WolfsKat Posted April 15, 2016 Report Share Posted April 15, 2016 Came home from work, got on the computer, and logged on to Facebook.....(only way to keep in touch with my kids) and was hit, hard......they list your "memories"......one year ago today, I was with my Connor, at Disneyworld.......of course I remember ....we were like giddy kids that day, enjoying our getaway, enjoying life, and each other.......a beautiful day with no worries, no sadness, no idea of the horrible tragedy that loomed for us in just months......I've been doing (I thought) "OK".....but this brought me to instant uncontrollable grief.........SO very happy, together......a year later.......alone, and no more happiness to have together. no more happy moments to share together..........no more US. Again......I rail at the injustice of it.....this is NOT right, this is NOT fair......all we asked for was the chance to live out our years with each other into old age......we had "paid our dues": in pain in our lives before we met......I think I will go to my grave never accepting that this tearing us apart was ever "right"........I HATE this! Sorry, I wish I could post something cheerful and upbeat and comforting.......but, it seems this hell has no end, at times. I think,we are all........very fragile......easily broken. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted April 15, 2016 Report Share Posted April 15, 2016 I'm so sorry you are being hit with those happy memories and reality. Still, hold close to those memories as our good happy times are really what keeps us all going through unreal and unfair grief. Hugs Butch 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 15, 2016 Report Share Posted April 15, 2016 Kat- It isn't fair, it isn't right, there is not justice. Sadly it just is. Two years ago Deedo and I were planning four different excursions and then two years ago today she had an X-ray and that started the misery. I understand your pain, I feel it daily. You are right we are easily broken and very fragile but slowly I am learning that we are also resilient; I've seen it in you and some days I can see it in me. Facebook, I believe is going to continue to be full of evil triggers as time hop after time hop continues to surface. Warm, caring hugs my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted April 15, 2016 Report Share Posted April 15, 2016 20 minutes ago, WolfsKat said: Sorry, I wish I could post something cheerful and upbeat and comforting.......but, it seems this hell has no end, at times. I think,we are all........very fragile......easily broken. Kat... please don't feel guilty for not feeling upbeat or posting something cheerful today. We all know how amazingly difficult and emotionally draining this grief life is. I know that Disneyland anniversary trigger had to have set off an intense wave of emotions. Sending you a big virtual HUG! And just for good measure here's another (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))). You can never have enough hugs. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted April 15, 2016 Report Share Posted April 15, 2016 There are many people who have posted on different grief sites about those "Memory" posts that show up on Facebook. They do not take into consideration that lives can change drastically in 12 months. I had one of those in my face a little while back, and I too, broke down and had all sorts of emotions coming out. Never did find out if there is a way to discontinue yourself from those flashback reminders. It just proves the fact that society doesn't give a lot of thought to those who grieve. I am sorry, Kat for the insensitivity. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted April 15, 2016 Report Share Posted April 15, 2016 37 minutes ago, WolfsKat said: I think I will go to my grave never accepting that this tearing us apart was ever "right"........I HATE this! Sorry, I wish I could post something cheerful and upbeat and comforting.......but, it seems this hell has no end, at times. I think,we are all........very fragile......easily broken. I'm sorry you got sideswiped with pain. Facebook is especially good for that with the memories, I forgot they do that. It was fine 'before' but I can't fault them. That's what Facebook is for. I had to abandon it because of my friends happy lives. Don't need to see it. I hate this life too. And don't worry about not posting anything cheereful. This is exactly the kinds of things this forum should be for. It's not always about hope and light. When you're pissed, be pissed. Today is Friday and my and sister and I would surely be looking forward to the weekend and hanging with each other. I have no sister, friends, no life, nothing. I'm anger, broken and pissed and still cannot believe she is not here with me. This hell we're in is just a circle. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted April 15, 2016 Report Share Posted April 15, 2016 Not to criticize those that enjoy/ed social media, but I am so glad I never kept up the Facebook account Steve set up for me years ago for fun. I had no interest in it, but he did it anyway as he had one and for a time updated it for band updates. The last time I looked at his was because someone told me people posted birthday thoughts about him there. I looked and it was so sad that they didn't send those to me directly. I'm still here, so I was baffled at what was accomplished by doing that. I guess it was for each other to show others thier 'caring', tho I could have used it. but i do know one thing, WK, I absolutely cannot look at his page anymore. Just the reminders of his vitality and life are too painful. It's enough dealing with what's inside this scrambled head of mine. I'm so sorry you got blindsided. If only there were warnings when that is coming. We could at least brace for it. Cheery, upbeat and comforting? Certainly not required here. I'm glad you got out. I think a few of us get it! 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted April 15, 2016 Report Share Posted April 15, 2016 WK - I'm sorry you got hit with that today, unfortunately we never know when a trigger is going to hit. I've been getting hit with them a lot the last couple of days and find myself sobbing. This life does stink and is unfair, but coming here and venting and letting our feelings out to people who understand sure helps. It doesn't matter that we can't be cheerful and upbeat all the time, as this new life is very difficult and every emotion known to man is being felt (sometimes all at the same time). You have HUGS from me too! Joyce 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted April 16, 2016 Report Share Posted April 16, 2016 I've been hit too WK. You can delete it. I don't mean FB, because I keep up with my friends and kids on it also. It hits below the belt. I'm sorry. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted April 16, 2016 Report Share Posted April 16, 2016 Dear KK, I had a similar experience today. I understand and share your words. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted April 16, 2016 Report Share Posted April 16, 2016 Oh can't you turn those off?? I keep getting those too and they just ruin me. Of course, of course you hate it. I just researched how to turn that off... http://www.gadgette.com/2015/10/15/how-to-turn-off-facebook-memories/ 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 16, 2016 Report Share Posted April 16, 2016 FB has sent me "memories" of my mom, whom I lost 8/21/14. It does hit hard, but it also fills me with a good feeling to see pictures of her in her last months. Having your husband pop up after he's been gone a few months would be another thing entirely. You may feel differently in a couple of years...but you may not. Do whatever makes YOU most comfortable right now. If there's a setting you can change to help you, that's an option. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Polly Posted April 16, 2016 Report Share Posted April 16, 2016 Yes, I know how you feel. I had the same thing happen the day of Rich's funeral. That morning I went on fb when I got up. The first thing I saw was.....You have been friends with Rich on fb for 7 years. How weird is that? Brought me to tears instantly. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted April 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 16, 2016 Thank you.....all of you.......doing better today, time to come to grips and settle down emotionally. I'm so very thankful to be able to come here, and let my emotions free..........and receive understanding, and caring.........bless ALL of you!!! NO one in my "real world" would ever understand this grief!!! 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 16, 2016 Report Share Posted April 16, 2016 Kat - Glad you are doing better. Like Marty writes in her book: nothing is permanent. It certainly seems like the bad times are when they have us in their grasps though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted April 16, 2016 Report Share Posted April 16, 2016 @WK: I just checked. We are only about four days apart. I am so sorry..........for you and for me..........and for all of us. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted April 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2016 I appreciate even the "virtual hugs"........in person, I am "tough".....some say stand-offish.........that's my persona, my protection, my insulation in public. In reality,,,,,,,I would LOVE a real, hard, understanding.hug.......just the contact, understanding. ....I think some, if not many of you, will "get" this. I've always been the strong one.....the one others depend on......the "rock". It is so very confusing and dismaying to find that, in my own grief.....I have no one to really look to in terms of emotional support/understanding. My kids very much care, as do my brother/sister/friends.......and I appreciate that......but, I feel as if I have to appear "strong" for their sakes......I've always been the one they can rely on.....not the other way around? The only one who could've understood is my Mom.....and I lost her just 7 months before my Connor passed over.....So, I keep up the façade of being invincible..... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 17, 2016 Report Share Posted April 17, 2016 My mom would understand too, but I lost her to dementia years ago and she passed away 8/21/14 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted April 18, 2016 Report Share Posted April 18, 2016 WK, if you feel up to it, you can start a new Facebook profile and just friend your kids and other family, then you know you will only see those few peoples posts. As much as I loved Facebook, it's very intrusive. I continually get messages if I "know" this person. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Even if I was happy go lucky right now that would still annoy me. I don't need that and I wouldn't want Facebook alerting other people to me being on there. Thanks FB, but I don't need to be friends with everyone I have ever met in my entire life. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted April 20, 2016 Report Share Posted April 20, 2016 On April 17, 2016 at 3:35 PM, WolfsKat said: I appreciate even the "virtual hugs"........in person, I am "tough".....some say stand-offish.........that's my persona, my protection, my insulation in public. In reality,,,,,,,I would LOVE a real, hard, understanding.hug.......just the contact, understanding. ....I think some, if not many of you, will "get" this. I've always been the strong one.....the one others depend on......the "rock". It is so very confusing and dismaying to find that, in my own grief.....I have no one to really look to in terms of emotional support/understanding. My kids very much care, as do my brother/sister/friends.......and I appreciate that......but, I feel as if I have to appear "strong" for their sakes......I've always been the one they can rely on.....not the other way around? The only one who could've understood is my Mom.....and I lost her just 7 months before my Connor passed over.....So, I keep up the façade of being invincible..... Wolfskat: First I feel for you. I also understand. Our family, who we love dearly, really has a hard time seeing the grief. I definitely have that experience. They are so ready for me to get past this and be the happy, content person I used to be. Of course, I would love to be able to do that. It hurts to not be able to right now. I did used to be what would be considered very strong, the one our kids came to with problems and family would talk to to. Now, I guess I've gone into a ditch. I don't know who I am anymore and start feeling hopeless that it will ever get any better. Ten months seems like a long time to be feeling so bad all the time. I hope you get that hug and me too....warmly, Cookie 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted April 20, 2016 Report Share Posted April 20, 2016 On April 16, 2016 at 3:34 PM, Marg M said: @WK: I just checked. We are only about four days apart. I am so sorry..........for you and for me..........and for all of us. Yes, it seems like an eternity.... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted April 20, 2016 Report Share Posted April 20, 2016 On April 15, 2016 at 6:10 PM, Gwenivere said: Not to criticize those that enjoy/ed social media, but I am so glad I never kept up the Facebook account Steve set up for me years ago for fun. I had no interest in it, but he did it anyway as he had one and for a time updated it for band updates. The last time I looked at his was because someone told me people posted birthday thoughts about him there. I looked and it was so sad that they didn't send those to me directly. I'm still here, so I was baffled at what was accomplished by doing that. I guess it was for each other to show others thier 'caring', tho I could have used it. but i do know one thing, WK, I absolutely cannot look at his page anymore. Just the reminders of his vitality and life are too painful. It's enough dealing with what's inside this scrambled head of mine. I'm so sorry you got blindsided. If only there were warnings when that is coming. We could at least brace for it. Cheery, upbeat and comforting? Certainly not required here. I'm glad you got out. I think a few of us get it! I feel the same way about FB now. Used to love to go on, but it all hurts now. I know this sounds terrible, but one thing that hurts is all the connectedness you see other people having with their husbands, etc. But, I guess everything thing hurts some days....Cookie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 20, 2016 Report Share Posted April 20, 2016 Gwen, It would have been good if people had thought of YOU on his birthday as it's a tough day for us. They might feel afraid to bring it up to us, but hey, it's not like they ever leave our minds! People really are clueless about helping the bereaved, and all the more so because what works for one of us is different for another. Hollowheart, Your idea about starting a new FB account for just family is a good one, a way to connect with them w/o getting hit with all the other stuff. It can be a little hard when we see them going on with fun enjoyable lives while we ourselves are alone, broke, and having a tough time of it. Janice, I see that, and I hope it gets easier for you with time. The disparity between their lives and ours can be hard hitting sometimes. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted April 21, 2016 Report Share Posted April 21, 2016 20 hours ago, Cookie said: I feel the same way about FB now. Used to love to go on, but it all hurts now. I know this sounds terrible, but one thing that hurts is all the connectedness you see other people having with their husbands, etc. But, I guess everything thing hurts some days....Cookie The connectedness is definitely what I miss. I used to see some of these people in person, but a lot live in different states. Facebook was fun for me, and I loved posting silly stuff, cool pics, updates about what I was doing or what I did that weekend, just like everyone else. I don't go on anymore, but the couple times I did peek it felt like all that hurt and pain was hitting me all over again. It was like seeing my old life roll by laughing at me, saying this is what you used to have. It makes me feel forgotten. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted April 21, 2016 Report Share Posted April 21, 2016 Sharing an interesting article I read just now over on What's Your Grief? What Is Normal in Grief? . . .The, “How’s that working out for you?” question applies broadly in mental health, but I think it’s especially relevant where grief is concerned because things that look like an expression of pain, erraticism, or impulsivity to the outside observer – like minor acts of avoidance, holding onto items, sudden shifts in perspective, making major life decisions, and continuing to mourn for years into the future – may actually be positive, comforting, and adaptive to the individual. Read on here >>> 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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