It hurts so bad

[kayc]

Oh please don't stop whistling!  It is so good to have a happy moment even if it's fleeting!  I find those moments too, they don't last nearly long enough, but honestly, it's what helps us keep going.

No it's not just you.  You need to give yourself permission to feel happiness, even if only momentarily.  Have you asked what Tammy would say to you about this?  I know, it's feelings and feelings don't always make sense.  But I'm a firm believer in letting the head have a say as well, and consulting our inner wisdom, not just going by the feelings, which can be unreliable and lacking in any common sense.  All except the matters of the heart concerning my love for George...for that I took a leap on love and was I a winner!

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch,

Since I am beginning to finally come out of the fog...I too have felt guilt when I find myself doing something besides grieving...like making jokes and being on the light side of things.  I guess my big fear is that if people see this, they will forget that I am still in a lot of pain, and when I slip back into the dark of grief, for whatever amount of time it lasts, that they will think I am trying to get attention or feeling sorry for myself.  I have done so much retail therapy that it is scary.  I am trying to curtail myself from it.  Having "stuff" doesn't make me feel better, especially when it comes time to pay the bill.  I find part of it is also coming across things that might make someone else feel better, or help them along their journey, even if it is just printing out something that I found on Pinterest that might lift their spirits, or let them know I understand their pain.  I want people to know that even though I am grieving, I am not just focusing on me.  So, Mitch, I know what you are saying and try not to beat up on yourself.  You are making your way, that is all.  And just like I know Mark would want me to have light in my life, so would Tammy.  So keep on whistling, my friend...and picture her smiling as you do.

[brat#2]

Mitch - I know what you are feeling.  I feel guilty if I catch myself laughing at something on TV.  Dale had such a great sense of humor and laughter was a big part of our relationship that I'm sure he wouldn't want me not to laugh anymore, but it is so hard when we are not laughing with them.  You are not the only one to feel like you shouldn't have any pleasure in this new life, but I know Tammy or Dale wouldn't want us to be in pain all the time.  It's the best we can do.

Joyce

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Fast forward to my life today. I don't like shopping, never did. But, if I need something, I click on EBay or go to Amazon and have it delivered to my door. I've ordered everything from shoes and clothes to my recent purchase of an electric pole saw. And I feel so guilty! 

Why do we torture ourselves like this? Is it just me?

It's not just you.  I had a new bed delivered yesterday and while it is nice and needed, I felt so sad Because the very first thing I would have asked Steve what he thought of it this morning after sleeping on it.  It wasn't guilt for me tho, it was realizing just how much we were used to talking with our partners.  It reminded me that I have another day I can't talk to him about anything.  I scan the news online and no one to tell about it over lunch.  No one to make plans with.   I've watched shows that have made me smile, but can't really laugh without him here laughing too.  It's an emptiness all the time.

We aren't torturing ourselves, grief is.  I would never voluntarily do this to myself.  Steve didn't mean for this to happen either.  He had no idea (tho he thought he did) how hard this would be.  I like it when I feel some glimmer of, well, happiness is a stretch, let's say not consumed in pain.  I don't trust those moments to last, but since I have to go in existing, just a brief moment I can breathe is a gift.

[mittam99]

Gwen, I know exactly what you mean. It's so hard to go from sharing everything with the person you chose to spend your life with to this lonely, irrelevant existence. I've always been a funny guy and I loved making Tammy laugh. I still have the same funny thoughts but now I don't hear Tammy's one of a kind, contagious laugh. 

I can't tell her about my crazy day at work or cook a meal that makes her smile. There are no intimate moments anymore. No more squishy hugs. No doubt about it, this new life is so ridiculously hard.

But, it's the only life we have. And we need to understand that as awful as things may seem, life is a blessing.

 

[Guest]

For thirty-seven plus years Deedo and I always had a Friday night date.  It did not matter what else was happening, hospitalizations, vacations, family gatherings, it was always just the two of us on Friday night.  How I miss those dates; our last one was July 24th in the Mayo hospital, Deedo had just come out of a procedure to alleviate seven blood clots in her lungs.  We held hands and talked.  It turned out to be our last extended conversation.

[Gwenivere]

Our Friday was Saturday night.  We always went out to dinner to the same place and would store up topics knowing it would be a good time to talk without distraction.  I am still not used to it being gone.  The last time we went, about 2 months before Steves death, I had pulled our waitress aside and said we wouldn't be back because he was getting too confused.  I always treasured those nights and now I know how much as it Saturday again and I will be dining alone again.  Other nights are not as bad as this one.  That man loved his Mexican food and our waitress we knew for years.  That was a biggie to give up.  

Brad, I hate thinking of the last conversation.  My heart truly goes out to you.  I don't exactly recall our last, but I didn't know thatv it was when it happened.  I do remember the many in his dementia state that tore me up.  He was leaving me sooner than his body did.  That was hell on earth.  To have him and not be able to reach him.

[iPraiseHim]

We had Friday night dates too, for many years. As my wife became weaker and sicker. I would ask her what she wanted and I would bring it home for our Friday night date.  After my wife died, I knew I had to do something completely different on Friday's so for the first four months, I was called the great Obama Care hotline trying to get the insurance mess fixed.  No more Friday night dates.  It's just another night now.  I have accepted it.  Shalom. 

[mittam99]

We had dinner dates, late night dates and often, lunch dates. Just being in the car with each other was special. As Tammy's health deteriorated, those dates got to be less frequent. After Tammy's last appointment at her rheumatologist, we planned to go to a restaurant. Sadly, halfway there, she became too sick to go. We drove home and never went to a restaurant again. 

We were such a good team, Tammy and me.

She made it out of the hospital in February and into rehab. She made it home on March 4th. Tammy wanted to get better, we both thought she would. We had so much more of our life story to write. And less than two days later, my perfect wife, my everything, my sweet Tammy was gone.

I'm so sad.

 

[kayc]

It's been almost 11 years George has been gone, and Friday night I felt horribly depressed because it was another Friday night alone.  Such a stark contrast between when he was alive!  We always looked forward to the start of our weekend together! 

Mitch, your post made me cry.  You share how much you miss Tammy but end with saying life is a blessing.  That is how we all have to view it, for as much as we miss, whatever we now have...that's what we have left.

[brat#2]

We didn't really have a set date night.  Living so close (about 2 miles) from the beach, we soon learned that the restaurants would get really busy on the weekends, so we did a lot or ordering in at any time we needed a break from the normal.  I haven't had any "order in" since he left.  We would go to restaurants for special occasions, birthdays and anniversary, but usually liked just staying home, eating ordered in food and watching movies.  I miss that so much.

I remember our last conversation too, it was over the phone.  I had gone home later to get a few hours sleep and change clothes and I called the Hospice right before I went to sleep and they put him on the phone, we talked for a few minutes and said I love you to each other.  When I got back to him a few hours later, he was not responding so our last "I love you" was not in person but at least we did get to say it to each other.  I miss his voice.

Joyce

[Froggie4635]

Mark and I had a routine also.  Friday night he would go and get us something for dinner, and when it was in a new season, we would watch "Gold Rush".  Mark had to work Saturday mornings, so I would get him up, fix him some coffee and something to eat and then busy myself all morning until he got home a little after noon.  Sometimes he already had plans on what he wanted to do or needed to get done.  Saturday evenings we would go and run errands and then have dinner out.  We got in that routine because evenings were when the temp would go down in the summer (8 months).  Sunday we would go get groceries and then relax the rest of the day, finish what needed done for the week.  A majority of our meals were cooked on the grill...he was so good at it.  I see his charcoal starter hanging in the garage; haven't lit the grill since before he died.  I miss the truly boring things we did...they weren't ever boring when I was with him.  Even after 5 years of marriage, my heart still got the flutters when he came through the door.  I miss looking at the world with him by my side.

[mittam99]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Mitch, your post made me cry.  You share how much you miss Tammy but end with saying life is a blessing.

I was crying while I was typing it up, I'm surprised I had no typos.

I know it's hard to look at this new life of grief as being a blessing, but it is. We can take each day and accomplish as much or as little as we want. We can breathe the fresh, crisp Spring air and feel the warmth of the sunny skies. Yet, at the same time, it often feels cold and dark in our world. It is hard. This isn't the same life we had not too long ago and we aren't the same person in many ways.

Given the choice, none of us would be here, Our loved ones were taken from us way too early. But, here we are and we're still alive. It's just hard to get motivated when the one thing in your life that truly made you happy is gone. That's the challenge of this new life. Finding your way and to an extent redefining yourself and your goals for the future.

Having said all that, all we can do is wake up and face the day the best we can. Simple, right? As if.

 

[MartyT]

Sharing your thoughts, feelings and hopes so openly with your companions on this journey, as well as offering encouragement to all of us on this path, is no small accomplishment, Mitch, and I see you doing that, sometimes several times a day. Your contributions here matter, and I am grateful for your presence.  ♥

[mittam99]

Marty, thanks for the kind words. Posting my thoughts is important for my own sanity. What's left of it anyway.

It's also a wonderful thing if anything I write can ease someone else's pain or help in some small way,

You have a phenomenal community here. From what I've seen, the best grief based forum anywhere online. There are also some absolutely amazing members. A few of which I am proud to call friends. 

[MartyT]

Blessings to you for those very kind words, dear Mitch, and thank you  ♥

[mittam99]

We've all have dealt with people on our grief journey that just don't get what we're going through.

These words truly explain the futility of trying to get through to them:

[mittam99]

During Tammy's many years of being ill, maintaining our house fell way to the bottom of our priority list. Money for Tammy's healthcare and meds always came first. And money for food and clothing and gas and Katie's school related items and bills and incidentals... on and on.

Now, I look around (I've got a lot of time now to do that) and realize much of our house needs "sprucing up". So I'm doing many mini-projects. Trimming overgrown bushes, painting trim. fixing damaged window screens, shining up all the dull brass inside and outside and more.  It keeps me busy and gives me a sense of accomplishment. I guess it also shows that I'm trying to live a life with some sort of purpose. Of course, I'm not really sure what that purpose is yet.

A few months ago doing projects like this would have brought sadness and pain to my mind. "Why isn't Tammy here to see how nice this looks?" Or, "I feel guilty for having a few extra dollars for a project like this." Or, "I wish Tammy was here so I could tell her about it". While I still have those same feelings, I also have a bit of a smile on my face knowing she would have been happy with my effort and the results.

I think what I'm trying to say to those in the early stages of grief is that we do evolve over time. It's not that things ever get easy again, our old life is gone, after all. The person we wanted to share our life with, is gone. But we do learn to adapt somehow.

Will we ever be as happy as we were? No. But, I believe there is life after the death of our spouse.

A few months ago, I don't think I could have typed that.

 

[Froggie4635]

So true, Mitch.  Did you ever think you would find yourself in the place that you were 6 months ago?  It is wonderful that you can see it in yourself.  People have told me that they see the progress I have made, even if I don't.  Mini-projects is a great way to tackle everything.  My problem is that there are some projects that I want to undertake, and then there are the ones that Mark started and I cannot even think about touching them, or asking someone else to finish them.  His brother came around the first anniversary of his passing and installed the red stove top that Mark so wanted in the kitchen.  We got it for practically nothing, but it was black and he wanted it to be red, and found someone online who did that.  He made a crate to ship it in, and was SO tickled when it came back and was so excited about getting it put in.  But he never got to do that.  Having three dogs has hampered my getting a start on any of my projects.  It takes so much energy to go to work and come home and care for them, by evening I am tired.  Here in Texas, we will be running out of cool enough days to get outdoor projects finished.  

I have been working at getting my focus back so I can start working on my art again.  I put it aside a couple years ago when my dog, Annie died.  We got a young pup right away, and that meant he needed a lot of focus and attention; when I would work on my art, there were times when small pieces of stuff would fall to the floor, and you can't do that with a pup around.  I have started slowly on finding creative ways to touch the lives of others, and it give me an outlet for my sadness and grief.  I would have never been able to let my creativeness fly had it not been for Mark.  He was my biggest support and encouragement.  It is like starting from the very beginning now, and that takes a lot of energy.  I still have the "why bother" attitude when it comes to many things around the house. 

I started a new eating plan today.  I got on the scale and it wasn't as bad as I thought, but I need to do something.  I have been allowing myself non-stop comfort food. I am gonna try and not make too many changes, because if I push too far too fast, I will just go back to where I was.  It is kind of like having an awakening of spirit, but must do it in small batches.

Good to see you making such strides on your journey, Mitch.  

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

I have started slowly on finding creative ways to touch the lives of others, and it give me an outlet for my sadness and grief.  I would have never been able to let my creativeness fly had it not been for Mark.  He was my biggest support and encouragement. 

Maryann,

Mark's love and encouragement and your experiences together will influence your life forever. And that's a good thing.

It's wonderful to hear that you're finding a positive and creative outlet like that.

 

[hollowheart]

57 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

 I have started slowly on finding creative ways to touch the lives of others, and it give me an outlet for my sadness and grief.  I would have never been able to let my creativeness fly had it not been for Mark.  He was my biggest support and encouragement.  It is like starting from the very beginning now, and that takes a lot of energy.  I still have the "why bother" attitude when it comes to many things around the house. 

I started a new eating plan today.  I got on the scale and it wasn't as bad as I thought, but I need to do something.  I have been allowing myself non-stop comfort food. I am gonna try and not make too many changes, because if I push too far too fast, I will just go back to where I was.  It is kind of like having an awakening of spirit, but must do it in small batches.

Good to see you making such strides on your journey, Mitch.  

I have not written anything in almost 10 years, so I can barely call myself a writer anymore. At my last job there was guy I was friendly with who is an Artist and we would talk and he'd ask me if I had any creative energy when I got home. I never did then so you know I don't have any now. It's saddled with grief and depression and despair.

When I got to a point that I was getting back on my writing track, and on a healthy lifestyle--she passed away--and everything crashed and burned. It's like getting to the top of a mountain, miss stepping and sliding back to the base--for the third time. I'm tired. I just lost it on the comfort food and that is depressing. I was doing so well. I hate to see my doctor now, she will be disappointed.

I lost myself and I don't know how to get me back.

 

[scba]

Dear HH, I understand the way you feel. I feel lost, directionless. 

[Gwenivere]

Mitch, I don't seem to have the post you made referencing that maybe we hold into sadness and pain maybe to punish ourselves and guilt because we don't deserve happiness.  

I know for me that is not the case.  I can't think of anything to be punished for.  I don't feel guilt either.  I've always felt guilt and shame are useless emotions tho.  I think it is that we lost so much of ourselves that the concept of happiness was lost too.  True happiness anyway.  I don't know if it will come back.  When I find times (like you doing little things around the house that were on hold) I feel less pain, I long to hold onto them.  Not just because Steve wouldn't want me to feel this way, but because living life includes the positive emotions.  The fact they are out of reach right now makes it existence, not fully participating in being human.  That's why I feel like an outsider now.  I look the same, but I am not who I was at all.  My basic personality is there somewhere, but accessing it in full is not possible beyond maybe my political stand, choice of food, favorite color, etc.  The parts that laughed and knew joy are squelched.  Interest in what is going on is practically non existent.   Ever time I try and figure this out it always goes back to Steve.  How so much of me went numb when he left.  

[WolfsKat]

[brat#2]

I truly know the feeling of so much of me has gone numb since Dale left.  I used to love doing my crafts, artwork, puzzles and he would show such happiness to me when I got done with something.  He was my encouragement and now all that is gone.  I don't care about any of it.  I hope that some day it will come back to me, but until then I'm just holding on.  I thought I knew what a broken heart felt like too before this, but I truly had no idea.

WolfsKat, that quote so true

Joyce