I'm missing her so much

[Margm]

I cannot add anything else.  I do know that this grief bothers our immune system and stress only knocks it down also.  I think we are all susceptible to getting viruses, infections, and other things.  We don't eat right, we don't drink enough water.  We just do not take care of ourselves.  At least, that is my feelings.  So, maybe take a little better care of yourself because you have had a lot of stress on your plate.  Sometimes consciously I just let myself go, but I have to quit doing that.  

[Gin]

Al was really sick for the last year and really depended on me.  I  was strong enough to really help him.  The week after he died, I tore the meniscus in my knee.  Recently I have been out of breath.  They are attributing it to allergies, even though I never had them.  A week goes by and I get bad headaches.  Then pain where my gall bladder USED to be.  I wonder how well I could  have taken care of him if this had happened last year.  I am grateful it all held off so I could take care of him.

[R.Everit55]

I've endured torn acl and meniscus and knee surgery, a heart attack and open heart surgery and more since my Mary passed almost 16 mos ago.  Our bodies seems to go south in grief.  

[Gwenivere]

I've lost track of all of the maladies that have befallen me since.Steve died.  I never got sick during the 5 years plus I was his caregiver.  It a sick twist to have done and now when I need to be even stronger, my body is so vulnerable.

[Clematis]

So true-I haven't had anything that bad, but several falls, one of which has really given me problems- I'm seeing an OT. Oh yeah, and I was losing weight, as directed to by my doctor, but all the ice cream, mac&cheese and Lucky Charms I have eaten in the last four months have not done me any favors on that scene, especially combined with the lack of exercise. If I could just get back to taking care of myself...somehow that got lost in the midst of taking care of my dad, know what I mean? 

[Gin]

Grief really does a number on us.  I am taking a class on Better Balance and hope to ward off falls.  I am the worst one in the class, but I have all sorts of excuses for that, grief being one of them.

[KATPILOT]

There may be something about the psyche that keeps us strong when one we are taking care of is dying. After they are gone we let go and become vulnerable. Then grief wears our resistance down and then we get sick.  I remember when Kathy was going through that battle and for the four months we fought it, I slept at best three hours a night working from midnight to six am trying to keep our store going and then home to get her to chemo and radiation. I never got ill and never felt tired but after she left, I kept getting every cold or flue or sinus infection you could think of. The worst part is getting sick when you are alone and not having that wonderful person taking care of you like they would always do. Yes our bodies do indeed become more vulnerable.  Beside that has anyone else noticed that you seem to be aging at an accelerated rate?

[BillT]

Kat,

Yes, I seem to be aging quickly, and I have seen the same in my mother many years ago when we lost my sister.  I saw her age much in the span of two years.  I think grief does that to us.  

I lost my sweet Mary Kay 98 days ago.  The tears, anguish and sleeplessness have kept me in a state of constant exhaustion and mental fog.  I definitely feel that I am aging at an accelerated rate.  Just waiting for the day we will be together again.

Love and prayer to all...

Bill

 

[Margm]

I always say "I was not old until Billy left."  Neither of us felt old.  We still did everything we always did before.  Now, I seem to be sliding downhill at an accelerated rate.  I guess this is just life as we now know it.  I have a diet that is geared to kill me, cannot get off it, but I can drink more water, and I have to start taking care of myself so I can move.  Moving and death all in one year!!!!  Not good for a body.

[KATPILOT]

Bill there will indeed be a day when you will be with her again. I hope for now you find the strength and courage to live your life till you are. You are counting the days right now. I did that too but in time please trust that you will get through this. The last thing they want is for us to give up and we all know that's true. How you survive till you find yourself still standing is a trick. A very big trick but it can happen. You keep talking with all of us and one day it won't hurt as bad. We don't discount the impact of them on our lives. We simply survive till we survive and one day find ourselves alive again still in love and still honoring the lives they lived. We may age at a more rapid rate but there is still a reason we are here. There is still something left to be done.

[brat#2]

I agree, I didn't feel old when Dale was alive, now I feel like I'm about 100.  My health is going down hill also, both my hips are hurting and barely walk some days, have stomach problems that I never had before.  I had always heard that intense grief not only affects your emotions but your physical being as well, as I'm seeing that it true.  Just trying to get to that point that is doesn't hurt near as much both ways.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Joyce, no kidding, our immune systems are down.  You remember the stories about the white man bringing diseases to the Native Americans?  Well, we get out so little (or at least most of us, I think I am on the road 90% of the time).  Anyhow, I have been known to get sick just going to Walmart.  Maybe other people do this too and that is why they put those hand cleaners out before we touch the shopping carts.  

[brat#2]

Good point Marg, I really don't go out to public places much anymore, but I do use those hand cleaners before I crab a cart (got into that habit when Dale was alive, so I wouldn't bring anything home to him).

Joyce

 

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

 The worst part is getting sick when you are alone and not having that wonderful person taking care of you like they would always do. Yes our bodies do indeed become more vulnerable.  Beside that has anyone else noticed that you seem to be aging at an accelerated rate?

If I were in better shape, I would be jumping up and down saying yes, yes, yes!  In the last 18 months it feels like I have aged a decade, or more.  I was used to limitations creeping up.  But when Steve died it was like open season for everything.  Every malady I had accelerated and some new ones jumped on too.  I've never been in and out of ERs, clinics, my doc and specialists in my life!  Steve became so compromised or disinterested in many things, I took care of him and those too.  I don't recall getting sick enough to warrant and real down time the 5 years he battled.  I even slept better even tho there was a lot of stress.  Now it seems like nature says, well......we have nothing to do now, so let's muck with the survivor.  And muck it has.  I feel like such an old woman.  Mound and groans and gawd forbid Inhave to get down on the floor!  I live with a limp now that was once just an achy hip til I got moving.  

I call it insult to injury.   Something decided the mental agony just wasn't enough.

[iPraiseHim]

11 hours ago, Marg M said:

Joyce, no kidding, our immune systems are down.  You remember the stories about the white man bringing diseases to the Native Americans?  Well, we get out so little (or at least most of us, I think I am on the road 90% of the time).  Anyhow, I have been known to get sick just going to Walmart.  Maybe other people do this too and that is why they put those hand cleaners out before we touch the shopping carts.  

I wear non-rubber (nitril) gloves to push the grocery cart and use a Thieves essential oil to protect me from germs.  the anti-bacterial wipes that the stores use are load with chemicals that suppress our immune system. I am amazed by simply drinking 1 cup of KEFIR ( found in the yogurt isle ) every morning has improved my health and settled my stomach. Shalom - George

[KarenK]

When did we get so old, Gwen? I think those many years of caring for our guys took a toll on us that we didn't realize at the time. I can't even remember the last time I had a good nigh't sleep. I slept with one eye and ear open as Ron was no longer comfortable sleeping in the bed, so he slept on the family room couch. I was always getting up and down to help him. Now, when the opportunity to sleep is here, my body refuses.

Went to JC Penney's today to spend my $10 off a $10 purchase. Love those coupons. Since I don't need anything, it takes me a while to find something. I had to sit down twice because of dizzy spells. I's like I have no energy at all. I like the "insult to injury" analogy.

[Margm]

After reading so much, I honestly think our will to live is down so much that we just don't care that much.  I know personally, I am just now beginning to want to take a little better care of myself, but still I am not that keen on living without Billy.  I range between remembering him telling me the one left must stay and my crazy brain thinks he was wanting to leave me and I know that is not true.  But, you know our brains right now are so scrambled that we don't know what to do, don't know what we want except to be with our mates.  And my memory, really I am getting some of it back but that damn new bedspread, I have no memory of getting it at all.  Still cannot remember.  But, I come and go so often it is a wonder I remember the road to come home on.  That is when I am in my element though, put me on a country road and let me loose.  (In daylight).

[scba]

I was having a horrible dream, a dream in which I feel suffering and hurting. I woke up and I am waiting it pass. I usually dreamt with events. Since he died, I dream also with feelings. I definitely slept very well even when he was very sick, probably because he was sleeping next to me, I felt save. 

[Clematis]

I think that "not caring" thing is key. In February I was driving up the switchbacks on the way to work. There had been a storm 2 days before, the next day a lot of it melted and then froze overnight on the road. So suddenly there I was driving up the hill, and a car came sliding down around the corner way too fast-on my side of the road! Fortunately it was a wide spot in the road and so I avoided the head-on collision. The other driver, who was at fault, split. My car skidded a bit and planted herself in the guardrail at one corner of the bumper, I sat there and thought, "My life is over". Then I noticed that the radio was still running and so was the engine. I backed it up (went ok) and drove to the top of the switchbacks, and got out to look it over. Looked ok except for the big ding in the bumper. So I got in and drove to work. I've noticed some creaking noises since then, but have just ignored it. I just didn't care enough to so anything. I pay for collision insurance on this car that would have covered it, but I didn't care enough to do anything. The car has 288,000 miles on it. Maybe that was an ok thing to do, but I don't know. Of course if my dad had been here, I would have asked him. But he's not. I don't care about the car, or if I eat Lucky Charms twice a day, if I get any exercise or...on and on and on. What do I care about? Lena. I care about my cat. Also, I have this little idea in the back of my mind that I may be ok again some day and so I try to keep the rubber side down when I drive, and hopefully things won't go too far afield in the meanwhile...

[Clematis]

On the other hand, when I am looking at things more objectively (and listen to people outside myself who are even more objective observers of me than I am), I can see that things are getting better. A friend pointed out that I seem "more grounded" and that when I work on things, I actually get something done. I am no longer losing things constantly. It has been over two months since my encounter with the guard rail. It is a good thing that I reacted quickly enough to miss the head-on collision, but I think that if that were to happen today I would be more likely to be able to slip my little car in between the approaching car and the guard rail without hitting either. I'm less likely to overreact now.

A couple of months ago, I was driving out of town on a curve that is way too curvy for the posted speed; I know it's a dangerous and I always try to be extra cautious going downhill there. I wasn't talking on the phone or going too fast, but I lost focus and the car went barely over onto the shoulder, which is noisy by design. When I heard that sound I jumped and over corrected, and then overcorrected back the other way and was swishing back and forth all over the road.Fortunately, no other cars were close to me. It really scared me because I know that's exactly how it happens that people end up rolling their cars down that hill. I slowed down, straightened it out, and at the first opportunity turned the car around and went home. Whatever I wanted from Home Depot could wait. I think if that were to happen today I wouldn't have reacted like I did a few months ago. I think it's getting better.

[kayc]

Margaret,  (re: not remembering bedspread), I have a cupboard underneath a breakfast bar that I have plastic tubs under and it's sandwiched next to a large craft center, anyway, needless to say, whoever decided to put a cupboard way down there in the corner was not thinking how you were going to get anything in/out of it when you got old and the knees hurt.  I knew I had a meat grinder (which I still haven't figured out how to use...one of those old fashioned crank kind) in there and thought maybe I could use it when I grind my dog's meat.  So I began the laborious task of unearthing this cupboard.  What I found was a lot of dust, so I took everything out, cleaned everything.  I found the grinder I was looking for, also a meat slicer I'll probably never use again.  But amidst all this, I found a beautiful and rather large Christmas centerpiece...not for a table, but more like for a mantle.  I don't recall ever having seen it in my life!  And it's never been used.  I took it to the Senior Site where a lady scarfed it up.

You are not alone with the memory thing...

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, KarenK said:

When did we get so old, Gwen? I think those many years of caring for our guys took a toll on us that we didn't realize at the time. I can't even remember the last time I had a good nigh't sleep. I slept with one eye and ear open as Ron was no longer comfortable sleeping in the bed, so he slept on the family room couch. I was always getting up and down to help him. Now, when the opportunity to sleep is here, my body refuses.

Went to JC Penney's today to spend my $10 off a $10 purchase. Love those coupons. Since I don't need anything, it takes me a while to find something. I had to sit down twice because of dizzy spells. I's like I have no energy at all. I like the "insult to injury" analogy.

I slept fine when Steve was here too, even tho he was sick.  It was his very presence that completed me.  Even when he would wake me in the middle of the night for something, I'd just jump up, take care of it and go back to sleep.

ive been tossing away those lovely $10 coupons because there is nothing I need and I can't make myself fund smithing I want.  Ive tried.  Often I used them to get Steve a tee shirt or something about $10 it was a thrill to get something for free.  When I would get bored, I would go to various stores to look around and kill time.  It was fun because even if I didn't buy anything, I could look at things for OUR home and go hmmmmmm.....maybe.  Or I would actually find something and it was so much fun to bring home.  The very few things I have since make me sad at times because they are an improvement or nice change, but just to me.  And I am caring less and less about that.  This grief ripples far beyond our inner pain.  It affects.........everything!

[Gwenivere]

15 hours ago, scba said:

I definitely slept very well even when he was very sick, probably because he was sleeping next to me, I felt save. 

Isn't it odd that even when they were more dependent on us, they made us feel safe?  I've never felt more vulnerable than I do now being alone.  So little he could have done in his last months, but that big strong guy was still in there mentally and that was all I needed.  

[Clematis]

I have felt this as well in losing my dad. Even though he was obviously leaning/depending on me as well as deferring to me, in my heart he was still that strong guy-my clever dad-the guy who knew everything and could fix anything, and rescue me if I needed it .It's really hard to lose your safety net and your source of strength, even if some of that is more of a memory than a current or recent reality.

[kayc]

Look who is dressed up for Mother's Day!  4 lbs 7 oz!  Prayers are working!