Reflections and musings

[Margm]

Brad, back when I was typing the medical reports Remeron was prescribed a lot.  Especially for people that had no appetite and what made it seem safer to me was they gave it to older people also.  If it gives you rest for a few hours then go for it.  I know the diet is tough and I know Billy hated the Boost and others but I love them.  I just like the idea that I can get the vitamins and protein in a drink.  That darn diet takes away the fun of eating anyhow.  I have been known to drink two in the morning.  They make me feel better.  I wish Billy could have drank them but it was too late.  

[scba]

Hello Brad, not sure if you will ever read come back to your thread, I wanted to say that I'm sorry you left the forum. You are going to be missed. Thank you for all the kind words and advise given to me. I wish you peace. 

[KATPILOT]

Me too Brad. Even if you don't respond but just read, know that you are still in our thoughts.

[kayc]

Me too!  I wish I'd gotten the chance to tell you what your outlook and posts meant to me personally.  I wasn't expecting you to totally leave, it's seldom we have anyone that removes their profile, usually they just take a break but still drop in now and then.  I guess you've moved on from us, I wish you the best.

[Brad]

This popped up on a meditation app I use and while I do appreciate the message, particularly how it applies to me, it is so damned hard to want to start a new chapter when the last thirty-seven were so incredibly wonderful.

 

 

[Cookie]

Know exactly what you mean....Cookie

[Cookie]

Brad:  I just read some of these posts by others about missing you on here, and I have to say I have too.  You have always had such insightful things to say and they were comforting to read.  Don't know why you stopped posting, but hoping you decide to come back again.  Cookie

[Margm]

1 minute ago, Cookie said:

but hoping you decide to come back again

Me too.

[Brad]

19 hours ago, Cookie said:

Don't know why you stopped posting, but hoping you decide to come back again.  Cookie

Yes Cookie and Marg; I am back from a rather strang and selfish journey.  Thanks all for the warm welcome. I felt as if I needed to change perspectives and priorities.  I've spent time traveling around, taking Deedo's cremains to places that were important to us.  Instead of leaving them all at one place, I prefer to see our life together as a series of chapters, each with its own significance.  So she is where we had our first kiss, where we got engaged, where we got married, our favorite trails, Disneyland, Disneyland, Disneyland, the backyard she loved so much.  Next Summer I'll take her back to Europe and the places she loved so much before we met and then down to the Caribbean the following Spring.  

So much of what I am struggling with now involves knowing I need to reframe my thinking from us to me.  When I work in the yard I still think I am doing things for her.  It is her yard.  It has been her yard for twenty-nine years now.  Granted I landscaped it, but I did it for her.  I wanted to give her a show piece she would treasure and she did.  Now when I'm out there working I am trying so hard to realize that I am no longer planting bulbs for her but I am planting them for me.  Maybe someday I will find joy and satisfaction in what I've accomplished for me.  Or maybe I should just let it all go and keep hiking.  It is so hard to understand that I can let her go without having to say goodbye.  I do need to let her go and move forward.  I just don't know how.

Speaking of hiking, I'm headed back to Havasupai with the adult kids (well, six adults and a 13 y.o.)  Leaving Wednesday and am very excited.  Only issue is I injured my Achilles tendon four weeks ago hiking Fossil Springs and it is so slow to heal.  I'll be the slow poke.  This trip will put me in excess of 3,000 miles in the fourteen plus months since Deedo died.

Reflecting back on the past fourteen months I see that I am stronger than I was.  I still cry a lot.  I have found for me meditation helpful; especially times when I focus on gratitude.  I still struggle with those unwanted mind videos of the last months...weeks...days...hours... but am slowly replacing them with happier memories when I catch myself going into those darker places.  

I didn't realize how lonely I've become until I met a friend for dinner.  Her husband is in a care facility with advanced Alzheimers.  We met at five and a short time later the manager asked us if we wanted to take care of the bill as they were closing.  We had talked nonstop for five hours.  

Sorry for the rambling - this is what happens when you bottle things up for three months.

[brat#2]

Brad, it's wonderful to see you posting again.  It was not a selfish journey, you did what you needed to do for you.  It sounds like you spent the time doing exactly what you needed and honored Deedo in a wonderful way. 

Joyce

 

[iPraiseHim]

3 hours ago, Brad said:

Reflecting back on the past fourteen months I see that I am stronger than I was.  I still cry a lot.  I have found for me meditation helpful; especially times when I focus on gratitude.  I still struggle with those unwanted mind videos of the last months...weeks...days...hours... but am slowly replacing them with happier memories when I catch myself going into those darker places.  

I didn't realize how lonely I've become until I met a friend for dinner.

Brad,

I understand well what you have shared with us. I am at 19 months and have similar struggles.  Each of us needs to find our way through this grief and what works. I am glad to hear from you and hope you continue to find your way.  There is much adjustment, discovery and growth.  Pursue your path.  - Shalom 

[KATPILOT]

16 hours ago, Brad said:

  

So much of what I am struggling with now involves knowing I need to reframe my thinking from us to me.  When I work in the yard I still think I am doing things for her.  It is her yard.  It has been her yard for twenty-nine years now.  Granted I landscaped it, but I did it for her.  I wanted to give her a show piece she would treasure and she did.  Now when I'm out there working I am trying so hard to realize that I am no longer planting bulbs for her but I am planting them for me.  Maybe someday I will find joy and satisfaction in what I've accomplished for me.  Or maybe I should just let it all go and keep hiking.  It is so hard to understand that I can let her go without having to say goodbye.  I do need to let her go and move forward.  I just don't know how.

 

Brad the moment you first realize that you were doing something for just you and not Deedo and you, was a major event along  your griefs journey.  When I first realized I was just Steve not Steve and Kathy was a major turning point on my own journey. Months after that I found I was Steve but the connection was never going to leave . I was and always will be changed by her presence in my life. In every decision I make, everything I buy, and the list goes on and on, I shall always have Kathy in my life and my heart.  My love for her has only grown stronger over the years.  I just keep that love and move on with my life ever changing and evolving. Yes I think of me as just me. I am the only one of the two of us still using a body to move around but I see life now as an adventure. I will enjoy it for what time I have left.

And you know Brad, I still cry sometimes too like after the art sale was over and later when I was at home, I just lost it. Yes I can still be me but it's going to happen for the rest of my days. How can I ever stop missing her?  Says it all.

We travel a path of grief that will never end. It is now part of our life for that love affair came with a price. What we can expect and will discover is that we will find joy and happiness again. As we continue living on there will be more times we smile and fewer times we cry but we will never be free of that.  I for one don't want to be. I will take it because I love her still and I will look ahead and just like the first year, I will keep putting one foot before the other because it is the only way I can find the next adventure.

Enjoy the hike Brad and remember there is nothing shellfish about taking time to grow in your own time. You are not the same man you were when you left. Imagine who you will be tomorrow.

[kayc]

Rather than thinking you need to let her go, which in itself seems so final, perhaps think of your relationship and loss as one of evolution.  That has helped me.  Sometimes it's just a choice of words, but ones that are so impacting.

This was not a selfish act at all, but one you've needed to do for her...for you.

[Margm]

There are some days that are so bleak that I just have to cry.  Then there are other days I see Billy everywhere, like he had never left.  I have even caught glimpses of his skinny legs in the bathroom more than once.  I know it is the mind playing tricks.  Like yesterday, waiting for Bri to take her tests at school, I was sitting in a chair, no one around, and I nodded off for just a second.  That was all it took for the hospital scene to play itself out.  I thought I had put that out of my mind entirely.  We had slept little the night before, with her social anxiety she could not sleep knowing she was going to be around a lot of people.  And, because of that, I could not sleep.  Testing took five hours.  When I got home a friend called.  (It was the only number Scott could remember by heart to call).  His phone was in the truck.  He had gone to see a friend at the parish prison.  On his way out they arrested him for a disturbing the peace warrant from 23 years ago.  This had been taken care of 23 years ago.  I can remember it so well.  In the meantime he had received his ABO card more than once and driver's license in two states and had been given official clearance from his job.  A thorough background check.  Nothing against him.  He had got drunk and urinated on the sidewalk those many years ago.  All of our phone numbers were on his phone locked in his truck and he was allowed the one call.  I was so tired, but was not going to let him spend one night  in jail.  Called my daughter and she was in front of the apartment in five minutes.  Paid his fine, now it is off the books again.  But four more hours were spent doing this.  And, I was too wound up to  sleep.  Finally it came.  I was afraid I would see Billy again if I closed my eyes.  I didn't.  

Counselor today for Bri.  So proud of her.  Her math/algebra teacher has left us and she will have to take a few math classes at the tech school.  The rest of the test she aced.  No problems.  

And when Scott came out of the prison doors everybody was shaking his hand and hating to see him go.  He has that kind of personality.  He is his dad's son.  

And am not hijacking a post.  These are reflections and musings.  And Brad, so glad to have you back.  I love the new picture also.  

[Brad]

57 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 And am not hijacking a post.  These are reflections and musings. 

Marg - this is exactly what this discussion is for: to post whatever we feel we need to say without worry of straying off topic.  Sometimes rambling is all we are capable of and coherent thought be damned. 

6 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

What we can expect and will discover is that we will find joy and happiness again. As we continue living on there will be more times we smile and fewer times we cry but we will never be free of that. 

Steve - I find myself embracing those moments of joy as well as those of tears.  Joy, especially when brought on by the grandkiddos, shows me that I am progressing through my grief; a year ago they brought on such bitter-sweet feelings, now they are simply joy and elation.  Tears are more voluntary now and far more cathartic than debilitating.  They remind me of all I had and all I have to be grateful for.  And, like you Steve, I too never want to be free of my tears; but then I've always been a crybaby, the curse of being the only boy in a family of six children.

[Margm]

A man crying does not make him less a man, it makes him more a human man than a robot man.  Billy got to where he could cry at commercials.  One animated comedy, a touching place in it he cried and we loved it.  Not "making fun of" loved it, we loved him because he had a heart that we all loved so much..  I had him with me last night going to that prison.  And I had his daughter and son with me.  When I saw my son leaving in his truck, I saw Billy.  And now I am crying.  I will stop, but remembering Billy lives in those two middle aged kids of mine always touches my heart.  I am him and he is me, forever.  

[WolfsKat]

14 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 I will stop, but remembering Billy lives in those two middle aged kids of mine always touches my heart.  I am him and he is me, forever.  

That is a beautiful thought, Marg.......it is a huge regret of mine, that Connor and I met later in life.......past my child-bearing years.....he never had kids.  Oh, how I wish I had met him earlier and had children with him!  Although, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the 3 kids that I DO have, they have my heart.....but, it would've been wonderful to have had a child of his, as well.

[KATPILOT]

Kathy and I met later in life too Kat. She had never been married and I had two grown sons. She said she never wanted to marry until she met me and never wanted children until I came into her life. Sadly we realized that we were on the edge of having children since she was 39. We also were a bit selfish wanting to enjoy our time together for as long as we could. She cried more than once over that decision. I can only say that if I had just suggested "let's do it" she would have done so and today I would have a piece of her. I have dreamed of that since she left. I can just picture a seventy year old dad at his daughters high school graduation. So yes Kat, I know what you're talking about.

[Margm]

I'm happy to have my children, but Billy and I married when we were children.  He told me the doctor said the mumps had "gone down on him" and he could not have children.  I didn't care when I was 18 years old whether he could have them or not.  Fortunately, he might not could have children but Billy Jr. was born a week before our first anniversary and looked just like him, so he definitely could provide the means..  I had such a hard time I was not going to have any more.  That was "back in the day" and my neighbor (who had six children) told me about the rhythm method.  Nine months later, born right on the day she was supposed to came Kelli.  Then, Billy had a vasectomy.  My relatives may have "dropped" a half dozen and went back to work in the fields, but this ole gal had two over eight pound kids and I did not have a field to go to work in.

But, those two crazy kids that did not know what marriage was, did not know what responsibility was, they managed somehow.. And, I miss his tall skinny legs, and the rest of him too.   

[Brad]

Greetings from the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I am grateful to have a time to share this amazing experience with my kids and my oldest grandson. 

 

[Margm]

Brad, in one of Edward Abbey's books he tells of them taking him down to a part of this area that is off to itself.  He had a little building he slept in and every day he would run and jump in the pool naked..  I would like to think that it was one like this (although I am sure there were too many people around this one).  I loved reading of his travels and think you would be interesting too.  Of course he had about five wives and only one of them passed away.  He wrote a book about it later, something like "Dark Sun" or something   This is beautiful.

[Brad]

"Desert Solitaire" was my bible back in college. Growing up in Utah the southern deserts of Utah, especially Escalante, Moab and Canyonlands/Arches parks as well as the northern Arizona deserts were our late Autumn and Spring time stomping grounds. Edward Albee was my hero. 

Back in his day he probably swam in pools similar to this but not this one. Flash floods are constantly changing the course of the river here in the Havasupai reservation. Prior to August 2010 Upper Navajo Falls was one waterfall, now it is two and this waterfall was created and pool was created. Spent all day today swimming in many similar pools while hiking fourteen miles, most of it through the river, taking in all five waterfalls on the Havasupai reservation. My body is sore and bruised but my spirit soars. 

[Margm]

I discovered him the month after he passed away.  I mourned him.  I read "Desert Solitaire" in two paperbacks that I wore out and then they let me order a newly made hardback of "Desert Solitaire."  In getting rid of my books to go to live in the RV, Edward Abbey books were the only ones I saved.  I had them all.  Still do.

On yes, cannot remember the name of the bookstore for sure (Desert Winds?) down toward Benson, but "Win Bundy" let me and Billy stay by ourselves while she went hunting for her lost cat.  I was in book heaven.  Every room, floor to ceiling.  I asked her how much land she had and she said only one (quarter???) or 600 acres, which to me was tremendous.  Think she is still alive but someone else runs the bookstore.  Anyhow, she used to invite authors for talks on a Saturday once a month, I think.  Abbey came one time and threw beer cans all down the road to her ranch.  I still loved him.

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing that, Brad!  I didn't know there was a body of water at the bottom of the Grand Canyon!  I've always wanted to go there and now no one to go with...I'm not one to want to travel alone to see such places, but who knows, maybe someday I'll get there yet!

[Brad]

Kay- The Grand Canyon is being carved by the Colorado River and has been for millions of years. Lots of pretty intense white water rafting there. 

Where I'm at is on the Havasupai reservation, a small tribe who lives at the bottom of the southern tip of the Canyon. Three ways in: hike ten miles with a 4,000 foot drop in elevation, take a horse in, or take a helicopter in. The river starts as a spring. The water picks up a lot of minerals and carbonates as it passes through the rocks above so it is a unique and beautiful turquoise color. 

Sadly leaving today; got to get a early start as the last two miles will involve a climb of 2,600 feet and my old legs are already yelling at me.