Reflections and musings

[Cookie]

Brad, the book you mentioned, "About Grief," is incredible.  I am reading it and it is a comfort.  Thanks for the suggestion.   Cookie

[Guest]

On April 30, 2016 at 7:03 AM, mittam99 said:

These days, of course, the hurt is still there (and always will be) and the waves still push me back, but I'm slowly evolving and learning to find my place in this life.

Mitch -

You growth is so evident as you have really begun to evolve from the basket case we all as we enter this portal, into that sage and compassionate advisor you are today.  Your thoughts and ideas are so frequently spot on.  And while many of us seem to be inching and clawing it is so refreshings seeing one who is finding peace after so much sorrow.

 

Cookie-

I need to thank Ana for posting that book some time ago.  "About Grief" by Marasco and Shuff, Joan Didion's "Year of Magicl Thinking", C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed", Janice Kaplan's "The Gratitude Diaries" and of course our own Dearest Marty Tousley's "Finding Your Way Thorugh Grief" have all been the focus of reading, over and over and over.  Learn something new each time.

[Guest]

On a different note:  Today while walking I was reflecting on BD days (Before Deedo).  Throughout most of the seventies I would spend my summers working at an Easter Seal Camp high on the Grand Mesa in Western Colorado.  What a wonderful, magical place it was...expecially with no one around.  At the end of the season I would stay in camp and help our aging maintenance man with camp repairs.  Rather than completing the 45 minute drive each way I just stay in the camp.  In the evenings I would hike to the top from 8,000 feet to 10,000 feet to watch the sun set behind the Bookcliffs and Manti Lasalle Mountains of Eastern Utah.  The beauty was and is simply indescribable.  I would sit there with such conflict as the beauty would remind me of how magnificent this world truly is once man is factored out of the equation and two how utterly, desperately, lonely I was and how my heart so longed to share these times with someone who could truly appreciate them.

I met Deedo in 1978 and found that woman.

Now I still see and marvel at the magnificence of life on Earth, once again realizing how much more beautiful it could be without man, and my heart aches daily because I want to share this wonder with the one who really would appreciate its grandeur.

I know that there are others but for me there was only one.

[mittam99]

18 minutes ago, Brad said:

Mitch -

You growth is so evident as you have really begun to evolve from the basket case we all as we enter this portal, into that sage and compassionate advisor you are today.  Your thoughts and ideas are so frequently spot on.  And while many of us seem to be inching and clawing it is so refreshings seeing one who is finding peace after so much sorrow.

Thanks for your kind words Brad. I think it's so important to try to help others here that are in deep pain. I certainly can speak from experience as you know.

[Guest]

“What pitiable cant to say ‘She will live forever in my memory!’ Live? That is exactly what she won’t do. You might as well think like the old Egyptians that you can keep the dead by embalming them. Will nothing persuade us that they are gone? What’s left? A corpse, a memory, and (in some versions) a ghost. All mockeries or horrors. Three more ways of spelling the word dead. It was H. I loved. As if I wanted to fall in love with my memory of her, an image in my own mind! It would be a sort of incest.”

Excerpt From: C.S. Lewis. “A Grief Observed.” 

I would add "a dozen more ways of saying the word dead: passed, moved on, left us, is no longer here, gone to a better place, has gone to heaven, is an angel, gone to the Lord, God needed another angel (He's God can't he make his own?) departed, expired, perished.  Makes me wonder are we processed food or vegetables?  I will always fondly remember my wife and will, in all probability, never know that depth of love again.  But she is dead and I am not.  So I must try to figure out how to add meaning to my life without her.  I go to bed now but I will awake and my first thought for the 278th day will be "I rise to face another day without her."

[kayc]

I've read C.S. Lewis' books, I like him because he's not only so intelligent and educated, but very human, very authentic!

[Guest]

“Grief is a story you tell yourself. It’s a story of the death of someone you loved. It’s a story of the life of someone you loved. It’s a story of your life with them, and it’s a story of your life without them. Grief is a story you tell yourself—but you have a collaborator. The feelings unleashed by the death of someone you loved will keep putting in their two cents. Get used to it.”

Excerpt From: Ron Marasco & Brian Shuff. “About Grief.”

 

Found this profound. Wish grief would just shut up and move on to someone else. 

[scba]

Brad, that's one of my favorites from the book. I underlined exactly those words. 

[Margm]

Ana, I have the book you mentioned and the one George mentioned.  If I can slow this truck down, I have some reading to do.  Thanks.

[MartyT]

Thanks to your recommendation, dear ones, I ordered and now I am reading About Grief. I'm only a few pages into the first chapter and already I can see why you like it so much. It's just a terrific read, and I love it!  (I learned a very long time ago that when one of our members recommends a book, I listen ~ and if I haven't read it already, I make a point to order it and read it. That's why my own personal library contains some of the very best stuff out there.) 

[KarenK]

Earlier today, I conversed with a person on CSN. She is grieving the loss of her mother to leukemia, 8 years gone now. She had asked if hiking was beneficial to anyone during their grieving process. She had spent a week hiking alone in Alaska and it made her feel somewhat better. This made me think of you, Brad and of Andre who now hikes alone without Margaret. Unfortunately, my own hiking is limited to walks in the park where my dog walks me. But still, even that little bit of getting out of the house is life affirming and lets me know I am still alive. I invited her to join this forum if she so chooses to share her experiences and receive care and compassion from all of us.

[Margm]

Karen, Billy and I used to "hike" (just walk) all of these Arkansas back roads and trails for the 18 years we have been in this state.  Sometimes we would never see a single person.  One memorial hike was back in the woods along the Fourch-Lafave River.  I found three new pair of hiking boots, an unsolved mystery.  We enjoyed these solitary trails.  For now, I do not go our customary walks, I just cannot.  I "hike" around Walmart now and will walk around the apartment complex now.  If I am going to live, and so far, I am not slipping away, so I guess I will have to take care of what body I am left with.  Maybe not hikes anymore, but as long as I can walk, I will have to start practicing better health habits.  I prefer to hide.

[kayc]

I love taking my dog out walking, but don't consider it a "hike" unless it's an uphill trail of at least a couple of miles.   It does make me feel better to get out in nature and get some exercise.

[KarenK]

In our much younger days, Ron & I would "wilderness" hike in northern Az. There are still some uninhabited areas here. You found hiking boots. We found naked people running around, rattlers waiting to strike, and elk right in your face.   lol  Those hikes bring fond memories of better times. As much as my heart would like to revisit those places, my body would revolt & they are not places an old woman should be alone in. I will restrict my hiking to Walmart, also.

I envy you and Kay for living in such beautiful places. I hear you Kay, about uphill. Too tough for me now. Even flat ground above 10,000 feet is off my menu.

[Clematis]

I keep thinking it would be a good thing to go hiking...after all Sedona is a hiker's paradise! Bit it's hard to do anything-other than the fact that I have kept working and completed my ceramics class-I have had trouble doing anything. It seems to bizarre to be so exhausted-I am used to having so much energy it made people tired to even hear about what I did in a day. I guess grief is like swimming in a riptide; there's this tremendous undertow of current no one can see. On the surface everything looks normal, but underneath the surface it's all you can do to keep breathing and minimally moving.

[Margm]

Karen, to us every part of Arizona was magic, but this was even too far away for our family..

[Clematis]

And here I am, squandering it...

[Margm]

Enjoy it Laura.  Arkansas is/was beautiful and I know they did not take Billy away, but he left me in it and I will never see it again.

[Guest]

On May 4, 2016 at 3:35 PM, KarenK said:

In our much younger days, Ron & I would "wilderness" hike in northern Az. There are still some uninhabited areas here. You found hiking boots. We found naked people running around, rattlers waiting to strike, and elk right in your face.   lol  Those hikes bring fond memories of better times. As much as my heart would like to revisit those places, my body would revolt & they are not places an old woman should be alone in. I will restrict my hiking to Walmart, also.

I envy you and Kay for living in such beautiful places. I hear you Kay, about uphill. Too tough for me now. Even flat ground above 10,000 feet is off my menu.

Karen - It is a distinct possibility that I was one of those naked people running around.  Could not pass up a watering hole without the obligatory dip.

[KarenK]

Could be Brad, could be. This happened up the the area of Kendrick Peak north of Flagstaff many years ago. Topped a hill and there they were in all their glory. Needles to say, we gave them their privacy.

[Guest]

Driving home from more doctor appointments I have lots of time for musing and reflecting.  Today I was reflecting on where I am as opposed to where I was five months ago.  I decided to make a post about that but then when I got home some refrigerator magnets I had ordered had arrived.  I figured it was time to get rid of the ones from Diva's Salon and the like and replace them.  As I started to take down the many pictures on the fridge I discovered love notes, written by Deedo after she realized she was dying, and now I can't seem to turn the waterworks off.  I need to save my personal growth observations for another day.  Some day I will cherish those notes but today they simply remind me of what I have lost.

[brat#2]

Brad, I'm so sorry you found those.  You never know what and when you are going to find something that is going to tear your heart out.  It is also good like you said that you did find them and some day you will be able to cherish those notes, but I completely understand that today is not that day.  I'm sending you a big hug.

Joyce

 

[KATPILOT]

Oh Brad! I know that was a hard find but know that she wanted you to find them later. That's the sweetest part about them. I think no matter how long it is after she left, they would still bring tears. I know my friend. I'm still finding things today and it's been more than five years. I crave just running my fingers over Kathy's words. Anything she ever touched brings comfort and sorrow but I would rather touch them than not have them at all. One day I hope you will be in the same place.

 

[kayc]

Oh Brad, I'm so sorry!  Someday those same notes will bring you comfort, I know, I have them all over my house!

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, KATPILOT said:

 I crave just running my fingers over Kathy's words. Anything she ever touched brings comfort and sorrow but I would rather touch them than not have them at all. One day I hope you will be in the same place.

 

I am there, kind of.  I am so happy to see into her mind, just really wish there had never been a need to write those notes.  I do cherish everything she left behind.