Froggie4635 Posted December 4, 2016 Report Share Posted December 4, 2016 Today is a very solemn day. I do not write this to make others sad, or to seek sympathy. Two years ago, I lost the love of my life. A wonderful man full of life, happy, oh, so funny and smarter than anyone I had ever met before in my life. The only thing, he said, that was missing in his life was love. He was good at loving me, and he gave me the greatest joy. He was my rock; my other half. He could make me see things in a very different way. He loved his family and w...as true to all the things in his life. He wasn't perfect, but who of us can say we are. He had his struggles, and the only good thing about his loss is that he doesn't struggle with them anymore. There continues to be a very large hole in my life that is Mark shaped. How could I not feel such a void? He deserves to have his story told, and his memory kept alive. The world is a lot duller without him here. He was my very best friend and taught me so many things, one of the most important was how to accept love. He was the answer to all those prayers about finding someone who would love me for me; someone who would accept all the love I had to give. He did, and gave it back a hundredfold. He had the biggest heart. He has a large family that is missing him, too. My heart hurts for them. It is hard each day to want something I cannot have...to have him walking through the door, whistling one of his tunes and looking at me with those wonderful eyes. I am thankful that I have no regrets when it comes to our love. I have peace in the fact that Mark KNEW he was loved. I always made it a priority...to make sure that a day did not go by without him knowing how I felt. I don't shed as many tears as I once did. That does not mean that I don't feel the tremendous void his loss has left in my life. I work every day to keep myself from slipping into the abyss. I smile more now, and have found ways to find joy, mostly in the things I do to honor Mark. I keep him actively in my life in whatever way feels right. He would smile at some of the ways. I am not sure when I turned that corner of not wanting to feel sad all the time. Nothing has changed in my life. I still go to work at the same place, and live in the same home. I still only have my three wonderful furry children, who make sure I know they love me. Perhaps I have learned how to wear the badge of widowhood, how to carry that weight. It does not mean I have given away my right to fall down into the mud and wallow in my hurt. I can't explain where the shift came from, but I wanted to share. Perhaps my heart has finally heard the whispers from Mark to try and find joy and know that he is with me for the rest of my days; that I no longer need to hold so tightly, afraid that I would forget. I would STILL give anything to be able to have him back, but have accepted that is not a possibility. I feel for those who are just beginning their unwanted journey, but hope to be a sign that there will be light again. It is not my intention to shower everyone with rainbows, so please do not be hurt by my words. I would hate that. I have avoided posting until now for that reason. Peace be with you all. 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted December 4, 2016 Report Share Posted December 4, 2016 A beautiful tribute to your Mark, Maryann. Never apologize for your newfound peace. It is what we are all seeking. I have yet to reach the plateau you have found. I have been worried about you and am glad that you posted. Your Fellow Texan. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted December 4, 2016 Report Share Posted December 4, 2016 Thank you for sharing your tribute to Mark it was beautiful and tells your love story amazingly. Your story is an inspiration to me it gives me hope that I can find peace one day even if not today thank you for sharing. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted December 4, 2016 Report Share Posted December 4, 2016 Maryann I'm sorry this day had to come once again though sadly it must happen every year. Your words speak of strength that you have built over these past two years and even if you might not recognize it, it's there. My thoughts are with you this day. Your friend, Steve 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted December 4, 2016 Report Share Posted December 4, 2016 Maryann, beautifully written and thank you for sharing and giving me hope that some day I might find some peace. Joyce 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted December 4, 2016 Report Share Posted December 4, 2016 Maryann- Thinking about you today. I hope you find peace. Brad 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted December 4, 2016 Report Share Posted December 4, 2016 Peace to you today, Maryann. Gin 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted December 4, 2016 Report Share Posted December 4, 2016 Wonderfully written and spoken from the heart. I am still on that journey and struggle for that peace and acceptance. It is nice to hear from people who have traversed this grief trail and show us beacons of hope that we just can not see yet. Next week will be our wedding anniversary. It was such a happy day then and now I'm trying to figure out how to honor the day that symbolized our marriage covenant, December 9th. We always had a nice meal together along with some other celebrations. - Shalom 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 4, 2016 Report Share Posted December 4, 2016 Maryann, what a beautiful and heartfelt message. I am also entering my 3rd year without Steve, but have not achieved what you have. I'd ask what is your secret, but I know there isn't one. I cannot be hurt by your words, but perhaps a bit envious. But that is my burden. It's always good to hear when someone feels some light again. I'm glad you are feeling that and hope that continues. Maybe it is because the 'badge' gets a little lighter. We drag it around for such a long time it seems. Wearingbsounds better than dragging. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted December 4, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2016 Dear Gwen, I can tell you something that was part of what has helped. The film "PS I Love You". The first time I watched it, I really cried because I felt the pain of the main character, Holly. But I began to watch it multiple times, and I began to see how the other characters each helped her. I now know it enough to recite lines from the movie. It had nothing really to do with how the spouse died, or how long they were together, or how old they were. It was about her, Holly, and how the loss of her spouse affected her and the aspects of her life and how her spouse helped her along her journey. I highly recommend it. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted December 4, 2016 Report Share Posted December 4, 2016 I will try to watch that, Maryann... What a beautiful expression of your Love. I loved when you wrote that Mark KNEW you loved him. Sometimes when I said "I love you" Ron would say, "I know." before saying he loved me too. It wasn't smug of course, the way he said it, it was an affirmation that he saw it, felt it, and I was manifesting it to him. I could count on, with confidence, that he knew that everything I did and said -- it was all done within the warm glowing womb of love. And that gave me the confidence to be fully and honestly myself in everything I did and said. Patty 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 5, 2016 Report Share Posted December 5, 2016 I've been avoiding death sentimentality movies and shows. I was never into romance stuff and afraid it might consume me. I had a hard time watching Finding Dory because it was a feel good movie I normally would have loved. I think I ran from the deep pain as long as I could and now have to pay up. I'll see if I can work up the courage for the movie Maryann recommended. I have a couple of books about grief I put aside and know I need to get into. Kinda in conflict with trying to brace for the holidays, but maybe that is a good thing. Didn't mean to sidetrack your good news, Maryann. It definitely got me to thinking about efforts I can make. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted December 5, 2016 Report Share Posted December 5, 2016 I hope you continue to find peace and Joy ,even . on your journey Maryann... Thanks for sharing... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 5, 2016 Report Share Posted December 5, 2016 Maryann, thinking of you as you hit those landmarks again, I'm glad you're finding your way and adjusting to your life. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted December 6, 2016 Report Share Posted December 6, 2016 On 12/4/2016 at 11:00 PM, Gwenivere said: I have a couple of books about grief I put aside and know I need to get into. Gwen, my dear, one book recently published that you may find helpful is The Other Side of Complicated Grief: Hope in the Midst of Despair, by Rhonda O'Neill. You can read about Rhonda on her website, The Other Side of Complicated Grief and on her Facebook page. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted December 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2016 Gwen, I purchased that book, also. It is very good, even if you only read a little at a time. I was thinking about the movie I suggested, and something in it that really helped me. The gist of the story is the main character gets letters that were written by her late husband, to help her move forward as she grieved his loss. I don't want to give away anything, but there was a line from one of the letters that REALLY helped me... " If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you’re sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you’ll try to see yourself through my eyes. " It helped me to think of Mark telling me the same thing...that he understood I would be sad or unsure and not know what to do next, or question why, instead of all the people telling me that Mark wouldn't want me to be so sad, and he would want me to go on without him. I know my husband would be selfless enough to want that for me...but to think of him understanding my sadness enough to tell me to try and see myself as he saw me. It really hit me when watching. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 6, 2016 Report Share Posted December 6, 2016 That thought really helps, Maryann. I, too get so tired of people telling me Steve would not want me to feel this way, yet he would totally understand why I do. I have thought of the times I miss him so much because he did tell me how he saw me when I would get discouraged. But I didnt think to go to those times and should. Only he knew the things to say about what I did that people didn't know about. The blanket 'he would not want me to feel this way' doesn't know those things. The things that made you feel good inside about yourself and relationship with them thru thier eyes. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 7, 2016 Report Share Posted December 7, 2016 Thank you for the book recommendation, Marty. I'm building quite a validating library with all the help I have gotten here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dew's Girl Posted December 7, 2016 Report Share Posted December 7, 2016 Maryann, you are in my thoughts. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 7, 2016 Report Share Posted December 7, 2016 20 hours ago, Gwenivere said: I, too get so tired of people telling me Steve would not want me to feel this way, yet he would totally understand why I do. George too, he's the one person in the world that really "got me" and understood me completely. He wouldn't "tell" me how I should feel, he would hold me, and I like to think of his spirit holding me still. That's where I go... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted December 7, 2016 Report Share Posted December 7, 2016 Good place to go Kay. I like to think that they are indeed holding us still. That's my Christmas wish. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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