If You're Going Through Hell

[Gin]

Kay,

Sorry you are sick.  I  never was that concerned when I was sick...as long as Al was with me.  Now I do not do too well.  I am sure it was the same for you and George.

[Margm]

Kay, hope you are feeling better.  Know the heat does not help.  And on top of being ill yourself you have your fur babies that are ill also.  Please let us know how you are doing.  I am so sorry.  

I am so selfish and gripe about my family, but if I need help I don't even have to ask.  They are always around so someone would know.  Sometimes the things that bother us also are the things that will be there if needed.  I am so sorry I gripe so much sometimes.  

I took my daughter to psych doc today, appointment at 10:00, but had heard wrong and it was 2:00 p.m.  So just got in.  The thing is, if it had been me that had to go to the doctor she would have helped me in and never once griped about helping me.  

So, the very thing I complain about must just be because I don't have Billy and I have turned into a shrew.  I miss Billy so bad but I am lucky to have my family, even if I gripe.  They take and they take, but they also give and they give.  

Please let us know how things are doing and if you have had any let up in the horrible heat.  

[Patty65]

I did the same, Steven... I had an ipu, a dried Hawaiian gourd - I dried it years ago having gotten a fresh one from the farmer's market when we were selling pasta there, not knowing what I would ever use it for -- but just respecting and wanting to follow Hawaiian tradition by drying it.  The blob on the right is concrete where I poured in some of his ashes to the mix, along with shells that we'd collected together, and I made an eternal reef.  Part of his ashes went in the ocean poured from the ipu, the rest went into the Eternal Reef piece, that we dove down and placed among the tropical fish.  Ron had once told me in jest that if anything ever happened to him, to put his ashes in the ocean or he would "haunt me".  I almost didn't do it so he would.

[Patty65]

Kay, So sorry you are sick!  I have not been sick yet, and I can only imagine how hard it is being sick without the support of your love. Here is a virtual cup of tea! (_)>

Patty

[MartyT]

Thank you for sharing that amazing photograph, Patty. What a beautiful send-off that must have been.

And Kay, we're all sending healing thoughts to you, along with that virtual cup of tea  ♥

[Margm]

Thanks for sharing Patty.  I know there is no magic ceremony to cure our hurt, but I wish there was.  This was beautiful and you are sharing with friends.

[brat#2]

Patty - thank you for sharing and what a beautiful way to send him off.  I'm sure you made him happy, but I agree, I want Dale to come back and haunt me too.

Joyce

 

[KATPILOT]

Truly a moving and touching moment. Ron got his wish.

I am in such a quandary. I know that Kathy truly wants to be in Kauai. She doesn't want her ashes spread either. So I wrestle with that for she knows we will be combined and then where? I don't want to be in a cubicle in some cemetery mausoleum. We never had the chance to discuss that one. Kind of the last thing on my mind at the time. I just wanted and always will want to just be where she is. She might have agreed to my idea that we be dropped into a lava flow and thenceforth become part of Hawaii itself. But then that's not Kauai. So the conflict continues. If you can believe this I actually have considered going to Kauai just to shop around for a place to put us. How convoluted is that?

[iPraiseHim]

I have my wife's ashes in her closet.  We never discussed where she wanted to be buried. Neither one of us planned to die. I also have the cremains for two of our beloved pets.  I really don't know what to do with them yet. Maybe it is hereditary.  My Dad has the cremains of his wife and his youngest son on a dresser.  I think I'm seeing a pattern.

On a somewhat unusual note, I remember taking to my sister and lamenting that I didn't know where my wife was,  and she so matter-of-fact said, "George, She is in the closet!"  Her answer so surprised me that I burst into laughter when I thought about the question.  Grief humor is a strange thing.

I just remembered the humorous events when we (Rose Anne & I ) spread her Mom's ashes.... Strange humor and memories.     

[Clematis]

My dad's ashes are up high on a shelf with some Talavera pottery and some other ceramic pieces. He is supposed to be in PA with my mother, but then at the end he said he wanted to have her exhumed and brought to AZ so they would both be with me. I don't think she would want that. My sisters are not making any efforts to facilitate my bringing his ashes to PA. Last conversation I told the younger one that since they couldn't figure out a time last summer, we'd have to do it later. After making it clear that she did NOT want me coming out there at Christmas (which I never mentioned), I suggested that we try for next summer. Of course we can't finish settling the estate until that is done, since it's in his will. I figure that eventually they will get motivated on it. Eventually getting their money will probably seem more important than being icky to me.

Meanwhile, I hope he doesn't mind his ashes staying out here with me. I'm thinking what he was saying in the end was that he wanted to be with her but not leave me. Truth is, I think his spirit has been with me and isn't leaving me, but I don't think he really thought a lot about any of that when he was alive. I think my dad is that voice telling me to go get the fire extinguisher, buy gas so I don't run out, fix the airbag in the car, be careful with my money since he can't help me any more, and telling me that he's really sorry that he had to leave me because he just couldn't do it any more. I don't think my dad is in that blue and white urn, although I do plan to facilitate his wishes and get his ashes in the ground.as soon as I can.

[Patty65]

2 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I know that Kathy truly wants to be in Kauai.

I went to Kauai once with some girlfriends long ago, and we were in Hanalei ... you know, the song "Puff the Magic Dragon" "...In a land called Hanalei..."  They had a Goddess shop -- and I bought a ancient goddess symbol necklace, and then we went on loooonnng, hard, exhuberating, cliff-hanging hikes to waterfalls deep in the middle of the island.  Every stream I came to, I dipped the goddess necklace in.  I did that everywhere I went for a long time.  The necklace was a symbol of strength for me, and keeping it in literal contact with the waters of the islands was a great little ritual that helped me at the time as I had left my first unhappy marriage and was on my own with a two year old. There are really beautiful spots. Sacred spots, spots with petroglyphs.  You will not have trouble finding a special spot there! 

[Gwenivere]

It's not convoluted, Steve.  It's a mission as Kathy had a request.  We didn't discuss that as it was not something important to us.  So now I have this box hidden from sight.  No plans, no searching for any.   That is good for me because I am grieved out in so many ways.  

[kayc]

I haven't been on here since yesterday morning...just resting and being miserable...

I got a laugh out of George's "She's in the closet!"  Just what I needed.

I spread George's ashes in the back yard, where we have pets buried and instructed my kids to put my ashes there someday, so now they call it 'the family burial plot".  It means I need to try and hang on to this place.  Can you see me out shoveling snow at 80 years old?  I look around at people I know in good health at that age and tell myself if they can, I can.

George always called this "our home in the clouds", he made it sounds like something out of heaven, but the truth is it's a 38 year old mobile home with a falling down shed and a garage that needs the back of it replaced.  But it is on beautiful property.  I guess he was content with little.  It's the nature that consoles me, the beautiful forest and the creek running through the back, our own little piece of heaven, equipped with deer and elk and so much more wildlife.  We loved spending time out on the patio watching the hummingbirds and just listening to the sounds, smelling the fresh air.  I knew this is where he'd want to be.

[brat#2]

Kay, I hope you are feeling better and your place sounds absolutely wonderful. I'm sure George is happy there.  Take care

Joyce

 

[Margm]

I gripe about my family all the time.  But, though they ask much of me, they also give much.  I cannot promise I will quit griping.  I think I have done this always.  That is probably why my daddy will nominate Billy to God to collect his wings.  Just like my dad had to earn his wings by being married to my mom, so must Billy for being married to me. 

And Kay, I know why you live where you do.  George's "closet" memory gave me a laugh too.  Billy's idea of a heavenly place to live would not be where I am now.  But, for some crazy, insane reason, it is where I must be, and I don't miss anything about the other place, except Billy, and he had left me in that place.  

I had a rough night the other night.  I don't think anyone really understands me when I say I feel negative energy.  I did not have time to read much the other night before my Xanax made me ready to sleep.  I lay over on my back, looked at the almost bare wall (I have not put things up out of boxes yet), and all I could see was my mama's and Billy's death masks.  They were on the wall, they were behind my eyelids if I closed my eyes and I was all at once in an anxiety ridden condition. I don't ever take two Xanax, (I have in extreme conditions) and this was extreme.  I had tried to close my mama's eyes.  I could not touch Billy.  My mind could not process he was gone.  Sometimes I cannot process it now.  We still did not know he was leaving this date last year.  It was just another day, getting ready for a new doctor's appointment.  

This negative energy, I felt it every night in the house I moved from.  Maybe because Billy's energy was negative in that house.

My sister is a confirmed ...........what do I call it?  Is it spinster, old maid, or feminist?  Anyhow, a term I use sometimes makes her angry.  Hope I can put it on here because it is risque.  I will say I don't have the balls to do something.  She hates me to say that but I just mean I am not strong enough to do something.  Sometimes I cannot screw the top off a bottle or anything.  I am not strong enough to do some things Billy did for me.  Of course, she thinks we women can do anything a man can do.  Well we can't.  But you know what, we can think of a dozen ways to get around it.  I told her about my night of horror.  Come to find out at the same time each night the fire alarm apparatus things will go off each night in her's and Mama's house.  Did not do that before Mama passed away.  She says she knows Mama will not hurt her, but this just weired her out.  I know this is strange, but I have always felt negative energy about that house.  And Mama and Daddy had it built, so no one has ever lived in it but them.  If they were not there, I just felt cold chills being in that house.  I had no problem signing over the whole property to my sister.  I wanted no part of it.  

It is a surreal life without Billy.  I am full of fears.  I am not young, but I was full of fears when I was young too, even before I met Billy.

I will tell you something  funny.  My dad, when I would wake him up at night telling him that I heard something outside (we lived in the country thankfully), he would get the shotgun, put on his house shoes and make a run around the outside of the house in his boxer shorts..  He kept me protected.  When I first met Billy he told me his name was William Raymond and it meant "mighty protector."  Well, his name was really Billy Ray.  And the first time I heard noises outside our apartment, I woke him up and told him and my mighty protector told me to go see what it was.  

 

[KATPILOT]

3 minutes ago, Marg M said:

  Of course, she thinks we women can do anything a man can do.  Well we can't.  But you know what, we can think of a dozen ways to get around it.   

    

 

Damn right Marg and you get to the finish line first.  Kathy was always the one to figure it out after I had bruised and cut myself all up cussing and sweating. Still it made me smile to remember those times. I try to take what I've learned but my left brain sometimes steps over my right one.

[iPraiseHim]

6 hours ago, Marg M said:

I had a rough night the other night.  I don't think anyone really understands me when I say I feel negative energy. 

My mind could not process he was gone.  Sometimes I cannot process it now.  We still did not know he was leaving this date last year.  It was just another day, getting ready for a new doctor's appointment.  

It is a surreal life without Billy.  I am full of fears.  I am not young, but I was full of fears when I was young too, even before I met Billy.

 

 

Marg M, I can definitely relate.  I used to be so afraid of life when I was young.  My life with my precious wife has grounded me in so many ways.  She loved me and accepted me as I was and loved me as unconditionally as anyone could. 

Since her death there is an underlying uneasiness about life.  My world was so shaken and stirred that it feels like an earthquake with no solid ground.  So many concerns now. Safety, security, protection, health, emotional, and just a lack of joy since Rose Anne died. 

I wish I could give everyone the magic key or answer but alas, I don't think there is one.

There are a few days when I get a reprieve but I believe this is what we all need to work through to learn and grow from this point forward.  I have noticed that I am much more compassionate about the loved ones left behind when someone dies. It impacts so many people in tremendous ways.  It also sorts out in my life what is of real importance in this life we travel. 

Keep moving forward.  We will all reach our destination in the right time and at the right place.  - Shalom

[Margm]

4 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

Keep moving forward.  We will all reach our destination in the right time and at the right place

George, do you know I really used to get angry when someone would say "when it's your time then it is your time."  They were right.  So, we do just keep moving forward don't we, until we can't.  No magic keys.  Lots of lack of joy.  We are all in good company on here, we all understand each other.  

[Clematis]

11 hours ago, Marg M said:

 Of course, she thinks we women can do anything a man can do.  Well we can't.  But you know what, we can think of a dozen ways to get around it.  

That's funny, Marg. I used to think that, but when I was about 20 or so I figured out that when it came to pure strength, the men had more of it than I, and so since I had more brains than braun, I should figure out how to make a living using my brains. I read the things you guys write about your amazing spouses that you lost and I always think you all were lucky to have found and captured these remarkable people you married, even though I know that is one of the top things that you do NOT say to someone who las lost anyone.

Still I wonder...what if--for me... It didn't take me long after getting married to Alan to figure out that charming as he was, I had picked out Peter Pan as my spouse. We both worked for a company that ran river trips down the Grand Canyon, and the guides used to say that Alan "rowed like a woman". This was a compliment, because he weighed about 135 pounds, which meant that he had to row smarter, start moving his boat sooner, and basically be smarter than the water because he couldn't muscle his way through it. Anyway, he got a job in management in the company, we bought a house, but then then he decided he would rather go back to rowing a boat and work four months a year and we would live in a teepee so he didn't have to work too much or fight his way in the world. He thought I was going to have babies in the teepee and raise them in the teepee. I figured I could take better care of myself, and I learned to. I never found anyone else.

But from my dad I learned how to fight my way in the world, and eventually I ended up fighting for him because he wasn't able to do it. Sometimes I felt like his pet Rottweiler... I'd realize he was struggling with someone, like some company that was taking advantage of older people with some scam. I'd ask him he wanted me to help him, he'd say yeah, and I'd sit down next to him, take his phone, and go after them until they wish they had never tangled with me. Ad where did I learn to do this? Yeah, dear old dad. He taught me so so much and I sure miss him. He was my guiding light, even when he was falling apart. I was luck to have those ten years with him and honored to be able to take care of him as he had taken care of me, and to be able to protect him like he had protected me. I still just can't believe it's over.

[Widowedbysuicide]

My internet has been 'flakey' lately and I'm hoping it will stay ok long enough to say hello to all.  I sure wish there was less suffering here.  To know that the burden is somehow shared over so many shoulders is a comfort.

Without naming names, you all know who I'm speaking of, I hear your hearts breaking, your brains quaking, and the whole of your lives shaking.  I hear it and while I feel compassion for each and every one everyday I feel the frustration of not being able to ease that grief.

Be as well as you can and know that especially when you think no one notices there are so many here who notice and care.

 

[kayc]

Well I'd be a fool if I thought I could do everything a man could!  All five feet of me?!  George had big strong arms and shoulders and he could do anything!  At least that's how I saw him!  If he didn't know how to do something he'd pay someone to teach him...not to do it, but to TEACH him how to!  I admired that about him.  It impressed my son also.  He knew George would die trying (to take care of me).   I felt so cared for with him!

[TerriL]

As usual, when I've dropped off here for a while, it means that I've been in "one of those states of mind" again. Different things coming at me from different places and I become "zombified". Luckily, it appears that the hurricane threat has diminished, although they say we may get lots of heavy rain and wind from what's left of the system. 

I've been reading everyone's posts and I've been praying for you all. I hope you're feeling better Kay and that the heat has lessened somewhat. Marg, I was having those nights recently, too. Is there something weird in the air or the alignment of the planets? I've had emails regarding the pension stuff and after a summer break, they're back having meetings and contemplating how they are going to place the retirees and widows in financial jeopardy. So, that knot that I used to get in the immediate aftermath of Paul's death----the one that was abject terror, mixed with fear and dread of the unknown----cam back and planted itself in my stomach in the middle of the night for several nights. At the meeting, they decided to hold off moving forward on anything. That buys time, at least. Maybe they've been told how illegal what they are doing really is and so they are stalling to cover themselves before they shelve their plans completely. I'm praying for the latter. I am having the strangest dreams though, when I do sleep. 

George, I never think about this until after someone has visited me, but I have the ashes of both my parents sitting on my piano, three decorative boxes of my cats' ashes sitting on my entertainment center and now, the large urn with Paul's ashes sitting on the table in my living room, next to his favorite chair. When someone leaves, I'll suddenly wonder if they looked around and realized that I'm essentially surrounded by the ashes of my former family. This actually cracks me up, since it makes me feel a bit "Tim Burton-esque". ("Nightmare Before Christmas", "Edward Scissorhands", "Beetlejuice", etc.---almost everything that has Johnny Depp in it---lol) When I first brought Paul home and people would stop by, I would introduce them to him by pointing to the urn. They'd nervously laugh.  

Patty, I love that picture of the reef ceremony. What a life-affirming ritual. I would so much prefer something like that. I'm not sure if it makes people uncomfortable or not, but I've told many of my friends and the few family members I still talk to that when my time comes, I also want to be cremated and placed in Paul's urn so that they can take us both and scatter us in the Everglades. If any oil companies attempt to frack where we're scattered, I won't just haunt them, I will go poltergeist on their a$$es! HAHA! 

[Margm]

Terri, I like the word "zombified" instead of numb-down;  I like being zombified.  My family, the older ones, were surprised that everyone was being cremated and ashes kept.  My good friend, she has kept her mom's and dad's ashes and when she goes to family dinners, she takes her husbands urn along with her.  At first I would take Billy's urn every-time I left the house.  When moving I left him behind the seat of the extended cab for two nights and I told Scott I felt bad leaving Daddy in the heat.  He thought that was sorta funny.  I really try not to think about what happens to the body after death,   I once read a book with the story line situated in one of the South American countries.  The hero, after a few years, he was unceremoniously shoved out the back of his crypt so another body could occupy the space.  I was so sad about that.  His name was Dax, but cannot remember the book.  I always liked them putting the body off on a boat and lighting the boat on fire.  And the Native Americans building platforms high up for their deceased.  Well, this is not a happy subject, is it?

Hope you are feeling better WW.  Hope things go to your liking in the place you live.  

[kayc]

Terri, it's still hot here although it's dropped a bit, i think it's the difference between unbearable and bearable now though.  And I'm still very sick, the symptoms too many to list, just trying to get through it a day at a time.  It's killed whatever plans I had this week and probably next week's too.

I had to laugh when I thought of your ashes/urn filled house.  I think it's so important to do what WE feel comfortable with, the others will adjust!  

I really hope the pension gets worked out to your favor so that's one less knot in your stomach!

 

[Gin]

I have a son (43) who lives far away from me in California.  Very independent.  Worked for the Ca power company until he fell from a high tower.  Had to have both hips replaced and needs back surgery.   I want him to come back here, but he will not.  He lives in a trailer.  No phone connection any more.  He texts me every once in a while.  Cryptic little things like, "I will be back home next week (trailer ).  I did not get better".  Better from what??  I keep texting him and nothing.  I have no phone numbers of people he knows.  So frustrating.  He does drink and I worry that he is overdoing it.  I send him letters and just about beg him to call me.  He does not call his father or siblings.  He claims his phone is broken.  This is so hard to deal with on top of the grief for Al.