My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

I pushed thru tasks to sit down and read parts of last weeks Sunday paper.  I do that on Saturday nights.  I’ve lost total track of days.  Totally spaced it was Friday.   

I hate living with this inner edginess.  Every time I walk out the door I feel a dread.  Seeing and experiencing a strange world now.  Picking up my dinner I realized the people I talked with couldn’t see my face as some reactions weren’t verbal, they were with my mouth.  People are developing hand signals to convey reactions.  It’s just too weird.  I’ve dropped things and no one helps anymore.  

I emailed the PA I talked to yesterday to ask if my pushing thru some tasks or even walking more than I’m used to was making my spine worse as it feels that way or is it better to keep moving as pain usually means not to do something.  I need to go to the lab today to check levels on several things.  I just hope I can make it without losing it.  I always wave cars that stop where I cross parking lots to go so they don’t have to wait forever for me to do so. Once I get going I make a good gimp.  Waiting in lines kills me.  I can’t even imagine cooking a dinner like I did every week for us.  Miss those days.  Little house on the prairie moments.  How do you ever adjust from such close time to sitting alone?  Even Melody  curls up and doesn’t stare at me as it’s such a boring time now.  They may not understand conversation, but they noticed the interaction at meals.

off to another nights sleep I wish wouldn’t end.  It doesn’t hurt there in my heart.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Even if he declines, she needs to 'ask' someone else.

He passed away Wednesday.  She didn't ask me 25 years ago when she set it up, I'd remember.  Besides things change, they sure have for me!

She says she doesn't trust our brother because of how he handled our mom's estate.  That he "stole from it."  I told her he didn't "steal" anything, our mom left everything to him!  That doesn't make him dishonest.  None of us chose to contest it, so let it go already!  I can't make it my issue though, but here my BS is up again today 128. 
 Those are good questions for your doctor, Gwen, I hope you get a response soon.

Your posting about these times is very good...it's amazing how everything has changed.  This isn't a world world living in.  Married couples live in a bubble, but what about the rest of us?

I made the mistake of leaving a message for Rainer about Burt's death (he knew him).  Basically he wants me to grovel for his forgiveness, are you kidding me!  He's the friend I'd had for 45 years that I cut off when Arlie got cancer, he was yelling at me and ordering me what to do about Arlie, nope, not going there!  I consider it was miraculous that I overlooked as much as I did over the years, not interested!  Funny, he never did ask how it went with Arlie, all he cares about is his pride.  Disgusting!

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know what the law is, but I would think in the case of a will, no one could be forced to be the executor.  It’s an important job, but hardly an offense if refused.  I hope you get out from under.  Steve’s parents left everything to him as they knew he’d split it equally with his siblings and it made it easier.  It can be a lot of work, tho, if there are unpaid debts, a house, belongings.  It took him months.  I did that twice  for nursing home resident friends who didn’t have wills. I hope you get the message thru to her.  I wonder if there is a free number you can call to ask?  If she has his kids in there, why not let him do it?  If she has specifics for other people, they would be honored.  It’s hard to steal from a legal document. I just followed Steve’s instructions.  The only thing we all agreed to changing was not disassembling the recording studio gear.  There was no time to change the will, but he was thrilled to hear it was staying for his buddies to use.  He thought I wouldn’t want people coming over.

If there ever was a time of needing that bubble, it is now.  We’d still have to live in this weird world, but to have someone in the bubble with you makes a huge difference.  I hear it from people all the time.  How’d they’d be gong bonkers alone.  I’m not sure, but I think I’m the only one here with no close family or friend.  I’ve never felt so challenged to keep going every day.  The 2 buddies I have I so rarely see.  Had to cancel one today as I need to go to the lab for a blood draw and I didn’t want to be clock watching during his once a month visit.  He was here with me for Ally so I want to have no distractions as it’s a long drive here for him.  I talk to so many people during the week, unfortunately they are therapists, docs and their assistants.  Or the bank, insurance company or people I hire.  I did have a nice chat with my housekeeper.  She’s a sweetie I get to see every 2 weeks.  So there are 'people' in my life, but I would love to have someone that is a really close friend.  How I took that for granted til I lost all mine.  Aging is cruel that way as we know.  

I’m sorry you had to cut off your friend, Kay.  I had to do that too and it’s painful.  I had other friends tho at the time.  We really want to hold onto those we have left as making new ones is so hard.  I’ve been trying for 6 years.  I think I've found someone and it collapses.  Usually it’s not a fault thing, it’s just being older and really knowing what you want for give and take in friendship now that has no history and you grew into over decades.  My childhood and early adult best friends paths diverted from mine in ways they are unsustainable now.  Never saw that coming.  It’s sad.  Usually those last for life.  More pain on top of losing THE best friend of our partner.  

[Kieron]

Yeah, I heard it said that "You can't make new old friends."  I have fewer and fewer of them, and this damned pandemic is reducing that number even further.  And it's not like I can make friends easily to begin with!

[kayc]

They have no kids and she isn't putting her best friend on for the same reasoning as I feel unqualified.  She's going to ask a much younger friend that she trusts.  They have no children.  I have my son as mine but he's super smart and gets things done!  They say to ask the busiest person...

Oh Kieron, it's hard to believe you'd have a hard time making friends, I'd be your friend in a heartbeat!  I read an article on it once that was really good, talked about how sometimes people are friends for a season and when it's time to let it go.  Very helpful.  I let this person go for multiple reasons, all very valid.  His response this week just reaffirms that!  Not interested in years more of this!  We have friends on different levels, our friendship was more superficial but when people overstep their boundaries...nope!  We could enjoy each other's company and be there for each other to some extent but when those boundaries get crossed, I'm outta here!

[Gwenivere]

I never foresaw losing friends because of time and age.   I had cut loose toxic people along the way and it was a healthy thing that improved my world.  I had such a great balance of people for years, now it has been emptied.  I woke up again today with thoughts realizing I had no one to share them with in a fulfilling way.  I had 3 chats yesterday but something was missing when they were done.  It was a deep connection.  

My 'pals' know I have a bad back.  They do not know hw bad as we don’t do anything together and my time is so limited with them, I don’t want to monopolize it on me as that drives people away.  I feel I have been 'fitted' into their lives where they could.  Not a normal 'whenever' thing.  One is a Zoom call Sunday’s only at a specific time and another is,  again specific time, 3 evenings.  My only actual real friend lives so far away, works and has his wife with medical problems, I get to see him once a month maybe.  But I know I could call him anytime for an emergency.  

Friendships need socializing.  Not just chats.  You do things together because of shared interests.  The pandemic limits a lot, but I don’t take walks anymore, the dogs to the park, non essential shopping, able to help with physical projects or just hanging out at a restaurant to solve the worlds problems over a coke.  I really miss laughing.  I hear people doing that and know how good it felt.  

People here know more about me and the struggles than real life people.  I’m so grateful for that.  But we need physical contact.  I had, like most here, a brimming life.  It faded away over time to where I have so little left to lose that if I do, I will absolutely be utterly alone.  It’s a terrifying feeling.

At least I have this and all of you which means so much.  I love knowing all of you that you share of yourselves. 

[Margm]

8 hours ago, Kieron said:

And it's not like I can make friends easily to begin with!

I was lucky (unlucky) to have a close family life, being born in the land of relatives, never leaving for long, on the DNA test it listed 1000 cousins.  You have to admit, I'm from a rural lifestyle, years ago my grandfather had to ride his horse over 30 miles to meet his wife.  Then I became kin to all the people within 30 miles.  In fact, one of my best friends, after their three kids were born, after DNA tests, they found out they were 3rd cousins.  Every porch around these bayous had banjo's with people playing the theme from "Deliverance."  But all life centered around fish fries on the "creek" with family and friends and reunions on the 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  There were 106 in my graduating class and I was not out to learn, I was out to have fun and graduated 2nd girl from the bottom.  The last girl was, you guessed it, a cousin.  If I had known they were going to put it on the board I might have studied and worked on homework.  Out on my own, in college, with two kids I kept a B average, so I did not feel like the village idiot.  

I think it all depends on where you live, where you move to when you leave "home," and if you "leave home" at all..  Of those 106, I would imagine we have maybe 60 left, I don't really know.  Some scattered and were never heard of again.  It was a papermill town and people transferred in and out of our life.  

I didn't go far to marry.  Our counties are called parishes.  I lived in north parish, Billy lived in south parish, and all his kinfolks, like mine.  It was a parish that never was rich.  We were all poor kids and some with maybe a little more money and my generation did not divorce as fast as generations now.  

So, friends are out there.  You can talk on FB and the phone, sometimes by email.  I have lost so many relatives and friends I sometimes wonder if it is not best to not have any at all.  There is a constant fog hanging over your head if your old and still have friends.  You know the old saying that only the good die young, so what does that make me?  Maybe having friends might be overrated.  Besides, even graveside services, I could not go to honor my aunt.  I had said my goodbye to her this year before she lay down and decided to die.  And after seeing that, it really is a possibility to do that.  She was always thin and beautiful though, I could live ten years off of my fat.  

Picture is Al Capp's "Joe Btfsplk

[scba]

On Sundays I visit my best friend, and only friend in town, to have lunch together. We don't have money to go out, so we prepare our meal. We enjoy doing that and chatting about nonsenses. Today she told me about a friend and her pursuit to meet someone. Apparently the only way is through an app and then people start asking for pictures of yourself, and you talk of this and that. The procedure is, you "like" a picture of somebody, then you are allowed to chat, then you share pictures, then you chat and maybe one day you will meet this people. "At least you would chat with someone".

I said nothing and focused on mixing the eggs. I found this to be too sad. I guess I prefer to not meet any people if that is the way. And I don't qualify at all. I don't take pictures of myself and phone chatting annoys me. 

 

 

[Margm]

52 minutes ago, scba said:

The procedure is, you "like" a picture of somebody, then you are allowed to chat, then you share pictures, then you chat and maybe one day you will meet this people. "At least you would chat with someone".

Don't think I am experienced, I'm definitely not.  My daughter has used a dating site, and at 53, I think she has given up on it.  I know she finally blocks people.  According to my granddaughter there are many of them.  She won't get out of the house and the two guys at school that pushed themselves on her, wanting her phone number, etc., she begged me to save her from them.  I do know she has a problem and hope we can find someone with talk therapy and not drugs, they have tried that.  

But, to get back to the other, there was an email in my email site from a dating group (or some weird place) I deleted it.  It was from a "David" with his picture.  Some words were added, I don't remember what because this old gal is not hip to this crap.  It had an unsubscribe and I was afraid to even do that.  I just deleted, deleted, deleted.  I don't know where it came from but I hope it stays gone.  I do know I did not subscribe to anything.  Dating and death both start with D and I'm closer to the death one.  

[scba]

Apparently these apps are to meet people for a chat, for making friends and so on. There are many. Not just dating. I was like, I'm not going to make friends again if that is the procedure. I don't judge anyone who whishes to use them to meet people. At all. I'm old fashioned. That's all. 

I'm sorry for your granddaughter. I hope she's doing better. And that those guys stopped. 

[scba]

And to conclude, I've listened some friends saying that many married people download Tinder just to have a look. That they would. 

I was like... These people have their spouses alive and I don't. But I said nothing. I don't wish it to anyone. 

[Gwenivere]

Times are so changed.  IF I were looking to date it’s almost the only way to do it.  What happened to meeting people thru work or friends?  I’m talking younger ages obviously.  Us older folk don’t have work outlets or a bunch of girlfriends to go out with to check out the guys.   I’m going to count myself very fortunate to have gone thru that the old fashioned way.  I met Steve in a bar where my roommate worked.  Other guys at work, either coworkers or someone at a place we were installing a phone system.  One was a roommates brother.  

I want to see the real deal.  Feel that attraction.  Be thinking about them.  Trying to run into them again.  Know someone is checking you out and wanting to talk with you.  Flirting.  Deep conversations.  A 3 dimensional experience.  

I think the internet is great for info, but just like you can find positive info, you can find as much negative.  People can lie easier.  I’ll never forget the Craig’s List killer.  That wasn’t dating either.  Just someone meeting someone to sell something.  I sure wouldn’t entrust my life to someone on the net!   It’s like we’re told not to give out personal info like credit card or SS numbers.  I wouldn’t want to give out my phone or address.

 

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I had cut loose toxic people along the way and it was a healthy thing that improved my world.

Thank you for this statement, I needed that reminder this morning.  Been getting hateful emails from Rainer ever since I left a message on his phone letting him know of Bert's passing.  He accused my son of beating on Arlie 12 years ago, no way!  That infuriated me!  Said I hung up on him then too, no, never happened.  My son has the highest character of anyone I know, to say that is beyond despicable.  Then he wrote "GOODBYE FOREVER!"   I don't understand where all this hate is coming from.  Not once did he ask how it went with Arlie or tell me sorry for your loss.  It just reaffirms my decision to cut him out of my life nearly 1 1/2 years ago.  Just because we've known someone for years does not make them true friends.  Toxic person describes it well.  I opened my Bible this morning and this verse leapt out at me: "Put away the evil person."  Couldn't get much clearer than that!

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

People here know more about me and the struggles than real life people.

Me too.  And I thank God for this place!  I consider all of you friends.  But I agree, Gwen, we need physical contact.  I recall this story years ago:
"A little boy reached that terrifying time of day when his mother would turn out the lights in his room and leave him for the night. Afraid of the dark and of being by himself he cried out for his mother to stay. Being a woman of faith, she reassured her son that God would be with him through the night. 'But, Mama,' he cried, 'I need God with skin on!"
Sometimes we feel remembering our husband isn't enough, we need him with skin on!  We need friends with skin on!

I remember the "snowpacolypse" we had Feb. 24, 2019 and the hardest part I think (other than fear of trees crashing down on us in the night) was being cut off from everyone, unable to walk, drive, call, no internet, nothing.  I had Arlie then, he helped me get through it, a lot.

13 hours ago, scba said:

I guess I prefer to not meet any people if that is the way. And I don't qualify at all. I don't take pictures of myself and phone chatting annoys me. 

Me too.  I don't do selfies, and have no desire to meet someone through this method.

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

It had an unsubscribe and I was afraid to even do that.  I just deleted, deleted, deleted.

Good!  Best NOT to click on something, esp. when you didn't initiate and don't know from Adam.  Emails are rife with people trying to get us to click on something that can put a virus on our computer or give them access to our computer.

 

 

[Margm]

A phone call woke me this morning, sounding quite excited, said my Medicare card had been used for fraud in south Texas.  Told me to hold on the line or punch #1 for an officer of the law.  I hung up.  Stupid people.  I think they  do this on old people.  Also the picture of "David" from some dating service.  Like I said, dating and death start with "D" and I am closer to the latter.  A man has not entered my mind except my friends that I am losing and of course Billy.  I think they think old women are vulnerable.  They might be.  I have reached the age now that my kids do not want me taking long trips without them.  My son admitted to it last night.  So, losing Billy made me on my own for the first time in my life.  I won't say I enjoy it, but somehow or other, shadowing by my children makes me think they think I am uncapable of doing things.  I know, I should count my blessings.  After I get this trip over Thursday, I will only let them know I can be reached on my cell phone, and I will leave the house.  After the colon rupture, Billy decided I needed to be driven everywhere.  I had to let them know I would forget how to drive if they didn't let me alone.  I've not had a ticket since about 1965.  I was going 10 miles over the speed limit, and right after the seat belt law came into being, we both had to pay a fine for not wearing one.  Naturally, after that you don't forget.  I appreciate them.  I love them.  I may need them.........later.  Not now.  I do need them forever, but not to worry about me yet.  

[Margm]

As a side note, a couple of hours ago I received this official sounding rough voiced woman telling me my SS card had been used and I needed to talk to a SS official.  I called my bank.  Nothing has been touched of the $14.00 balance I have, so I asked them if this happened very often and they said it sometimes happens.  I guess they think us old gals and guys are going to get anxious and spill all our information to them to save our precious savings (I think I have $29 in my savings.  Good luck to them.  Anyhow, I think everyone on here is smart enough not to be bamboozled by phishers.  

[Gwenivere]

The rule of thumb is reputable sources do not call you.  If anything you may get a letter.  First they went after our computers.  Now it’s SS and credit cards.  SS never calls anyone.  They only communicate by mail and you calling them.  Wish everyone knew that.

I found out my credit card was locked by my bank for fraud when I tried to use it one day.  I had to call them.  

These scams are aimed at the 'elderly' assuming they don’t have wisdom.  Unfortunately me fAll into the webs because they aren’t computer savvy about robocalls.   

i don’t have the motivation now, but Steve and I used to mess with them if it was a live person.  We’d ask for their employee number, or what kind of computer we had that generated a fault to them at 'Microsoft' or a call back number so we could verify their identity.  *click*. They vanished.  

Id sure rather be doing that than this insurance and Medicare stuff.  I can only tell it’s Monday because the mail came crammed with med stuff.  I had nothing to do today, but that was preferable to making calls about conflicts.

its a gorgeous day here in the PNW.  Perfect actually.  My dog has convinced me it’s a good time to throw the ball for her while I wait for the Xanax to kick in and start those calls.

[Kieron]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 If anything you may get a letter.  

This is correct.  Same with IRS, Social Security or legal matters.  They *never* call you if it's legit, although your bank will call you if there's something funny going on.   There's so much deception out there.  I know someone who was scammed out of $6700 in fraudulent charges through a fake Amazon customer service number and she made some purchases at the direction of the fake representative, in order to get other charges refunded somehow, and got ripped off.

[Gwenivere]

I spent 4 hours on the phone today trying to get my prescriptions ordered for 90 days while I have no copays til the end of the year.  Had to use mail order to bypass all new orders.  Found out my 2 name brand ones I will have to hope will work generic by the copays that will kick in in January.  Also found out my insurance will be changing to another mail order one then.  So many told me I would like Medicare.  Maybe I made a mistake by picking my coinsurance.  Now I have the mail order set up and can’t even think of talking to another company.  I have a call into the rep who sold me this saying I really need her help untangling all the varied info I got from different representatives.   The big thing is they have tiers for meds.  The only affordable ones are generic which introduces the variance allowed by the FDA.  That can really affect thyroid and antidepressants which I have.  I went to Target for a break and was a shuffling slouched mess.  Used to be a fun place to go.  Make up, nighties, treats, shoes.  Now it’s aspercreme and Tylenol.  My doc wants me to get iron infusions when I can hardly walk.  Daily trips to the hospital.  Also one of my favorite places. Not.  The topper is this mail order will be a different company come January.  Get to do this allllllll over again.  

Life is just so darned complicated alone.  Today I have counseling and the furnace serviced.  My bet is they will show up and interfere with my session.  My fault for booking without thinking it thru.  For some darned reason I don’t think straight anymore.  Go figger.  And as usual, I keep wondering where Steve is.  

[kayc]

Marg, my mom would give out her ss# to anyone who asked it, strangers no exception!  I got called last night from a local number I don't recognize so I said, "What have you to do with me?!" and he answered (sounded from India) that he'd heard I had back pain and I told him he was full of it and hung up.  I despise these liars, scammers!  That they do this to old people infuriates me all the more, I keep thinking about people like my mom who didn't understand how the world worked and how hard it was for them to navigate with dementia onset. 

I still get the "Apple" calls, I don't have an Apple computer, never have.  These people are so stupid they spoof local numbers not knowing this prefix is a small country town with no computer stores, etc.

It was 100 here yesterday, way hotter than predicted.  Have to take my sister to pick up the ashes and death certificates today, she wanted me to take her to her bank and I told her she has to make an appt, you can't go in otherwise.  She wants in her safety deposit box.  We'll see what happens, I'll go through the drive thru and maybe she can set up an appt from there, she doesn't have a computer.

I need to order a Generlink and buy a generator and set up an appt. with the electric company to hook it up, but it seems I'm never able to be home long enough anymore.  I'm getting exhausted.  Survived another funeral yesterdayi.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 The only affordable ones are generic which introduces the variance allowed by the FDA.  That can really affect thyroid and antidepressants which I have.  I went to Target for a break and was a shuffling slouched mess.

Will your insurance cover the brand name ones if the generic don't do it?

[Gwenivere]

Yes, they will.  The cost is phenomenal.  Even with a doctors note it’s still outrageous.  They are changing to a different pharmacy in January,but that won’t affect their tier program.  It might actually hurt more as my thyroid meds in this one are brand despite being labeled generic.  It’s the antidepressant that comes in as over $300 a month.  

I miss our generator.  It’s there but I don’t know how to get it going.  Steve had a system with cords he would snake thru the house and kept it full of gas.  I’d love to have something that switched on automatically to the most needed places.  

Im sorry to hear of another funeral.  Glad you can be there for your sister.

theres a guy here checking out my furnace for the winter.  Physical therapy already called wanting to set that up when I can hardly walk.  My insurance  agent left a message of not to worry about the prescriptions, she doesn’t know how angry I am about the the copays as she offered to help set up the mail order which I did and found out the shocking news.  Got my larger jeans from Amazon which I’ll try tomorrow morning.  That’s an esteem buster.  Have counseling later and a lot to talk about!  Tho I’ll hopefully cry as I am so blunted on that by myself.  

This isolation is killing me.  I’m never going to get over being without Steve.

[Gwenivere]

Arg!  This Medicare thing is consuming my life!  Premera billed my credit card for a full payment and I have never paid them on that.  It’s supposed to be from checking.  Looking at that it is cancelled but the new rate for November is scheduled.  So I’ve paid for both plans.  Left numerous messages for my rep about what the heck is going on.   Found out I have to get my shrink to send in new anxiety meds as they are 'controlled substances'.  Being in worse pain I’m losing my mind with this.  I went to Walgreens to pick up a partial RX and thought I might not make it.  Doc is breathing down my neck to go in for iron infusions.  Plus 3 other tests and lets throw in PT too!  Why why why when we are especially beaten down do these things happen?  I’d like to have one frigging day I’m not on the phone trying to get things in place I was told would be no problem.  Famous last words.  I’ve decided I don’t care if I’m annoying my rep anymore.  She sold me this.  I was the one that spent hours on my med transition and crossing my fingers my shrink will rewrite my RX's.  Sorry to whine so much.  My dog doesn’t understand my frustration and just wants her meals and treats.  She won’t change places with me.  

[Kieron]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

would be no problem.  Famous last words.

The other ones are "You can't miss it" with respect to driving directions.

Supremely aggravating, the last thing you need to be dealing with.  Cynically, I suspect this type of confusion and chaos is deliberate, to drive people crazy.

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’d love to have something that switched on automatically to the most needed places.  

What I've learned is you can buy a generlink on line www.generlink.com and you have a generator (you'd want to make sure it's big enough to suit your needs, they usually have a calculator for that maybe on your elec. site?  Then call your electric company to hook it up, ours doesn't charge.  It goes through the meter box.  No more cords except plugging the cable into your meter box.  No more snaking!

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Got my larger jeans from Amazon which I’ll try tomorrow morning.  That’s an esteem buster.

Don't let it bother you, we all seem to redistribute as we age.  My waist is bigger than it was last time I weighed this amount!

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

She won’t change places with me.  

I wouldn't either!  I'd love it if all I had to worry about was meals and treats!

I called my sister on my way out the door yesterday to take her to the crematory and she canceled last second so now have to do that today instead, which means six days in a row I'll be gone, and I hate that.  Exhausted.  

Never think it can't get worse, my hand hurts worse than I thought possible, makes me feel I'm going to pass out from the pain, nothing helps.  CBD oil was a waste of $ for this.  It's a reputable company I trust with independent labs but I think like the neurologist said, only surgery will help.  Concerned it may be past the point of no return because they've let it go on too long.  They blame COVID for everything!

[Gwenivere]

I wonder if I let my back go too long that anything will significantly help.  Along with the regular pain he’ll, it feels like sciatica has kicked in too.  over the counter and.CBD aren’t big guns enough in our situations.  I know you were going to a sooner than later assessment.  Did you get a possible surgery date?  

Back on the phone for me with insurance and RX messes.  My rep couldn’t help at all.  Haven’t heard from my shrink on new meds tho the logic of existing ones still eludes me.  I’ve been doubled billed too.  Customer service is a joke as it’s a different story every time.  Wonder what it will be today.

[Margm]

Every month, nearly every day I get some new insurance suggestion.  If it has OGB anywhere on it, I open it.  Twice a year I call Blue Cross and OGB.  I have the "Magnolia plan" which is supposed to be the best, but damned if I know what it is.  The only thing I do know, if I ever get rid of OGB, I can never get it back.  Each time I call, they tell me I'm okay, I do not need to call, but I get so much mail, so many phone calls.  I have been affiliated with OGB (Office of Group Benefits) since 1959.  So, I try to ignore everything.  My four drugs come to less than $20 for three months, two are blood pressure pills, one is Xanax, one is a 12.5 (water pill).  The two blood pressures both work on the essential tremor also.  (I'd sure hate to see it if it didn't).  

My aunt was rather eccentric.  (I think to some point all my family is), probably comes from not riding their horses more than 30 miles to find a wife 100+ years ago.  She was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.  (I did not get the genes from that side of the family).  We have this familial tremor that has attacked numerous family members (distant and close).  My dad lived with it.  My other aunt lived with it.  She took propranolol and I take metoprolol.  I have lived with it since the 6th grade.  My grandfather and his brother had Parkinson's at the same time, my grandfather dying at 56.  My dad tried home remedies to fix things.  Yoga, goats milk (he raised them), meditation, etc.  People didn't go to neurologists back then.  We had GP's and that cured everything that could be cured. I have recently learned my 2nd cousin has Parkinson's.  My grandfather and his brother were her uncles.  Also a grandson on that side was born with a "shaky brain syndrome" which is exactly what some of us had, also called essential tremor.  He is 26 now and learns to live with it.  My only drawback was as a teenager, slow dancing, the fellow thought he was getting me excited, so I quit slow dancing (except with Billy.)  

What I am getting at with all this is my beautiful aunt, she got a neurological condition like we have and it does make it difficult to eat out (unless you ask for a small shovel).  She was a greeter at her lifelong church and people noticed.  (She thought).  She fixed it where she had care around the clock in later stages and no one was to see her.  Hurt her brother's feelings.  I could see her, I understood, but with Covid I would not risk making her sicker.  She had lost a daughter in I think 1991, her sister who lived next door to her all their lives in 2014, and really, she was a hard woman to like, unless you had to, and I had to.  I understood her.  (To some extent).  She finally died.  I don't know how we can call it suicide, but it was a form of suicide, just gave up on living.  Absolutely nothing to live for.  She was very hard to get along with (I never fussed with her), but she hated her daughter-in-law so much she actually wanted to leave this world.  I can see people committing suicide, we have seen too much of it.  But, she just quit living, she was 84, did not want to be old and ugly (I guess), and she actually gave up living.  That was how she wanted it.  I can kind of understand it, but I do miss her.  I think of the actor George Sanders and his suicide note:

 “Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck.”

I find I do not understand life or death.  My aunt and I grew up together.  Another word salad with Covid dressing.