How do you mend a broken heart?

[kayc]

A computer whiz should be able to disable the password on the computer so you could use it.  All passwords do is keep ordinary folks out like us!

Hope, I can't even imagine losing my sister, I've lost everyone else it seems, and I know it'll start happening any time and honestly I don't know how I'll live when the time comes.  That you're making effort to live life for her is admirable and I hope you are able to find some meaning in life eventually.  (((hugs)))

[hollowheart]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Hope, I can't even imagine losing my sister,

I couldn't either.

[Gin]

The wounds don't heal!   I live in a big city  and everything is close by.  On my way to the health club (where Al and I used to go) I pass our favorite restaurant, one of the theaters we uses to attend, the grocery stores, church, etc.. I made it today with no tears. Then I saw a woman that had not been there for a while.  She called me over and asked me where my friend was.  I told her my husband died . Then the tears flowed and are still flowing.  Yeah!! Where is he??

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I have his phone, laptop and tablet still plugged in.  I can't really use them much because of disconnected service and the computer I don't have the password for.  I am just not ready to unplug him yet.  My motivation is if hey are disconnected, I should remove them and so much of him is missing already.  The biggest bring him so maybe we need little things that simulate thier existence in some way.  I don't know, I am just stumbling down the path like everyone else.  I can't even put his placemat away.  Tried and the table was too bare.

I know I'm just on this site for my mom, but this spoke to me. Mom passed away almost three months ago now, and I've moved in with my dad and teenaged sister for a bit to bolster our spirits. Dad still has Mom's cell phone out. She's still on the plan; the phone is still active. He never cancelled it. I know I have no place to say anything, so I keep it to myself, but I hope he keeps the phone for a while longer. I like holding it and looking at the messages she sent. The other day I was looking at it and found out that I was the only one out of the six of us kids who had a special ringtone. More evidence that I was totally her favorite! 

I like stuff that she used still being around. I know that she will never use them again, but I have to forget about it for a while when the thought hurts my heart even more. Just looking at that kind of stuff makes it feel like she *could* use it, like she could just stop by and check her messages. I know that makes no sense. She also loved "The Amazing Race" show. She had it set to be recorded on their DirectTV in case she missed it. A few episodes had accumulated and Dad deleted them. They're still recording, though. It makes me think, "Aw, it's like Mom's still here. She could still watch them!" But then part of me says, "She won't watch them. It will just keep adding up." It's just a weird juxtaposition of thoughts. There were other things that Dad discarded pretty soon that made me so sad, but he's the primary one missing her. He's gotta do what he's gotta do. If I'm ever in the position where a husband dies, I'd probably just keep everything the same and stay in denial.

[Margm]

That is so sweet.  Right after Billy passed, my kids started taking things, nothing really valuable, but I surprised myself with my anger, ordering them to not touch anything of his.  I have since relented, and you can see from this forum how each of the remaining mates handles things.  His cell phone I cancelled.  I am not at our house, our son is.  He is fast to tell me "we didn't touch anything of Daddy's."  I kept the phone and I would totally shatter if I heard his voice for real.  I will save all pictures, but I won't look at them yet.  So many things are hammer pounding reminders that he is gone.  You are a good daughter.  I have a good daughter and son and grandchildren too.  They suffered a loss too.  So did you.  Thanks for posting.

[R.Everit55]

I started this thread and have neglected to read and catch up with the conversation.  I'm busy with my son in a rehabilitation center to get back on his feet after his accident, helping care for my two grandsons while my DIL is at the hospital in the NICU with my 11 day old two and a half month premature granddaughter.  I plan on trying to read this thread tonight before bed.  .  Hugs to all 

Butch

[kayc]

Hugs to you too, Butch!  I know this is a really busy time for you.  I hope you have time to read to your grandsons.

The discussion here about changing/canceling things after their death...I couldn't afford to keep George on the cellphone plan with him gone, so my daughter took over his phone.  We kept the plan for years but when we changed it, she still kept the phone number.  We all had to make a lot of changes, maybe sell a vehicle, it was hard.  Each change made felt like our guts were ripped out.  It's all part of the progression through grief and nothing easy about it!

[Guest]

I kept Deedo's phone for several months but when I realized get only calls were junk calls I dropped it. Two days later my daughter called it to hear Mama's voice and was broken-hearted when she got the disconnect message. 

[scba]

I kept his phone, his number and I use it for internet and apps. It was the last thing that he handed me and it is sacred. I hope it doesn't break. I got ride of all,the medical stuff immediately and with rage about them.

[iPraiseHim]

I canceled my wife's emergency phone since she can't use it now.  Her voice is still answering my business phone and my voicemail on my smart phone.  My iPhone 4s has been trying to do an ios (Apple operating system)  update for six months but I don't want to lose the saved voicemail messages my wife left me just shortly before she died.  Apple has wiped out the saved messages in the past.  I need to record the messages and save them somewhere else before I finally do the update.  It is reassuring to hear her lovely sweet voice calling me.  Shalom

 

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, scba said:

I kept his phone, his number and I use it for internet and apps. It was the last thing that he handed me and it is sacred. I hope it doesn't break. I got ride of all,the medical stuff immediately and with rage about them.

I have Steve's phone, but it is for his list of contacts.  No service for calls.  Our answering machine has both of us talking and very hard for me to hear if I am within earshot and it plays.  The 'smart' thing to do is replace it and keep this one for myself as the recording will stay.  But so much of him is missing that even seeing a different machine would be so wrong.  

[Froggie4635]

George,

I found a company online that can record messages from cell phones.  I didn't want to turn off Mark's phone until I could save his voicemail message.  If I can find the email from them, I will get it for you.   I think I paid 9.95 to have his message and it is in my iTunes so I can listen to it anytime I want.  I wish he had created a longer message...

[Froggie4635]

The company was called Save My Voicemail.  You could search online. 

[MyMB]

7 months for me. Mary Beth was always the one that did most of the talking and I liked it like that. We felt the same about almost everything so her opinions were mine too. I keep her robe laid out on her side of the bed don't know why but it's very important to me to see it there and touch it when I roll over. I have both of her phones the old and new one. I keep them charged so I can look at all of the text messages we have sent to each other for years. I'm lucky she never deleted anything. It makes me feel like I'm talking to her again and I can relive those moments. Can you bring a pizza home for supper, have you talked to Brad he's having problems again,bye love you. Like retracing our life in text.She was the rudder on our ship of life. 

My daughter is moving to a new apartment and she needs a dresser, I've decided to give her Mary Beth's. I know it's going to be hard to do.I haven't moved anything in our bedroom. I hope I can do this. My daughter is happy to have something that belonged to her Mom and I know it will be something she will appreciate. I'm trying to be able to function again but when you feel like your half of what you were I guess I shouldn't expect much. One day at a time is what I tell myself.

[MartyT]

22 minutes ago, MyMB said:

She was the rudder on our ship of life. 

I love that image ~ and it's no wonder that you feel adrift  ♥

[Froggie4635]

Dear MyMB,

I completely understand the rudder symbolism.  I was completely okay with letting what Mark wanted to do be the guiding force.  He, of course, would do anything I asked, or take us anywhere I wanted to go.  But I was happy to go along with his plans.  I was content with our life.  There was no leader or follower; we were a team.  I bet Mark would say if he was the rudder, then I was the wind that kept us going along.  I got a little panicked this weekend.  I had found a company that could record his outgoing voicemail message.  Well, when I went to my iTunes library to listen to it, it said it couldn't be found.  I freaked out.  It was listed there, but I think when the system did an upgrade, something got messed up.  I did a file search and found it saved in a folder some place else.  After I listened to it, I cried.  I find myself now trying to hold on to things.  I have been trying to get my brother-in-laws to do me the favor of moving Mark's piano from his mom's house to ours.  When I visit her house, and the grandkids go in and begin banging on the keys, I get upset.  She won't tell them not to touch it.  I may have to end up hiring a piano mover to go and get it.

I am sure your daughter will cherish the dresser.  I have the bedroom set that belonged to my grandmother, and it is very special to me. 

Maryann

 

[brat#2]

MyMB and Maryann - I'm the same way, I haven't been able to give any of Dale's stuff to anyone.  I know he would like certain people to have certain things, but I just can't do it.  I may never be able to.  I like looking at them and it gives me comfort and makes me feel more like "home" with all of his, mind and our stuff in it.  I know it's just things, but they were his.  I guess I will make a list someday of the items and who they should go to, so when I'm gone, people will get the things he wanted them to have.

We were pretty much the same way, that neither us really was the guiding force, we did what we both wanted together and it was usually the same thing.  I miss that.

Joyce

[Froggie4635]

Dear Joyce...

Can relate on all levels.  There are some things I have that I have been trying to give to his nieces and nephews...at least to those who remember cool Uncle Mark.  I did some straightening up in his bathroom, and put all his colognes in a basket that hangs on the wall.  I need to put some of it on his pillow shirt again.  I sleep with that every night, making sure it is buttoned up and hugging it like it were him.

Maryann

[brat#2]

Maryann - I sleep with his pillows and do the same thing, hug them.

Joyce

[hollowheart]

On 3/11/2016 at 0:55 AM, Gwenivere said:

I have Steve's phone, but it is for his list of contacts.  No service for calls.  Our answering machine has both of us talking and very hard for me to hear if I am within earshot and it plays.  The 'smart' thing to do is replace it and keep this one for myself as the recording will stay.  But so much of him is missing that even seeing a different machine would be so wrong.  

These are the exhausting things that make me even more tired and angry. Who wants to go and buy another answering machine, hook it up, record a message, especially when you think about why you are doing it?

My mom asked me if I was going to take my sisters computer, it's newer than mine. I don't even want to think about spending all that time in her office unhooking, and rehooking it up in my room. Not to mention all her stuff will be on the computer. I know something will have to be done with the computer, but it's just so completely exhausting how losing someone is. It doesn't stop with them dying.

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

On 3/10/2016 at 3:12 PM, Marg M said:

That is so sweet.  Right after Billy passed, my kids started taking things, nothing really valuable, but I surprised myself with my anger, ordering them to not touch anything of his.  I have since relented, and you can see from this forum how each of the remaining mates handles things.  His cell phone I cancelled.  I am not at our house, our son is.  He is fast to tell me "we didn't touch anything of Daddy's."  I kept the phone and I would totally shatter if I heard his voice for real.  I will save all pictures, but I won't look at them yet.  So many things are hammer pounding reminders that he is gone.  You are a good daughter.  I have a good daughter and son and grandchildren too.  They suffered a loss too.  So did you.  Thanks for posting.

My dad had a moment of being kind of frustrated, too. Mom liked to paint and thought she was awful at it. I loved her little paintings and had one of a rabbit and one of a chipmunk in my room when I was a kid. When I went off to college, I returned them to her because I didn't where I would put them and wanted them to be safe. After she died, I started thinking about those and I found a box in the storage area filled with her paintings. The two of them were in there, I snagged them, and I brought the box up. There were a bunch more in there and my younger brother and sister grabbed a couple, too. Dad got a little flustered and said, "What if I want them?!" He didn't get *mad* really, but I felt bad.

Mom knew she was living on borrowed time, so she gave away a lot of her stuff, especially old family stuff, before she passed. Dad said she wanted me to have her wedding ring, but he wants to keep it until he dies. No problem there! I'm just holding the stuff she gave me when I was a kid and in the year or two before she died close to my heart. I don't want to hurt my dad's feelings. He actually did ask me to make a list of what I want when he's gone before he asks for my brothers' lists and my sister's because he says he knows it will mean the most to me and I'm more likely to keep things than my siblings. Mom and I are/were both super sentimental and keep/kept a lot of weird things that remind us of people or things that have happened. Anything I'd get that was hers, even if it was pair of winter gloves, I'd keep it!

I don't know if this is weird, but my dad had my sister and me go through Mom's clothes and bags before he took her clothes to a thrift store. Mom was a fair bit taller than me, a fair bit shorter than my sister, and had a completely different build than both of us, so we split her bags and scarves. We're a big Oakland A's family and she had gotten a breast cancer awareness scarf at a game about two years before she was diagnosed with it herself. We gave that one to Dad because Mom had saved one for me at the game since I didn't go and my sister already had one.

ANYWAY, I'm yammering. I looked into one of the bags I'd taken and discovered that it was the one she had used most recently. Her release from her last chemo treatment, a notebook with Christmas ideas, and a crossword puzzle book were in there. She ALWAYS had a crossword puzzle book ready to go. Apart from throwing away tissues, I kept everything else in there and I just look through it sometimes. I kind of feel like I'll always keep it like that, just looking in and being reminded of Mom stuff and when she was out and about and running errands. I'm probably a weirdo! Did any of you keep really strange things like that?

[Margm]

@Daughter:  I think your mom and dad raised some very thoughtful and caring children.  My heart goes out to your dad, but it sounds like you and your siblings have his back.  My daughter wanted a painting she had given Billy and I would not let them touch anything.  They handled me like the crazy grieving mama that I was.  Then I felt bad and was going to take it off the wall and it was gone.  My son found it in a stack I had set aside for her.  I did not remember taking it off the wall.  That is something else you have to look over, our memory.  I have already said when I got home the first of March was the most beautiful bedspread and shams of red and purple.  It was me.  Only I cannot remember buying it.  I wonder if I can so completely forget something so little, then why can't I block out bad things.  Anyhow, I already know your dad has the best of support, and my kids are wonderful too.  Sometimes I am a witch but they hang with me.  Your a wonderful daughter.  I know your mom is proud.    

[brat#2]

Daughter - no you are not a weirdo!  I still have letters that my mom and dad wrote to each other when they were separated while they were dating back from 1942.  My mom passed away in 1976 and I still have all her jewelry, some scarves, cards and the same for my dad who passed away in 1987.  I get them out once in awhile and look at them and it brings me closer to them, so keep them as long as you want to, that doesn't make you weird (or if it does, then I am too!!).

Joyce

[kayc]

Margaret, there is much I don't remember about that time, I'm sure!

Daughter, you only wanted a childhood remembrance, nothing wrong with that!  I think your dad saw all of you collectively taking things of hers, not the individual paintings you wanted from your childhood...and even then he offered you and your sister her clothes and accessories, so he must have been okay with parting with some things by then.

[Froggie4635]

Sitting in my cubicle at work, I was overhearing the HR person going over paperwork for a new hire. She is a young woman, and they began discussing personal things.  The new woman noticed the engagement ring on the hand of the HR person.  This led to a conversation over marriage and weddings and engagement.  I am trying not to be over sensitive to these conversations...but as I see photos of my husband floating by on my screensaver, my heart hurts so much.  All those thoughts and memories of our wedding day....and now all the things we won't be able to do; our future as man and wife no longer exists; only in my heart.  How very quickly your mood can change by just a few casual conversations.