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My heart hurts for you Ana.  I can feel the pain in your words.  If I could find a way to help you I surely would.  

i have a difficult time with New Year's Eve as well.  My husband proposed to me Dec 31, 1979 and it was a huge surprise.  I was 22 then and now I'm 61. Much has changed since Jan 5th 2016.  

I will be thinking of you on New Year's Eve and hoping for the beginning of healing in your heart.

 

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Thanks everybody for your kind words. I appreciate each of them.

This is a tough week for everybody so I wish peace to all of you.

Ana

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I’ve not contributed for quite some time. Years in fact. You were all here to help me through a very difficult time.....I had problems with my step children that wanted to sell the house I was living in. They insisted on seeing the will and abusive phone call from them. I was hurting just as much as them along with a lot of other people around us but it seemed I was the one that had to hold it all together and be strong for everyone and hide I was hurting and no idea how to deal with all the crap that was coming my way. You were all soooooo supportive and helpful. I’m not out of the woods. It’s now four years on. I’ve not seen my step children in the time. I lost my husbands family connection in the process. But ...But....I’m getting by. I gave myself permission to just ‘BE’ for as long as it takes. I make no apologies to any one any longer. If I don’t feel like an event or party I don’t go. My true friends understand. Yes, I lost a lot of friends too. They didn't know how to deal with this loss. Some stayed. I’ve made some amazingly supportive new friends that have lifted me up. However, the loneliness is still there. The lack of physical human closeness, hugs and sharing are so hard to be without. I’m due to retire in the next few weeks. I gave my two year notice as it takes a while to train a new person and I really needed to work to get myself out of the house and interact with others. Now I’m starting a new phase of my life without my partner.....It should have been ‘US’ together and enjoying our hard earned time together. I have to BE strong again. It’s just sucks...I do have another story I’d like to share. I bitter sweet story. I had and old house coat of my mums I couldn’t part with when she passed away. In 2005. When My husband passed in 2014 I had trouble parting with all of his shirts. I couldn’t bear to throw them or donate them. Other items I could. But his shirts, no. Over three years ago I unpicked my mothers house coat and husbands shirts at the seams.....and it just sat....I felt horrible at what I’d done and there it just sat for three years. This year I wanted to tackle projects and get them finished before I retired. So I worked diligently to construct the fabric into Memory Bears. My mums ones wore most of her pins, necklaces and earrings that my dad have given her on wedding anniversaries. And my husbands ones wore ties with  his Cami ( place he worked) pins for excellent attendance, along with his embroidered  name from his t shirt on the foot so when they sit you can see his name. They all had red hearts ♥️ in the apropriate place and a lable on the underside at the back with ‘made with Love for you’ I gave one each of the bears to my kids on Christmas Day......I earned my stripes as a parent......I made my grown kids cry like babies. Not a dry eye in the house. He wasn’t their natural dad but was in all intents and purposes. I keep trying each and every day to be a great mother and leave such precious memories for them. I was strong all day and then they left and I went for a walk in the dark so I didn’t have to say ‘Hi’ to anyone and I had my thoughts to myself. Today is a ‘ME’ day. I’ve earned it. 

 

I know this story was long but I need to share this with you all. I wish you all....Love, Hugs and most of all Peace. I love you all. Thank you for allowing me to share this. ♥️ 

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@Elly57  I remember you and your story.  The bears are beautifully done, what a great job!  I'm glad you have your girls, beautiful family!  Thank you for coming here and updating us!  Congratulations on your retirement!  I retired five years ago and haven't regretted it once.  I keep busy, have a schedule, am involved in volunteering at the senior site, my church (treasury & praise team), and lead a grief support group.  You will find what works best for you.  I'm glad to hear you've made new friends too, so have I and that is such a blessing!

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On 12/26/2018 at 8:08 AM, Elly57 said:

I had and old house coat of my mums I couldn’t part with when she passed away. In 2005. When My husband passed in 2014 I had trouble parting with all of his shirts.

 

Elly57:  What a wonderful idea to re-purpose your Mom's and husband's special clothing into Memory Bears, such beautiful treasures.  Your story makes me feel I should complete so many projects sitting untouched for so long.  I don't have any excuses as I have long been retired but seem to make excuses why should I care.  I know I should care if not just for myself to feel like I have some worth.  Thank you for your inspiring story and for sharing your picture of your lovely daughters and their  beautiful treasures.   You are a special lady who will surely enjoy a wonderful retirement.  Dee

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Ohhhhhh Kayc. THANK YOU for remembering me, I was in a very dark place for a long while....as I say I'm not out of the woods but daylight is peaking through the trees. You made me smile from ear to ear that you remembered me. I suppose I wanted to tell you all, as much and I wanted to skip the grieving process and the dark nights and tough times, I just couldn't. I had the 'mother' of bad days in February 2016.....I had no idea my heat exchanger had broken in the furnace....Just one more thing I had to deal with. After a week (we had a warm snap) I'd had my window open for the week to sleep. I called a company I knew the owner of in to look at the furnace.... it wasn't getting warm in the house. She sent out a young kid that look all of 12 years old....I guess I'm getting old. :) This 'wiper snapper' fired that sucker up and the house start to get warm....Yippee....I was so pleased after I had been dragging my self esteem and self worth around the floor for months, crying at every opportunity...I almost hugged him. Only to be told that he'd have to turn it off. He legally had to because of CO2 gas....He asked me if I had a detector in the house I said yes but I'd had the windows open. He told me I should have died...….OH that was all I needed to hear....I couldn't control my words at this point. …"Well F*%k me! You'll turn the heating off and let me die of hyperthermia but you can't let me die warm in my bed".... I'd have given anything for it to have taken me. I'd never do anything to myself but it was such a gift to take away my pain..... I apologized to the 12 year old by the way lol. Within three weeks I was taking off on a whirl wind, short notice trip to Dhabi and India with the doctor that looked after my husband for a short while. She and I had connected. She had family in India and wondered if I wanted to go with her. I said sure what else is there to do. She booked it with out telling me and we took off a week later. I saw some sights and situations I never want to see again. I was almost mugged one day as we were not on a tourist route. I was the only white person. We went to an NGO school that had disadvantaged kids of all ages and disabilities with clothes on which was 3 and 4 years too small for them. I could go on. It was an eye opener to put it mildly. I did things I'd never have the opportunity to ever do again. I came home from that trip a changed person. I was spiraling down, before that. It was a head turner....I'm not religious in anyway. She was and still is my angel. She's amazing. Oh I still have days I fall to the floor and just cry. But I know the other side of the coin too and feel very privileged and grateful......Things happen for a reason. I've stopped asking the 'why him' question. It'll never make sense to me. I lost the love of my life. As all of us here have. The key is finding a reason to live again. I don't have the answer but I do say yes to things much more often now. I want to live. …….I also want to apologize for my language in this piece but it was how it happened. Thank you again Kayc for remembering me.        

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I think you will find that once you become a member of our tribe here, Elly57, you are always, always welcome to return ~ and I promise that we will remember you ♥️

Your story about your trip to India is heartwarming, and I thank you for sharing it with all of us. Until and unless we have a chance to see (up close and personally) how the rest of the world is living, we really don't appreciate how fortunate we are to have been born in this amazing country of ours. We take so much for granted in this world, don't we? 

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I don't think any of us get too bent out of shape about language here, grievers have strong feelings and sometimes act out of character for themselves because we go through so much and feel so much, sometimes strong words convey what's inside of us.  

It sounds like that trip was made to order.  Last night I watched "The Christmas Train", I remember him talking about it's not the destination, it's the journey, can't remember who he quoted, but it's so true...things shape and mold us and it sounds like that trip was that for you.  Sometimes the hard places turn out to be the richest in meaning.  Like grief.  I've learned so much on this journey, it's deepened me in a way I can't explain.  I'm not the same.

God bless the doctor who befriended you.  And I hope your furnace is fine now!  Mine I had worked on a couple of years ago and it still doesn't work, so I'm dependent on my wood stove.  Gets me lots of exercise hauling and stacking wood but I love the heat it provides.  

I'm glad you're in a better place, it takes a lot of working through our grief to get there...years for most of us.

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