My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

Great cartoon.  Some days even an hour is pushing it.  🥺

[Gwenivere]

Ah, I think it is Tuesday.  Hard to tell anymore.  Did not sleep well as I posted about the long day yesterday and upped a med per the doc. The pain just won’t abate either.  I went to get the mail and the postal carrier tossed a very heavy box over the fence.  I knew I couldn’t leave it there, but couldn’t have gotten it up the driveway and into the house.  Had a dozen piller candles I burn for Steve and lost furry kids.  A guy was walking by and I asked him and he was pleased to take them right Into my kitchen.  I stayed outside to respect the distancing.  What a nice thing to do and I thanked him profusely.  The virus hasn’t killed kindness.  Of course 'I' am saddened I cannot do this myself.  Just unpacking and putting them in the closet about killed me.  

I had tried to kill some time yesterday at a new grocery store but I didn’t last long.  It wasn’t my kind of store anyway.  Lots of organic and things I never heard of.  I’d been in before and found a couple things and did get some great looking tuna salad as summer temps are staring to hit here.  A shower felt good, but it was harder to do.  

Got a reminder call from the mobile vet coming tomorrow to check Ally’s paw.  Going to ask about a blood test to see if there are other problems I should be aware of.  Coming in from getting the mail she slipped on the stairs again.  Had to help her.  I think the front yard will soon be out for her.  Watching this decline I can’t even find the words of despair.  She’s involved with Mel and I, but spending more time by herself.  Not a good thing.  Even lackluster about PB schmears. 

I need.some supplements from the pet store as well as food and am PRAYING I can walk in myself to get them and pay.  If I have to start calling everything in for pick up it’s going to really increase the depression.   I have a Zoom meeting with my grief counselor today so will be able to cry since alone I cant alone. I still haven’t figured that out as it would help.  I think it’s because I’m on alert mode constantly with ally and what I can get done like dressing, fixing meals and plain old walking down the hall.  Driving isn’t a problem.  I feel fine, it’s getting out of the car I become a gimp.  Knowing that every time is hard as I watch people moving around me like they are joggers to my walking.

Thru ALL of this I am so filled with thoughts of Steve.  How his presence is so needed for these challenges.  How he would have grabbed that box.  Even in my pre pain days I’d ask him if he was home.  He liked being Dad.  It was easier to be vigilant with someone.  You can’t really take time off mentally, but you can know you aren’t up to bat 24/7.  Have some time to breathe.  

Just threw the ball for Melody and brushed Ally a bit.  Ouch.  I wish everyone the best on another day.

 

[kayc]

That is so nice of that man to bring your package in!  There are some good people left.  You're having a time with your back and legs, me with my hands and knee.  My feet have improved since George's suggestion for taking Magnesium Bisglycinate.  Wish something could help my hands.  I do think the dog bite is improving slowly.  The melanoma wounds are healing, another week before stitches come out but will probably take a full month to get well from.

Tomorrow I have to drive to Eugene to take my car in, then return something and get groceries on the way home.  I hate going to Eugene as it wears me out!  When I come home it's carry everything into the house (I cheat and use the wheelbarrow) and put everything away, and then walk Kodie.  
I wish Ally wasn't struggling so much.  Poor baby! 

 

[Margm]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

(I cheat and use the wheelbarrow)

I have a deep basket, not plastic, metal.  It has two big back wheels, two smaller ones in front.  I carry my trash out with it, I can pack at least five on it. (We are very trashy females) and I use it to bring my groceries in.  A large size water will fit on the bottom (biggest) and sacks on top.  Sometimes it might make two trips, but I can tip the buggy and pull it with two fingers.  It folds.  Now, there is a trick.  Scott put it together and I kept losing those "thingys" that hold the wheels (back wheels) and finally I looked in my office drawer and I had some huge metal paper clips.  I stuck them in the holes that hold the wheels on and used pliers to twist them round and round.  The tires might wear out one of these days, but they will never come off again.  Kinda like putting Gorilla glue in the screw holes on my commode.  Poor Billy.  He had to get me new commode seats all the time.  These will never strip.  (Got the basket from Walmart laundry supplies, hangers, etc.).   I cannot lift anything heavy.  Don't need to break anything inside loose. I can shove things into the buggy and still move it with just fingers.  Any of you women need help lifting, I would look into this.  But-you-will-have-to-make-it-sturdy, because it does not come sturdy.  But it folds sideways and you can put it in your closet, against the wall, behind the couch.  

This is like mine, but I saw some more that I might retire mine and order after Scott gets well and can do little mechanical things.  (My hands shake too much).  

[kayc]

I got my mom one...but I prefer my wheelbarrow.  I'd never be able to get a cart through the snow and I like that the wheelbarrow doesn't have spaces for things to fall through.  It's amazing what I can get in there!  And I can even wheel it into the house if necessary.

 

[Gwenivere]

This is why I do my shopping in small increments.  That is getting harder with the walking pain tho.  I hate unpacking a huge load.  It’s hard enough getting checked out and the stuff into the car and house.  Back in the day I was functional, I didn’t mind.  I try to cram everything into one reusable bag.  I have 6 steps getting to house level from the driveway.  I brought in a bag of dog food today.  Getting it out of the garage to rotate with a new one I knocked over 4 packages of bottled waters.  Figures.  I swear I’m getting more clumsy in this brain fog.  It’s so stressful being out with the virus now.  I talked to an old guy like me who I actually walked faster than.  He was battling cellulitis.  

My (now) bad habit is I have to complete tasks.  I’m no good at letting things sit and rest in between.  Then I have long extended periods of sitting which isn’t good. I’m my own worst enemy.   It feels Ike I have sciatica and maybe I do.  All I know is 2 very intense walks last week changed everything.  I hope I didn’t tweak my spine more.  Hard to give that a rest since we use it all the time.  

Im amazed at your to do list in town, Kay.  And gettting home to unpack and walk Kodie.  You’re my hero!  😎

[kayc]

I try to only go to town once every two weeks but with all the appointments lately it doesn't always work out that way.  Makes for a long day.

I'm also one who wants to finish whatever I start.  I don't generally rest until evening and Kodie doesn't usually afford me that!  He seems to get a second wind if I sit down.

Cellulitis is very painful.  I had it once years ago.

I hope your spine starts giving you a rest...and me, my hands.

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Got a reminder call from the mobile vet coming tomorrow to check Ally’s paw.  Going to ask about a blood test to see if there are other problems I should be aware of.  Coming in from getting the mail she slipped on the stairs again.  Had to help her.  I think the front yard will soon be out for her.  Watching this decline I can’t even find the words of despair.  She’s involved with Mel and I, but spending more time by herself.  Not a good thing.  Even lackluster about PB schmears. 

Gwen:  So sorry to see sweet Ally is declining.  I feel your sadness as you watch her slowing down.  Will keep you all in my thoughts as you wait for the mobile vet tomorrow.

You were fortunate to have a helper get your big package into the house.  I understand how loosing the strength to lift and move boxes or whatever,  gets more difficult as our bodies are failing us.  Lately I have been trying to get some yard work done each day but find I can only last about an hour.  After raking, weeding,  bending over and then have to carry the debris to the front of the yard I am all done within a short time.  Once inside to rest, two Aleve get me through the rest of the day.  I hate being so useless.

And now, to make matters worse, today I received a federal jury summons in the mail.  I was wondering if there isn't an age limit - I'm 78, almost 79 years old in two months, aren't there enough young folks to fill the jury box?  I am going to request my retina specialist write a note requesting I be excused since I have limited vision.  I would have to have someone drive me since I haven't a clue how I would be able to find the parking garage and not comfortable stumbling around alone in the downtown area.  I haven't driven in that part of town for over 15 years.  I am only comfortable driving in my neighborhood where I know where all the stoplights are.  

That's how my day goes lately.  Dee

[KarenK]

Dee, is there a website to check or a number to call on the summons. There should be a list of juror qualifications somewhere. At the county level in Az, the cutoff age is 75.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, Dee.  I know you are still recovering from the loss of your dear Maddie,  I think how unfair it is we lose that last connection when we need them so much.  How we miss the fun times to become nurses.  

When I was driving home tonight I passed a school parking lot by a huge grass field that we used to go to will Belle.  I have a picture in the family wall of Steve training her at about 2-3 months to use the step installed to get in rather than jump.  She was so tiny and stretched out and he is helping her little back legs figure it out.  I pass there often and never put it together til today.  I could almost see them there like when I took the picture.  We did the same with Ally.  All to be prepared for way done the road when they got old.  

I always got out of jury duty because of my panic disorder.  Now I have so many choices of ailments.  It’s not that I am not civic minded, but as you said, going downtown is terrible and odds are you wind up not needed.  I’d be ineffective at this time.  My mind could not focus on anything with all the stress.  I also don’t like keaving my comfort zone.  It’s not that it’s so comfortable, but I just can’t take more disruption.  I’m barely getting by with the varied things coming up I didn’t plan on.  In case there isnt an age cut off (but I’m guessing there is), your retina specialist should be able to excuse you.  My doc was always willing.  And with my problems now I know my many now would be. 

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My (now) bad habit is I have to complete tasks

 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm also one who wants to finish whatever I start.

I love you two women, I admire you two women, but I'm not sure I want to finish everything I start.  Of course cooking, unfortunately I have to finish.  After almost five years, I am getting to where I am curious as to what is in those 15 boxes that have not been opened in over four years.  I certainly have not needed anything.  I do start things and 2-3 days, weeks go by and I might remember "I should finish that now" and then I think, "oh heck no, I want to raid the refrigerator."  I'm sorry, I don't feel guilty, I just plain am old "Moonbeam McSwine" just like Mama named me.  I don't want to change.

But, I did get a vacuum cleaner I like.  I collect them.  (Not on purpose).  I do like doing laundry though.  I love my washer and dryer.  I'm just really no good......at anything.  Which I kinda like.

[KarenK]

I have made it into the last season of "Once Upon A Time". This show is great and has so many clever lines. I think all the actors should get awards for being able to deliver them without cracking up. Most of the actors, I don't recognize.

I think Winnie the Pooh was watching me when he said that. I used to be an excellent housekeeper, but my engine has run out of steam. I do the cooking and cleanup, the bathrooms, the dusting, and my laundry. The vacuuming, mopping, and yard work falls on my son. He's going to try and get a job despite the constant hip pain that no one can diagnose. We really need the money just to survive.

[kayc]

9 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I received a federal jury summons in the mail.  I was wondering if there isn't an age limit

In Oregon you can ask to be excused if you're 70.  Shouldn't require a doctor's excuse.  I can't drive at night so could not serve except in summer, it'd still be hard as I have no one to watch Kodie.  I doubt they'd let me off for puppy duties though!  

You do well to do an hour's yard work.  I can't anymore because of my right hand (my knees aren't helping either).  I need to do some raking but can't hold the rake, honestly, this is the most incapacitating thing I've ever had!  Go to the doctor on the 20th.

On my other site someone was asking who we talk to now that our spouse isn't here to talk to...I told them you guys, here.  It's the place we can tell our day-to-day stuff, it's mostly our struggles, but not always.

Gwen, that's a very poignant memory.  Their lives go by way too fast.  Arlie was never small when I knew him, they'd said 63 and I thought, "Oh that's only 13 lbs over my limit, I think I can handle that"...they'd told me age 2-5, ha!  Next day I found out he was 79 and not quite one!  He got up to 140...haha, THAT was 90 lbs over my limit!  But he was good and I taught him not to pull.  Now if I could only teach Kodie that!  He pulls worse than Arlie!  I never had steps helping Arlie into the vehicle, he could jump into the pickup or climb into the back seat of the car.  The last trip to the vet to have him put to sleep we had to use my son's Baja, it's much lower, and even so I had to help him into it by lifting his butt up.  It's sad to think how much he deteriorated...and it seems just yesterday he was a spring chicken, running around the house!  God I had fun with him!  Why does life have to go by so fast!

 

 

[KarenK]

Today is my daughter's birthday. She would be 56. In 11 days, she will die once again. After all these years, I still find it hard not to call and wish her a "Happy Birthday".

Time still marches on oblivious to the pain.

[MartyT]

 I'm so sorry, Karen. Thinking of you and your precious daughter today ♥️

[Gwenivere]

Karen, I wish I knew what to say beyond I’m so very sorry you have to relive this again.  Something that should be celebrated.  😓

[Gwenivere]

Once Upon a Time was one of my favorite shows.  It’s so clever and such a good escape from this world we live in.  Looking around me now, I think I’d like to live in Storybrooke instead.  

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

After all these years, I still find it hard not to call and wish her a "Happy Birthday".

Karen:  The loss of a daughter has to be so unbearable as you face her Birthday and her passing.  I am so sorry.  Yes, time still carries on in spite of our pain.  😢  Dee

[Margm]

Karen, this is a type of hurt that many experience and it is one that is unimaginable to form words of comfort.  There are no words.  I know this is weird, but you all know weird is what holds me together.  I don't think they sell that glue in stores.  Each morning, every morning (well, actually sometimes when I sleep till 2:00 p.m.) my first thought is to get out of bed easy so as not to wake Billy up.  Then, I remember, he is not there, but for a nanosecond in my mind he was.  So each day I have that second with him.  

For losing a child, I have no words and am selfish enough to hope I go before that happens.  My dad was 65 when he passed.  My Mammaw, his mom, was 83 or 84.  After Daddy left, we never had Mammaw again either.  Her little mind left.  I understand.

We love you Karen.  Our hearts are with you.

[Gwenivere]

Well, the vet came and went and it was a good experience.  Even pre covid I hated going in and being in that room with a freaked out dog. Ally was much more comfortable here.  They cleaned the wound and I got a pillow collar which unfortunately does not prevent her from licking her back foot.  Can’t get a soft E collar delivered unless I want to pay twice as much as it’s worth to have it overnight.  Guess I’ll just have to hope the antibiotics and watching her as much as I can will do it.  This vet even said the hard plastic ones would make her walking harder.  She wouldn’t be able to sleep in it anyway so no supervision.  Found more poop in the house.  It’s so hard when they get old and you are too.

its been a bad dog day.  Very odd thing happened with my cousin.  She also had a dog that was near the end.  I saw she tried to call me at 10am and she knows I am asleep.  I never called her.  I assumed she was calling me with bad news and she had lost her baby the day before.  She thought I had called her about Ally.  Something kinda freaky about that.  I just felt something was wrong and it was seeeing her number.  I was right, but it all started from a call I never placed.  So 2 crying women mid afternoon before I went out for Ally’s stuff.  

My shrink called to schedule a televisit as my meds are running out.  Better than going in to see him as I must have pulled something in my leg or back because walking is almost impossible.  Just a brief walk into Petco for vitamins and joint stuff was horrid.  I barely made it thru Safeway.  The laundry was unbalanced so had to deal with soaking heavy stuff.  Knocked my open water bottle over unpacking when I got home.  It was a definite 'the universe hates you' day.  Tomorrow I’m supposed to hook up with my BIL about my gmail.  Next week is full of medical crap meetings.  I messaged 2 docs and have heard nothing.  

I just want to snuggle up next to Steve and say make it all go away.  The thing is he could!  He would stay awake to watch Ally and fix my mail.  He wouldn’t need me there at all.  My BIL is in CA so I have to do the tests on my computer for him.  I should feel grateful his is doing this and I am, but also sick if problems.  I had someone that could handle things without me or as a partner.  As I keep finding....grief, the gift that just keeps on giving. And giving and giving and giving...................

[KarenK]

Thank you all for caring. It's a tough day for sure.

Marg, your nanosecond brings to mind the movie "Ladyhawke". Two cursed lovers are together, but eternally apart. By day, she is a hawk. By night he becomes a wolf. In that split second before night becomes day, they are allowed a glimpse of each other. Quite a movie.

Oh Gwen, your cup runneth over, just never with the good stuff. Is it possible to put a sock over Ally's foot or would that just be worse? There are just no easy answers.

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Well, the vet came and went and it was a good experience.  Even pre covid I hated going in and being in that room with a freaked out dog. Ally was much more comfortable here.  They cleaned the wound and I got a pillow collar which unfortunately does not prevent her from licking her back foot.  Can’t get a soft E collar delivered unless I want to pay twice as much as it’s worth to have it overnight.  

Gwen:  Good to read Ally's mobile vet visit went well.  Am glad Ally was more comfortable and relaxed being at home.   After Maddie had her surgery we had to put a T shirt on her to keep her from licking her tummy.  She looked so cute and it did keep her from licking when she didn't have her "collar of shame" on.  Too bad there isn't a pair or booties or socks that would keep Ally from licking.  Do you have a Mud Bay Pet Store close by?  They usually stock soft collars.  Hugs to you, Ally and Melody.

[widow'15]

15 hours ago, kayc said:

Gwen, that's a very poignant memory.  Their lives go by way too fast. 

kayc:  During the weeks after my Maddie had to leave, I locked myself in my house and barely went outside close to a month due to all the reminders of Maddie not being here anymore.  I found solace in reading past entries of the Grief Forum on loss of our beloved pets.  I found a long discussion between you, Fae, Hap, Anne, Karen, Mary and others, as you discussed living, loving and losing pets.  I think one of the  more memorable statement that came out of that forum  was a quote:     Dogs' lives are too short.  Their only fault, really. ~Agnes Sligh Turnbull

 

16 hours ago, kayc said:

You do well to do an hour's yard work.  I can't anymore because of my right hand (my knees aren't helping either).  I need to do some raking but can't hold the rake, honestly, this is the most incapacitating thing I've ever had!

Only problem with my hour's worth of yard work nowadays is nothing like what I used to be able to do just two years ago.  Your daily schedule is much more intense than anything I can accomplish.  Your walking little Kodie is enough for me to call it a full day.  I hope your hand will heal soon as I understand how discouraging it is not to be accomplishing what needs to be done always.   Dee

[Gwenivere]

Karen, vet wants the wound exposed to air to heal.  Those booties would be great for me and poor Ally’s licking.  I did get a soft collar at Petsmart and unfortunately she can reach her back paw.  I think if she were a pug or stout, it would work, but she’s a long legged yellow lab mix.  

I love the Turnbull quote, Dee.  So very true of our babies.  I can’t imagine the pain you felt that first month.  I know it’s waiting for me even tho I’ve been thru this before, but always with Steve.  Only my childhood dog he was not there.  That’s a long line of babies over 40 years we experienced.  I’m not sure I want to read a lot of people’s stories after listening to my cousin yesterday.  She needed to tell me the details and I just wept.  But when it happens to me I am sure I will feel differently.  Just like I came here about Steve.  It saved what was left of my heart, and there wasn’t/isn’t much.

 

[Kieron]

16 hours ago, KarenK said:

Today is my daughter's birthday. She would be 56. In 11 days, she will die once again.

Karen, this is such a poignant way to describe how it feels for you.  I'm sorry.  🙁