Margm Posted July 22, 2016 Report Share Posted July 22, 2016 One of the hospice workers who bathes Mama came while I was sitting with Mama today.. Sitting with Mama is just that, sitting. She had already had a pain med so she slept. She looked up at me a few times and I kissed her forehead. It does not matter if she knows me or not. This is dedicated to you on here who had the opportunity to take care of your loved ones for a long time. Billy the Kid was only sick for five weeks. He went down so fast from start to finish that there was no time spent in any one thing that was wrong with him. He did have fast failing. He went from cane to walker to wheelchair in those five weeks. I was so strong I felt I could and would carry him if necessary. Billy would not have liked that though. I kissed my mama goodbye when I left, as she was being bathed. Her little body was a bag of bones. I think that those of us who watch our loved ones die, I think we seem to have some form of PTSD. Watching my mama brought back scenes of Billy in bed. I will not go into it anymore than that, but each time I am with her I relive it all over again. How can she hang on like she does? She is not wanting to stay but her malfunctioning brain is her enemy. My mama is not there anymore. Billy the Kid was still there, and then he wasn't. There are people out there that have a job, their job is not really a job, it is a calling, just like pastor's have a calling sometimes. They are helping ease the terminally ill into a better place. Myself, I cannot do it. My daughter can do it. Hospice workers can do it. My sister does it, but I know this is not something she would choose. She enjoys teaching. She used to work for social service that took kids out of bad homes. She took to drinking at night to forget some of those situations. It took awhile, but with AA she conquered the habit. I am afraid I am so weak I would just drink myself to death. I am not strong folks, I am such a weak person. There are real Angel's of Mercy though. We have seen them. The woman who bathes Mama, her name is Precious, that is her real name, and I know she does not get paid enough. Sometimes I feel destroyed, but someone else had it so much worse than I have had it, so much worse than my Billy had it. Mama is not hurting. She is not there. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 22, 2016 Report Share Posted July 22, 2016 4 minutes ago, Marg M said: Mama is not hurting. She is not there. I know all too well what you speak of...been there. I hope, like you say, she doesn't hurt. It's hard watching this transition. My heart goes out to you, Marg. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillT Posted July 22, 2016 Report Share Posted July 22, 2016 Marg, I know of what you speak, and my prayers are with you and your mother. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted July 22, 2016 Report Share Posted July 22, 2016 Marg, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, it's not easy. You are in the thoughts and prayers Joyce 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted July 22, 2016 Report Share Posted July 22, 2016 Marg, you're doing what has to be done. Your reflecting all the good thoughts of your Mom's life. It is so difficult to go through but so necessary. Cannot agree more about your comments about the Hospice workers, definitely very special people. My thoughts and prayers....kevin 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 Praying... Shalom 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 2 hours ago, Marg M said: She is not there. Five months ago today, right now, I was standing in the mall parking garage looking at my badly damaged stolen car that had just been found, only later to go back to Hospice after teaching my class to a nurse telling me Ron was changing, rapidly. Five months tomorrow, I was with him, but he too was not there then. I could feel him all around me, but not in his body. He was not there any longer in it. He was there around it. And then he wasn't. To go through this -- this reminiscence -- so soon... I'm so sorry Marg. I hope you feel us with you in spirit (((hugs))) Patty 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 9 minutes ago, Patty65 said: I hope you feel us with you in spirit I feel all of you, I know most all of you had it worse than I did, and I sure was lucky to have him so long, but we all feel the same loss. I feel like I should sit vigil with my mom, but honestly, I feel someone would be sitting vigil with me soon. I am settled now, or at least semi-settled, and I will probably seek a therapist. But, know what I am going through is "normal" grief, and feel I will be told that. My sister quotes things to me, I know she does it in hopes that my feelings will be helped, and I hope that what she quotes to me is helping her too. She has never been married or had a long relationship, but she has had relationships and I remember one passed away. He was a friend though, not a companion. Mama is her mother, and now I am sure she is also her child. I have to try to be there for her and I am not sure I even know how. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 Marg, you are very dear to all of us, and our thoughts and prayers are with you. Please take care of you first. You have shouldered so much, and you can only do so much. Do what you can, and only what you can ~ and let it be enough. Peace be with you, dear one. ♥ 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Polly Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 Marg, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 Marg, I am so sorry. I have been where you are. There is no way to shut out the memories, just no way. In time, I hope those memories will abate and only the good ones remain. We are stronger than we think. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 Prayers are with you, Marg. It is a very, very hard road. Gin 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 Me too Marg. I am so sorry you have to go down this path. I watched my dad go just five months after Kathy and in the hospice home where he was, I saw some of those angels who walk among us. I saw them in the home where Kathy died and then last year I saw some more at the home where my step mom was.They look just like regular people but they're not. It takes a special person to be an angel while still alive. I know how difficult it is to see your mom like she is now. Circle of life or not, it's still so very hard to live it. Rest dear lady, you need it. Take time to take care of yourself. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 This Angel named "Precious" comes to the homes of hospice patients and bathes them. I retired from two hospitals. One of my coworkers obtained her nursing degree. She went directly to hospice, works the night shift. I know there have to be people for all professions, but these are true Angel's. My daughter volunteered at the hospital where I worked, she started at the age of 13. It was a teaching hospital and they let her have the run of it. She knew she wanted to be a nurse. She did go on to become a nurse and no one can handle my mom like she does. Billy was like this too, he certainly nursed me through two near deaths, and it took years. We were moving down here in the RV and he was going to help me with Mama. My dad would act like he was angry when we were ill. His worry came in the form of anger, yet his high school years were spent working in a funeral home. I am more like him about not having patience and I know my daughter inherited her own dad's abilities. I was fighting cancer myself when my dad passed away from cancer.. He battled it for four years. We only knew about Billy's five weeks. I know somewhere, somehow, I am supposed to feel blessed he did not suffer. I am. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 My thoughts are with you, Marg. ? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 Marg: You really touched my heart with your post. You are strong. Strong to me just means being there however you can. You were so there with your husband and now your mother. Hugs to you. I know what you are saying about the PTSD thing. While my husband was sick my mother was doing down. She lived in CA and I would fly out every so many weeks and care for her for 2-3 weeks at a time. It was so sad watching and not being able to do anything but love. But, I think that if probably the most important thing. Then my husband went down and I still haven't recovered from the shock of it. It's been 13 months and I'm still reeling. Our dog, a stand poodle, Ranger, is 12 and is starting to fail. It is taking me back to both of the other losses and it's horrible. I don't feel strong either, but I will see it to the end just like you out of love. I keep thinking there has to be more love and lighter times out there. I will hold onto that hope. Until then, love to you and everyone...Cookie 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 23, 2016 Report Share Posted July 23, 2016 Marg, I know how hard it is to watch your mom going like that. It hit me hard when my mom no longer remembered George...he was so good with her and she loved him dearly. They had a special relationship from the beginning, my mom was not easy but he loved and understood her and could deal with her better than the rest of us. When my mom would tell us where to drive, it would annoy us, but when she told George, he'd make a game of it and tell her they were going the scenic route, like it was a surprise, and she'd smile and be ready to go! These memories are all I have now. Marg, you're always ready to take care of everyone else, I hope you'll take Marty's advice and take care of YOU. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 You are in my prayers Marg. As one person you can only do what you can do comfortably. You are doing the best you can under all the extreme circumstances. When my father was near his final day I was frustrated that I couldn't do more for him. Many of us want to honour our loved ones and make everything as easy for them as we can. Your best is a gift. Cookie I can empathize with your life right now. We have suffered great losses and sadly we are both in the unenviable position of having our fur family members failing. Mine is my horse Dakota, who is 20+. My thoughts are with you during this sad times. - It is taking me back to both of the other losses and it's horrible. I don't feel strong either, but I will see it to the end just like you out of love. I keep thinking there has to be more love and lighter times out there. I will hold onto that hope. Until then, love to you and everyone...Cookie - I sure hope for those times with love and light. Marita 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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