Reflections and musings

[KATPILOT]

Funny thing about cancer. It even gets people who lived as healthy of lives as possible. I think there is a lot of truth to the fact that hereditary factors are involved. Kathy smoked all the time I knew her but only two or three a day at most and wasn't what killed her.  When she died I began smoking because it was simply a narcotic which truly did make me feel better.  I was grabbing at anything. It was the closest I ever felt to being stoned because it wasn't against the law. (I kind of missed the 60's and I was  flying every day during my college years)  Today I no longer need them.  And perhaps I no longer wish so much for death.  It's taken years to get where I am today. Now if I could just lose the weight I've gained! 

[Guest]

I am shocked that I did not go back to smoking after Deedo died.  I thought about it but figured it would be an insult to her memory.  I also just let my medical marijuana card expire.  Deedo was so panicky about her weight she decided to try both THC and CBD tinctures.  The THC was far too potent and completely zoned her out.  The CBD does not have the psychoactive effects but then we didn't notice an increase in appetite either.  I got my card so I could shop for her as the card holder does have to be present.  I never did try it to see how it compared with my younger days.  Yes Steve I did not miss the 60's, just don't remember much of them.

[kevin]

Myself and Angela both smoked for over 40 years........I quit cold turkey because grandchildren, Angela later after her second stroke...It was the stupidest think I ever did in my life.....damage to every organ, teeth,libido,senses, strength, and your Family.....How we let this go on is beyond me and our governments still profit from it.....cost of smokes, cost to drive to store because your low, painting ceilings /washing walls every second year, increased  life insurance premiums, promoteability....the list goes on and on........smart people don't smoke.....took me awhile to clue in, I have big regrets

[Guest]

The one thing Deedo and I both did was to never smoke indoors or in the car.  People thought we were nuts out on the porch smoking in subfreezing temperatures but at least our house and clothes didn't smell like an ashtray; only our breath and hair.  Kevin you are correct smoking is stupid and yet as a society we do not learn from others' mistakes.

[kayc]

Well my sister Donna is quadriplegic 73 years old and she insists on smoking, but her caregiver takes her oxygen off, wheels her outside on the porch for her cigarettes.  It's not allowed in the house!  My sister Peggy is 71, has COPD, but she also goes outside to smoke as her husband has allergies.  I hate that they smoke but it's their right, I guess, if they want to kill themselves.  I can't be around smoke with my Asthma and allergies, and would choose not to be around it regardless.  My parents and sisters smoked in the house when I was growing up and I hated it.  It's just a habit I can't understand why anyone would start.  But I do know it has a calming affect on people that smoke so maybe that's why.  If I'd started with my GAD, I probably would have been a chain smoker.

[KATPILOT]

I get that Brad. We couldn't stand the smell of smoke in our house or clothes either. I think there are risks we all choose to take to some degree.  Every time I fly commercially I know I am at risk , small as it may be. We can avoid smoking, we can eat right too but I let myself have a little treat once in awhile.  Kay the calming effect is why I chose to start after Kathy died. Lucky enough for me I found peace enough to not make it a habit.  I heard once that cancer cures smoking.  I guess I care enough to want to stick around for a while. I was  thinking about my own grandfather who lived long enough to be a mentor to me and provided me with a lot of cool memories. Now it's my turn.

[Margm]

Okay, I started a discussion about tobacco and I'm sorry.  Maybe Billy's spirit is around.  That is something he would still argue with me. Only he cannot argue with me anymore, he is gone.  For some of my friends husbands, he lived a much longer and productive life.  Does not matter.  Tobacco does not matter.  Arkansas does not matter, teaching hospitals do not matter and actually save some people, maybe more than they hurt, I do lash out at things sometimes.  And as far as tobacco goes, how can you argue with perfection, Mama still has her "friends" at age 95, her Alzheimer's even lets her eat the filters and tobacco and papers.  

[Clematis]

Okay, so maybe we should stop beating that particular horse for now and move on...

I have been sleeping only courtesy of valium since the middle of December when my dad started really going downhill. A small dose, but how long can you do that and have it still work? Every now and then I test to see if I can sleep without it, and every time I don't go to sleep and then go ahead and take it. So last night I tried it again and actually slept for the first time with no Valium.

Only two problems-Lena the cat thought I'd probably had enough sleep by 5:00 am. Not true, and she got the cold shoulder instead of treats for waking me up at the right time. The other problem is that I woke up with my left hand numb from clenching my hands into fists...I have a hand injury and was using these gloves to sleep in-they keep your thumb extended so you can't sleep with your fists clenched. I had stopped wearing them because this seemed better, but maybe it was only because I was more relaxed sleeping due to the valium. I think I'm going to try to sleep without the valium, so maybe I need the gloves...?

[Margm]

Now Laura, that is a horse of a different color.  Xanax here.  So, this pot cannot call the kettle black.  I think they figured out the female wrestler or fighter Chynna (sp?) died of a combination of Ambien and Xanax (if I read it right), so I have tempted fate a couple of nights.  I don't know if I can sleep without it.  But, I don't know if I ever want to try to do without it.  It calms my congenital tremor, so I am good.  And, if it was not the tremor, I probably could find another excuse.  My sister says the cigarettes calm her and Mama too.  We gave Billy weed at his sickest and it made him feel lots better.  You do whatcha gotta do I guess.  

[Clematis]

I can't take Ambien; it makes me wake up in the middle of the night stuck in a hallucination or psychotic thing, so it's not worth the risk-an unusual but bizarre side effect. For me, Valium is great, but it you take it for too long it loses its power. But how long is too long?

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, kevin said:

smart people don't smoke.....

Well, I have read the thread and I guess I am an idiot. But I'm not going to defend myself here.  I just saw those words and had them said to once in person and was shocked.  I know the bad about it.  I also know that taking on a challenge of quitting now would be a failure and increased stress.  

[Margm]

Well, Gwen.  I think I am the culprit in this.  Damn glad I did not tell anyone what political party I belong to.  So, it is a cinch we cannot talk about God, politics, or cigarettes.  Hey, I have lived my whole life ignoring politics, allergy from my mom, dad's and Billy's cigarettes, and God..........well, maybe I should not mention him either.  I was commiserating the fact that I thought the smokeless tobacco killed Billy.  Of course I also think Arkansas killed Billy.  I think I stepped on way too many toes.  I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT FOLKS.  Lets get back to grieving.  SORRY AGAIN.  

Off subject, changing the subject, lets forget the subject......I bought a real page turning book today.  One with real paper pages.  Cost me 50 cents.  It was on Anne Boleyn.  She is supposed to be one of my long ago relatives, probably 100th cousin, thrice removed.  Anyhow, cannot figure out where it went after that since Elizabeth Ist was her child and that ole gal did no begetting that I have read about.  And, Anne had her head lopped off by ole Henry.  

Lets get back to what the forum is about and again.....I'M SORRY.  And politics......I hate that stuff too.  Hey, I take Xanax, I love Xanax, people don't approve.  I approve and that is all that matters to me, and I don't plan on quitting, but I won't mix it with liquor or Ambien, obviously a dangerous thing.  And, I have thrown away all Billy's Dilaudid's.  

Sorry again folks, I never smoked, but I sure have done a lot worse things.

[Clematis]

I hate to break it to you Gwen but you are not an idiot. Everyone, whether they smoke or not, can list the dangers of smoking in a heartbeat, and yet many people smoke anyway. Knowing the dangers makes no difference in why people can or cannot quit an addiction. Why is it that one person is able to stop an addictive behavior and another is not? No one knows! The 12-step people think they know and they don't. I have worked in mental health for over 20 years and I will tell anyone that this is one thing I just don't get-why some people can quit things and some cannot.  I don't think anyone flat-out has an answer as to why. But it sure isn't how smart you are!

I  agree, Marg, I tried to shift the subject as well because there is no answer to this. If you smoke and can figure out a way to quit, great! If you can't figure it out now, then just try to not smoke upwind of people with respiratory problems. No one will ever agree on this one. As for myself I am hoping for two nights in a row of sleep with no valium...Lena looks rather hungry at the moment. Perhaps if I get into bed with a big bag of cat treats and give them to her slowly, she'll purr me to sleep.

[Clematis]

I'm quite serious about the cat. Something about the purring lowes the blood pressure. Wish me luck!   And by the way, I don't think there's anything wrong with valium; I just know that if will eventually lose its power to to work if I take it every night forever. And I want to be about to count on it to work whenever the next pad patch comes along. Meanwhile, let's hope the cat doesn't get too fat!

[Margm]

I keep telling myself the Xanax has not lost its power, and it hasn't.  And, I will still have panic attacks.  I did not have them of this magnitude through the whole cancer journey of my own.  

[Gwenivere]

I don't know much about Valium, but I take Xanax regularly.  I have panic disorder.  I have never had to increase it unless I am in a very stressful situation.  It creates dependence, but doesn't create the need for more.  I know a lot of people on something to sleep.  Sleep is so vital to our well being.  More so than ever thought.  Our society stresses this go go go mentality that, I feel, is harming us a great deal.  So, Marg, I will never give mine up.  The odd thing is I am taking more once Steve died.  Maybe it isn't that odd.  When he was here, even in crisis, he was my calming force by his very presence.   This being alone is so hard to navigate with greater fear, lonelines, and anticipation.  Grief itself has its way of inspiring anxiety and panic too in people that never had it before.  

One thing I have learned is whatever it takes to get thru it.  

[Margm]

The fear comes on me, like someone said, in waves.  Sometimes when I feel it coming on I go talk to my neighbor widow.  She helps calm me down, she has been widowed near five years.  She is my shrink, accountant, friend, and I am going to miss her when I leave here.  We will have to write or call.  She does not use the computer.  I never take more than my allotted two a day, but sometimes I get by with one.  I was on them before back in the early 1980s.  I got myself off them, tapering off.  I do know how to taper off them and I had no withdrawal symptoms..  There was no craving or anything.  Now, the amphetamines (and again, yes, legal prescription for seven years), those had me totally hooked.  Getting off cold turkey, I went a little crazy and wound up on the psych ward.  It took years to stop the craving of those drugs.  And, like you, I do not plan on getting off them (Xanax)).  They do not bother my colon, in fact, they have saved my life in more ways than one.  I know people don't like them because they are addictive, but they do not scare me at all.  If I want to I can get off them, I've done it, only I just plain do not want to now, maybe never.  

[Clematis]

I don't have an anxiety disorder, or panic disorder but definitely worry too much. Fortunately, I seem to have good sleep genes from both of my parents, but I tend to burn the candle at both ends and get sleep deprived. I am more like an ADHD kid that you can't get to go to bed because they're all wound up in something. I have to force myself to stop and go to bed. On the two days a week I work on the reservation, I have to get up at 4:30 and its really hard to go to bed early enough to get enough sleep that I am not a danger to myself driving. When my dad was really going downhill, I really don't think I would have slept at all without the valium-my mind was just racing night and day with ways to save him. After he died, it was even worse and I can't explain why I had trouble sleeping because I was exhausted, but Gwen and Marg, I think you understand. I don't know if taking valium every night at the smallest dose they make it (5mg) is enough to make it stop working, but I am afraid it will lose its ability to help me sleep. Maybe this is not the best time, since I'm in the middle of my busiest. most pressured couple of weeks of the school year. 

Anyway, I did sleep the last two nights with no valium-only Lena purring...in fact last night I slept a really long time, which was probably a good thing. By the time I finally got up, Lena was getting frantic and finally stood on my chest meowing in my face. Lena is a therapy cat and she has two jobs outside the home. She goes to an assisted living facility and she goes to a skilled nursing facility/rehab center next door, doing an hour each on Sunday afternoons. Her third job is me; she pokes and paws at me when it is time for me to get up, which I think she figures out because she hears an alarm or because she hears me stirring. And then at night she cuddles up and purrs-on most nights that is enough, but sometimes it's not. Last night as I was going to sleep, I was thinking I should rewrite words to "My Funny Valentine" as "My Fuzzy Valium"...

[Guest]

I am currently rereading "About Grief" by Marasco and Shuff (Thank you Ana!) and just finished the subchapter on Solidarity.  

“This basic human need for solidarity undergirds our self-definition and shapes our daily lives. We get our sense of security from belonging to, and feeling “safe” within, certain emotional affiliations.”

Excerpt From: Ron Marasco & Brian Shuff. “About Grief.”

This helps me to understand why I am so drawn to this forum.  Here I find a community, a group of individuals, as diverse as any, coming together searching for that sense of security, that sense of acceptance, that sense of compassion, and that sense of understanding to help me muddle through this ever-shifting landscape.  Each of us are here for our own reasons; some looking for answers, some looking for a way to vent, some feeling the need to reciprocate, some wishing to offer compassion and support, most of us a combination of them all.  For myself, I have family I can lean on occasionally but I don't have many friends nor have I ever been a group person (Always believed in the Groucho Marx adage: I don't want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member.)  That is why I am so appreciative of this forum.  Here I am welcome.  Here I can find support and answers.  Here I can vent.  Here I can rant.  Here I can write to hear myself write.  Here I can learn how to adapt to my grief, not as a journey to take but as a component of myself.  My Deedo has been taken from me and in her stead I find grief.  With your help I am slowly learning how to live and embrace that grief.

Today is nine months since my wonderful wife died.  I miss her every day, all day but I am learning to redefine Brad and understand that the grief I feel is now as much a part of me as is my heart, my mind, my soul.

[brat#2]

Brad - your post is so true.  You said exactly what I feel about being on this forum and I am also so grateful for the compassion, understanding and friendship I feel here.  I know how much you miss Deedo and what the 9 months mark feels like, Dale died 9 months and 19 days ago.  I too still miss daily and cry for him daily, but am learning to accept that is part of my life now.  Hugs for you.

Joyce

 

[Guest]

Joyce- Hugs back at you.

[Cookie]

1 hour ago, Brad said:

I am currently rereading "About Grief" by Marasco and Shuff (Thank you Ana!) and just finished the subchapter on Solidarity.  

“This basic human need for solidarity undergirds our self-definition and shapes our daily lives. We get our sense of security from belonging to, and feeling “safe” within, certain emotional affiliations.”

Excerpt From: Ron Marasco & Brian Shuff. “About Grief.”

This helps me to understand why I am so drawn to this forum.  Here I find a community, a group of individuals, as diverse as any, coming together searching for that sense of security, that sense of acceptance, that sense of compassion, and that sense of understanding to help me muddle through this ever-shifting landscape.  Each of us are here for our own reasons; some looking for answers, some looking for a way to vent, some feeling the need to reciprocate, some wishing to offer compassion and support, most of us a combination of them all.  For myself, I have family I can lean on occasionally but I don't have many friends nor have I ever been a group person (Always believed in the Groucho Marx adage: I don't want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member.)  That is why I am so appreciative of this forum.  Here I am welcome.  Here I can find support and answers.  Here I can vent.  Here I can rant.  Here I can write to hear myself write.  Here I can learn how to adapt to my grief, not as a journey to take but as a component of myself.  My Deedo has been taken from me and in her stead I find grief.  With your help I am slowly learning how to live and embrace that grief.

Today is nine months since my wonderful wife died.  I miss her every day, all day but I am learning to redefine Brad and understand that the grief I feel is now as much a part of me as is my heart, my mind, my soul.

Love this...

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Brad said:

Today is nine months since my wonderful wife died.  I miss her every day, all day but I am learning to redefine Brad and understand that the grief I feel is now as much a part of me as is my heart, my mind, my soul.

My heart goes out to you, Brad.  Seems we keep an tally of the time whether consciously or not.  I'm still going to bed every night saying it was a long day without you to Steve.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My heart goes out to you, Brad.  Seems we keep an tally of the time whether consciously or not.  I'm still going to bed every night saying it was a long day without you to Steve.

Gwen -

I still start every day with the line from Harry Nilsson's song "Without Her" popping into my mind.  "And I rise to start another day without her."

[mittam99]

Brad, I agree with you 100% on your thoughts regarding this forum. To be able to interact with others who have lost their soul mate is so incredibly helpful. This feels like a family that genuinely cares about one another. Sometimes, it doesn't feel like we have a place in the "real world". Here, we realize that we are not alone and in that sense, it is very comforting.

My heart goes out to you on the nine months without your beloved Deedo. I still can't fathom that it's been nearly 14 months without my sweet Tammy. Last year at this time I wasn't too sure if I'd even make it a few weeks more. The devastation and desolation was that overwhelming. These days, of course, the hurt is still there (and always will be) and the waves still push me back, but I'm slowly evolving and learning to find my place in this life.