My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

Spent another extra lonely Saturday night last night.  The sadness deepens every day now with all the maladies and chores piling up.  Worries about my oldest dog.  My pandemic style of keeping my hair up all day so I don’t have to wash it as often.  After watching a show I recorded tried listening to some ol SNL's and kept seeing the dates and going Steve saw that one, was gone for that one.  Put on my socks and saw my feet were blue again. Every time I stood up it hurt so badly.  So sick of oxygen tubing and stepping on it and dragging it around.  Went to bed after lifting Ally in there.  Woke up hearing Steve’s voice.  Friend coming by to stock the dog food and chat.  Then another Zoom chat before I go out and get a paper and dinner.  Planning on doing finances tonight.  A once ritual thing where Steve would have to explain his Amazon purchases and I’d decide if they came out if his play allowance or it was a household expense. He always had this look he was in the principals office.  So cute.  Now it’s just making sure my receipts match up to charges as I find mistakes by companies.  Already know there is a $50 overpayment to my therapist he didn’t catch.  Basically a tedious job to kill time but needed.  Lots of details for such a boring thing.  Says a lot about my so called life.

I keep wondering how long I can do this ritual of another day not seeing anything I ever used to do that made it feel.....full.  Heck, I’d settle for half a tank.  If it isn’t from within me, it’s the depressing restrictions of the pandemic and how long it will be much less changing interactions in the future.  They keep talking about going back to life as usual, but it never will be.  The only ones I see coming out unscathed are children too young to remember and growing up in a changed society from what we knew.  As much as I appreciate Zoom, I hate it.  It’s a tease.  Can look but can’t touch and nothing cozy about voice transmitted thru a computer.   

I keep worrying something is neurologically wrong.  I’m so unable to focus, clumsy and lightheaded.  I haven’t changed any meds so I’m guessing stress.  That can be a killer.  So little exercise, again dangerous.  Living life on the phone putting out fires instead of scheduling other stuff like sprucing up the carpets, getting a toilet fixed, a tree down, all kinds of things I’d rather devote my energy to but it’s sapped by crap I hate.  

Well, a friend has shown up to do some chores.  Hope I can pull off the social act.  It’s pretty alien to me now.  I’m sure I’ll hear all about his full life.  He’s doing well which I am glad to hear.  He was really sympathetic about how hard this would be alone.  Stocked dog food, fixed a blind and unpacked bottled water.  Says he’ll be back sooner than later so I guess I’m still OK to be around.  Resident at Foss called me last night.  Nice to catch up.  Hoping after Zoom call now I can limp thru my outings. I’m noticing I am preferring being alone and that is a bad thing.

[Margm]

Understand this.  Do not want to get out.  I read all night and when I wake up after 1:00 p.m. I say "why" and I could go back to  sleep.  And now is the time we need a counselor for Bri about socializing, but we cannot socialize.  To top it all off we have nothing but rain.  And, I guess that is a good thing, it is a self limiting weather where you cannot go anyhow.  Scott was wanting a Humphries last night about midnight..  No stores are staying open, not even sure this store is open a full day.  We are all in a "new day" and we are all in it together.  I keep trying to think of some reason Billy was taken instead of me.  Not feeling sorry for myself.  Just wondering what I need to change to make myself a better person.  Not sure I can.  

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, KarenK said:

The pain got me up after 4 hours of sleep at 6 AM so I took another pain pill and put an ice pack on it. Are we having fun yet?

Karen:  So sorry you're still in discomfort.  Teeth pain can be so awful.  It just doesn''t seem to get easier anymore.  In my thoughts, Dee

[scba]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Understand this.  Do not want to get out.  I read all night and when I wake up after 1:00 p.m. I say "why" and I could go back to  sleep.  And now is the time we need a counselor for Bri about socializing, but we cannot socialize.  To top it all off we have nothing but rain.  And, I guess that is a good thing, it is a self limiting weather where you cannot go anyhow.  Scott was wanting a Humphries last night about midnight..  No stores are staying open, not even sure this store is open a full day.  We are all in a "new day" and we are all in it together.  I keep trying to think of some reason Billy was taken instead of me.  Not feeling sorry for myself.  Just wondering what I need to change to make myself a better person.  Not sure I can.  

Oh, I'm an early bird. I cannot stay in bed for more than an hour. I generally don't fall asleep again. My thoughts start racing (to nowhere) so I get up.

I'm thinking at your question, what I would need to change to be a better person.....

[KarenK]

My teeth are like a comedy of errors only I'm not laughing. Two visits back, my dentist tried to fill a groove  in my one remaining molar but the tooth kept crumbling. He did the best he could with it. This afternoon I discovered that the back side of that tooth is crumbling, so  guess I'll go in when this infection is gone. I guess I might as well laugh. Sure can't do anything else.

[Margm]

Karen, my mom blamed herself for my bad teeth.  She said she did not take calcium while pregnant.  I don't know about that but my dentist was a short walk down the street from my school and I think even my front teeth had fillings by the time I was 15.  It was too much pain for a kid to go  through. By 19, I was at the oral surgeon having the top plate put in.  The teeth had roots eaten up with little non-malignant tumors.  Finally when I retired at 55, I had all the bottom teeth pulled.  I have never been so relieved.  But the oral surgeon left a chip of tooth or bone that made my throat swell and had to have surgery on my neck a few years ago and that chip removed.  Had infected down into my throat.  Then they wanted to put in the screw ones and total price was $9,000.  I could not afford that.  My bottom gums are not sufficient for a plate.  I wear one anyhow.  My situation with the ruptured colon will not allow me to take antibiotics chronically, which is what I would have to do.  I asked were the $9,000 application of the screws guaranteed.  They  said "no."  I do okay with dentures.  I have no choice.  Will not go through with that toothache horror again.  (For me), it is not worth it.  I've had toothaches all my childhood, will not go through it again. No one knew what destroyed the roots of my teeth, but they called them little tumors.  Not malignant. Years later my daughter is checked often, has had her female organs removed, has had little tumors on her brain, and is constantly checked and had some destroyed with radiation.  They are called teratomas, and when she was just out of her teens they destroyed her ovaries, etc.  They do not do like a malignant cancer, although some can turn into cancer, but they grow in one place, and not spread like cancer, but just grow large.  She has had many destroyed with radiation.  I wish you better luck with your teeth than I have had.  It seems though you have constant toothache pain, and for the money it costs, it is not worth it, for me.  Cannot do it anymore anyhow.  I'm not going to bother with the screw in, you wear dentures anyhow with them, they just anchor them down.  Some people have had a lot of luck with them and the price is not as bad now.  

[kayc]

Karen, I am so sorry as I know how painful (and expensive) teeth can be, have surely bought my dentist a retirement home in HA by now with all of the root canals, tooth restorations, pulled teeth, crowns, and bridges, one of which I lost with the supportive tooth.  Have 8 upper and 8 lower left and one is a bridge, all crowned but two.  I have had nights where I could have put my fist through the wall.  My dentist and I knew each other well, he even gave me his home phone for emergencies, this was in the day before answering services took over.

Marg, been through the chips left in thing too, having to go to Endodontists for extracting, $2000+ 40 years ago.  Probably would have to sign over my car for them today.  Never had dental coverage when I needed it.

[Gwenivere]

For our generation, teeth are a real problem.  I skimped on brushing mine as a kid, hated milk and had way too many procedures done by 18.  Then I went years never seeing a dentist.  Only went in for emergencies.  The only thing that has saved them til now, which failures are happening with age, was getting into the 2 yearly cleanings.  I’m just hoping to get patched up enough tomorrow as I have so many other things to attend to physically and mentally.

My elder dog didn’t come see me when the alarm went off this morning.  Very unlike her.  My first thought is something happened.  She finally showed up after I got dressed.  I couldn’t bring myself to look in the living room if she was OK til I had myself together.  I also am walking with the oddest hip sensations, like it’s going to give out.  Very scary and disorienting.  

So I look at why I bother to get up, as you have talked about many times, Marg.  All this counseling seeking a reason to keep going on.  I’m glad you have Bri to give you motivation, tho I know it pains you to see  her in distress.  I look at my choices and inevitables going forward.  (Tho it rarely feels like going forward, more like stuck in place or losing ground). Pain or surgeries.  Knowing one day I will have to let Ally go.  Never will have a partner again and that closeness not even a best friend could fill.  Heck, not even having any close friends as it’s been for years.  Turning more and more to strangers to help with things that just weren’t that big of a deal.  I’m fully aware age takes its toll, but I feel ripped off by a decade for my stuff.  That really matters to me as I lost one already to Steve’s cancer and the grief so far.  Couldn’t I have my body a little better for a bit?  Just as a minor respite?   And if it’s not a physical fight, it’s with medical billing,  mistakes or constant fires I have to solve or kickstart someone.  

Then bring on the pandemic.  Let’s make life even tougher for everyone, especially people struggling against loneliness and more loss.  All those commercials about 'being in this together' just churn my stomach.  I sat last night absolutely stumped at something to do.  Not one thing appealed.  I felt very ill from dinner and like I was burning up.  No fever.  Just wanted to go to sleep as always and stay there forever.  Sometimes dreams and I’m free or nothingness.  Both suit me fine.  

The buddy that came over yesterday and did some chores and repairs for me made me see just how removed I am from life.  He has found projects and works from home AND has his wife.  All I could say about what’s going on for me revolved around being alone trying to handle it all.  All he could say was 'I can’t imagine how hard that would be'.  And he’s right.  Then he was off to his day glad it was a holiday today so he could play more.  Maybe BBQ with the wife.  Take a walk together.   Talk with another human being about normal daily stuff!  

I’m off to my pathetic list just so I can cross things off.  Wind a clock, drive to the PO to drop off a DVD jut to get out, maybe pick up something to go with ribs I should be excited about for dinner.  Watch the world go by without me not by my own choice.  No way of jumping back in.  Physically or pandemicaly unable.  Have counseling via Zoom later and we’ll rehash this mess as we always do.  Get to fill him in on my other acquaintance's dog dying that adds to the mess.  

Talk about crazy........I can’t even call anywhere to start putting out the weeks fires even tho I hate it.  Holidays suck, IMO.  It’s also drizzly and gloomy out.  Guess at beats the high heat we have coming at weeks end.  My house gets too hot as do I in general.  

So glad you guys are here.  Out there I have to act like the (blah to the phrase) new normal.  Keep to myself, watch people avoid me, hear that ,have a great evening' line.  I feel like I’m just boring you all to tears, but it helps me even if no one reads it.  I just need to feel a part of something.  Here I do.  Maybe one day I’ll post something good in my life.  I’ve been making sure I give a buck to people I see with signs.  Sadly, they are so vulnerable but so much more friendly than people at the stores except the great cashiers and employees that are heroes to do what they do.  

[Margm]

My oral surgeon just walked out on me and said if it got  too bad to  come back.  No payment plan, nothing.  This was before the colon rupture so I would have been in trouble if I had to take antibiotics chronically.  He was rich.  He had his own plane to fly him and buddies to the state ballgames.  He was flying another dentist friend and himself and his two daughters to a game, crashed and all perished.  I was so very sad for that family.  Only one grown son left.  That poor Mama.  

[KarenK]

Holidays, except Christmas, usually don't affect me one way or another, but this one depressed me. Perhaps it's because I don't feel well or don't have the financial means to pack up and get out of town. A news story centered on vehicles loaded with coolers and camping stuff, people heading for the mountains or lakes. It brought to mind the many times we did the same or were off to the cabin. Some memories are nice, but others are so very painful.

[Gin]

Karen,  I know how you feel.  Al and I always hosted cookouts for the family.  We worked so hard and we both enjoyed it.  Now, it is just another day.  Didn’t even put out a flag.  Had a hard time filling up the hours.  Yes, painful memories.

[Gwenivere]

It was just us and the dogs and damn, I miss seeing him out there at the grill yelling times to have the rest of the meal ready.  Hurts like hell.

[Margm]

Sometimes I put my purse down on the other seat and imagine I have my hand on his knee.  I remember his scars on his body more than I remember mine.  I put my hands up and imagine I feel his high cheekbones and beard.  And sometime, for no reason at all, I get angry at him for leaving me. 

[widow'15]

Yesterday I went out in the backyard to do a little weeding.  The next door neighbors were having a get together with their two adult sons, and grandson, having a good time laughing and evidently competing in some kind of yard game.  Listening to all the laughing, and family time only magnified my loneliness until it was too unbearable, I returned inside fighting tears.  I don't begrudge them their happiness, I just hate that my life has become so miserable right now.   Wonder if it will ever end?  Dee

[Margm]

I don't know why, something my mama (of course) used to say to me when I was a child sticks to my situation now.  Billy was my everything and we fought so hard to finally make it a marriage that it should have been from the start.  Maybe that is part of marriage though, two people that are totally opposites marrying, and I remember his job gave him "annual" leave, so after so many years he just wanted to be with me.  We fought against the harness, but in the end it was the fairy tale it should have been, but neither of us entered a fairy tale.  Mama used to say "you cannot cry over spilled milk" and Billy was not spilled milk, but I could not put him back in the bottle.  I cannot put anything back together like it was.  I am not bothered by seeing friends celebrate anniversaries, I know the real secret.  One will have to do without the other.  A distant friend, his wife died one month, he died the next.  Not suicide.  I think it is possible to grieve yourself to death, to bring on something  because living without them is a slow death in itself.  If your young enough, and some are, and some would not think of it, you marry again.  My  friend, who is my age married again.  I have no doubt she loved him.  She took such good care of him from his heart attack on their honeymoon until he finally left after about 12 years.  And, with her double grief, she found herself grieving both men, and the one who had passed in early 2000's, it just brought it all up again.  I don't know how to handle two ""missing husbands."  It is hard enough missing one.  We had big dinners, we had reunions, we celebrated holidays, usually at home.  We were not the type who liked big crowd parties, the reunions faded away along with the years and we celebrated with  immediate family.  Nothing was ever the same.  We might even go fishing (my favorite).  I cannot fish without him.  Having fun has taken its toll, and it is not fun without him.  So, we tread water, we climb that path by ourselves, we fight against the loneliness, but we don't fight alone.  There are too many of us.  I don't really think "misery loves company" but here we are. 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

All those commercials about 'being in this together' just churn my stomach.

Yeah, I don't see one other person in this together with me!  Last I noticed, I'm still alone!  Hardly anyone ever calls anymore.  It feels like I'm bothering people if I call them, they have their husbands there.

Yesterday did not seem like a holiday to me, but a day like any other.  I spent the last two days trying on clothes to put in two categories...keep or donate.  Our church is having a garage sale in a week and so the rush was on to go through them.  I wish I'd had more heads up so I could have gone through more of my house but now am exhausted and will be going to my son's today and spending the night.  It will be my first time around family or friends in 2 1/2 months.  Makes me nervous but I know I can't be away from them forever, the kids change so fast at this age.

3 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I cannot fish without him.

George and I loved camping, I haven't been camping since he died.  He also loved fishing, I'm allergic so couldn't touch or breathe them but I'd go and sit by the river while he fished, just keep him company.  I miss those days.  I never dreamed they'd end so soon.

[kevin]

Doctor meeting was great...All my lab numbers were down significantly..Blood Sugar 7.7(137) A1C 6.6 and Cholestrol 1.42, this is the one he asked me what have I been doing?....Told him its all my new diet and a bit exercise...Not going to see him for 90 days...

[Margm]

Kevin, so proud of you.  You've found the will to live and that is so important.  I've got to brag too.  My daughter's MRI did not show any new growth, showed scarring, and the ones on her spine have not grown any.  Her ultrasound of  her spleen showed it still enlarged but it has not enlarged more.  Also, both viral tests were negative (son and daughter).  Scott works at the VA so this is his second test.  Kelli is like one of those old wind up clocks.  When she is first wound up she is hyper, but it finally gets to her and she has to sleep a couple of days.  Then she ready to go again.  I admire and love both of them.  They have taken hold of a life that Billy and I were terrible enablers (and would still be).  

[Gwenivere]

I made it thru my dentist appointment with minimal treatment.  Found out I have a cleaning next week.  Those chairs are really hard on backs!  My dentist is so popular you have to book cleanings 6 months in advance.  I made a run for dog vitamins, wine (a necessity around here) and made lots of med calls.  It was sad seeing all the stores moved out os the strip mall where I get my wine at the drug store.  It’s like the world is vanishing of every place that was part of my life.  The Dollar Strore, Grocery Outlet and Ross where I bought pillows for the kids are all gone.  There is a gym there, but it’s closed and don’t know if they will stay.  Seattle can’t meet the guidelines to reopen most businesses from the death and infection numbers.  Same for Tacoma where Dee is.  The vet called about refills for Ally’s pain meds and wanted her in for blood work and talk to the vet if dosages might need to change.  I said I had no way to get her there.  The woman must have asked me 3 times if I was sure, no family or friends?  Like I wouldn’t know?  I plan on pointing this out when I pick up her meds tomorrow.  

it was another day of feeling lightheaded which is so frustrating.  I’m really hoping it’s just stress.  It’s scary being alone during it.  As I have said about myself when I have nothing to do or just messes to straighten out I get so lost of what to do.  I’ve noticed it ratcheting up when in do go shopping now that everyone is in masks.  It’s so bizarre the world out there.  I put one on now but it really shortens time I can be in a place for fogging up my glasses and feeling suffocated.  I don’t know how employees do it all day at the stores.  Maybe cloth ones are kinder than the typical paper ones.  I’ve also seen some really heavy duty stuff on people that looks so complicated to put on.  I don’t  understand people jogging, walking or sitting on their porches in them.  They  don’t protect you, you’re protecting others but your not near them at all.  

Met my new neighbors, they seem nice and love Ally.  This will be good for her.  She’s been so lonely out there since the 2 dogs left last year.  Mel wouldn’t even go out which her normal.  Not socialized enough and I ready tried since getting her.  It’s a shame the attention she misses out on, but she can’t miss something she didn’t know.  I miss it for me.  A companion outside the house,

Congrats on your numbers, Kevin!  Something to be proud of especially in this time of temptations because it’s so tedious day after day and goodies sound so....good.  I really have to use will power in the store and stick to lists.  I once saw a sale on dark MM's and when I went to put them away saw I had 3 bags already among other delights.  I did give up ice cream fir pudding cups as they are measured and won’t go bad when I forget about them for awhile.  

Niw to scan the grocery ads from the mail for all the stuff I don’t need.  Just tradition.  Memories of long ago days when it was a job keeping up with my food snacker and cooking dinner days.  Microwaves don’t count as cooking in my book.  They make me feel lonelier.  

 

[widow'15]

48 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I made it thru my dentist appointment with minimal treatment.  Found out I have a cleaning next week.  

Gwen:  So happy to see you made it through the dental appointment with minimal treatment no less.  That must be a weight off of your weary shoulders.  Your cleaning appointment should be a breeze now.  Right?

 

52 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s so bizarre the world out there.  I put one on now but it really shortens time I can be in a place for fogging up my glasses and feeling suffocated.  I don’t know how employees do it all day at the stores.  Maybe cloth ones are kinder than the typical paper ones.  I’ve also seen some really heavy duty stuff on people that looks so complicated to put on.  I don’t  understand people jogging, walking or sitting on their porches in them.  They  don’t protect you, you’re protecting others but your not near them at all.  

Yeah the glasses and mask can be an problem.  Last week when I was at my retina specialist appointment I found myself complaining to the tech how difficult it was to breathe in my mask, which is a cloth mask, and in my opinion is not any easier to wear than a paper mask.  Afterwards, I felt really silly when I realized I could take my mask off as soon as I got back in the car while the doctor and techs wear theirs the whole work day.  I can't imagine how workers are going to manage wearing a mask during hot weather especially doing any kind of physical work.   Dee

[kevin]

Going out to visit Grandson and #2 son who is a Grandfather himself......this Covid restraining any travel plans...Getting some late rains up here, not helping the Farmers..Looks like we all are moving ahead with medical stuff...particularly good news to you Marg....and we are all guilty of the Enabling sin at one time or another... take care

[kayc]

21 hours ago, kevin said:

A1C 6.6

Good progress!  Mine was probably 8.5 before I started this and 5.6 now, my doctor was stoked!  Going to see her in three months too.  She knows she can't get me in in the winter time so she tries while she has a chance!

[kayc]

Gwen, I've been checking with Ross to see when they'd reopen as I need shorts and it'll be in the 80s thru Friday but they have a line three blocks long to starbucks!  Can't do as I have Kodie with me, too hot to leave him in the car longer than 5 minutes or so with the windows open partway.  So I'll have to keep pulling my old shorts up over my rib cage and sticking my stomach out to hold them up, haha!

Was stunned to hear my DIL & her sister saying they thought this was all a hoax and they wouldn't go into a store that required a mask, was blown away, so I guess the mask I sent her was a waste, even had N95 in it.  None of us like wearing them but do it to keep from infecting others in case we're a carrier and don't know.
 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Dee, the teeth cleaning might go a bit better, the hygienist chair is different than the dentists one.  But it will be uncomfortable.  I can’t, but must, believe how complicated everything has become.  I can’t believe how much time I spend laying out meds at night for the next day.  Used to floss and brush my teeth but now add in applying aspercreme.  All the sleep support pillows and pads.  The house is getting littered with pick up sticks, cane and walkers, tho I don’t use them, yet.  Just seeing all this 'old people' stuff is a drag.  Car is a ritual for oxygen as is walking around the house.  Anything it can snag on it will or I or the dogs step on it.  Showers are complicated with set up.  Lack of exercise is bad.  Diet has changed to more unhealthy.  Was reading a list of 8 things not to eat a lot of and 6 I do.  They've found certain foods lead to feeling worse after and I can attest to it.  Bagels, chips, processed luncheon meats and many frozen dinners.  I notice a difference when I buy real chicken or something that is prepared normally.  Since I fell a few weeks back I thought I had straightened out my progressive glasses but I guess not.  I’m tying my back up pair as I was feeling dizzy and one eye was always out of focus plus weird headaches.  

Ive been watching Ally struggle more.  Gave them empty peanut butter jars today and she wanted to lay and lick it out but didn’t.  Had a difficult time coming up the steps from the front yard.  Seeing that future is like carrying a weight day in and out.  Pick up more pain pills today and haven’t heard about get her there to be checked for blood work after telling them repeatedly I couldn’t do it alone and being asked so many times if I had someone to help and saying NO.  I could ask a buddy that lives over 20 miles away but that is ridiculous.  He’s working from home and would have to be here a certain time that probably wouldn’t mesh with his packed day of computer maintenance he’s responsible for.  

Well, this is just more of the same complaints.  I so wish Steve were here.  At least I could hang onto his arm going to places for support.  Someone to help take the entire focus off me.  

Going to be too warm here for us northwesterners for a few days.  Maybe if I were younger and didn’t need compression socks that add to feeling hot.  

Went to Target to get my glasses fixed and saw people at the park across the street playing basketball.  Not a defiance kinda thing, just desperate for something normal.  I knew it was dangerous, yet a part of me was so glad to see something normal, especially after having to suffocate myself in the store.  Sounds normal outside, mowers going, kids laughing, but it’s not. I’m still seeing people in masks just walking by.  You’d think they would take a break fir fresh air!

 

 

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, I'm sorry you have to wear compression socks in this heat!  Supposed to be 81 today, 84 tomorrow.  At least should cool down by this weekend before it heads back up again.

I finally got some jean shorts, couldn't try on and one pair too big although all were size 10, I put elastic in the back, still too big but hopefully won't fall down.  Had 15 minutes to buy & pay for them as I had Kodie with me and it was 66 but know it can get hot quickly in the car even with all windows down several inches.  Still going through all of my clothes, trying all of them on to give to the church's garage sale.  Tremendous amount of work but finally went through everything, only two things too small will not likely get into them again although I could 23 years ago.  Not bad, can get into everything I wore when George was alive, some of it even too big.

Well off to walk Joe and then Kodie before it's too hot for their paws...had Arlie trained to walk on the grass but these two don't listen as Joe is deaf and Kodie stubborn to a fault!