How do you mend a broken heart?

[R.Everit55]

The 9th.  14 months gone without my bride.  It hurts my mind my heart my body my spirit.  I literally feel sick.  When will it ever feel better...  It seems impossible to live without my bride my princess my soulmate my beauty my joy half of my heart.  I can't mend it at all. . 

[iPraiseHim]

In one week will be 13 months for me.  I have no answers.  I just empathize with you and feel your pain. 

I thought I would somehow manage or learn to live with it but it is beyond my capacity of reasoning. Last weekend through Monday was the pits then suddenly the cloud lifted somewhat curiously Monday afternoon.  I worked yesterday and was okay.  Today, I was off work and couldn't motivate myself to do anything. 

I guess it is just going to take a long time for my heart to accept the fact that my wife is gone from this physical world.  Everything good, right, and whole was torn asunder when my wife died.  My half-life now is a glimpse of what used to be a blessed and content life. 

Despite all of this, my faith in God assures me that all of this will somehow work out for good.  Even when  I see no evidence of it yet.  New mercies comes each morning.  I have so much to be grateful for but that still doesn't cancel out the grief I feel .  Your are in my prayers and thoughts R.Everrit.  Shalom

[R.Everit55]

We are feeling the same things.  And we lost our beloved brides within a month of each other.  

Blessings

Butch

[kayc]

Just my opinion, it takes a very long time to learn to live without them.  You never like it though.

[KarenK]

Butch and George,

I think perhaps you can put a bandaid over the hole in your heart, but bandaids are funny things. They come off when you least expect it.

The anguish lessens a bit over time. Someday perhaps we will learn to live without the one who lives in our soul. As Kay said, we still won't like it.

Peace

[Froggie4635]

Dear Butch and George,

I am just a month or two ahead, and I must say that I still feel the way you both do.  I always have the best of intentions of doing things when I have down time, but motivation still eludes me.  I try and drown out the word "lazy"...I am forever hard on myself.  I started another writing course, with daily prompts.  It is something to try and motivate me. I don't really know where to start with some tasks; I look around and it is overwhelming.  Going to work every day is as big a task as I can muster.  I follow your stories, and see your struggles and I feel for you. The fact that we get up each day and move forward a little shows we still have that drive inside.  

[hollowheart]

How to heal a broken heart is a good question. I was feeling so depressed yesterday. I woke up around 3am this morning and just wanted to cry into my pillow.

My question is how do you have fun again? How do you find it? I get fleeting fun with my TV shows, but yesterday was just so hard for some reason. I talk to my therapist about how frustrated I get with my Mom and just not having anyone to do anything with and she suggested I join some groups that like to do what I do, like a group of people that like Star Wars or Museums. That is a good idea in theory, but I have done that before and I did make a few friends but what I realized is that even over a couple of years, we never became close enough to do much outside of the regular meet ups. And I think about how long it could take to make close friends in the first place. Not to mention, the meet ups can be awkward and not always convenient. People may not always want to do what I want. It mostly just makes me long for what I used to have, which is defeating the point.

I'm just so tired of trying to figure out how to be happy again.

[Froggie4635]

I've never been a real social person.  I went out when I was younger, but I have become such a homebody.  Mark and I didn't do much beyond family things.  Occasionally there would be someone come to town that we wanted to see.  I got us tickets to go see Gabriel Iglacias.  I didn't like going to movies and Houston weather is too hot most of the year for too many outdoor things.  I don't do well with large crowds now, or large group meetings.  I really simply shut down.  Can't keep up with all the quick moving conversations.  I guess I don't have that urge to get out in the world because I wasn't a get out in the world person.  Always found my happiness in my little piece of the world.  It is harder now without Mark.  I was happy just sitting and watching television with him.  Now I sit in the evening on my Kindle playing solitaire.  My brain is too tired from working during the day and wearing my "mask" and keeping on my tasks. My best friend comes over every other weekend and it is nice to have the company, but it is tiring to socialize, too.  At least I know when she is there, if I get hit with a wave of grief, she will be there until it passes. It is hard when the one person who was our social life is gone.  It is really like beginning again and making those connections is hard when our heart is broken.

[enna]

I am almost 46 months into this exhausting life of living without my Jim. I think we do it one step at a time. There are good days and not so good days. Some days you feel like staying in bed and other days you find the strength to get up and start over again. It is a choice. Life continues on for those of us left behind. We continue to live because we are still breathing.

Each one of us is walking his/her own path and as I read the posts here I gain strength because of those who don’t give up in spite of all the obstacles. I truly believe that we help to heal one another. I walk with both sadness and gratitude. I will always be sad that Jim is not with me physically yet I am forever grateful that he was in my life. I cherish the memories and at the same time miss his physical presence. I think happiness is within ourselves. 

Anne 

[scba]

Dear HH, I was given the same advise and I did nothing because at this point I feel no will to meet new people, I stick closely to the ones I know. I cannot socialize with strangers as I did before. I don't want to make life questions because I don't want to answer back. In this I feel a liar cause I reply with lies or I evade politely the answer. This way of behaving was very acute in the first months. I know this attitude is doing no good not me but I can't help it. Moreover, I am scared that the day will arrive for a guy who will try to get to know me. This terrifies me, just the thought that I am on some sort of single market again against my will. Seems that more complicated situations are laying ahead and I am scared cause I have no clue of what expects me after 1 year and 6 months. Without my boyfriend I don't feel safe.

[hollowheart]

21 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

 Always found my happiness in my little piece of the world.  It is harder now without Mark.  I was happy just sitting and watching television with him.  Now I sit in the evening on my Kindle playing solitaire.  My brain is too tired from working during the day and wearing my "mask" and keeping on my tasks...  It is hard when the one person who was our social life is gone.  It is really like beginning again and making those connections is hard when our heart is broken.

This. Exactly. I found happiness in my little piece of the world with my sister because we were very close and enjoyed 95% of the same things. It was very comfortable being with her, obviously. I would say I was a semi social person. I was 80% homebody, 20% social. For me, if the social activity would be very inconvenient, or just something I wasn't interested in I could skip it and be happy. I didn't NEED to go out, but would enjoy it when I did and felt up for it.

My sister and I went out every weekend for fun and to run errands. So the weekends to me was always something to look forward to and a pick me up from the week, especially if it was a bad or long week. Now, it's nothing to look forward to at all, the weekends are just like the weekdays to me, and some weekends it REALLY gets to me mentally, I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. I'm not used to just nothing on the weekends. Everyone looks forward to the weekend, now I don't. What is life with nothing to look forward too? Not even the weekend?

27 minutes ago, scba said:

Dear HH, I was given the same advise and I did nothing because at this point I feel no will to meet new people, I stick closely to the ones I know. I cannot socialize with strangers as I did before.

I dont' want to do those social groups either. I'm not being stubborn, I know my therapist says "when you feel up to it" but like you, I have no will to meet new people either. Most of my friends have fell off the earth, so I'm alone, social wise. The only way I could socialize with strangers before was because I knew they weren't my only social outlet. If it wasn't working for me, I would just continue to hang with my sis like I always did.

Now there is a sort of desperation for friendships and I hate that feeling. It was just me and my sister, so I only needed ONE person to feel right at home. Now I don't even have one person. I did a meet up, and the people were nice, but we had nothing in common and we would never have become friends. It does take time and effort to make friends. But my sadness and misery is tiring and I don't want to give time and effort to it. A catch 22.

[brat#2]

Today it is 8 months for me and your are right, it still hurts my heart, my mind and a lot of times I fell sick.  It's hard to believe that I will never physically see him again, feel his touch, hear his voice, his laugh, have him tease me, feel safe, see his beautiful eyes looking at me, it's so hard.  I'm grateful for him being in my life for 33 years, but so hurt and ungrateful that he is not here anymore.

We were not very social either, we were in the beginning of our marriage, but as time went on, we realized that we just wanted to be with each other.  I have no desire to meet new people, even though most of the "friends" we had are left too.  He was the outgoing one, I was always kind of shy and now that he's gone I've gotten even worse, so it is really hard for me to venture out and meet new people and try to make new friends.

I wish I had answers for all of us that could help us get through the pain and move on, but all I can offer is to listen and give you hugs.

Joyce 

[scba]

I think that these are difficult things to achieve in this journey: socialize, find motivation, do the things we enjoyed together or even alone, but with our loved ones cheering for us and caring about. I did many things without my BF. I travelled, visited museums, attended bakery courses, organized trips with friends. Because of his health issues he couldn't join me but he was happy to hear all about it, he cared if I was doing ok, he even pushed me to go out and leave him alone so as not to become his mum or his nurse. I had this mixed feeling of being sad to leave him at home but I felt that it was ok because he showed me it was. Writing this I cannot believe I lost him, such a caring, loving and understanding man!

In my selfish moments I want all of it back, but this implies that it includes my BF being sick and I feel sad feeling this way, wanting him in spite of. I will never understand destiny and the things that didn't happen but could have happened to restore his health. But I don't want to go to that place because I will find nothing, just plain silence.

[Margm]

It has only been four months for me.  I have lots of family, plenty of friends (all friends allowing me my space), and I am not ready to be social yet.  I was loading my truck at the Arkansas house, and my sister widow neighbor thought I was moving and was distressed.  But, she had recommended that I go back home.  I will do all of this in April.  Billy and I, as a couple, were not social.  We could go for hours without much conversation, just knowing the other was there, that was as social as we got.  He was me, I was him, to quote him.  If that was true, I guess we still are one, and I have to remember that.  As I said, I am not ready to be social.  If I am allowed the time, church will be my first "outing." Lots of responsibilities yet.  I hope I am up for the chore.  Lots of family doctor's appointments and procedures this month, (none mine) so flooded Louisiana is "home."  I keep being reminded of a character ??? Frogman Henry singing "Ain't got no home, no place to roam, I'm a lonely frog, ain't got no home."  Watching news on TV, actually with all this flooding, worse in news reporting times, I am fortunate to be in a dry place.

[hollowheart]

scba, knowing that he was there when you would get back gave you piece of mind.  It's a big difference when you want to go out alone and when you have to go out alone.  I would do all the same things you did alone if my sister wouldn't be interested, but I was interested enough to do it by myself. Most of the time I'd forget it because I wanted company, but I knew she would be there the next time I wanted to go out.

I always say it's selfish to want her back, but I think now is it really selfish? Why should it be selfish to want a loved one here with you? Because my sister had gotten pretty bad, my mom thinks had we called 911 she still might have had some problems later. I know she would have hated to be crippled or  lacking quality of life and I would have hated to see her that way. So, I guess I see what you mean.  I still want her back, no matter what.

Marg, I liked what you said about going for hours without much conversation. We'd do the same. It was her presence that felt nice. It was comfortable knowing she was around and knowing someone was around that I wanted to be around. I hate I will never find that comfort again.

[scba]

dear HH, it is very difficult to deal with the "what if they would have been saved". In my story, my BF would have spent his life with machines helping him to function (like dyalisis) and my reason tells me it wouldn't have been fair at all. But my heart says the opposite. He was young a deserved a better life cause he fought for it till the very end and against all odds. But at the same time, he didn't deserve to be sick at all! You see, it is like going around in circles and yet it has happened. I have to learn to let this go away.

[hollowheart]

2 hours ago, scba said:

You see, it is like going around in circles and yet it has happened. I have to learn to let this go away.

I have some decent days where I feel like I'm on that path of living with it better. I don't think these feelings of anger, regret and 'what if?' will go away. I will go back to that until I die because of how she passed away. I had a hand in it because I didn't help. It should have been me. She would never have done what we did.

 

[Gin]

I joined a knitting club and went once.  It seemed like a good idea then.  The people are all very nice, but I just did not fit in.  They talk about their families, husbands and things they are doing.  I have none of that and I do not do anything anymore.  I do not think that they would be fascinated to know that I finally did some laundry and dishes.  For me those are big deals, now.  I was supposed to go today and I found all sorts of excuses why I just could not.  Maybe I could tell them that after 5 months I finally sat in the loveseat where Al and I sat every night.  I used to knit and he would play his mandolin.  Then watch TV.  It is just so hard.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, scba said:

In my selfish moments I want all of it back, but this implies that it includes my BF being sick and I feel sad feeling this way, wanting him in spite of. I will never understand destiny and the things that didn't happen but could have happened to restore his health. But I don't want to go to that place because I will find nothing, just plain silence.

When I find myself in that place, which is every waking minute, it is not that I want him back as he was in his suffering.  I want him back hale and hearty.  That is my fantasy.  I want our life back that made it so special and caring was us, not caregiving.  There are times the cancer relented a bit, but it was always hovering.  The time I want back is when it was him, me and our furry kids just living life as it came.  It was never boring and just rolled along because the fit was perfect.

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

I joined a knitting club and went once.  It seemed like a good idea then.  The people are all very nice, but I just did not fit in.  They talk about their families, husbands and things they are doing.  I have none of that and I do not do anything anymore.  I do not think that they would be fascinated to know that I finally did some laundry and dishes.  For me those are big deals, now.

Gin, you crack me up. You word things the way I do sometimes, lol. But I agree with you totally. I don't do anything anymore either. I used to be like "my sister and I...." now there's nothing. No kids, no husband, no boyfriend, no social life. It would really be awkward with people I don't know and I can't blurt right out I'm still in mourning.

Even when my sister was alive it was still kinda awkward because I still didn't do that much or have much to add, but I guess you can say it was easier to handle when I wasn't depressed and miserable. Also, caring about others fun would be a real struggle.

[Gin]

Just noticed again that the monitor recording Al's pacemaker/defibrilator device is still plugged in and lit up.  Anyone think it is time to remove it?  I wonder what signals they are getting.  Maybe I am pretending that he is still here and everything is normal?

 

[kayc]

George was the social one, I relied on him to make friends for us and come up with the fun ideas.  I guess that's why my life can be sort of lonely or boring now.

[Hope Lowe]

I asked myself the same questions many times in the beginning, I finally come to a conclusion that a heart broken into thousands of pieces can never be mended.

It is almost seven months since my younger sister took up her residence with our Lord, I have to learn how to live with a broken heart to honor my sister.  Am I doing a good job of it? By all means no.  I struggle every day with the intense yearning for my sister and wailing is my second name now.   All of the kind people tell me the pain will lessen in the long run, the most critical thing is to avoid  giving myself a set schedule to reach a certain milestone.

I keep on falling down in this painful journey but I  pick myself up again.  My purpose in life is to live my sister's life, a beautiful and benevolent life  unmercifully cut short, for her.

May you find ways to deal with this immense grief.

God Bless,

 

[KarenK]

Gin,

I had to chuckle at your comments about laundry and dishes. I joined a widows over 50 group and a solo seniors group. My mundane life couldn't compete with their trips and adventures and I felt out of place. The widows had all lost their spouses many years ago and never even spoke of them. The seniors group is very active socially. I didn't feel I had much in common with either group. Don't really drink and couldn't afford all the restaurants. Although I am lonely, I think I am better off alone. My dog and I watch a lot of TV and she doesn't hog the remote.  LOL

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Gin said:

They talk about their families, husbands and things they are doing.  I have none of that and I do not do anything anymore.  I do not think that they would be fascinated to know that I finally did some laundry and dishes.  For me those are big deals, 

I know what you mean, Gin.  I find the things that are great accomplishments now greeted as.....really?  That is such a simple thing.  Well, it was at one time.  Thier major victories to me now.

3 hours ago, Gin said:

Just noticed again that the monitor recording Al's pacemaker/defibrilator device is still plugged in and lit up.  Anyone think it is time to remove it?  I wonder what signals they are getting.  Maybe I am pretending that he is still here and everything is normal?

That's such a personal call.  Are you being billed for it?  I got rid of med things that were not energy consuming.  Only thing I took down was a CPAP.    I have his phone, laptop and tablet still plugged in.  I can't really use them much because of disconnected service and the computer I don't have the password for.  I am just not ready to unplug him yet.  My motivation is if hey are disconnected, I should remove them and so much of him is missing already.  The biggest bring him so maybe we need little things that simulate thier existence in some way.  I don't know, I am just stumbling down the path like everyone else.  I can't even put his placemat away.  Tried and the table was too bare.