Reflections and musings

[KarenK]

Kathy,

My heart goes out to you in your time of sadness.  I think when you live with someone for a long who has a chronic illness and they are able to cheat death many, many times, you sort of delude yourself into thinking they are invincible. Ron had been a diabetic for 25 years and a heart patient for 10. The doctor visits, ER visits, hospitalizations, & life threatening situations were endless, but he always recovered. When cancer took over, he just couldn't. My mind knew this, but my heart would not accept it. None of us lives forever.

It may be harder for our children to accept what grief does to us. After all, you are the "Mom" and can handle anything. Just be truthful and admit you are not up to a trip right now. I"m sure he will understand.

I hope you are feeling better soon.

[Margm]

Karen, my kids are so good to me, but you get to where there should be a happy medium.  I remember my grandmother, who had six living children and at least 12 grandchildren.  We would not let her stay alone.  One of the girls would stay week nights, we would stay week ends.  I would always wake up on the week ends with that high tenor voice of hers singing "I come to the garden" and frying our toast.  I had never heard of frying toast.  I have since done this and we love it fried in melted butter.  But, now I know she needed some time alone to grieve.  Of course, none of us understood.  Now, most of us understand.  

Kathy, I have to sometimes explain to my sister, but my son and daughter understand.  I know yours will too.  When is a good time?  I think only you can tell that.  I hope they understand.  But, first off, you have to take care of you.  I got angry because a friend, who has been through this, she said now I would have time to find myself.  Maybe so, I hope when I find myself I like me better than I do right now.  Hang in there girl.  We all have this.

[Patty65]

Hi Kathy,

My mode of communication is writing.  I can take my time and express myself, and my feelings, so much better than speaking - it gets all jumbled and I end up trying to make the other person feel better, and I don't sometimes honor what I need. I will be in your shoes soon actually... my sister, daughter and parents want me to go back East this June so I have family around sooner than later, I have no family here. It will be around the 4 month mark. I would love to see them, but even the thought right now of getting on a plane alone, with all the memories of our last trip back East at Christmas when my Ron got so sick and it was the start of it all, I know I can't and don't want to do it, I start to cry just thinking about it. Not to mention all the good trips and plans we had.  Or the impossibility of leaving the business. Anyway, I will write my sister and daughter an email, and explain.  I will let them know how I am and how I am feeling, and how I wish I was up for being there, but to spare my elderly parents the details.  They will understand, and even if they didn't, I am honoring my needs... Ron taught me to do that, and so I'm honoring him, and that will help me too.

Patty

[kath48]

To my wonderful support group:

You guys make me so grateful that I found you among all the websites that our hospice people gave me.  I have been sitting here reading your posts with tears just running down my face.  Thank you so much for replying back and providing a lifeline for me.

Karen, you mentioned that you expected that Ron would recover, because that's what he had done before, time after time.  That's what Julius was supposed to do this time......he was supposed to go into the hospital because he wasn't feeling good, stay for two weeks for a good clean out of his lungs with strong IV antibiotics, and then get discharged.  That's what he was supposed to do.............get discharged.  And then we would go home and love being together until the next time he had to go in, and so on, and so on.  He wasn't supposed to get so sick that he weighed 70 lbs. when he died.  This is just a nightmare that I'll wake up from and see him grinning and laughing at MASH on his computer.  

My heart is breaking, but I know one thing now.  I'm not alone.

[Gwenivere]

Kath, everyone said about everything I could.  We are a family here with open hearts and arms to those that come here.  None of us want to be here and hate seeing someone else have to join the ranks.  But I thank Marty for providing a place we can come and know we aren't alone or going crazy.

One thing that struck me about your symptoms was they also sound like anxiety or panic.  You are on overload and that is so very common.  You only have so much energy now after all you have been thru as a caregiver.  I spent 5 years as one and when that is over, we are more exhausted than we ever knew.  You are also facing the loss of a 'job' and on your own.  It's overwhelming.  Some do a lot during the shock, others are paralyzed.  You have to go with what your mind and body tell you.  Doing otherwise will just cause more stress.  

One thing we have all learned is to put ourselves first right now.  People will or won't understand, but we are the ones that have to live this life altering event.  If there is one thing you have ahead of you is time.   Please don't push yourself.

[KATPILOT]

Kath I too am so sorry for your loss and yes you found the best place on earth to come. So many of us have come through the beginning of grief and the advice you have been given is so very correct. Take care of yourself first. For now that is the most important thing. And, yes you are not alone. There are many of us in this lifeboat.

[KATPILOT]

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

 

It may be harder for our children to accept what grief does to us. After all, you are the "Mom" and can handle anything. Just be truthful and admit you are not up to a trip right now.

This is truly good advice.

[Margm]

6 hours ago, kath48 said:

My heart is breaking, but I know one thing now.  I'm not alone.

And, that said volumes just in that one sentence.  That is how we all feel.  Sometimes words do not come easy, sometimes my "run on" fingers just cannot stop.  This is a wonderful place, no denying that, and it is for everyone on here, who really do not want to be here.  

[kayc]

Kath,

Welcome to this site, although I am sorry for the loss that brings you here.  Knowing our loved one has physical problems doesn't begin to prepare us for the loss of them because there's no way we can know ahead of time what that will be like.  I always thought I was strong...until I went through this and then I saw me go to pieces.   I am strong, but it took a long while for the strength to come out, or maybe it just overtaxed my grit...this was the most knock-down thing I've ever been through.  My husband had just turned 51 the week he died and it was a shock, I thought we'd have years left together!

Right now it's so important to take care of YOU and that means listening to your inner self, even if it doesn't make sense to you, it'll tell you what you can and can't do just yet.  It's likely too soon for you to do something so big on your own, it'll happen, just give it time.  Yes, it's good to go to the doctor, make sure to eat healthy, drink plenty of fluids, get exercise, even when you don't have the desire because it'll help you cope with your loss and we need all the help we can get.

I hope you continue to come here and post, it helps to get it out and know you're heard.

[brat#2]

Kath - I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have to be here.  Everyone has pretty much said everything there is to say, you need to do what is right for you.  I know how you are feeling about traveling alone, 3 months after my husband died, my brother flew me to his vacation home to spend time with them.  I know that is a little longer than your time frame, but I was still very anxious and scared to travel and fly by myself, never have done that before.  Yes, I felt physically sick and very emotional, but I'm glad I did it, but I don't think I could have just a month out.  Again, you need to do what feels right to you and what makes you comfortable.  I'm glad you found this site, there are very caring and wonderful people here and it is a life safer knowing you are not alone.

Joyce

 

[kath48]

Hi guys,

Well, Karen, you are so right when you said that it's very hard for children to understand what we're going through.  Last night, I finally told my son, Jason, that I just couldn't make it to see the twins quite yet.  And he bluntly told me that this feels like a direct insult to him and his family.  What makes it worse is that my first husband, Jason's dad, hasn't been to see the twins yet either, and so obviously, Jason is very hurt.  If you knew me, you would know that I'm a very caring mother and grandmother, and I was somewhat sure that he would understand.  In fact, before I called him, I called my daughter, Jenny, to talk about this.  I told her that I was afraid of hurting Jason's feelings or making him angry, and her response was, "Mom, you can't put that on Jason's shoulders.  He has never shown that he would be anything less than understanding, and so you need to trust that he'll understand about this too."  Well, we were both wrong.

So what I'm considering is getting a doctor's appt and getting put on anti-anxiety medication and then going ahead with the trip.  What do you think?

[Margm]

Kathy, I have tried to answer this but always delete it before sending it.  I just feel so ill equipped to answer or help.  I do know that family dynamics in my life are really driving me to a real break and I don't know which way I am going to fall.  I do know since it was not your son's dad, he cannot understand.  The reason I have deleted my answers is because I have no answers for my own family problems and am so inept at helping anyone else.  When I met my great granddaughter for the first time all I could think was "why now, Billy would have loved to meet her and you could have brought her, why now?"  I did not say this.  I will tell you that my heart is frozen solid sometimes and I cannot communicate with family members like THEY want me to.  My solution is to run and hide, but that is no solution, my family won't let me hide.  I think you are in the same fix I am in.  We have to face these problems and still try to take care of ourselves.  I have no solutions, I just wanted you to know I commiserate with your problem.  How can I help someone else when I cannot help myself.  But, I do understand where your son is coming from and know it would be different if it was his father you were mourning.  He has two children he wants to show off and he cannot understand why everyone is not as excited as he is.  And we cannot understand why people won't just let us be.....just for a little while.  I am pulled in four different directions at once.  I know how you feel, but have no answers.  Except the anti-anxiety drug.  Some people say "no."  I say "yes" and believe it has saved me.  I do meditation through my earbuds at night, I do not know if it sinks in.  Lot smarter people on here that are further along than we are, but am sure they can help.

I just reread this and only repeat myself over and over.  I can only tell you my heart is with you.  

[KarenK]

Kath,

I'm so sorry that your son reacted this way. You do not need the extra pain that I'm sure this caused you. Perhaps in time, he will come to realize this.

Many here have taken/are taking anti-anxiety meds. I do not think the effects are immediate. They take a few weeks to get the desired effect. Personally for me, none of the ones I have tried worked to relieve the anxiety, just made me feel worse. Perhaps others here that have successful results can offer some suggestions on those meds.

Try to make whatever decision YOU are most comfortable with.

[Margm]

Karen, the effects are almost immediate.  Certainly within the hour.  Antidepressants do not act immediately.  Lots of side effects with antidepressants. Do not mean to sound like an expert, but this is my experience.  They might make you sleepy at first.  I do take one at night to sleep.  Ambien only lasted me two hours so I did not pursue it.  Tylenol PM is pretty good too.  But, during the day when I feel like a panic attack is coming on, they do stop them.  I never knew a true panic attack until I had cancer and I did leave a full buggy of food behind in the checkout line.  Was going to a psych doc at the time, quite a few years going to one.  Did not have them again until after Billy passed.  They do not come on as often now.  

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

 Ambien only lasted me two hours so I did not pursue it. 

Probably a good thing, Marg. Ambien can potentially have some crazy side effects. People have been known to get in their car and drive somewhere or do something bizarre then wake up and have no memory of it.

There are better choices IMO.

[Margm]

2 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

There are better choices IMO.

Tylenol PM is a good choice.  I did not take a full prescription of Ambien.  I took it a couple of nights.  No luck with it.

[Gin]

well Gwen, my place is not that clean and I still do not like being here without Al.  We spent a lot of time at home, especially the last year when he got so weak.  I do not know the answer, if there even is an answer.  I have gone to places that Al and I used to frequent and I am always uncomfortable.  Kind of stinks when you do not want to be out and about, but you do not want to be home, either.

gin

[kayc]

I know they always tell you to allow up to a month for full effects, but when I went on mine it was almost immediate.  I wouldn't recommend one way or another though because that's a decision only you and a doctor can make.  I am sorry your son doesn't understand, but short of losing his wife, he's not likely to, and we would never wish that!  I am just so sorry you're in this situation.  Any decisions right now can feel overwhelming.  Just know you have our full support no matter what you decide, we understand.

[Patty65]

Hi Kath,

I believe you will make the decision that you need to with that.  I just wanted to say, though... would your son be insulted if you said you were unable to come because you just had heart surgery?   Because the way we all feel  -- it kind of feels like that.  Our hearts have been ripped out.  This kind of grief is so impossible to understand unless you are in it.  I would have never ever known this could even exist this bad, it still doesn't even feel survivable. Like I've been treading water forever it seems, no land in sight, and any minute a wave is going to take me over and I'll be gone.  I just wish there was a way for you to be able to not go since you are not feeling up to it, and have him not be insulted - to have him understand.  Any way your daughter could talk to him?  Mostly, I hope you find a way to be as gentle on yourself as possible, you've been through enough, no matter what your decision.

Patty

[MartyT]

I really like your analogy, Patty, about the heart surgery. We just do not equate an emotional, heartbreaking injury that we cannot see with a physical one, do we?

Kath, I am so sorry that your son is reacting this way, especially since it seems as if your daughter "gets it." I also like Patty's suggestion about asking your daughter to talk to your son on your behalf. I know that in the end, you must decide what is best, but as a mother myself, I also know how hard it is to put your own needs ahead of your child's. Add to that how hard it is to take good care of yourself when you are drowning in grief. I'm just so sorry that you find yourself in this dilemma.

What if instead of getting an anti-anxiety agent from your doctor, you could get a note from him saying that your traveling now would be against his medical advice? Would that be enough to convince your son that you must postpone this trip, for the sake of your own well-being? Perhaps your doctor could be your best ally in this situation. When you feel powerless in a situation, I am all for allying yourself with someone else with power, and your doctor just may be that person.

I'm sorry, too, that your son considers your wanting to postpone this visit to be a "direct insult" to him and his family, but that does not mean that he is right in his assessment. There is nothing insulting in what you have told him ~ and the fact that he chooses to see it that way is most unfortunate. I can only imagine how much it hurt you to hear that from him.  

[Gwenivere]

I was going to suggest something like Xanax that could be taken as needed til I read Marty's post which makes even more sense considering you would be forcing yourself into something you are not ready for.  I know my doctor would easily write up something to back me up if needed.  I think Marty really nailed a great solution.  

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Gin said:

 I have gone to places that Al and I used to frequent and I am always uncomfortable.  Kind of stinks when you do not want to be out and about, but you do not want to be home, either.

You're doing better than me!  I haven't been out for a sit down meal since August of 2014.   I don't think I will ever go back to any of our places, not that there were many, but the few we had were great.  But it was more than the food as you know.  I was talking to a guy at the nursing home I work at who said the same thing happened to him.  If he had to socialize,it was ANYWHERE but a place that was dear to them.  I often don't want to be at home, but I want to go out even less.  

[kayc]

I don't recall George and I eating out much.  Not enough to have an "our restaurant".  I guess I'm lucky that way.  With me, the triggers were more about my fixing something that he loved...even today I think about him if I fix certain things.  I think Mitch can probably relate to this as he cooked for Tammy a lot.  Or even if I try something new, I feel sad that George isn't able to try it.  He loved eating so food was a big part of our lives, I loved making him happy.

[mittam99]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

With me, the triggers were more about my fixing something that he loved...even today I think about him if I fix certain things.  I think Mitch can probably relate to this as he cooked for Tammy a lot.  Or even if I try something new, I feel sad that George isn't able to try it.  He loved eating so food was a big part of our lives, I loved making him happy.

So true Kay. Food was definitely one of our pleasures. We did eat out a fair amount when Tammy was able to go. For the most part though, I cooked all our meals. Tammy grew up with her mom's cooking which consisted of "something quick". My mom was a really good cook and dinner was a festive occasion. So, I had a pretty good teacher. As a long time bachelor, I cooked and cleaned and ironed and all that good stuff...

When Tammy came to live with me in Maryland, she tried many foods for the first time. Living in Illinois, she never had crabs or scallops or jumbo shrimp before and she loved them. Believe it or not she had never eaten pistachio nuts or even fresh cherries. She was like a kid in the candy shop and she loved all the "TLC" (her phrase) that I put into my food.

It was true about the TLC. I take a lot of pride in my cooking and each time I make a dish I try to make it as good or better than the last time I made it. Tammy marveled that I didn't use recipes or measure anything. The only time I'd measure is if I was baking (rare) ... you can't "fudge" that. So many times we'd sit down to eat and I'd say, "Tammy, I think this is the best version of ("fill in the blanks") I've ever made.  I probably sounded like a broken record but it did really seem like my best version at the time. Of course, I had a few "not my bests" along the way, too. Tammy always said I should have my own restaurant. One major hurdle though. No money.

Which bring us to my grief journey. It still cook but I don't make full course meals like I used to. It's just not the same. I miss Tammy's eyes lighting up when she ate my risotto or shrimp scampi or manicotti or even my "hamgels". Hamgels were our made up name for a toasted buttered bagel with a fried egg and peppered ham. Kind of a fancy McMuffin. Tammy adored those.

I miss all the holidays when I made a feast for me, Tammy and Katie. I miss Tammy picking up Katie from her karate lessons and the two of them coming home to a "restaurant meal". We had one of those big boards on the fridge and I'd write up "today's special menu" on it. They got a kick out of that. I miss going to our favorite restaurants and holding Tammy's hand while we were waiting for our order.

I just eat now 'cause I need to eat. There's no joy in Mudville.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Same here.  Cooking has lost all its charm.  It's just a necessity now.  Sometimes a chore to get out of the way.  I miss it being a means to enjoyment and experimentation.  I miss his signature dishes too which I haven't had since he left.