Reflections and musings

[mittam99]

Gwen said:

"I wish I found more comfort at home too considering how much time I spend here.  I love our home and how we made it ours.  But I sure miss him in and out of rooms, playing with the dogs, playing his music, just in general being a life force here.  I don't know how to live single.  Not liking it as I did when I left home at 18.  Plus, the place is too darned clean! "

-----------------------------

The solution Gwen? Throw things around and mess the house up. Play loud music all the time. Get all wild and crazy. Yeah, I know. If only it was that easy, I'd write a book and earn millions.

I look around our house and of course, I have memories everywhere. I just choose to believe that Tammy's essence is everywhere here. In doing so, some of the feeling of missing what I no longer have, is lessened to a degree.

Of course I miss everything about Tammy. I've often wondered if the devil said "Hey Mitch, have I got a deal for you!... just sell me your soul and I can bring Tammy back and cure her Lupus". Would I take that offer?

Would you?

 

[brat#2]

Gwen, I know I don't like living single either and never had too  (I lived with my dad until I got married)  and you are right, the place is too clean!!

Mitch - sounds like a good deal to me, although, if I didn't have my soul then I couldn't be with Dale's soul then could I?

Joyce

 

[Patty65]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 Plus, the place is too darned clean!   

Absolutely!  Our mess was our mess because we just wanted to hang out and have fun together after a long hard day of work (together)... we didn't care about the rest!  I liked our mess.  I'd look at it and think, "it's not messy, it's just full of life and living!" Now, there's nobody to mess everything up.  Not even me. The only mess is a pile of bowls in the sink from the only thing I can eat anymore, soup.

[KATPILOT]

On 4/20/2016 at 6:02 AM, Brad said:

A friend of ours died yesterday.  It was quite unexpected.  Her husband has had dementia for the past several years and has been on the decline.  They had just relocated to Colorado so she could be closer to her son and his family.  Also so he could help her take care of her husband.  Upon hearing the news my initial reaction was what a lucky person her husband was to have dementia; otherwise he would be forced down the road we are all travelling.

I missed this when you first posted it Brad and I am sorry you have lost a friend.  What struck me was that she was the lucky one not to have faced the time ahead and her ultimate loss. That of course is my thought alone coming from where I am today. Not your average thinking person. When I lost my mother in law I was sad but much more for my father in law. Then when he passed soon after, my thought was how he was the lucky one for he could be once again with his wife. 

[Patty65]

Me too Katpilot  and Brad -- my father's sister and her husband are both passing right now.  They are in their 80s.  Both very final stages.  When my sister texted me, that is the first thing I thought of, and wrote back to her.  I was glad they are able to go together so they don't have to go through this.  

[KarenK]

Don't know where to post this, so apologize if it offends anyone.

Went to the new heart doctor today for the myriad of tests my doctor wants. Silly me! I thought they would be done today, but no, let's drag it out. Saw the PA, answered all the questions, & scheduled the tests for May 10. Told her nothing is wrong with my heart except that it is broken and can't be fixed. She said there is actually a heart condition caused by grief. Thought that was interesting. Got the usual "you look good". I must have looked fantastic before all this happened.  lol   I don't recognize the stranger in the mirror.

[mittam99]

Tammy once told my niece that she wanted the two of us to die together, old and gray, snuggling and holding hands in bed. 

I want her back so bad. I need my Tammy. I need this to be nothing but a hellishly bad dream. And then, reality hits me like ice cold water in the face. This is my new reality and I have to live it alone. The only chance I have to make it is to live with Tammy by my side, in my heart.

[Guest]

On April 20, 2016 at 6:02 AM, Brad said:

A friend of ours died yesterday.  It was quite unexpected.  Her husband has had dementia for the past several years and has been on the decline.  They had just relocated to Colorado so she could be closer to her son and his family.  Also so he could help her take care of her husband.  Upon hearing the news my initial reaction was what a lucky person her husband was to have dementia; otherwise he would be forced down the road we are all travelling.

Turns out the story is a tragic one.  So sorry for the surviving family members.  There will be some real complicating factors to their grief.

[enna]

I wish grief was not like this ~ we are not the same after a significant loss. We are different. 

 

[KATPILOT]

How real that is Anne.

Karen when we look in the mirror now and ever since that day, we do not see the person we thought we knew looking back.  That person, that look,  is forever changed. It's all in the eyes.

[Clematis]

I've had a good day and felt like myself-off and on-but it is still not the same as I was-more like a few glimpses. I'm not sure who I am, or from whence comes my strength, because I think it was my dad all along who inspired me and kept me going...But nonetheless, I have to get up at 4:30 am and drive to the reservation to work, regardless of who I am...

[enna]

"And can it be, that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up?"
------- Charles Dickens

 

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, mittam99 said:

 I've often wondered if the devil said "Hey Mitch, have I got a deal for you!... just sell me your soul and I can bring Tammy back and cure her Lupus". Would I take that offer?

Would you?

That's a tough one.  As I don't beleive in the devil, can only speculate.  It implies there is an afterlife and trading some years here for a horrid eternity later.  But as I feel like I am in hell already, don't want to think of it being ever lasting.  I'm counting on my death bringing the ultimate freedom from this pain whatever comes after, if anything.  

[Gwenivere]

Karen, I had to have all kinds of tests after my TIA. My heart tests came back great.  Thier equipment couldn't image the heartbreak no matter how high tech they are.  

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

Karen when we look in the mirror now and ever since that day, we do not see the person we thought we knew looking back.  That person, that look,  is forever changed. It's all in the eyes.

That is so true.   I've even had people ask why I am sad when I am just chatting with them because they see it in my eyes.   I asked what tipped them off.  That was it.

[kayc]

Karen,

Please keep us posted about their findings when you know something.  Yes I think it is possible for your heart to be broken and it affect your physical heart.  I hope your physical heart is fine though!  I've come to love you in the time we've known each other here and I want nothing more than for something to start looking up for you.

[Margm]

Karen, I ditto everything Kay said  too.  I know sometimes when I have cried so brokenly, so hard, I get to where I cannot catch my breath and instead of fear, it is a feeling of wanting to just let go and quit breathing, so I know grief can break our hearts.  I have found out one thing, you don't get appointments with specialists real easy.  So, when you get one, for sure go.  I believe we can perish of a broken heart, but I also believe we can live with one too, no matter how hard it is.  You have a double break in yours, we want you to heal.  So, let us know how things go, even though you know nothing is wrong.  Does not hurt to be doubly correct.  

[Clematis]

That's great that your tests came back good! I think you're right-people do see it in your eyes and your face. When my sisters were out visiting me for my dad's memorial, we were in a Chipotle's and I almost fell backwards over a stroller (that I should have seen). The mom was very apologetic, and I just told her no, no, it's not your fault I'm stumbling around because my dad died and I'm just glad I didn't fall, because I could have, and so easily, and it wouldn't have been your fault at all. Looking at my face, she totally got it, stopped apologizing and was very sweet to me. My sisters told me they found it bizarre that I was telling this to someone I didn't even know. But people aren't blind and they see stuff in other people; I figure it's better to be real. It generally seems to help everyone more comfortable... 

 

[kath48]

Hi guys!

I'm a newbie here in more ways than one.  Not only new to this wonderful forum but new to this whole grieving process.

 I lost my 51 yr old husband to Cystic Fibrosis one month ago.  He had been diagnosed at 2 months of age and was one of the oldest CF's in Texas.  We were married for 21 years and I have no idea who I am without him and without CF.  I feel as if I am floundering without a life raft.  What did I think was going to happen..........that he would live               forever with CF?  I was no more prepared for this all-encompassing, horrendous, takes-my-breath-away grief, but I get the feeling that NO ONE is prepared for this!  And what makes it in many ways worse is that most of my family and friends have no idea what this whole process is like!  I want to shake them and tell them to do some research about grieving.  But I didn't do any research, why would they?  Finding this website has been so comforting to me, because it's filled with people who do get it and who I think are about the bravest people I've ever known.

So I thought I would bring this problem to you guys.  I have two grown children from my first marriage.  My son, Jason, and his wife had twins last September.  I haven't met the twins yet since they live in another state, and also because my husband's health was becoming worse, one emergency after another.  So now the twins are 7 months old, and I made plans to fly to Alabama this last Wednesday to see them and stay for awhile.  I woke up Wednesday morning with flulike symptoms and could barely get out of bed.  Thinking it's the flu, I called my son and told him I would probably be better by this weekend, probably Sunday.  But every time I think about getting on that plane, I get the shakiness, the heart palpitations, and the nausea that I had on Wednesday morning.  How will I ever explain to them that I just can't make it to Alabama right now, that it could be too soon?  How do you help family understand what they can't possibly understand since they haven't been through it?  I would love to hear any suggestions, advice, etc that you may have, because I do not know where to go from here.

Thanks so much for listening.

Kathy  

 

[iPraiseHim]

Hi, Kath. Welcome to our forum.  I would suggest you go to the doctor to get a good checkup.  Grief puts an extreme stress on our bodies.  Then I would suggest follow your heart.  I am sure you want to see the twins but you  need to listen to your bodily signals. I would speak the truth lovingly and openly.  You have experienced a deep profound loss when your beloved husband died and you are experiencing some physical complications that make it too stressful to travel.  You need to take care of yourself, Rest, drink plenty of water, eat healthy, get fresh air even when you don't feel like it.  Tears are stress relievers for grief. There will be more people respond.  Please know you are not alone or crazy.  Your life has been drastically altered and you need time and healing to adjust.  Share here when you can.  I'll be praying for peace and comfort for you.  Shalom - George

[enna]

Hi Kathy,

I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with George about taking care of yourself. Grief can cause so many health issues. Listen to your body and do what you need to and I'm sure your son understands about your not seeing the twins. Perhaps you could go on Skype, FaceTime or Google Hangouts or another video conference and visit with your son and see the twins. Sending hugs.

Anne

[Margm]

Kathy, you are so early in your grief.  We might expect it, but it does not happen until they are gone and it is so lonely.  Our minds play tricks on our bodies so you might need checked over by a doc.  Especially if you run temperature.  I am so much older than most on here that when I wake up in the morning I hit the floor because I am afraid to stay in bed.  Seems so easy to just give in.  I came on here at three days, and they have actually saved my life.  My friends tell me it will get easier, and I am sure they mean easier than the first week or month, but I am not sure how much easier it gets.  We have lots more experienced people on here than I am, and smarter also.  Marty will be able to give you more help.  In the meantime, this group will be able to help you with their experience on this terrible journey.  You have come to the right place.  

[Guest]

1 hour ago, kath48 said:

What did I think was going to happen..........that he would live               forever with CF?  I was no more prepared for this all-encompassing, horrendous, takes-my-breath-away grief, but I get the feeling that NO ONE is prepared for this!  And what makes it in many ways worse is that most of my family and friends have no idea what this whole process is like!

Kathy - First of all welcome.  You have come to a great place.  You will find understanding, love and support.  The quote above really hit home with me.  My wife died after a seventeen month battle with lung cancer.  When she was first diagnosed she was stage IIIb and the 5 year survival rate is less than 5%.  All along I figured we were fighting a losing battle and yet I never faced the reality of her death.  That was nearly nine months ago.  At least for now things are somewhat better than they were in August thru October.  They are not great or even so so but they are better.  I have found very few people realize how painful grief is unless they, themselves, are experiencing grief.  I know I never did.  

I am so sorry for your loss.  There are a number of books I have found useful.  I also had a grief counselor for several months, a psychiatrist and a face to face support group.  I highly recommend checking out some of these options if you haven't already.  Again welcome and know we are all here for you.

Brad

 

[MartyT]

Kathy, my dear, I agree completely with everything that George, Anne, Marg and Brad have told you. If you need to do so, feel free to tell your son that your grief support group (that would be us) have advised you that, as much as you want to see and hold your grandchildren, you're just not healthy enough and strong enough to make the trip right now, and taking care of yourself must be your top priority. Assure your son that you are doing all you can to get through this challenging time, and let him know that you need and appreciate his understanding and support. Meanwhile, know that we are here for you to lean on.  ♥

[Clematis]

Hi Kathy--Welcome! George is right on in his suggestions to you. Take care of yourself in every careful detail, starting with being careful walking, and taking care of yourself as if you were caring for a child or someone could not care for themselves . If you think it's beyond reasonable to fly right now, that's probably true! If you have to see the twins right now, try Skype of FaceTime or something.

George is right; grieving is exhausting for reasons that you can't even begin to understand when you are immersed in that particular river. At least that has been my experience.  The other thing I think is true is that even when you know you are going to lose someone and have done some anticipatory grieving, no one can know exactly how it will hit them when the person you love is actually gone. I have found people to be much more understanding than I had anticipated-for the most part. My sisters have been awful, but every single other person I know has emphatically urged me to not be pushed around by their agendas and do things on the timeframe that works for me. Explain as best you can, and if they don't get it, be patient and remember that doesn't make them right. Try not to worry about their reactions. 

Stress can do amazing things to you, and you were probably already exhausted from caregiving by the time that he died. That was certainly true for me when my father died from late stage Parkinson's related issues after I had cared for him for ten years. You might want to get a medical opinion about how you are feeling...I have a friend who has the symptoms you describe when she is really stressed (from adrenal insufficiency), but everyone is different. Listen to what your body is telling you.  

This forum has been a lifeline for me and I have been SO grateful and felt so less alone since I have been on here.

Take care of yourself-carefully, ok?

Laura