kayc

Everything you say is normal and doesn't surprise me in the least. It is common to push back grief by keeping busy. When we experience new losses, be it a person or job or home or health, it triggers the old loss and makes it all magnified and fresh. You've found a very caring place to be where others are going through the same thing, we are here for you.

I tend to think of practical issues and wonder if it could have legal financial ramifications for you as it could assail his "estate". You might want to consult legal counsel before doing anything. I'm sorry, I just think of these things... I don't know if it would help the family to know or if it would stir up things that they've just finally laid to rest, who can know. Anyone out there that's been through something like this? If so, what are your thoughts?

Melina, (((hugs))) Kay

Zubeir, It is good to hear from you again and I'm glad you have someone who is good to you. I'm also glad you feel that getting away was a good decision for you! Kay

Cheryl made me cry with her gesture, that was so sweet, this really is a wonderful group of people, is it any wonder I still come here after six years?! Dwayne, I'm glad you are in the choir...I was in choir today too as well as helping on the morning worship team. This heat wave we've been having is draining me, it saps my energy, I haven't done anything all day and now need to walk the dogs in it. But I'm thankful it's not a tornado or snow, it could be worse! I was proud I'd been able to keep my Diabetes at bay so that's why I felt a failure when I had to join the ranks of all those who require "help" managing it. Ahh well, my body is what it is, bad genes and all...I continue to walk twice a day and eat healthy and am active, don't know what more I can do. Well the dogs are calling me to come walk them (one at a time now)...

I think LIMBO is a perfect word to describe where we find ourselves "afterwards". Not feeling the energy/purpose/drive to do the things that we used to do together, even things we know we have to do...like cleaning out a storage shed. It's as if we try to put off those things. We feel lackluster and don't find real joy and purpose like we used to have. Oh we know there are the little joys, maybe seeing grandchildren (which I don't have yet) and our pets keep us going, and some find purpose like Dwayne enrolling in nursing, but for so many of us, no matter how much time passes, we feel we are stuck in this limboland where life is not the same and we don't know how to get back to how we used to feel. The truth is, we don't. Those days, those dreams, those feelings, that sharing, that is gone. But we do find it life more cope able than it used to be, we don't cry as often, we learn to live with our loss and our aloneness, although some days are still a struggle. We stop expecting them to come back and rescue us from this lethargy of non-existence. We stop listening for their voice that we know will not come. We stop hoping to see them come in through the door. We get new jobs, we move, we make new friends...but still, there is something inside of us that seems missing...and it is. For me it is that George-shaped hole in my heart...and that is a tribute to him, to how much he meant to me, how much he affected my existence, how much he wormed his way into my heart...that "missing him" ache that continues day after day no matter what I do. Something funny has happened to me this year...I don't try to replace him or squelch the pain or emptiness...I accept it, it just is what it is, and it is how things will be the rest of my life, and I've learned to live with it. This IS my life, it's all that I have. It has it's phases...I had a phase where George was in it and now that phase has passed and I am alone, but it's okay, if I talk to him or write to him and people think I'm nuts, that's okay too...this IS my life as I know it. Will I ever know true happiness again? I doubt it, not like I had, but I have accepted this is my life and this is it's newest phase, and if I find a little joy here and there along the way, that is good.

I don't believe we just "cease to exist". I haven't "seen signs" nor do I think everyone does. Life, to me, seems to change form...some believe in another place you go to, some believe in reincarnation, but pretty much all of us believe people continue on in our memories and hearts. It's is hard for me to believe that George, as vibrant as he was, could just suddenly not be...it makes more sense to me that he is somewhere, and I don't try to figure it all out, I don't have to know all of the answers, just accept that this is what is now and I believe we will be reunited again some day...but our spirits aren't ever that far away.

Well you seem to be realizing things a lot faster than the rest of us did...it's been 13 months yesterday since Jim broke up with me and I am just realizing some of these things after a year away. I wish him well too but no longer trust or have my heart open.

Patty, Thank you for giving us an update, it is encouraging to hear. Mary just posted a link in "three Unbearable Days" that was very good, I wish I could have read it six years ago, it would have aided my journey...I hope you get a chance to look at it.

Thank you Mary. I like what she said, "I prefer to call these emotions “dark,” because I like the image of a rich, fertile, dark soil from which something unexpected can bloom." I have never thought of it in that way.

Pam, Those two things could definitely do it, I'm sorry! (((hugs))) Kay

Interesting take... The first thing she wrote was probably one of the most important to remember. Yes we grieve but we don't need the trauma as she puts it...when our ex says to us "It's not you, it's me."...believe them. Chances are they're right. It's not us, it's them. Remember not to personalize even though it hurts like hxll and it sure FEELS personal...don't own their breakup, it's theirs, they chose it and let them have it. As for us...it's good for us (with time and with a heck of a lot of grieving meanwhile) to move on from it...don't give them the power to wound us forever, tell yourself no matter what it feels like right now, you're going to be okay...eventually.

Thank you for the suggestion, Marty! It's a good idea...

Dwayne, I'm glad to hear about your unemployment extension, that's great news! I know how you're feeling...the stress I've been under has wreaked havoc with my health. I got my blood test results and my doctor said the stress releases cortisol in my system which makes my cholesterol and blood sugar levels go up so she has to put me on medicine for it. Up until now I've managed my Diabetes with diet and exercise so it makes me feel like a failure. ANOTHER medicine! I wish I didn't have to be on any! It's so neat to hear about the flower, that is so cool! I love to hear about people's "signs"...I don't seem to get them but I still think it's neat.

I'm really sorry you lost her, she's so cute and I can tell how much a part of your life she became. It does help to write about it, when we grieve, we need to be heard and our feelings validated, all the more since we felt stripped of our power in that no one asked us if this is what we wanted to happen. I find it helps to regain power wherever we can, by being heard and making choices that we can. Memorializing them in some way helps too, a grave marker or special urn, or some way of doing something on their behalf. My heart goes out to you in your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss, it doesn't get any easier, in fact, as you have already discovered, a fresh loss triggers old losses and it seems we're dealing with multiple ones at once no matter how long it's been. I hope it starts getting more bearable for you soon.

Cheryl, I just read your first post, but I will go back and read the others. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! It sounded like something out of Erma Bombeck! I could so relate to it all except I'm not sure I'd have had the gumption to try to start with...but maybe if I didn't know better... Anyway, I hope it's wearing off and I'm sure it'd be a great time to go in for a manicure. (((hugs)))

Mary, (((hugs))) Kay

We don't live...not like we did before. Life has a dulled cast to it now...the joy, the purpose, the light of our lives is gone. In it's places resides the struggle, the aloneness, the pain. But I don't like to say that...to say that is to not give hope to anyone going through this. Some people make it through this and find some happiness, but I don't seem to have been one of them. Still, some people come to my mind, their outcome has been different. I have concluded that there is and never will be another George and it's foolish to hope for life to ever be like it was. Still, I do hold out hope for grandbabies someday...maybe that'll help, I don't know.

I remember that day so well too...I was fixing breakfast, it was about 7:00 am (PST) and my son came running in and told me to turn on the tv, that the twin towers had been hit. I was shocked! I watched the footage in horror. It was the month before George and I were getting married and we'd been in such bliss...such a stark contrast to what transpired across our country. The victims' families still continue in my prayers. 911 is also the birthday of my kids' friend Jorma who has passed away from failed liver, he was only 27 when he died...he left behind his twin brother. Jorma worked with me for a while at my last job and stayed with me for a bit after George died, it's hard to believe he's gone...so 911 has special meaning for me.

Dwayne, I hope you enjoy your day with Greg and Donna today!

That's smart. When Jim started talking to me again, he really confused me with his mixed messages, and it hurt me all over again, so I had to toughen my heart against him so he can't get into it.

Lucia, Thank you for sharing that...and it couldn't be soon enough for me (to be with him), sometimes it seems like a dream and doesn't seem real (does he really exist? Did I dream him up?)...it seems so long ago to me, since that life we had.

Dwayne, I too am sorry you are sick and alone. I know all too well, it is how I was feeling when I broke my elbow, I couldn't even get my Rx bottles open and it was hard getting dressed or going to the bathroom with no help. It made my eyes sting as I knew if my George was here, he'd be taking care of me. I miss him. But I survived the last two months and so have you, somehow. So you and Harry will both be facing the first wedding anniversaries "without"...that is rough, I remember all too well, but somehow we get through this and more. Harry is in my prayers and so you will also be, Dwayne. I was so excited because I thought my son had sold my pickup, but the guy backed out after saying he'd buy it, he was trying to haggle him down and saying stuff was wrong with it that wasn't, my son has gone through everything in that truck, it's in tip top shape and squeaky clean. Then Craigslist isn't showing the listing and we don't know why, tried redoing it but they have it blocked for some reason so we'll have to wait until next week to try again. It's so aggravating because it's ready to sell and just because of a gliche of some sort, they won't list it and of course there's no one to get a hold of about it. I tried reporting the problem to them but just got an automated response that had nothing to do with what I'd written. Then the muffler blew out in the other truck I want to sell so had to spend $64 on a new one and my son will have to put that in, always something. Ah well, my friend, we'll get through it all...one day at a time.

Amazing, isn't it! I have been out of work for three months and have only three more months to get a job before I'm in serious trouble...Jim has a spare bedroom yet won't even offer to rent it to me...my dog means the world to me and most won't rent to you if you have a big dog, Jim is very familiar with my dog, still...nada. How did they go from being our fiances who were going to spend their lives with us to totally not caring if we lived or died, just overnight?!