It hurts so bad

[KATPILOT]

Mitch that is a tough one alright. I wish I could tell you how . I wish I could tell you when. I can however tell you yes! You will see the colors as they are not as they appear right now. It may sound strange and perhaps out there in left field, but I began to look at the flowers in my home as if she could see them through my eyes. There are so many "what if's" in grief because you just can't be certain what it's like to be on the other side where Tammy is. But you can wish. You can hope and you can dream. I don't believe there is a thing wrong with that either because there are so many "what if's", who knows what might be possible. 

You have that right George.  My worst day married was better than my best day widowed.  You would cut off your right arm if it would bring her back and you can say that because you would. Hang in there guys. It won't be this severe for ever. And, know what? Tomorrow is Tuesday.

[Guest Janka]

30 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

I have had a rough emotional day today as well. I don't know why other than it's Monday, the day of the week my wife died.Some days just look bleak.  Sometimes the harsh reality of loss just numbs my soul.  Even the worst day when my wife was alive was so much better than after her death.  Okay! Now this crying is giving me a headache. It's hard to perceive joy amidst the ashes of our remaining life.  Shalom

I´m so sorry,George,that you feel so bad.I do understand.I already stopped crying so much as I was having those terrible headaches you´re talking about.I pray for you and hope that approaching Easter may bring a peace,hope and strength you need so much.

I´m always here for you.

With love Janka

[scba]

"And when they ask you "Where is he?" you may reply "He is in my eyes. He is in my body. He is in my soul".

I don't own this quote, I don't know who said it, but I liked it and I hope this is going to happen to me. Of course I wish my BF would be back, but since I have to go on on my own, I hope to carry him with me with whatever means my human being allows me. We are forever the two of us. 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, mittam99 said:

 to put a dark cloud over everything. How will we ever truly see the joy in this world again?

I wish we knew the answer.  Some do find it quicker than others, but it still is punt tha same joy.  Maybe that is what is so hard to accept.  I'm always amazed when I feel 'alive' for a brief instant.  I guess I am not aiming for joy yet, or might not at all.  My goal is less pain.  Less being blindsided by triggers.  Less frustration and tears.  Not sure they are doable, but I keep hoping.  And hope is a word that wasn't part of my vocabulary for a very very long time.  Progress?  I don't know.

4 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

My worst day married was better than my best day widowed.  

Wow, I think back on some of the doozies of bad times we weathered and what you said is so true.  Steve used to always tell me he would rather have a bad day with me than a good day without.  How right he was.

[hollowheart]

Such a rough night last night. I couldn't sleep and woke up at 3:00 am and thought about my sister, missing her, until about 4:30 when I finally got sleepy again, then had to get back up at 6am. My dad has been helping me with my car, getting the registration for me and taking it to the dealer for stuff. Me, him and my Ma were sitting in the living room and he looked so tired. I just had a thought of--it's only the 3 of us when it used to be 4 of us. I hated it.

I'm just tired of being exhausted and mad, and tired and cranky and sad.

[brat#2]

Mitch, Gwen and Katpilot

I agree that finding joy again is going to be so difficult, but finding less pain would be great.  You are so right, some of the bad days Dale and I had were awful, but it was better having that bad day with him than not having him at all.

HH

I'm sorry you had a rough night.  Unfortunately we all have those nights and it does make it hard to go on the next day.  I totally get your feeling of tired of being exhausted, mad, cranky and sad, but am hoping for less of those feelings as time goes by.

Joyce

[hollowheart]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 My goal is less pain.  Less being blindsided by triggers.  Less frustration and tears.  Not sure they are doable, but I keep hoping. 

I hope for the same things. On days that hope crashes and burns are the worst days. I really do feel hopeless.

[mittam99]

Hmm...

I'm usually pretty good at putting on my "game face" at work. You know what I mean.. No matter what I'm feeling, I do a pretty good job of not letting people see the pain I'm in. The past two days though, two people at work have told me "you don't seem like yourself" and "you're in a bad mood". Oddly, it feels like I'm putting on my normal work "game face". Maybe it's the anniversary of Tammy's death that's doing this... I'm not sure. I'm being friendly to people, I'm trying to smile, it feels like I'm doing what I usually do. Maybe I simply can't hide the pain anymore. This grieving life is so freaking hard.

[kayc]

Mitch, Anv. of death it's pretty hard to conceal your feelings.

[hollowheart]

We may be doing what we usually do but our mind is constantly playing our pain. It is not always easy to hide that. No one knows what those dates on the calendar mean to us but us, or whatever trigger that may get to you.  I  hate stupid questions like "you dont' seem like yourself today.' Well, you're not yourself. Not anymore.

[mittam99]

2 hours ago, hollowheart said:

I  hate stupid questions like "you dont' seem like yourself today.' Well, you're not yourself. Not anymore.

It's the new version of us, I guess. Kinda the opposite of "new and improved". More like "broken and shattered".

[mittam99]

Today, I made some changes at home and it feels weird. I finally put the two plates in the dishwasher that Tammy and I ate our last meal together on. I know it sounds nuts to have left the plates in the same spot for over a year but something inside me wouldn't allow me to move them.

Tammy also had a special chair for the shower that I've kept in the tub. I don't use it and every time I'd shower, I'd take it out and put it back in after. Last night I dismantled it and put it in a closet. I feel guilty in a way. Taking it apart was painful and tearful.

I've never been one who likes change. Losing Tammy was of course more than just "a change". It's a devastation in every way. My life will never, ever have the measure of joy I had with Tammy in it. Putting things away (or removing them) that Tammy used or touched or wore is a step that confuses me. There still is that part of me that wonders if Tammy still needs that chair to take her showers in. Or still needs her robe that's hanging exactly where it always did. Am I doing the right thing?

I do know Tammy is here with me. She's proven that to me on a number of occasions. I can't see her, I can't hear her voice. Yet she's here. I feel her love always. I sometimes wonder if she's frustrated that I can't see her or hear her. I talk to her often. I still want to make her happy in every way I can.

I just hope she's ok with me putting that chair away.

Writing this down in a post like this may seem silly to some. But, I'm sure my words will resonate with some of you.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Froggie4635]

Dear MItch,

We have two showers in our home, and the one that Mark always used has not been touched and it is coming up on 16 months.  His razor is still sitting on top of the bar of soap in the corner of the shower, his towel is still hanging there and the bottles of shampoo are sitting on the towel rack.  I just started cleaning off the top of the vanity; putting his colognes in a special basket where I can see them when I walk in there.  He had two robes and they are both still hanging on the back of the bedroom door.  There is one last beer that he liked and his bacon fat is in my fridge, along with the last of a bag of coffee he adored and a roll of Kodachrome film.  I have gone through some things, but much of his things are sitting there.  I did give away a Yamaha keyboard I had given him for Christmas a few years back.  I have given away a couple of his power tools to his brothers.  I know Mark wouldn't want certain things sitting around not being used, but I have told everyone that I would NEVER sell anything that was his.  It is all part of the process.  There is something about being able to touch something that they touched, where their fingers had been.  

You are doing so well with your journey, Mitch.  I know Tammy would be very proud of you and she is taking it along with you...giving you love and strength on those times when you need it most.  Like I have seen quotes so many places...Love NEVER Dies.

[kayc]

George's closet rod broke a couple weeks after his death so I folded his clothes and boxed them up, where they sat for two months and then I gave them to a charity I knew he would want them to go to.  Several years later, out of work and broke, I sold his "Wave" knife, and I cried when I had to mail it.  But I knew he would want me to eat.  His bathrobe still hangs on the door like it always did and sometimes I take it down and hold it.  His hat is still hanging on the hook, and his dish where he threw his stuff is still here.  Other than that, I pretty much got rid of things little by little, giving my son his toolbucket, etc.  It's hard to make these changes and I feel it's so important to take our time with them and not force it.  If all their stuff is still here when we die, so be it!

[brat#2]

Dear Mitch

I completely understand, I have not moved or gotten rid of anything of Dale's yet, only the medications he was on (couldn't look at them anymore to remind me of how sick he was).  Everything is still where it was when he was here with me and in the exact same place that he left it.  I know Dale would like his stuff (tools, clothes, etc) to be used, especially by people he knew, but I just can't get rid of them yet.  I know Tammy understands for putting the chair away, as it will make your "shower" time easier for you and she is watching you and with you and if she could, tell you it's ok.  I know when and if (like Kay said, if it's all still here when I die, so be it)  it is going to be very difficult for me to make those changes.  I'm sending you hugs and positive thoughts to make this easier.

Joyce  

[iheartm]

I am finding that I don't believe in anything anymore.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

If all their stuff is still here when we die, so be it!

That is the point I have reached also.  I got rid of and moved a lot of things in the beginning and had plans for more down the line, but as the grief intensified, I just don't care to delve into that stuff.  Maybe someday, but the changes I made were more than enough now.  I'll be leaving behind a whole house of things.  I figure that it what the executor is for.  I just want to find a way to live in our  home and find some solace in it again.  That means more to me than finding a home for his grill or tools.  Plus seeing them gone would impact me more now.  Getting rid of the medical stuff, his clothes and boxes of computer parts because they were tripping hazards was enough.  His bathroom and dresser are the same as they were.  

[Gwenivere]

56 minutes ago, iheartm said:

I am finding that I don't believe in anything anymore.

I feel the same.  I'm happy for all of you that feel your partners, but I don't.  All I feel is cold, emptiness and that I will never see him again.  All I feel see memories and there will never be any new ones to add.  I try and keep those in check as they intensify just how lonely life feels now.  

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, iheartm said:

I am finding that I don't believe in anything anymore.

It's totally understandable. You're just a few months into your grief journey. It's so hard to believe what has happened to your life. Hard to fathom what kind of future you'll have. You probably are questioning everything that you once believed in. And it's all to be expected under the circumstances.

If you're anything like me, posting and venting here at the forum will help. Unlike people in our "real" world, our forum members are understanding and truly enlightened to this torturous thing we call grief.

[Gin]

Al's robe is still hanging in the bathroom.  Some shirts are still on the doorknob.  All his tools are in the garage.  Don't know how I will ever deal with them.  He had lots of baseball hats, still where they were.  We would get him a new one when we went on a trip.  It is so very hard. 

[hollowheart]

Getting rid of things is to final. I have been avoiding it because I could, but I dread the day I have to do something for real. Looking at all my sisters things knowing she won't ever use them again brings all the grief right back up. I just can't stand it sometimes.

[Gin]

Gwen,.  I have never felt Al or dreamt of him.  I look at his pictures every day and wish for some contact, but it never comes.

[KATPILOT]

Exactly!  The first years are unsettling at best. You can't be certain of anything and you begin to trust nothing. How can you when the one you love dies with no control over it?  I went from having a pretty good grip on things to being incredibly insecure and I mean about everything. What you said TH about getting from one end of the day to the other with as few mishaps as possible would be a good day. I'm still not that cocky guy who had a plan for every contingency. I think we all have found ourselves wondering what's next.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Gin said:

Gwen,.  I have never felt Al or dreamt of him.  I look at his pictures every day and wish for some contact, but it never comes.

I have dreamt of Steve, but only once was it a comfort.  Others I couldn't get to him because of crowds or some other obstacle.  I'm not sure 'feeling' him around would be good or bad for me meaning would it really bring me comfort or possibly keep me in a yearning phase that is so horrible now that I want to just miss him and not be so traumatized inside.  The loss is so huge that I'm not sure I could handle feeling him but not be able to interact fully.  Truly a dilemma.

[kevin]

Brat#2....Spring cleaning/recycle is a term we use to get rid of items we no longer need but can be of use to others. Last summer we had a major Forest Fire and there was a demand for everything. I didn't hesitate in donating boxes of Angela's cloths, it seemed only Natural. I used this time to purge my own wardrobe and donated to the same cause.. What I'm saying Brat#2, its pretty easy to move your husbands belongings to a good cause if you move some of your own....you do feel good about it.........Good plan to repeat this every few years......good luck Kevin