My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

My ex spent 4 yrs. in the Coast Guard stationed in Long Beach, Ca. He and his cousin joined up together before they were drafted. My daughter was born there. He said his worst recoveries were victims of small planes which crashed in the ocean. It's funny how your mind picks certain things from long ago to remember. I met his shipmates at a barbecue held at the Commander's house. Turns out one guy I met named Danny something had a good friend named Charles Manson. This was a couple of years before the awful murders.

[kayc]

Some things can't beat the book.  I will skip watching the animated one...I prefer the one that was made years ago!

7 hours ago, KarenK said:

Turns out one guy I met named Danny something had a good friend named Charles Manson. This was a couple of years before the awful murders.

[Gwenivere]

Waiting on a call from a doc.  Have counseling in less than an hour.  I hate being hostage to docs.  I’ve begged for help for weeks and he is late for a booked call.  Yes, I know they get backed up, but I am so pissed off at their lack of response.   I had another call to make but didn’t want the line tied up.  It’s stuff like this that adds to the stress and anger.  I don’t know anymore what it feels like to be taken seriously by my medical so called care givers.  My PCP didn’t respond to my lab results that were so hard to do physically and there are problems.  Didn’t throw Mel’s ball for her more than a couple times because I’m too tense.  

I have a memory of when we used to matter to our doctors.  Now it feels like tasks they tick off if you can get that far.  Going on 45 minutes late and if he calls during therapy, it puts me in an awkward position of choosing. That’s not right.  What’s the point of appointments if the doctor can’t keep them in a reasonable amount of time?  When I do telemedicine, they don’t give you an extra minute.  Demand you be there early to usually wait.  But when that clock starts ticking you better get all you can in because they vanish.  

I’m not the center of the universe.  Just a person in dire pain asking for some help.  Waited weeks for a voice connection.  Don’t they have any idea ho this makes a person feel?  Not even a call saying it will be late like my old docs did so you felt you mattered? 

 

 

[nashreed]

I'm sorry, Gwen. I truly hope venting helps in some way. I know all about dealing with Annette's pain "management" doctors and the hoops she had to go through (in Oklahoma) just to get her desperately needed pain pills- like she was a criminal: urine tests, and having to beg every month and explain a condition that isn't going to just magically get better. I was there through it all- pushing her wheelchair and comforting her as best I could. It sucked and I would give anything to have those times back again. We only just were two months into the pandemic when she passed. I can't imagine still dealing with that now with all the doctors she had. I still hate that I couldn't be with her and I couldn't even visit her the last hospital stay she had. So many questions still about all that. Her doctor really just remains vague about it all. I guess it doesn't matter now.

[Gwenivere]

I’m so sorry you couldn’t be with Annette on her last hospital stay.  This virus has created such havoc and will continue to do so for a long time, vaccine or not.  I’m in the tier for it sooner than later, but unless they set up drive thru's, I’ll be hard pressed to get it.  I should be more scared of the virus, but I’m so tired I just barely get by with so many other crisis'.  The government messing up getting access done they are woefully behind in goals.  I applaud they got it made, but 2 doses is a pain.  Now a new mutation they say they 'think' covers it.  

January is already starting to ramp up with more stuff to do.  New RX's with being on Medicare.  Some needing brand approval which is a pain.  

I really want to get streaming access to TV and I need not only a new DVR, but a smarter TV.   Old ones don’t have the smarts needed.  If Steve were here he’d have had it done by now.  What could have been a one step process will be complicated now.  

I was hoping for a respite, but it just keeps on coming.  Shrink just called for our 6 month check in next month.  Luckily on Zoom tho I’m getting tired of that.  Heck, I’m just tired of everything.  

[nashreed]

Yeah, I'm pretty tired of everything too. I just don't have the motivation to do much of anything. New year? I sure don't care. I really don't care about anything that happened after May 16, 2020.

And I confused you- Annette didn't pass in the hospital. She was supposed to go from the hospital to a rehab facility, but she couldn't face another two weeks away from home. She was home about five days before her accident (I believe I went into it somewhere on the forum). She was so weak after the hospital, and I just don't know what all happened during her stay because I couldn't talk to her doctor every day and I was always on top of all her problems. 

[Gwenivere]

I have a feeling today will have an impact on me.  New Years usually doesn’t, but this last year was so full of triggers about Steve.  As it is my 6th holiday season without him, I thought I’d know what to expect.  But the virus, my health and losing Ally has been too much.  I spent today not being able to do anything without the most physical pain ever.  I turn inward when that happens so wanting to be held in his arms.  Like I used to hold him on his bad days.  Now I truly understand why he sought it out as times got harder with his pain.  Crying alone isn’t cutting it.  I’m regressing to even wanting my mom to stroke my hair and make me feel safe too.  The emptiness of losing every person and pet that truly loved you is the most inhumane torture.  I thought I knew what darkness was.  I’ve stepped into some I never knew could be so dark no light provides any warmth.

i do have Melody.  She’s been staying in bed longer at night.  I think she is tapping into my mood as dogs do.  I’m doing a poor job being that comfort person for her.  Fortunately dogs are so loving and if I can muster a tiny bit of play, she’s happy.  So much I wish I could do with her, but she accepts so gratefully.  

Heres to another long day and night.  Hugs for everyone.

[KarenK]

For no particular reason, I've had this "black cloud" feeling on me since before Xmas. Xmas was nice for us, but there is just no joy anymore. I should be content with what I have, for so many have so much less. Maybe it's just a sign of the times. I have been okay with the staying at home watching tv, reading, or piddling around making jewelry but I'm really beginning to miss going on road trips, going to the mountains, to a restaurant or an arts and crafts show. Just going somewhere where you can have a normal conversation without these infernal masks that remove one's humanity. Will this crap never end? Or will we someday swallow our fear, throw caution to the wind, and learn to live with our possible demise.

[kayc]

IDK, with the mutations spreading, it seems doubtful anything will ever be as before.  I hate the masks and not being able to smile at others, we really do feel cut off.  This can't be good for us physcologically long term.

My heart goes out to those having experienced loss this year...I remember my first New Year's w/o George was really hard, I couldn't help but think, "He never lived in this year."  It was hard to go into.

Gwen, I am compelled to pray for you, I wish I could do more than that, I'm so sorry you're alone not only dealing with grief, but with pain and disability. 

Karen, me too, I miss having something to look forward to.  I despise heading into this time of year, all it signifies is struggle, with payroll tax forms, taxes, winter hardship, not up to this anymore!  Wake me when Spring arrives!

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, KarenK said:

I should be content with what I have, for so many have so much less. Maybe it's just a sign of the times. 

This is all new territory for everyone.  This essentially being prisoners without bars.  Losing perspective.  We have no norm anymore but these new 'rules'.  Life as we knew it has faded away and hopes of it returning to as it was has as well.  Much talk about how things will never go back to what we knew even when this is contained.  I keep hearing that, don’t understand why so it adds to the 'black cloud'.  

I 'should' be more grateful too.  But it’s hard to feel that when you struggle everyday in such a changed environment.  I am grateful for my house, utilities, food, etc.  I wish I felt it more than I do, but comparing is not the key.  It’s whats inside me that matters.  I can’t invalidate that as it doesn’t make me feel better.  It should, but it doesn’t.  

I don’t  know how to explain it.  I think....how would I feel if Steve were with me and I wasn’t in chronic pain 24/7?  I certainly would be less depressed and motivated to be one of the creative people that risen above the flatline of mental shutdown.  Maybe I wouldn’t want to give up as I do each time another day starts.  Feeling sick every morning from supplements or meds would be nice.  Enjoy the rare times more I get to talk with someone.  Not want to curl up and disappear.  When doing something to feel better doesn’t cost me down the line.  I’m seeing so many things I used  to do since he left that gave me a feeling of being productive and I can’t do them.  So many of my outlets are closed now.  The ones I’ve interest in aren’t allowed.  

I’m absolutely numb hearing about covid and especially commercials that make it sound so cheery about their contactless services. It’s the news center and my mail brought a booklet today of the same crap already drilled into my brain for months.  Suffocating in masks.  Using sanitizer every time I do something when out.  People obviously not getting near you.  This is broader than covid.  This is seeing that life is not progressing naturally with age.  I can't relate to the people around me going thru that.  It’s at a gradual and shared pace for them.  Harold and I, Barb and I, Ellen and I......it’s the 'and'.  My 'and' is my counselor and doctors IF they have time.  (The docs).  So I wander thru the days as a shell of who I was.  That’s whats really killing me.  If only little things were still enjoyable.  Flop in bed, toss the ball, wash my hair, sweep off my deck, liking to make a simple healthy meal, get streaming TV.   Sit like I am right now and not dread standing up.  Get into my car without a checklist like a pilot.  Freedom somewhere.  

I cant even summon the energy to cry most times.  I have so much of the outside fooled.  Not by choice, I just know they really don’t know how to respond so I try not to make it awkward for them.  Guess that’s one check on the plus side.  

The cloud hangs heavy.  It’s dark as usual here too.  Lights on all day.  Blinds only open for a smidge of light and to see there is a world out there. Closed by 4:30 because our sunlight is long gone.  This is not living.  I don’t know what to call it.  I don’t know how to find your way out when you had no control getting in.

[KarenK]

Well, I'm all "spit shined and polished" waiting for my New Year's date to show up. Of course, he's not coming. This is the 8th year that he hasn't been able to make it. So it's just me and the dogs and "Dateline" reruns of mayhem and murder. Just another day in the neighborhood.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

[Gwenivere]

You’re doing better than me.  Nightshirt and lounge pants.  I knew my date wouldn’t show too.  Watching Mean Girls and running the dishwasher.  TV loud so my dog doesn’t hear the firecrackers.  I don’t mind seeing 2020 go, but I know the morning will still suck.  I noticed I have all my old lipsticks.  Never used now.  One was only for special nights.  

I know your kidding, Karen.  

Sure would be nice to have that midnight kiss tho.  💋

[KarenK]

Sending you a "big sister" hug and kiss, Gwen. Not nearly the same, I know.

A few nearby neighbors shot off fireworks at midnight. The first one was so loud it sounded like it was right outside the window but my grandson said it was down the street a couple of houses. It actually shook the window. Dogs didn't like it either. Glad that's over.

Was checking out Joan Baez's website earlier wondering if she still toured. I tend to forget how old I am and that other people get old too. She will be 80 this year. Hard to believe. She cut a new album in 2018. I listened to some of it on youtube, but won't buy it. It's just not the same.

[kayc]

It's weird to think how one person can make such a difference to us in our lives.  Just as that one person's absence makes such a difference.

Reading here brought this to mind, he always touched me as a little girl, hearing about this young boy, stuck inside his bedroom, wishing to be outside living a normal life with the other kids...I made George a card once of a little boy sitting looking out the window, forlorn, it had this poem inside.  Different circumstances but I think we all can relate...

BED IN SUMMER

 

In winter I get up at night

And dress by yellow candlelight.

In summer, quite the other way,

I have to go to bed by day.

 

I have to go to bed and see

The birds still hopping on the tree,

Or hear the grown-up people’s feet

Still going past me in the street.

 

And does it not seem hard to you,

When all the sky is clear and blue,

And I should like so much to play,

To have to go to bed by day?

-Robert Louis Stevenson

[Gwenivere]

Going into today I’m really discouraged.  I didn’t expect a miracle overnight, it’s a buildup that has been going on of waking up to yet another day in an existence I can’t escape.  The first email I read was from a buddy who lost his wife a couple months ago and his saying I was about the only person who could understand losing half of yourself.  He’s totally isolated as they moved to live off the grid.  Not a good start.  I then cleaned the birdcage in such horrendous pain and now facing eating which has no appeal but I need fuel.  I honestly don’t know what a good day is anymore. 

I have tasks written down to do.  Time killers.  Not enough and they don’t really matter.  I miss that.  Having things matter.  Even things that need to be done don’t feel like they truly matter anymore.  I find myself doing things more robotically because I like order.  I guess that’s a sign I haven’t totally given up.  But I always wonder why as there is no one here to share them with or appreciate them.  Steve was always happy that our home was so well run.  He would even brag to me if he got to a mess before I did.  So it mattered.  That’s all been sucked away.  The housekeeper dusted the fireplace pillar candles, some are askew.  I’ll fix them in pain.  They’ll burn better, but it’s more because of how I cared once.  So why do I do it?  It’s a compulsion.  Leftover from a good life. 

Witching hours approach.  4-6pm.  After that I feel better about doing nothing.  Have to escape the house for a bit.  Really raining today.  Hate this restlessness.  

 

[Gin]

Watching WTTW special.  Christmas  music from the old days (that’s where I’m from).  Then it went into a   special about Andy Williams.  Lots of good old love songs.  Now I am sorry I am watching.  Al and I were so much in love.  Too many memories!   Gin

[nashreed]

Oh Gwen, a new year and nothing's new. I feel better today that I at least helped somebody out on the forum here. It's important to have a purpose. I thought I didn't have anything else to say. But I have to live- I don't have a choice. I can only imagine how miserable I would be if I had your pain. I know Annette's pain, and somehow she was able to remain (mostly) upbeat. When she broke down, she really broke down. She might have been more chipper when I was home, and more like you are when I was at work. I don't know.

It's important to have a purpose. Maybe your purpose right now is to help your buddy with getting through his loss. I know I often don't feel like anything I do matters, but if I just do things even just hoping that Annette will be proud of me if she's looking down at me, that's something. I can't live in total misery and unhappiness. I truly wish I could do something for you.

I know what's it's like to need to get away from the rotten brats around here. I am so noise sensitive. I hate kids, hate dogs, hate neighbors...If it wasn't for music listening time between 5-7, I would really go insane. Thanks for hanging in there. Just please hang in there. 

[Gwenivere]

I’m hanging there.  Often I don’t know how.  Our motives for escape differ, but we all need breaks from what bothers us.  Mine being in this house alone all day.  While out today I saw a little strip mall that had a take and bake pizza place we loved had burned down.  It was arson.  Things like that make me so angry at people that cause chaos.  The world has enough without deliberate help.  Another memory now tarnished.  

I don’t know what your Annette did while you were gone.  No way you can ask now, which is a shame.  But she sounds so wonderfully strong from all you have shared.  Like all of us, I wish you never had to lose her.  

You made a good point.  I am going to tell my buddy he can talk to me anytime and share this groups existence in case he needs it.  I’m not in a good place to really help, but that could be from feeling so lonely and down after especially hard holidays and pain.  

I saw your help to our new member.  Your a part of the family and glad you are.  Purpose means so much more now having lost our biggest - loving the most important person in the world to us and we to them.  At least grief can’t kill love.

[nashreed]

I love Annette more now than ever. It really helps to start my morning talking to her. I pace around the disused basketball court in my mobile park and sort out my thoughts to her. She may be listening, she may have something better to do some mornings... There's so much I want to ask her. I know her soul is still alive.

I beat myself up sometimes because I feel like I took her for granted, and we promised each other we wouldn't do that. Sorry, I'm in a pensive mood. 

We all just need to try and help each other. Good people need to stick together to survive. Isn't that the plot of the book "The Stand"? Must be almost bedtime for me. I hope you have a good tomorrow, Gwen. Thank you for being strong and helping me, because you help me just being honest and real. 

[kayc]

8 hours ago, nashreed said:

I feel like I took her for granted

That's normal/human, we all do to some extent.  George and I fully shared our love with each other daily, even in the bad times but even so his death hit me like a Mack truck.  And it was THEN it became apparent just all he was to me!  Little things like leaving the porch light on, his straightening the afghan up all the time, picking up little things around here unobtrusively.  I noticed all that he did when he was alive but their absence was visibly noticed after he was gone.  It cuts right through you to your gut.

8 hours ago, nashreed said:

Thank you for being strong and helping me, because you help me just being honest and real. 

Gwen, I second this!

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

I noticed all that he did when he was alive but their absence was visibly noticed after he was gone.  It cuts right through you to your gut.

That is exactly what I feel every single day.  Some more than others.  Tech stuff really brings it out.  I just got the tax info from our accountant (that I was just musing about here yesterday in some post) and it was a gut punch as I hate it and this year with my health and covid it’s going to be more a hassle.  Another task I just dropped in his office and he took care of.  Of course covid is mentioned in the paperwork now.  I’m so sick of it!

the following is a long vent.  Just need to get it out.  Feel free to skip.

His  absence lives here in so many ways.  Those are the ways it grabs my attention now.  Most of the things I depended on him for have now become bad.  The remaining stuff of his doings around here seem alien to me now.  It’s been so long since there were soda cans spread all over the house, open goodies he forgot to put back, notes he would leave, his voice talking to his buddies and booming laughter.  Hearing his van pull in and seeing the dogs go bonkers because dad was home.  I don’t cook dinner anymore.   No buying something for him to grill on Sundays.  If it’s not something I hate to do, it’s like it was a dream he was here.  I’ve felt him slipping away for a long time and that is killing me.  Trying to grab wisps of smoke.  Seeing his pictures is almost.......odd.  I’m forgetting how he smelled, his puns, the feel of his deep kiss.  His touch.  I thought all that was what I was missing.  It’s that I don’t 'feel' it anymore that’s missing.  Explains to me why I feel so much emptier in the morning.  All the empty places are becoming normal.  It’s just me.  Me without a purpose.  Me living a life that was stripped bare with no prior routine like we had. I reached acceptance a couple of years ago.  This is what it got me.  Like newly born with no purpose.  Right now I miss Ally more than him.  It makes me feel terrible to say that.  HE made my life for decades and HE left.  Ally stood by me.  Kept me aware of the good times.  Touching her I could travel to the past and find solace hugging her.  This all sounds crazy.  Yet, when it comes down to it I still want what I always have but know I can’t.  Him.  So what good did acceptance get me?  This would be so different if I could do things, get involved physically like I was.  All this restriction from pain is the worst fate for my temperament.   All the unsolicited suggestions I’ve gotten are solitary things like making phone calls for causes, coloring books, gawd knows what others there were.  I want to go for a damned walk!  Do my shopping without pressure of if my body will hold up.  I’m always pushing the envelope because of fear I will lose something else.  

Now onto those 'important' things like more pleas to docs, questions to the accountant, finding out if an acquaintance will be where I get a meal, which I am beginning to dislike, the going, not her.  Date night has stuck as a memory and it should be getting dressed up with he special lipstick, not a food line meal to nuke later.  I wish I was truly alive.  This in between is indescribable.  

 

[nashreed]

Oh Gwen, I always read your posts. I find them interesting, raw, honest and relatable. 

More and more, my life is just empty and sad. I have nothing to do, no purpose- just aimless driving. I actually found myself trying to see if there was any evidence of the apartment that Annette lived in when we first met today. And it involved driving through a mountain pass to get to the town (Beaumont, Ca) and I HATE driving in mountains. And, of course, it's totally different now. It was kind of in a sketchy building and it's probably long gone....If this is what I have to look forward to in this life, I'd rather be dead. I'm just being real. I know I can't take my own life- Annette would never accept that, and I know she's watching over me. 

I don't know if it would be different if I still lived in our house in Tulsa- I had to move, I had no choice. It might have been more comforting to be there, just to be able to feel her more. At my Mom's, where she was never really welcome, it just feels like I'm on a visit that never ends, with no way to call her and there's just this disconnect that's impossible to reconcile. I even bough some of the perfume she used off Ebay to spray around, just to try to feel better. I can't think about her too much, and it kills me, because I want to- but it makes me too depressed. 

I know all about no purpose... and it's only been 7 and a half months. I often hope to pass in my sleep. I just don't like life anymore. I died on May 16, and I'm just in this torturous limbo, doing penance for my sins, where everything I hate is magnified and in my face. I hope it doesn't bring anybody down, but if I can't be truthful here...

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 Right now I miss Ally more than him.  It makes me feel terrible to say that.  HE made my life for decades and HE left.  Ally stood by me.  Kept me aware of the good times.  Touching her I could travel to the past and find solace hugging her.

Oh Gwen, I so feel your sadness here.  Our fur babies were our support for those years without our husband.  There are no words I can say to lessen your pain, but maybe your knowing I care how you feel will give you some comfort.  This horrible Pac NW weather hasn't helped one bit either.  I don't even have the courage to drive in the constant, grey miserable downpour.  Take care.  Hugs, Dee

 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Dee.  I know how crushed you were/are about losing Maddie.  Ally kept my memories more positive.  We could 'talk'.  You know how dogs can make down times less painful because she was living proof they were real.  I’m looking at Mel at my feet content because we are tucked in for the night.  The weather did make today a challenge.  My heart always sinks a bit getting home.  I so miss that goofy kid.  But Mel goes bonkers too, it just isn’t the same.  I’ve got to accept that and I am grateful I can talk to her about some stuff.  Like stealing my slippers and knee supports all the time.  🙂

[kayc]

I DO totally get that, Dee and Gwen!  Arlie was my LIFE for 10 1/2 years!  My constant loyal companion.  He never hurt me, never lied to me, never let me down.  He constantly loved me, forgave without being asked, was warm and huggable, and my constant walking companion.  He loved me no matter what I weighed or if my hair was greying or no matter what I dressed like.  Arlie understood me, was understanding, intuitive of me, made me his life study!  He was so fun and always brought me a smile!  I can't even describe how goofy he was!  How he made up games to play with me.  How smart he was!  He was patient and considerate!  He was the most amazing dog I've ever owned!  And I miss him each and every day of my life!  When I broke my right elbow, I still walked him (they don't cast elbows either) and he never once pulled!  He was so careful for me whenever it was icy!  I wish I could have him back and tell him how wonderful I think he is, how much he means to me, how my life will never be the same without him!  I miss everything that made him HIM!  I have a picture of him taken 2 1/2 days before he died, he felt miserable, he was hurting, suffering, and yet he was smiling.  That was my boy!  I never felt vulnerable or scared with him here, he'd have given his life for me!  No one dared cross him to get in here!  He was the BEST guard dog in the world!  And it wasn't the house, it was ME!  I remember when I came home and the roofer was here working and he said Arlie never peeped at him until I got home!  Then the ferociousness sounded!    He was guarding ME, all those years!

I'm glad you have Mel, and I'm glad I have Kodie, but you are right, it's not the same as Ally and Arlie.  But still it's good.

Dee, does your son have a dog you can visit with in your new home?