My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

I used to think it was just my mirror too.  Doing zoom calls I get to see myself more.  My fairy godmother did a reverse Cinderella on me.  She must be getting old and cranky too.  

Glad to hear your pain is localized, Karen.  Ugh, digestive issues.  Thanks med side effects.  UTI's are nasty.  Hope you won’t need antibiotics to add to tummy troubles.

is this some kind of 'let’s pick on all the nice people' phase?  Thinking of Joyce, Dee and Kay in all this.  And George.  Not fair, not fair at all!

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

re the contractors located in your town, Kay?

Local.  He's the only one I trust.  No one can afford the ones coming from the valley, costs way too much for mileage/time!  At least I got a ballpark figure to plan for.  Will wait for him for a while but bug him if he doesn't get back to me with a timeframe/plan.  It would be nice if he'd work on it this week while it's raining instead of snowing!

How'd it go with the dentist, Gwen?  Sorry your Rxs make you feel off.  Yesterday was a killer for me, my day to drive to the valley & get groceries, had to go to the bank there too as mine is closed for coronavirus.  Bad time of year to be cut off from the bank for people here in town!  Never happened before.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Many have been offered shelter, but they won’t take it.

Because it comes with rules & they don't want them.   It's a mess, that's for sure!  All the big cities seem to have it.  Here they aren't protesting, but in the valley they do.  Others use this time to promote their agenda by rioting & destroying businesses, infiltrating on those with legitimate causes.  Such a mess!  I hate that anyone is homeless or cold during winter esp.

I'm glad you'll get your counseling session today, Gwen, and hope it helps.

Karen, are you getting treatment for the UTI?  Don't let it go!  I remember having one years ago, it went from zero to ten so quickly!  Very painful!  

 

[Kieron]

We have the same problem with the tent cities where I live.  Trouble is, it becomes a vicious circle as more dormitory-style buildings are constructed to house them, so more start filtering in from elsewhere.

[KarenK]

Because our winters are mild, I'm sure there are a lot of them in Phoenix but I've seen no problems in the local news. I only venture into Phoenix when I absolutely have to go to the doctor. Spent most of my 40 working years downtown. That was enough.

So far I'm "holding my own", Kay. Drinking cranberry juice, extra water, less coffee. The reason I think it's a UTI is because I have to hit the bathroom every hour. If I don't, my back hurts worse. I started having these a couple of years ago and the microscopic blood in my urine. Saw a urologist and the procedure he wanted to do in the office sounded awful. I'm a big chicken and never went back. I have a dozen leftover Amoxicillin I started taking which might help a little. This is combined with hurting my back last Friday. I'm bending over and picking up heavy things as little as possible. Thank goodness for the heating pad. Old age strikes again!

[Gwenivere]

The plans to remove the dangerous tent cities was halted yesterday by threats of violence.  It’s really had to negotiate with the people because of the mindset, mental disorders, drug problems and refusal to adhere to rules in safe places, like....no drug use.  I feel for their plight being homeless, but they have become a danger to the surrounding populace.  Breaking into stores, looting, burning open fires in parks with wood from the trees there.  You don't want to appear cold, but we shouldn’t have to watch this happen and give up using land we pay taxes to maintain.  It’s a mess.  Plus it’s really winter here.  All have been offered shelter but decline.  Hard to feel a lot of pity if they don’t try.  The police don’t want to hurt innocents like kids and they are In the mix.  It’s so very sad.  

[Gwenivere]

Another tough night.  No need to go over the physical.  I’m, as usual, barely mobile wanting to cry from pain.  Trying to get stuff ready for the housekeeper.  Doing laundry so she can dry it and put it away.  That meant changing some furniture covers.  In doing so I got to thinking about Ally.  She was a big focus in counseling earlier too.  I had talked to the yard people that come by and do clean up who are cutting the rate because they don’t have to pick up after her.  I would give anything to pay more and have my baby back.  

Supposed to get a covid test today because of how nauseous I’ve been feeling and too many bathroom runs.  My counselor asked me if I would be relieved to have it knowing I’m not thrilled with living right now.  I said no.  If you have to go, I can’t think of a more isolated way.  I’m just hoping my symptoms are stress and side effects of all the med changes I’ve been subjected to.  Plus pain can make you feel sick too.  I go out every day so a good idea.  At least I hope I can cross that off my lengthy worry list.  It’s a drive thru so no gimping into somewhere.  I don’t think it will be like the long lines I’ve seen on TV as they gave me a definite time to be there so they sound scheduled.  

Sampled some of goodies a friend sent.  Highlight of the day as a chocolate rush.  Thoughtfulness made them even better.  🍫

 

[kayc]

Gwen, I think of you whenever I hear Seattle on the news.  City riots/protests are a good place to avoid when they're going on.  Even when they're for good causes, I wouldn't want to be there, we're too old for this!  The last "protest" I went to was the Vietnam war in downtown Eugene.  Some people chained themselves to a Greyhound bus.  I'm not that brave (or stupid).  I must have been 16?  Was curious.  My kids' dad held it against me years later (he went to Viet Nam), I guess he never understood peace protesters.  I get it, but there's always different perspectives.  He held it against Jane Fonda too, all his life!  Oh well...I've since known a lot of men that went to Viet Nam and I applaud their serving our country.  Many had no choice, the lottery back then!

[kayc]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Supposed to get a covid test today because of how nauseous I’ve been feeling and too many bathroom runs.  My counselor asked me if I would be relieved to have it knowing I’m not thrilled with living right now.  I said no.  If you have to go, I can’t think of a more isolated way.  I’m just hoping my symptoms are stress and side effects of all the med changes I’ve been subjected to.  Plus pain can make you feel sick too.  I go out every day so a good idea.  At least I hope I can cross that off my lengthy worry list.  It’s a drive thru so no gimping into somewhere.  I don’t think it will be like the long lines I’ve seen on TV as they gave me a definite time to be there so they sound scheduled.  

Sampled some of goodies a friend sent.  Highlight of the day as a chocolate rush.  Thoughtfulness made them even better.

I'm banking you do NOT have it having enjoyed your chocolate!  I would be terribly worried about you if you did!  When I had to undergo the test, it wasn't bad, but the drive 50 miles away to wait in a two hour line of cars, one inch at a time, was not much fun.  Took half my daylight hours!  No one ever called and they went through with my surgery so I assume it was negative.

Have you looked up your Rxs to see side effects for them?

[Gwenivere]

The only RX change has been thyroid meds.  Nausea and diarrhea are reported with both I’ve tried.  Was pretty bad again this morning. I don’t feel it til I am upright.  It’s another thing I don’t need to feel bad physically and makes it hard to adhere to taking the stuff and also iron which is tough on the stomach.  It also feels like withdrawal tremors I have.  Never had that before even after such long hours without my anxiety meds and cigs years ago.  I’m adding in lots of stress with the back issues and constant pain.  Doing less or it hurting more.  Just doing a small load of laundry about killed me last night.  Could barely get out of bed today.  Didn’t want to be awake.  go thru that every morning.  Wow, long answer for a simple question.  I take so many things that could be the culprit.  Here’s hoping for a negative test.  My doc wants an endoscopy.  Just no easy way to get some peace of mind.  That frustrates me the most.  And now it’s time for lunch.  Ugh.  🤢

[Margm]

Since the colon rupture, I am chained to a commode somewhere, preferably at my own.  I have grown so used to some feelings, some foods, unrealistic low residue diet, that I can truly feel sympathy for your feelings.  With the iron causing opposite things than rapid visits to the bathroom, stress, pain, all could be playing a part.  Sometimes at night I cannot eat anything but crackers (Nabisco or Keebler) and certainly nothing with any acid taste.  I know to keep small waste basket, heavily sacked to  hold close to my face.  Does not happen that often now, but would without the crackers.  I hope your test is negative and I hope this nausea stops.  I know it adds pain to the back and chest to have to throw up.  

People laugh at the wall in front of my commode..  I have at least seven crosses and Angels on my wall.  I have been known to sit there and say "Please God, if you stop this pain I promise never to eat chocolate again."  I have since tasted it, small taste only.  Even with that I know what to expect.  

I can leave the house if I do not drink or eat anything till I get home and even that is not a guarantee.  Your too young to have all my aches and pains and my heart is with you and hope you find relief soon.  

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The only RX change has been thyroid meds.  Nausea and diarrhea are reported with both I’ve tried.

It seems George posted something in our diabetic group about that but I can't find it, I'll message him.

[kayc]

He responded back, here you go, Gwen!

For diarrhea, https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/magnesium-types#5.-Magnesium-malate

 

[KarenK]

Ginger Snaps are supposed to help nausea. The BRAT diet(bananas-rice -applesause) for diarrhea.

Hope that lets up soon, Gwen.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks gals.  The magnesium article, however, made me want to avoid that as it seems to contribute to laxative effects.  Last thing I need.  The BRAT diet is so lacking in protein and I really need that.  I’m sure this is tied to my thyroid meds and taking iron.  My doc isn't much help.  My options are limited too.  Didn’t wake up nauseous today, but did have to hobble in a hurry for the other.  Ugh.  What a topic.  

Got the results of my covid test.  Negative, so thats good news.  

Rain and exceptionally dark today.  It was like waking in the middle of the night.  Lights on everywhere.  Dreading the mail coming.  Don’t know how the community center will do meals with the homeless having taken over the covered area to serve.  Another day of barely being able to walk so again.......another day in frigging paradise.  Really missing Steve too.  😓

**************

wrote that yesterday and forgot to post it.  Today is awful.  Dark, cold and pouring rain again.  Bad nights sleep, if you can call it that.  I’ve run into problems with everything I’ve tried to do.  Pain is almost unbearable and have nothing to do til there is a Zoom local grief support meeting at 6:30.  Wish I were looking forward to it, but it means sitting for 90 minutes, tho I can take breaks.  A gift I sent my cousin was cancelled so scrambled to get her a gift card that will arrive next Monday.  Took forever to enter info on amazon which usually isn’t a problem. another gift I have no tracking info on, but billed for hasn’t been shipped and won’t make it for Xmas.  My little holiday spirit is crushed. Called the neural surgeon and they are too busy and don’t know when they will get back to me.  My oxygen got messed up and had to fix that.  Don’t know how long I was only getting half.  Mail is just came but darn, it’s nasty out.   I have to restock water, beers and caned chicken so that’s gonna hurt.  I need to make a drive out of here for sanity.  All I can think of is to get gas.  Out in the elements.  

I’m almost unaware xmas is coming now.  It’s been hassles to distract me and not good ones.  One good thing was a pet order did arrive for a buddy with s new pup.  So got a cute picture of the baby. Can’t find a way to post it.  The jpeg isn’t working.  Can’t find a url.  Ah well.  

[Gwenivere]

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[kayc]

All magnesium is not equal/the same.  I take Magnesium Bisglycinate with my meals and never have diarrhea.  My sister does too and she has severe digestive issues and is extremely careful what she ingests.  The doctors ruined her gut with way too many antibiotics at the same time (four)!  She's on special dietary needs for life, it's hard for her.

Snowing today and also between Christmas & NY's.  Unsure what I'll do for Christmas.

So glad your test was negative!!

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, Kay.  Wish not having covid was my biggest worry.  Can hardly move today. Have a grief session.  Then I’ll need my sanity drive.  Going to check and see (desperation tasks for feeling so alone) if the Jack in the Box is open (may need it Xmas) at anther location as one closed and then home to face the shower.  I’m already tensed up about it.  I want to say screw it, but it’s hygiene.  When you feel awful about yourself and limits, I don’t want to give into this basic one.  I’d really be adding to the massive depression.  

I’m so consumed by it this year regarding Steve and I know it’s because of losing Ally.  Add in the medical stuff out of control and it’s a miracle I get out of bed.  I definitely don’t want to, but I have to because of Melody.  I was at wits end yesterday with the docs office about how someone lives in chronic pain.  They are going to get back to me like they said last week.  

Had a zoom support group again last night.  Only a couple people totally alone BUT have kids they were going to Zoom with.  I was the only one totally alone.  Won’t be seeing a soul.  If ever there was a holiday I needed it, it’s this one.  At the end, we were all asked if we could have anything what would it be.  It wasn’t to have the person back as that is impossible, but what we missed.  I said his touch and smell, others said laughter, to have them see their kids and grandkids, tell them about job promotions their spouse helped them work for and one guy said to be left alone because so many friends called to check on him.  I wish I had that problem.  

Oddly enough, the woman I have a Zoom meeting with every Sunday had contacted me that morning worried about me.  I hadn’t sent an email the night before as usual to confirm.  I realized no one ever checks up on me really and told her that.  She jokingly said, well, don’t ever die early in the week.  I concurred in jest, but wow.....it’s depressing.  My counselors would after a couple days of a missed session.  My cousin would probably be weeks as I usually call her.

just made the trek for the mail.  This is going to be a very long, painful and depressing day.  Another card with a family newsletter of their non loneliness.  😓

 

[kayc]

My day yesterday consisted of exploding on CVS Caremark...I don't see why I have to make so many phone calls to get them to do things right, this year they've been horrible!  Ended up with they're sending me an inhaler I don't use anymore or want, still trying to get them to fill one of my Rxs they're always messing up on, that I need, and trying to get them to send my meager supply of test strips, they show it as not due until Feb, after notifying me it was due, and them and the doctor keep messing up.  It's a nightmare to get anything resolved with them!

I hope you get your shower...do you have a chair to sit on in it?  My sister does and it helps her.  There's supposed to be assistance available if one needs it, but not sure if it's through the county or what.  I don't even know how one gets a hold of government anymore, this year has been insane, everything closed!  Our county roads maintenance has been non-existent this year, scares me for winter time!  They only ever came out here because of school buses and now that they've switched to on line, I'm afraid they won't care about the rest of us.

Ugh, I hate the newsletters my sister sends every year, showing all the pictures of their travels all over the world, telling all the fun they've had this year, of course I know she doesn't share the whole story, but still, her world is a far cry from mine.  Maybe I should write one about needing to replace the back of my garage & jack it up before it falls down, taking the water tank/pipes with it.  Or having to replace my washing machine this year.  Or how lonely it's been to feel forgotten.  How my savings has dipped lower than ever over the added expenses but my social security only went up $11 for next year.  How my BIL suddenly died of cancer three months ago, leaving my disabled sister alone, unable to get her own mail...how she put me as executor of her estate when I'm not up to the task, I am barely surviving myself!  How I had surgery on my right hand and need it done on the left but still haven't healed in over six weeks.  How I hurt all the time.  Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas.  How I don't hear from my kids and my son moved someplace in the middle of a burned out area with no signs, very hard to find and further away than his old place.  I'm being facetious, of course.  IDK, maybe people would appreciate a reality newsletter over the glossy ones that are so far removed from our everyday lives!  

At least I have Kodie, the one bright spot in my life.  Like you, I have to keep going for him.  I'm glad you have Melody.  At least they're warm bodies to keep us company!

[Gwenivere]

Yes, I have a stool I sit on.  It’s the standing afterwards to dry and do everything else (long hair, lotions, etc) that kills me.  Even putting on clean clothes is hard with the bending.   

Live never understood holiday newsletters.  But I said that before.  I really think people should be more discerning about who gets them.  When our SIL did, we’d read it out of duty.  But the ones from friends we didn’t talk to all year were tossed.  We figured if they didn’t have time to communicate all year and keep us updated, we didn’t care then. We didn’t know their kids anymore as they grew up.  My former best friend’s daughter is 25 now and last I saw or spoke to her she was 4.  So, not interested in what she’s doing.  

A fellow volunteer sent what I thought was going to be one, but it was a letter from her heart about life and missing everyone due to the pandemic and how it is teaching her to treasure us all.  About getting older and earning our grey hair and 'smile' lines.  It was very touching and impressive.

yup, glad I have Melody.  Some mornings she is so sacked out she doesn’t hear the alarm and I get a taste of waking up totally alone til I call for her.  It’s a very cold feeling til I see her get all excited I’m awake.  I’m not thrilled I have to face pain for the day, but better with her than without.  

Just realized it’s Xmas Eve.  No burning our angel chimes or watching Scrooged by candlelight.  No Ally for the first year.  I have counseling today.  Don’t even know what to say.  We should be having Chinese dinner out and happy.  That’s my ghosts of Xmas past, present and future all roles into one.  

 

[Kieron]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

We figured if they didn’t have time to communicate all year and keep us updated, we didn’t care then.

Exactly.  I only got one, this year, and it was very short, relatable about the effects of You Know What on us all.  Everything else was personalized cards, or just a family photo and nothing else-- feels very perfunctory.  I have umpteen cousins who have mostly paired off and produced lots of kids, and I suspect I will probably never get to know these kids.  I've become like the older cousins from Texas that occasionally came around or visited my aunts and uncles and grandma at her farm, but being their second cousin and much younger, I had no history with them.  They're mostly strangers to me even now as an adult.

I hope the day is bearable for you, Gwen.  I've already had my one cup of coffee for the day.  Nothing much to look forward to except shoveling the snow that fell yesterday and wait for something to arrive by FedEx.  They didn't show yesterday probably because of the blizzard that developed.  Maybe they'll turn up today.

[nashreed]

I'm sorry, Gwen, and to everyone who has to spend Christmas alone. I have this insane clarity this morning and I realize how blessed I am. My family really needs me and love me, in their way. I always used to be wistful that I couldn't be with my mother and brother at Christmas, and though I certainly didn't want it this way, it is Christmas with them. I dreamt of Annette and can't fall back to sleep (follow me to the "Behaviors" posts!). Merry Christmas Eve!

[kayc]

My daughter woke me up last night (I go to sleep early if I want to get some sleep at all).  Took me hours to get back to sleep, so will be tired today.  Am going to try to make it to my son's tomorrow.  Not looking forward to the long convoluted drive.  Although I will enjoy seeing them for a couple of hours, I'm getting too old for this.

[Gwenivere]

I lost sleep last night too.  Really made the day harder with all the memories.  Hope you make it to your sons without too much trouble.  Stay safe!  Gonna be a very lonely day here.  A Christmas dinner was planned at the community center, but the homeless that were there and ran off left so much trash that it’s disgusting.  It’s not the food so much, I’ll miss seeing the few people I got to know if it’s called off.  It’s not a day to not have some human contact.  Tonight is bad enough.  😢

[KarenK]

I'm here with you Gwen. Robert working, David playing video games in his room. I'm watching a DVD Robert got me for Xmas. It's a Kitaro concert that we went to 26 years ago. Not Ron's kind of music at all. He used to tease me and call Kitaro "git fiddle" every time I played his music. Just a stupid name he made up.  But he was nice and went with me anyway.

Bittersweet memories.

[kayc]

My son called last night to make sure I got his text that our plans are one, other than his call it was a Christmas Eve like every other day.  

I haven't heard of Kitaro, I'm glad you had a good DVD to watch!  Still haven't watched any Hallmark movies this year.  Want to watch A Christmas Story, my favorite, maybe tonight or tomorrow.  I do every year around Christmas.  I love White Christmas too but haven't seen it on, the other one I have recorded.  I'll miss the Charlie Brown movie, it got bought out by a syndicate so no one can see it anymore unless they subscribe to that channel.  Upsets me, I love that one.