How Long In The Fog?

[scba]

Thank you Maryann. 

[Gwenivere]

Wow, Maryann.....you really nailed it.  I want to be just like you when I grow up.   . I'm just blown away by your post!

[KATPILOT]

So nicely worded Maryanne. I too have gone back and looked at my early posts too and am amazed at how I felt and sounded back then. We do evolve. I like what you said about Mark having enhanced your life. They did bring out the best in us. Perhaps in some way they do still. This is indeed a journey.

[Froggie4635]

Just to let everyone know the distraction of grief in my life...I bought a sweet potato I'm not sure how long ago.  It has always been sitting in plain sight.  Well, it is now turning into a plant.  It just shows how much focus it takes to deal with grief. We have to give ourselves the time necessary.

[Margm]

Maryann, a sweet potato vine is one thing I can grow.  I did not inherit the green thumb the rest of my family has.  But, you can fit the potato into a glass of some sort that  will hold up to the weight of the vine and it will just grow and grow.  Why?  I don't know.  I usually let plants die.  I won't say anything after that.  (But your post makes sense to me.)

[brat#2]

Maryann, thank you for your post.  You were able to put into words what I've been feeling and thinking!

Joyce

 

[Froggie4635]

This has felt like the longest week.  I am thankful that I do not reside in a flooded area.  But it has still created a tension that is so tiring.  Our home has always been our sanctuary.  It has taken on a whole new level since the flooding happened Monday.  I have felt an even stronger desire to  stay put and not go out into this troubled world.  My life at home is somewhat disrupted, being that I still have some large puddles...and having three dogs, guess it is more of a nuisance disruption. But it leaves me feeling unsettled, and emotional.  Today is only Thursday; yesterday felt like it should have been Friday.  The news is filled with nothing but flooding reports.  My heart goes out to the families that have to deal with the mess.  But last night, sitting on my couch watching "The Turning Point" with my dogs nestled around me, I really ached from missing Mark.  He always had a way of making me feel safe...safe on a completely different level than I feel now.  I don't feel afraid...I just don't feel the comfort I did before.  I have just grown so tired...

[brat#2]

Maryann, I'm glad to hear that you are not flooded and I understand about the nuisance issues with large puddles, whenever we get a lot of rain here, our whole yard floods and I feel like I live in a house boat!  Anyway, I get what you are saying about not feeling safe like you use to, I too don't really feel afraid, I just don't have the comfort and safe feeling that everything will be ok like I did when Dale was alive.  I don't know if I will ever feel that again, but I hope I (we) can use to living without it.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Cookie]

On April 14, 2016 at 10:02 PM, Froggie4635 said:

This is where my journey on this forum began, about 14 months ago.  It took me a couple months to find my way here, and once I did I followed along as so many of us came and left, and returned again.  I was looking at how many views various posts have received.  This one has over 10,000, so there must have been something put here that people found helpful, interesting, thought-inspiring.  I read through my very first post and see how I was so lost in grief.  I know that grief is like a roller-coaster.  Right now, I feel on a high peak, where I can look beyond the dark realm of grief.  But I know with no uncertainty, that I could find myself plunged down in its depths once again.  It is part of the journey.  When you can't see beyond your personal, protective place, it is hard to listen to someone speak of hope and getting down the road.  I know that, because I found myself there plenty of times.  I wrote about how muddled my life was; that I felt I was constantly treading water.  My question was "how long"?  Well, I am finding that my fog has lifted to the point where each day I bear the hurt of missing the one person in this world whose love was beyond measure.  I still struggle often to make the simplest of decisions, and my focus and concentration are not even close to my pre-grief life.  Through these struggles I will face that anger I have kept at bay while existing in the fog.  Anger at having to start again, of having to relinquish a life I waited so long to have.  It is hard to think about dealing with something that has no blame.  I now find I examine my beliefs in everything.  I have to find the confidence I gained when I found Mark.  You wonder how you can lose that, when it must have been a part of me all along.  But Mark enhanced so many things in my life, and with him I was able to test the waters of new things, step beyond what was safe and know he would catch me.  I still find myself with little motivation to step, once again, beyond my comfort zone.  It is like all the colors that filled my life have been watered down (with tears), and looking for them takes so much effort and energy.  At 16 months, I still find myself exhausted by Friday.  I have learned to keep my grieving to myself; there are a few colleagues I can turn to when grief awakens.  I know I have a right to grieve as I need, but not the strength to convince anyone of my rights.  I learned a long time ago, you have to pick your battles.  The only battle I have strength for is to get through each day feeling a little better, doing my job to the best of my ability and give all the love I hold for Mark to my three furry children.  My heart always goes out to those who are just learning what this journey is all about, and their hurt brings mine to the surface and I remember.  Writing has always helped me free myself; when I was waiting for love to come to me, when I stepped away from my family to find a life I could love and now when I am facing the toughest journey of my life.  Sometimes we need to really be honest with ourselves and know when it is time to move on to something else.  When it is time to try and use our experience to lessen the fears of others.  We can't FIX the problem; we can't judge their decisions.  The are no rules for this journey, and sometimes that is VERY DIFFICULT.  No way to judge our progress; no way to know where we stand.  I know I find that hard.  I always liked to check things off my list; show a goal achieved.  But we have no goals, other than to find our way to survive.  And no one can tell us how to do that except the most simple of advice: one minute, one hour, one day at a time. 

Maryann:  Everything spoke to me in this post, especially the confidence thing, which I have reflected on continuously...where mine went after he died.  I won't try to go over all that you said.  Just suffice it to say, you spoke so genuinely to all these issues I see and feel myself so completely well.  Thanks, Cookie

[Gwenivere]

I have always admired Maryann's ability to put into words many things I can't.  She and I are are at the same time mark too so it helps me see that at a time when society thinks I should be well on my way back to a normal life, I feel a relief I am not alone experiencing more things unexpected and the world in general, unless they have been there, knows nothing of the impact of this kind of loss.  They see us moving about in the world somewhat as we were, but they have no idea what the time at home is like now.  I don't know low to live alone again, yet I muddle thru. I even have physical reactions to coming home now.  I know what to expect, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Perhaps it is because it has been going on so long and I don't like it.  Can't make yourself feel what you don't.  I know he won't be here, but each evening I miss the simplest things we did.  There is nothing now I do that was like before.  It was enough losing him much less having to construct a way of life as well.  Or survival really.  I miss the contentment that was here before, or safety as it has been called.  What I miss, like all of us, was the simple and obvious.  One person in the whole world caring I was here and what I did.  I get some things done and now have no one that really cares.  It makes it hard to keep doing.  Even down to the little things like the house smelling like Pledge and clean.  Or vinegar because I mopped up after weeks of dog on the kitchen floor.  I don't know how to find pleasure and achievement in those alone.  I use them to fill time.  That is my driving goal....fill the hours.  I've never played so many video games in my life.  Things I would have found a total,waste of time before.  I neglect reading for that because of lack of concentration and interest even in fictional worlds.  By far, this is the toughest thing we will face.  Time lines are bull.  They are for those that don't know, we scare and want to beleive this is less impacting than they want to imagine.  

[Froggie4635]

Thank you ladies for the very warm words.  I am glad the thoughts I put down are helpful.  No one should ever feel like they are walking this road alone as we mourn and grieve. Who would have thought that 18 months ago (dating back to before Mark died) that I would find myself in this place of having to learn how to live a whole new life?  Some days it still feels like a whole new realization; like I am just facing it for the first time.  I work so hard during the week to put it out of my head, and just try to focus on what is at hand.  This was a stressful week, and it had nothing to do with grief.  But the grief is still there, regardless to whether or not you "feel" it.  It kind of just waits there in silence until you have quiet moments, and it taps you on the shoulder...or it jumps on you like a giant bear.  Whether you are ready for it or not.  My fur babes have no distinction between work days and weekends, so of course I was up early.  After trying to get back into bed, the thought that popped into my head was seeing my mother-in-laws face the morning she arrived at the hospital that morning.  An odd thing to think about first thing in the morning, but sometimes that is how the mind works. I am following my Saturday morning ritual.  I have a cd I made with soft, moving music and I will sit and write in my journal and "talk" to my husband.  Sometimes I cannot elaborate more than to simply say "I miss you".  I think my heart is finally getting to a place where it "understands" that he is not coming back, and it just feels exhausted from that hopeful ache that I have sort of been oblivious to while I tried to keep my life moving forward. Sometimes it is more work to put things out of your mind than to deal with it.  At work, I look at his picture as I go about my tasks and smile a little...like a look from him keeps me going.  When I get home, and the house feels an emptiness that nothing can fill, that little smile disappears. The news has been carrying interviews of friends of Prince reacting to his sudden death; a grieving fan said something that just took me back to the day Mark died.  She said "he was JUST HERE yesterday; I touched his hand. How can he be gone just like that?"  I shook my head as tears rolled down my cheeks and remember saying the exact same thing, and hearing it from my friends and colleagues who had just seen Mark the day before he died, so full of life and happy.  The snap of the fingers and life is changed forever. 

[Margm]

53 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

"he was JUST HERE yesterday; I touched his hand. How can he be gone just like that?" 

Maryann:  I have made a few trips now where I did not talk to Billy.  I had my granddaughter with me, but also when I was going over to my mom's, I always talked to him.  I remember saying "why am I talking to you, you don't talk back."  Not at that moment, but while driving home the many clouds in the sky formed a heart between the clouds.  I wish.  Still cannot open the magical part of my mind.  It is closed.  I saw the moon the other night and I had talked to it before, but I did not this time.  My son was in the back bedroom playing his "games" on the TV and he coughed.  My heart just stopped for a second.  It sounded like Billy was in bed reading his Kindle.  I wish, I wish, I wish......

[Gwenivere]

19 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Some days it still feels like a whole new realization; like I am just facing it for the first time. 

Sometimes I cannot elaborate more than to simply say "I miss you".  I When I get home, and the house feels an emptiness that nothing can fill, that little smile disappear.

The snap of the fingers and life is changed forever. 

These are the things that always hit me.  Every day I wake up to this realization.  It may lessen over the day, but sticks like a shadow.  Late at night it takes over again knowing I will go to sleep and wake to it yet again.

i find that is all I can say to Steve right now too....I miss you.  Of course it is so much more than the I miss you of long distance friends or his being away on a trip and that waiting for his return.  I had a dream last night he came in and crashed on the couch exhausted.  My reaction was I knew it!  I knew this was all a lie and you weren't dead!  That was a tough one waking up.

Only his death was the snap of the fingers.  Everything after that is the forever.  His death was actually the easiest part of this constant fight to live I on.  I often wonder if I surrendered if it would help.  Seems like I have with no choice.  It's real.  Every day proves it.  I guess I thought if I surrendered it would help move my along.  Not yet.  He's been gone too long so new ways to miss him keep popping up.  Power went out last night for a few hours and no one was here to help light candles and soothe the furry kids.  The darkness itself was scary this time unlike the past when I would just get angry.  Alone in the dark.  Live that way mentally.  Physically it really hit me hard.  When the lights came back on I felt like I could breathe again.

 

[BillT]

Gwenivere wrote:

What I miss, like all of us, was the simple and obvious.  One person in the whole world caring I was here and what I did.  I get some things done and now have no one that really cares.  It makes it hard to keep doing.

So true.  Thank you.

 

 

[brat#2]

Maryann and Gwen - you are right, I miss you, isn't enough to describe what we are feeling without them here in our lives.  There is so much more to it, but how do you say that your life has been completely turned upside down and you don't have a clue how to get it right side up again without them.  I know what you were feeling when the lights went out Gwen, last week my cable was out (that means the TV, phone & internet for me) and I just sat there staring at the TV with the blank look and praying that it would come back on soon.  When you are alone "little" things like that can seem so monumental and scary because there is no one there to talk to through it.

Joyce

[Gwenivere]

Joyce, could you ever fathom a time when electricity or technical things became so important we feel almost alone as we do within our partners?  Sad.  Another ugly view of the face of grief.

[Froggie4635]

Okay...here I go again.  A week from this Saturday will be 18 months that Mark has been gone.  I am at the beginning of a very hectic period at work; our summer camp season and it brings all sorts of changes and added stresses.  I can honestly say that this year feels super ultra hectic, as opposed to last year.  I don't remember being this stressed. I just came off a long weekend away from work, and here it is Tuesday and I am ready to run out of the building.  I just feel extra-sensitive.  I went home yesterday and all I could do was veg on the couch because I left work feeling like I had drank 4 cups of coffee.  I know I am still trying to navigate my way through all of this...but I hope this is not how the whole summer is going to be because I am not sure I will be okay.  I have had it so "together" for the passed 9 months (relatively), so how is it going to look if I start falling to pieces now?  If I were to talk to my supervisor, I am not even sure how to explain it.  Anyone have any suggestions?  I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my job...don't need that worry on top of things.  I know that there are many people on this forum who are facing so much more, and I don't want to sound like a whiner.  But this is so not who I am...I feel like a complete scatterbrain.

[Cookie]

I just read and article called "The myth of the first and second year."  It spoke to me.  People actually study grief.  The article was saying that the first year typically is one of survival, figuring out how to pay bills, relearning to accomplish the practical things of just living day by day.  The second year can be when you start dealing with the emotional impact of the loss and experience more sadness, depression as the reality hits.  I think that is what is happening to me and maybe you are experiencing this in a way Maryann.  I've read so often that after the first year you have better days.  Hasn't been the case for me, maybe some changes, laughing sometimes, finding some peace at times, but experiencing worse pain and sadness than ever before.  All I know is that this is one of the most challenging, unfamiliar things I have ever been through....Cookie

[Patty65]

I was told almost 20 years ago by my therapist... she actually wrote it on a giant index card for me to keep.... and I've always remembered it:

"What Other People Think of Me is None of My Business!"

I actually quoted it back to her recently when I started seeing her again when Ron was in Hospice.  We (actually) laughed.

So, I don't think, Maryann that it matters what people think.  I totally relate how it all looks and feels at work when we are in that awful place.  I feel like I am infecting everyone around me.  But my therapist tells me that how I feel and what I look like on the outside are not the same thing -- that nobody for the most part, except those really close and in tune to me (which is practically nobody now that Ron is gone) can really tell.  Do you think your job will be affected so much that you need to tell your supervisor?

Patty

[Gwenivere]

I found the 1st year much easier than this one.  There was so much to do and I was still under some kind of 'protection' that got me thru it.  I definitely would break down into a heap of sobbing many times, but I functioned on a higher level.  This 2nd year is kicking my ass.  The simplest things take all I can muster.  The crying is different as it becomes more and more real he will never be back.  It's like something pulled away any buffer and said....this is it now.  This is your life from now on.  No do overs, no bad dream.....you are on your own and will never see him again.  It's become so intense I have that 'going crazy' feeling more than ever.  People have moved on as they do.  Phone calls are mostly sales or for donations.  My once social life is mostly medical since I am not needed as a caregiver, wife or partner so my body is playing catch up on years of those jobs that couldn't afford me to be at my best.  I feel like I have aged years and definitely frustrated with my superwoman powers having been stripped away.  I'd settle for normal functioning person right now.  Still waiting on that. I really miss focus and concentration.  All this time and I can't stay still.  Restless both physical and mentally.

[MartyT]

6 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

If I were to talk to my supervisor, I am not even sure how to explain it.  Anyone have any suggestions?  I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my job...don't need that worry on top of things.

Maryann, my dear, you've asked for some specific suggestions about your work, and I want to be sure your question doesn't get lost.

You know your supervisor, your work situation and your work history far better than we do, so bearing that in mind, here are some thoughts you might consider as you decide whether or not to have that talk:

Is your supervisor a man or a woman? Does s/he seem to be a person with any measure of empathy?  Is s/he informed about what is normal (and therefore to be expected) in employees who have suffered significant loss? (See, for example, some of the links on our Grief at Work page.)

That said, much of this depends upon your relationship with your supervisor and what s/he considers to be your value to the organization. Remember that your supervisor’s first responsibility is to oversee the job you’re assigned to do. So the history of your job performance will be an important factor. If you have a history of satisfactory performance reviews so far, it is likely that your supervisor will consider you to be of value to the organization, and will be more than willing to work with you to develop a plan to help you get through this period (e.g., lightening your work load a bit; assigning someone to "shadow" your work for a time to make sure everything is up to snuff; understanding your need to take some extra paid days of leave now and then, etc.).

Is your company big enough to have a Human Resources department? If so, they could be helpful in your deciding if and how to approach your supervisor.

[Margm]

I cannot believe Billy is gone.  I lived with that man for 54 years.  We separated six weeks back in the early 1990's.  Like my daddy used to say to me when Billy and I would fuss, and I promise you MY daddy said this "What did you do Margaret?"  A lesser man would not have put up with me.  But, a lesser woman would not have put up with him either.  Still, we could have left, plenty of times.  We didn't though, and I cannot imagine life without him.  I hear the door close, a cough, someone walking down one of the halls and for a jolt of a millisecond I imagine it is him.  But the fact is, he left me.  I wish he had run off with a woman 30 years younger than me.  I wish he was still alive and I could dislike him very much, but he would still be alive.  But he is not, and he is not coming back, unless I find another man.  I think he would find a way to come back then.  No one could come close to replacing anything about him though, so I will listen for the footsteps, the cough, the door closing the rest of my life, until I am with him again.  Life that went on this long has to go on forever, don't you think?  I still cannot believe he is gone.  He is not gone.  

[mittam99]

19 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

I have had it so "together" for the passed 9 months (relatively), so how is it going to look if I start falling to pieces now?  If I were to talk to my supervisor, I am not even sure how to explain it.  Anyone have any suggestions?  I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my job...don't need that worry on top of things.  I know that there are many people on this forum who are facing so much more, and I don't want to sound like a whiner. 

First of all Maryann, you certainly aren't a "whiner". From all I know, you are a wonderful, caring and loving person. You're just going through a rough patch in a journey you didn't want to take. Totally understandable.

Knowing you like I do, the feeling of being  "scatterbrained" and not feeling like you've got a handle on things, has to overwhelm. And with your type of job, you do need that sense of confidence. If it was me, I'd think about taking a bit of time off. Do you have any vacation time available? That might be preferable to trying to explain things to your supervisor. You certainly don't want to get in a situation where someone might feel you're having a breakdown of sorts. 

No matter what, try to be gentle with yourself, OK?

[Cookie]

Gwenivere:  I relate to everything you said in your post.  The reality is crushing, and I just have to grit my teeth sometimes to get through those moments.  Can't imagine what life will be down the road.  I keep hearing that this will pass.  I can only hope that is true because this is a  little too painful sometimes and I wonder how long anyone can stand it.  I feel for you as I feel for me and everyone else.  This is very, very hard....warmly Cookie

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch and Marty...

I am always thankful to have you all to come to when things go topsy-turvy...who understand the difficulties that sometimes arise from no where.  My supervisor has been really fantastic and she has always said if there was anything I needed she would try and help.  In my job review last week, she said she thought I was doing amazing considering.The same has come from HR.  My problem is I have always made it a point of stating that I felt funny asking for special treatment, especially now that I am at almost a year and a half.  This week started out really hectic and stressful, but it has calmed down.  I get frustrated because my brain doesn't work like it did before, and I overlooked some things that caused the stress.My organization is no different than any other work place; mostly everyone thinks their request is the most important.  Now that my multi-task function seems to be gone, and I try and get the easier things out of the way first, only one really complicated problem/correction and I just stop functioning and want to cry.  Our fiscal year ends the end of this month, and I will have a whole new bunch of vacation days to give myself a break.  I have to learn to stop telling myself I don't deserve to take more breaks than I did before I lost Mark.  I also need to keep telling myself that is it not right for anyone to think I can go one and just not think about what I have lost.  I have learned to avoid those people who don't have my best interest at hand.  And it is nice to learn that I have people looking out for me without making it obvious.