How Long In The Fog?

[kayc]

Maryann, I would think they would respect your wishes and skip it if that's what you want!  I kind of have the opposite problem, I'm left alone on holidays and don't want to be.  It's hard always being alone, and forgotten at holidays as well.

[KarenK]

As many of you I'm sure, when my children and grandchildren were little, we did the Easter Egg Hunt in the yard. It was work for me, but fun for a young family. I realize that is not what Easter is really about, but a big part of it when you have little ones.

The cemetery where my family lies has a sunrise service every year. I attended a few times with my mother after my father passed in '77. Attending sort of dwindled away. I could not go after she left in '06 and I definitely can't go now. It does not evoke a sense of peace knowing that three members of my family lie in that dirt or that another lies alone far away.

I would rather be back in the fog and hunt Easter eggs.

[hollowheart]

56 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I don't know what it is about holidays anymore... I an guessing it is because I am alone and very aware of them now and how family oriented they are while I have none.  I'd maybe pick up a Cadbury egg for Steve and leave on his desk.  He'd BBQ on the 3 day holidays.  Birthdays are tough for obvious reasons.  I think we become hyper aware of the normal things people do whether we did or not.  We're so alone now that it's like a neon sign to emphasize that.

Yep. It's not the holiday itself, but what you did on them. You had "your thing" and that made it special and worthwhile and something to look forward too. We didn't do the big Thanksgiving dinners anymore and everyone sorta filtered out to their own immediate family and did their thing. I looked forward to piddling around the house on Thanksgiving in my pj's, watching movies, hanging with my sister and cooking with my Ma. My sister and I also looked forward to Black Friday shopping--now all that is gone.

Easter was always a ham, mac and cheese, rolls, etc. It was just us, so again, very small and cozy and laid back. My mom wasn't even thinking about Easter this year and decided she wanted to just cook a steak and call it a day. One more thing I looked forward to gone.

My sister also loved Cadbury Eggs and she would make small Easter gifts for us. It was low key and nice and "our thing." It could be the smallest thing that you don't have anymore that now becomes Mount Vesuvius.

I remember one Thanksgiving my sister and I went out the next day, I think to the Museum and was talking to a couple in line. We mentioned something about the traditional holiday dinner and the lady goes "Oh, we don't care about being out on the Holiday. We're just going to go to a restaurant." I always remember that because we were the same way--non-traditional, if you will, and did whatever. I think not even having my "whatever" is just to much to take. We never just did nothing. So holidays and birthdays are very hard.

[brat#2]

So true, I'm not looking forward to Easter either.  Dale and I really didn't do much, I usually cooked ham, dressing, sweet potatoes, pie and we would watch TV all day.  But we would buy each other candy and card and put them in baskets for each other.  I won't be buying anymore Peeps (He loved them!).  It's going to be lonely and hard.

Joyce

 

[Gwenivere]

Sounds like you and Dale did a lot for Easter.  I can see why it will be a hard day for you.  One good thing.....the ads and didplays will soon be gone.

[kayc]

Easter has always meant a lot to me, perhaps that's why I chose to ignore the one after George died.  I am feeling like that again.  My kids won't be coming here, nor have I been invited to their place, I really don't have the $ to spare for gas anyway.  I can't afford to buy a ham & trimmings, all my grocery $ is going towards feeding my Arlie.  It's day by day anymore.

I know Easter isn't totally about family and food, or even get togethers, I know the religious meaning and for that I am truly grateful. However, it's hard to focus when your life seems so bereft of family ties and caring people.  I don't understand how it's come to this.  I used to have a family to take care of.  I remember having the whole family for Easter, all of the talk and laughter and everyone eating, cooking until I'm exhausted.  Where did it all go?

[mittam99]

Tammy was crazy for those Reese's peanut butter eggs you can getting at Easter time. I'm not sure what they change but they are so much better than the standard issue peanut butter cups. 

As far as holidays in general, I've had a year of those days and they've become non-holidays in a way. It's not the same without Tammy, Especially Christmas. When you consider we were married on Christmas Eve, you can imagine how tough that is.

 

[brat#2]

Gwen, so true, I'll be glad when the ads are all gone.  I guess you are right, we did do a lot for the holiday, any holiday, even though it was just the two us for 33 years celebrating holidays, we always had a nice meal and nice day.  I do and will miss that.

Joyce

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I used to have a family to take care of.  I remember having the whole family for Easter, all of the talk and laughter and everyone eating, cooking until I'm exhausted.  Where did it all go?

I don't mean this to sound trite, Kay, please understand that as I don't have kids or what you did about gatherings.  But when I ask where did it all go?  It went with Steve for me.  That is the only question I can answer in this journey.  I don't have to factor in family beyond that.  Maybe I am lucky (if you can call it that) on that front.  I don't know how I would feel if I had children I never or rarely saw.  The closet thing I have us his sister dying a few months after he doc and she was like my own sister.  Also a widow but years ahead and helped so much.  Another voice that has gone silent in my world.

[kayc]

George knew and shared what I felt about family, holidays, traditions, gatherings.  He came from a big family (11 kids) and we loved and valued the kids coming home for the holidays.  Of course, as they get older they marry and have their own traditions, as they should.  But I was ill prepared for being left totally alone holiday after holiday.  My daughter lives an hour away and only comes here at Christmas and has not invited me to her place in 16 years.  My son used to come here but no longer does and hasn't invited me for the holidays in a long time, he is 2 1/2 hours from here.  It's a stark contrast to the life I used to have, that's all I was saying...I miss it.

[Froggie4635]

Yesterday my best friend came and spent some time with me...she needed to run some errands and I was glad to go.  One of the places was kind of like a thrift shop of craft supplies.  Well, when I walked into one of the areas, all I could think about was Mark.  I should have been so excited to be in a place full of stuff for creating.  But, all I did was walk around; no desire to really LOOK  at what was there. I was uncomfortable because it was way outside my usual travel zone.  I tried to be excited and show enthusiasm for my friend, and later at lunch I said I was sorry for just not feeling it.  I'm comfortable at home, and in my cubicle at work.  Any other place finds me having to make adjustments.  When people ask me to go places, I think it would be nice to go...but once I am there, I get that muddled feeling come back and find myself tucked behind an invisible wall.  It is like going through all the motions with no spark.  I keep trying, and that's progress. 

[Guest]

Maryann -

I can relate.  A couple of weeks ago I was invited to lunch with some gals from Deedo's Red Hat club and their spouses if they had one.  I sounded like fun but the entire meal was miserable and I couldn't get out of there quickly enough.  Then yesterday I had lunch with one of Deedo's friends from the Valley.  She lost her husband years ago.  The conversation was enjoyable but the whole time I was wishing I was home.  I am so looking forward to a sociable event that I can enjoy for the time I am there without having grief step in and dominate the conversation in my mind.

[brat#2]

Maryann and Brad

That is so true.  When I have tried to do a social "thing", it just reminds me that much more that Dale is gone.  We very rarely went anywhere without each other and now going alone, even though it is will family or friends, it feels so hollow and like I'm more alone.  I will keep trying too and hopefully someday it will be easier.

Joyce

 

[Guest]

Joyce 

I will continue to confront these situations as well.  The way I see things a lot of learning to cope through grief is a long, drawn out process of desensitization.  Point in case: over our thirty-seven years together Deedo covered our walls with pictures of us from our various travels and major events.  To remove them would have left the walls bare and empty so even though it was difficult to look at those pictures early on I continued to spend my mornings gazing on them, hoping the day would come when they would bring me joy.  Today they do bring me more joy than tears.  This is part of my personal mission.  I personally confront those things I want to change, it has always worked for me.  The social thing will be a huge challenge because Deedo was always the social director and I went when and where I was told.  She was also the one to communicate with the outside world.  She lived on the phone, I would go weeks without a call.  Now I get calls from the kids and the Mayo clinic.  So at some point I will need to put myself out there.  Trouble is I know few people and I find I prefer reading to talking.  With Deedo I could share my ideas, most other people will think I'm nuts if I try to share thoughts on religion, politics, the economy, world affairs.  

[brat#2]

Brad

Yes, looking at pictures of Dale brings me more joy than tears now too.  It is comforting to look at him each day now.  But you are right, the social things is huge, he was the outgoing one of the two of us and like you said I usually went where he said we were going and just sit and watch him interact with everyone and enjoy watching him.  I know I will need to get over that and eventually get out in the world, but it's just the right time yet, but I will keep trying.

Joyce

[Guest]

31 minutes ago, brat#2 said:

I know I will need to get over that and eventually get out in the world, but it's just the right time yet, but I will keep trying.

Joyce

Timing, at this point, is everything.

Right now for me I am simply trying to find the energy to go outside and start raking the mounds of pine needles deposited in my yard.  Very tempting to hire outside help for this as the lethargy persists.

[brat#2]

 

How true Brad.  I completely understand the not wanting to do anything.  Dale always did the outside stuff and I am going to need to hire someone soon clean off both of our porch roofs, as one looks like it's growing a lawn up there!

Joyce

[Gwenivere]

I hire out everything outside the house.  Was not my thing and never will be.  Steve couldn't do much if it hpthe last few years, but I could at least scedule it and walk away letting him deal with hpthe people and paying them.  I hate even doing that!  I'll pick up after the dogs and sweep the deck if I can but that's my limit. 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, brat#2 said:

Yes, looking at pictures of Dale brings me more joy than tears now too.  It is comforting to look at him each day now.  

Joyce, I am jealous, I admit.  I still avoid looking at his picture because it rips me apart.  And they are all over the house.  I have developed selective seeing.  I'm happy for you.  Anyone who gets some solace is a great thing to hear about.

[brat#2]

Gwen, I'm sorry his picture brings you sorrow.  They did me too at first and sometimes they still do.  Of course, I wish the real thing was here, but his picture is a close as I can get.  I hope that someday soon you will find joy in looking at him.  HUGS

Joyce

[mittam99]

I enjoy looking at pictures of Tammy. Yes, the tears well up but seeing her sweet face gives me a bit of joy too. I also made a little video photo montage showing Tammy's life from a little girl up til a couple years ago (including a bunch of wedding photos). It breaks my heart to watch that. What really gets me is seeing her baby picture. How could that tiny little girl born June 10, 1969 be gone??

I was actually able to save her voice mail message and hearing her voice is comforting to me.

[KATPILOT]

Mitch I still call my house sometimes when I'm on a trip just to listen to her voice answer the phone. Nice to have isn't it?   Oh yes the pictures!  One day that video won't break your heart even if it tugs at it a bit.  Finding Kathy's baby book her mom kept got me too. Seeing and touching a lock of her first hair cut................ yah, sweet and painful  at the same time.

I wonder sometimes if Kathy could ever have imagined how important those things would mean to me one day.

[KATPILOT]

Brad I'm glad you are at a point where those pictures on your walls bring more joy than tears. I have started to ad new photographs of my life after Kathy and they are mixed in among the others. I like it because "the beat goes on". Kathy would like it because I keep living.

Happy Easter buddy and everyone here who celebrates this day.

[WolfsKat]

On ‎3‎/‎25‎/‎2016 at 6:41 PM, kayc said:

George knew and shared what I felt about family, holidays, traditions, gatherings.  He came from a big family (11 kids) and we loved and valued the kids coming home for the holidays.  Of course, as they get older they marry and have their own traditions, as they should.  But I was ill prepared for being left totally alone holiday after holiday.  My daughter lives an hour away and only comes here at Christmas and has not invited me to her place in 16 years.  My son used to come here but no longer does and hasn't invited me for the holidays in a long time, he is 2 1/2 hours from here.  It's a stark contrast to the life I used to have, that's all I was saying...I miss it.

Kay.......that well and truly SUCKS.....to put it bluntly.  I cannot imagine such a thing.....I know that when I can move back home, that it will be an impossibility for me to be alone on holidays.....my kids would never allow such a thing....I am so looking forward to re-joining them in celebrations!  You seem such a lovely, giving person......pardon me if this is crossing a line, but IMHO your kids should be ashamed of themselves!  I don't think you deserve that!

[Froggie4635]

This is where my journey on this forum began, about 14 months ago.  It took me a couple months to find my way here, and once I did I followed along as so many of us came and left, and returned again.  I was looking at how many views various posts have received.  This one has over 10,000, so there must have been something put here that people found helpful, interesting, thought-inspiring.  I read through my very first post and see how I was so lost in grief.  I know that grief is like a roller-coaster.  Right now, I feel on a high peak, where I can look beyond the dark realm of grief.  But I know with no uncertainty, that I could find myself plunged down in its depths once again.  It is part of the journey.  When you can't see beyond your personal, protective place, it is hard to listen to someone speak of hope and getting down the road.  I know that, because I found myself there plenty of times.  I wrote about how muddled my life was; that I felt I was constantly treading water.  My question was "how long"?  Well, I am finding that my fog has lifted to the point where each day I bear the hurt of missing the one person in this world whose love was beyond measure.  I still struggle often to make the simplest of decisions, and my focus and concentration are not even close to my pre-grief life.  Through these struggles I will face that anger I have kept at bay while existing in the fog.  Anger at having to start again, of having to relinquish a life I waited so long to have.  It is hard to think about dealing with something that has no blame.  I now find I examine my beliefs in everything.  I have to find the confidence I gained when I found Mark.  You wonder how you can lose that, when it must have been a part of me all along.  But Mark enhanced so many things in my life, and with him I was able to test the waters of new things, step beyond what was safe and know he would catch me.  I still find myself with little motivation to step, once again, beyond my comfort zone.  It is like all the colors that filled my life have been watered down (with tears), and looking for them takes so much effort and energy.  At 16 months, I still find myself exhausted by Friday.  I have learned to keep my grieving to myself; there are a few colleagues I can turn to when grief awakens.  I know I have a right to grieve as I need, but not the strength to convince anyone of my rights.  I learned a long time ago, you have to pick your battles.  The only battle I have strength for is to get through each day feeling a little better, doing my job to the best of my ability and give all the love I hold for Mark to my three furry children.  My heart always goes out to those who are just learning what this journey is all about, and their hurt brings mine to the surface and I remember.  Writing has always helped me free myself; when I was waiting for love to come to me, when I stepped away from my family to find a life I could love and now when I am facing the toughest journey of my life.  Sometimes we need to really be honest with ourselves and know when it is time to move on to something else.  When it is time to try and use our experience to lessen the fears of others.  We can't FIX the problem; we can't judge their decisions.  The are no rules for this journey, and sometimes that is VERY DIFFICULT.  No way to judge our progress; no way to know where we stand.  I know I find that hard.  I always liked to check things off my list; show a goal achieved.  But we have no goals, other than to find our way to survive.  And no one can tell us how to do that except the most simple of advice: one minute, one hour, one day at a time.