Reflections and musings

[KATPILOT]

I can so relate to cooking at home because Kathy was an awesome cook. She would make things for me that I so missed when it was gone. I think that was something that just flat out saddened me because I knew I would never have them again. Then after several months of feeling sorry for myself, I thought "If I ever want to have those things again, I was simply going to have to do it myself". Now I'm no cook although I can boil water and clean the dishes. So I got out her recipe files and started looking through them. OMG it was like a trip through a field of triggers. First of all, a lot were in her handwriting. Some had notes like the one in particular I remember was "cook ten minutes longer, Steve likes it that way".  But the one that got to me the most was a special desert I loved which was clipped out of a magazine and on the back side was this poem

If memories were a stairway                                                                                                                                                            and tears a lane                                                                                                                                                                               I would climb right up to heaven                                                                                                                                                       and bring you home again.

Now that got me...............What an amazing thing to find hidden deep to be discovered one day.  Somehow I dug through them and found some to make and I bought all the ingredients  and planned my attack. I set out all the bowls, ingredients, and measuring cups and laid in bed that night thinking how I was going to proceed. If I just did what it said when it said to do it, I could pull this off. And, I did it!  I actually followed a recipe. I felt really good about myself for the first time since she left. It wasn't quite the same though. She wasn't there with me but it was the closest I could get.

I know it's a different feeling than you ladies are expressing because you cook and you did it for them so you miss that and I'm speaking from the other side of your point but when you talk about cooking for your husbands, I  was one of those who was cooked for and let me tell you, it sure as hell is and was appreciated.   And missed. 

 

[Margm]

Billy's mesenteric arteries were involved.  They put in stents, but it was too late.  Starting August 31st, everything he ate hurt him.  We just knew he had the brain aneurysm then, did not know about the cancer until he had to have the stents.  I cooked his favorites, he ate and he suffered so bad that the hydrocodone they gave him, overnight I gave him 6 or 7 and he was in intolerable pain. At the ER they gave him Dilaudid and it took care of the pain. He shut down eating entirely.  I could not even get fluids down him and the week he passed we were at the cancer center every day for fluid boluses.  I swore off cooking.  All these people around me, I buy frozen stuff and things they can fix themselves.  I will use the slow cooker, but have only used it twice.  I will cook no more forever.  .  

[brat#2]

I loved to cook for Dale, he pretty much loved everything I made.  He was also a pretty good cook and was great on the grill.  We would take turns cooking and always enjoyed what each other had made.  Of course, like you said Stephen I will never have his signature dishes again, he didn't use a recipe and I never watched him so I don't have a clue how he made them.  I have also found that I haven't been able to make his favorites that I made for him yet either.  So now, I make easy, simple one item meals because I know I have to eat and I'm a lot like Marg, I'm doing a lot of frozen meals or sandwiches.  Just another thing we have to get use to in this journey.

Joyce

 

[Guest]

I was a very pampered husband.  Deedo wouldn't let me in her kitchen.  She was a wonderful cook and a better baker.  I cannot eat anyone else's lemon meringue pie, her's were really that good.  Now meals are just for sustenance and the menu simple.  I rotate through the same four meals.  Eating has become very mundane.

[iPraiseHim]

I, like Mitch, was taught to cook, clean, and take care of myself.  I didn't have the culinary skills of my Mom but I got by.  When my wife and I met, the first meal she fixed was teriyaki chicken wings. She touched my arm, and said, "honey you don't need to salt them, taste them first!"  from that day forward, I never needed to add salt to any food. I haven't for over 26 years.  My wife was a great cook and would cook most meals but when work got busy and I was between jobs, I would cook which she tolerated.  When we were both working together, we tried to have a Friday night date so we could relax, enjoy some food, and each others company.  I loved to sit across from her and just look into her eyes and face.  I so miss that now.  In the last six years, she was too weak too work, but she always try to have a warm meal ready for us when I came home.  As she grew weaker and weaker, she was unable to go out for Friday night days, so I brought a special dinner home that she liked or she wanted me to have.  I cherished Friday night dinners. In the last couple of years, I would fix our dinner when I was off from work.  She would do what she could. 

So, I cookd all my meals now.  Nothing fancy. Quick and simple now. I have about 10 different meals I eat. I have weaned myself of all processed foods. I used to eat too many TV dinners.  I am working on all natural and even organic fresh vegetables.  I am juicing in the morning and it does boost my energy for work. I am learning about probiotics how good gut bacteria can improve my immune system and even moods.  I still miss all those "special" foods Rose Anne would cook for me because they were made with her love added.  They tasted so good!  Shalom  - George

[Clematis]

More about food...I started calling my dad "Pudding Man"...

I cooked for my dad and encouraged him to eat whet he could from a normal diet, even though he obviously preferred Cozy Shack rice pudding to whatever I had cooked and ate myself. Toward the end he did more and more just picking at his food, and would apologize, saying, "I'm sorry-I just don't have much of an appetite". So I could ask him if he had any appetite for pudding and would he be willing to drink a chocolate Boost. Well yes, he would, and often he would consume both. I was trying to get him to have some real nutrition but it was really hard. When I started really pushing him to drink more Boost, and yeah, just go ahead and eat all the pudding you want, he stopped losing weight, but it didn't make him any stronger.

I had gone with him to his speech path appointments and tried to incorporate her suggestions about his swallowing disorder related to the Parkinson's to what he ate. There were some things I definitely eliminated, and there were some things that he never liked anyway that he objected to; "that kale and collards have just got to go!" But at some point he told me that he really couldn't eat the peas and the corn that he kept asking before because he would choke on the skins. I eventually realized that there were tons of things he avoided because he knew they would make him choke, but he wouldn't admit anything anything about not being able to eat something he used to love, like nuts and pretzels. I didn't figure a lot of things out until after he was gone because he just wouldn't tell me.

Then, when he was at the rehab hospital for his last six days they pulverized all of his food and put thickener in all of his beverages. They wouldn't even allow him to eat rice pudding because of the little rice pieces. I felt badly-that maybe I should have been feeding him like they were feeding him. But he hated that pulverized stuff and I don't think he would have sat in his own house and drunk water with thickener in it, even if I given it to him. I eventually got him to eat yogurt, since it had more protein than pudding and was just as tasty. I sure fretted a lot about my dad and his food, I'm not sure if it helped at all, and I still wonder if there was more I could have done...

[Gin]

Laura, Al had problems with eating and swallowing and I tried to supplement his meals with Ensure.  The last few weeks in the hospital were very unpleasant for him.  He preferred not to eat at all.  They took a swallowing test and it showed he was aspirating the food/liquid into his lungs.  He only had about 100 calories a day when I fed him.  He did not want a G tube.  He wanted to go home.  The doc suggested he have a nasal tube for a short time to get a little stronger.  He hated it, but by that time he only had a day or so to live.  I felt so bad later that I allowed it, but I sure thought he was coming home.  These things are so hard and they keep bothering us for a long, long time,

gin

[Margm]

I have to tell you that I do realize life goes on in a family, even when the main person passes away.  I cannot understand my feelings of running away from family members, running away from family problems.  My great granddaughter, meeting her for the first time only a couple of months after Billy left only left me cold feeling, detached. So many family problems to take care of and I feel so detached from all of them, except my 16-year-old granddaughter.  Billy loved her so much that somehow I can feel his love when I am around her.  There was an old saying something like "when there are no solutions, why worry."  I know I probably got that wrong.  My biggest fear/aggravation nowadays is when someone tells me "don't you remember?"  No, my memory is like a freshly cleaned blackboard.  I don't want to be so cold and detached from family, they need me, sometimes they need me too much for my comfort.  I did not know what thread to put this under, but it seems I am always "reflecting and musing."  

[Clematis]

13 hours ago, Gin said:

Laura, Al had problems with eating and swallowing and I tried to supplement his meals with Ensure.  The last few weeks in the hospital were very unpleasant for him.  He preferred not to eat at all.  They took a swallowing test and it showed he was aspirating the food/liquid into his lungs.  He only had about 100 calories a day when I fed him.  He did not want a G tube.  He wanted to go home.  The doc suggested he have a nasal tube for a short time to get a little stronger.  He hated it, but by that time he only had a day or so to live.  I felt so bad later that I allowed it, but I sure thought he was coming home.  These things are so hard and they keep bothering us for a long, long time,

gin

It does keep bothering me. We were both sure he was coming home. He had lost one of his bottom teeth-and was supposed to have another pulled on what turned out to be the day before he died- due to eating all that pudding and not remembering to take care of his teeth. He was so adamant all along about staying at home-and I wanted him with me. I was working on arranging to have the other tooth pulled so that it could recover to a point where he could get a partial. We were both sure he could live another five years. He never did have the tooth pulled, but I feel horribly guilty that I was even worried about his teeth whenever I look at his urn of ashes in the living room. Everyone in the world kept telling me he should be in assisted living. Maybe he should have been-they would have taken better care of him than I did. They probably would have taken better care of his teeth. But he just hated the idea, and would out his hand in a position like a gun popping off, pointed at his head whenever the subject came up. That was what he thought about living in a facility. I tried desperately to keep him at home.

But it is really hard trying to take care of all of someone else's needs and your own as well. And I work about full time, and need to continue doing so. When he got to a point where it was totally obvious to everyone that he could not go home and would have to live somewhere else, it was really awful. But he was suddenly incontinent, it took two people to transfer him, and I couldn't do all that myself. I tried desperately to get him some caregivers for him at home, but trying to get people to do anything in between Christmas and New Years is about impossible. I hurt my back trying to help him get out of bed and it was hard on his back as well. And if he had come home he could have needed round the clock care, which no one was able to pay for. His days of living at home were over and he just stopped breathing in his sleep.

I tried to get him what he wanted at the end of his life. He had always said that he wanted to die in bed in his sleep of old age. Well his didn't exactly die in his own bed, but he never did move-even though he died in the end in a hospital, he was still living at home. I did the best I could and didn't really know all that much about taking care of someone at home. I was just stumbling along doing the best I could. But I keep feeling badly about his teeth and having been worried about that. I wouldn't have been thinking about his teeth if I knew it was his last day, and they in fact did not pull the tooth, but I feel badly about it...

[Clematis]

And now I feel like I am neglecting my cat Lena. It's spring and so she is losing her winter coat. I usually brush her a lot this time of year and she hardly ever gets hairballs and the barfing that goes along with it. But she has several times lately, and I feel terrible about not brushing her enough. I have been so preoccupied...but how can I neglect my beloved cat?  

[Gwenivere]

Saw this this morning.....

[kayc]

Gwen, I don't see anything displayed.

[Gwenivere]

Odd, I see it on my computer.  I'll have to try again  from my tablet.

 

[kayc]

Maybe it's my video card or something, who knows.

[Gwenivere]

Let's try this again....

 

[Margm]

How true.  Gwen, I didn't get it the first time either.  Got it now.  

[kevin]

Laura, I am an expert on Boost, Ensure, etc and found that to be a life saver/extender...I got into high protein, and calorie counting first thing in the mornings I even slipped an egg into the Boost(whipped it up).....As long as I got 1000 calories into Angela by noon, the rest of the day was a cake walk.......Lately, Boost has a Diabetic drink now....I learned from previous experiences ,calorie intake is the most important...If they want chocolate bars, give them chocolate bars....Heavy people are healthier than none eaters........Mother and Sister died due to eating disorders after lengthy illnesses.... 

[Guest]

Boost also has a Boost VHC  (Very High Calorie) 530 calories per carton.  Kept trying to fatten Deedo up but she couldn't break 90 pounds.

[KATPILOT]

Fighting cancer is one of the hardest things to do when it comes to weight loss. When we first got the diagnosis we immediately started researching how to fight it and learned about nutrition and how the main reason for death in cancer patients was malnutrition. Kathy didn't live long enough to lose weight but we tried everything we could to survive. That must have been very hard on you Brad.  Sometimes when we are fighting the good fight we realize we are helpless to stop it.

One thing that made no sense to me was how the chemo people were telling her to drink milk shakes and eat ice cream while the nutritionist we saw told us how cancer feeds on sugar.  I don't know. Not much made any sense to me. I suppose the fact that we only had four months was a good thing by not having enough time to feel guilty for having made the wrong decision. That and the fact that her cancer had an 18% survival rate.

[Margm]

I went ahead and deleted what I said about smokeless tobacco and the cigarette smoking.  That is a personal choice just like my taking the amphetamines in the 70s when they were legal and I had a prescription.  I certainly won't be the pot calling the kettle black.  I have enough crap under my front porch that I need to take care of so my fussing about stuff I cannot control, stuff that is gone now would be pointless.  Everyone has to do what they have to do.  I will take my Xanax till the cows come home, but I won't mix it with anything.  Billy's smokeless tobacco only bothers me because I feel it added to Billy's death.  But that is just me.  And, what do I know?  Besides, I am the one who blames the state of Arkansas for killing him, now how sane is that?

[Guest]

Steve - Deedo was always very active and that combined with genetics kept her below 100 lbs all of her life.  When she was first diagnosed, the surgeon who did her biopsy also implanted a powerport for her chemo treatments.  While doing that he nicked her lung which then collapsed.  While she was hospitalized for the collapsed lung she lost seven pounds.  That was how her battle started and we never were able to recover any of the weight she lost.  Everyone was telling us that she needed more calories but she could not tolerate anything sweet so smoothies and shakes were out.  After her g-tube was placed we were able to start Boost VHC but only at night when she was asleep as the fullness of her stomach also caused distress.  I had her up to 2,000 calories daily but she still was unable to put on weight.  We fought that battle for seventeen months.  When she died she was under eighty pounds.

[kayc]

My mom was down to about 60 lbs, she hardly ate the last year.

My sister has COPD but still smokes.

My other sister is on oxygen but still smokes (removes oxygen to do it).

Nicotine is a powerful addiction!

George cut back his smoking 90%, wanted to quit, but they'd stopped the smoking cessation programs at that time and he was really struggling.  I have to give him credit for trying.  Who knows if he'd still be alive today though...

[Guest]

Deedo and I both quit back in 2000 after smoking for thirty years.  She was running three to five miles a day when she was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma (non small cell) lung cancer.  If you never smoked and get lung cancer this is the one you would get.  No one could tell us if her smoking causes the cancer but it certainly contributed to it.  Deedo went cold turkey but I needed the help of welbutran.  Fortunately it worked for me.

[Margm]

Brad, right now I have a hate for tobacco.  But, I was never addicted to it.  I know it is an addiction hard to quit.  I know it so well.  But, like I have said so many times, Mama is nearly 95 and she eats the things.  But some people are poisoned by it.  I don't know that is what killed Billy, it was a compilation of things, but I have to have anger at something and this is what I blame.  After the horses are out of the barn, no need closing the door.  And I don't know how that old saying goes, but  that is the gist of it.  

I have learned from living half a century with Billy, never to criticize tobacco in any form.  After that boy quit smoking he became a hypocrite in the worse way.  Could not stand people smoking around him, yet he could not give up that smokeless kind.  Could-not-give-it-up.  I said we never fussed about money, we didn't, we fussed about tobacco, but eventually we quit fussing about that.  I lost the battle.  I lost Billy too.

And I want you all to know, I might be a country redneck, but I know not to argue politics, religion..........or tobacco.  Sometimes I slip.  I have had my addictions, so it is the pot calling the kettle black.

[Margm]

I lash out at things sometimes that don't matter a whit right now..  When they are gone, they are just gone.  I'm off my soap box about what killed Billy, I don't know what killed him.  By statistics he had another year to be on the statistical list of normal for males to die.  See, I said the dreaded words, dead, die, killed, whatever.  They are just gone..  I just miss Billy.