My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know how much longer I can keep trying to function in this pain.  Just about everything one does means using their back.  The nerves it’s pinching create the walking problems.  Plus edema no one can figure out.  Yesterday was so hard to get thru since the ER which was a nightmare itself.  I lost power last night so it was hobbling around to light candles and get portable oxygen set up in case it didn’t come on for sleeping.  Then it did and it was putting things back.  Dropped one big bottle candle and spilled wax on the floor and wall.  Should have left it, but scraped the floor and got some off the wall.  Being tense doesn’t help in those situations.  

I was hoping an extra hours sleep would help, but it didn’t.  I felt stronger withdrawal from my meds and the effects of all the prior activity after laying too still for longer.  Nauseated, pain, depressed, shaky.  

I’m at wits end.  I honestly don’t know why I’m doing this day after day.  They asked me in the hospital (standard protocol now) if I thought about harming myself or others.  Did I want my life to end.  Had I tried in the past.  I answered no, but some mornings I wish I could just keep on sleeping.  I learned the hard way once sayings yes, I’ve thought about it, they take your possessions immediately and call psych.   So wording is delicate and you can’t talk to them about that.  It wasn’t what I was there for anyway.  But still, it distracted me from my purpose, yet made me wonder why I was there.  

This makes no sense so I’ll quit trying.  Just needed to get it out and have no idea how I’ll get thru today except as always.  Hope I don’t fall, can take care of Mel, maybe have a day where nothing goes terribly wrong.  I found one clock I couldn’t get set to the right time.  So I’ve already started the excess bending 4 times already and I haven’t been awake 2 hours yet.  Took bread out for the birds and know the pain isn’t gonna get better, just worse.  

I want someone in person.  I want Steve of course, but that’s not possible.  I don’t feel safe alone like this.

 

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, I can so relate to everything you write!  I feel like you and I put together might make a whole, but unfortunately one needs BOTH hands, back, feet to do much.  And the pain...

Don't you love how they keep questioning us about our mental stability yet don't really seem to care about our pain or ability to function!

Me too, I want someone in person.  (reminds me of the little boy crying out about wanting God with skin on!)

[Gwenivere]

They 'understand' the pain on a medical level.  It’s very rare it is treated with the mental complications it causes.  Like today, it’s excruciating and I’m afraid to go out for something I need.  Afraid I’ll not only be in pain but I’m so worn out mentally I get anxious because I not process info clearly.  I went to Burger King after the ER and the bill was 5.51.  I gave the woman 11.51.  She gave me the 1 back and I said I was trying to get a 5 back.  I messed up simple math.  That concerns me.  

I could can my back guy and they’d want to set up an appointment and get into the surgery again.  I’m officially on Medicare now and don’t know how all this is going to work with that and my new supplemental thru Blue Cross.  I already have to call a mail order place for sending me generic instead of brand from my old policy.  Have to update my oxygen company. Everywhere you call are massive menus to get thru to wait on hold.  The 3 calls I want settled today will probably eat up my afternoon.   It will be dark by about 5 so I don’t know if I’ll want to go out.  I will, but I dislike driving in dark.  But staying in all day makes me feel awful.  

Not talking politics, but this election makes me anxious as well as the covid surge.  Having just had Steve’s loss anniversary, the upcoming months of sadness and losing Ally, spent Jan and Feb in the hospital,  I absolutely hate 2020.  Worst year I’ve ever experienced.

i want to, as you said, feel something real like a hug.  😓

 

[kayc]

Gwen I think we all agree about 2020.  To me it's most amazing we've survived.  Will be glad when this is over, except...will it?

I haven't seen my grandkids for months.

[Kieron]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 It’s very rare it is treated with the mental complications it causes.  Like today, it’s excruciating and I’m afraid to go out for something I need.  Afraid I’ll not only be in pain but I’m so worn out mentally I get anxious because I not process info clearly.

First, a disclaimer because I am a wimp when it comes to pain.  But I observed how severe and chronic pain affects people, beginning with Mark, but also with my work clients.  I have encountered clients who apologize for being short, or unmotivated, or miss appointments, and once they make it clear the reason, I remind them of the above, how pain affects concentration, energy level, etc and they are often almost in tears that someone gets it vs looking down on them.  I wish this opioid "crisis" we have in the US would result in real reform.

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Kieron said:

I wish this opioid "crisis" we have in the US would result in real reform.

I am in full agreement.  I couldn’t take them during the day because I go out and that means driving.  But for people that are homebound and suffering, it’s cruel to withhold.  That said, the drugs are very tricky to manage with the tolerance factor.  It was only when Steve was in the last few months that concern for that and possible damage to other organs were not something we worried about.  

I’m just so tired of knowing my day is going to be pain, losing sleep to it and knowing it will be the same tomorrow if not worse.  Sometimes I don’t know if it’s as bad as I think when I wake up or I am succumbing to despair.   Then I get up and see it is all real.

[kayc]

I am so sorry, Gwen. 

There comes a point you'd do anytiing just to get some relief from the pain for a while.  

[Gwenivere]

Thanks, Kay.  Of course I had to get out of here.  Wound up at the grocery store and spent more than I intended.  Nothing new there. I actually put some stuff back.  I think I am overbuying as a security thing.  When Steve was here it wasn’t a problem.  Being alone I have to be careful of being lured by sales.  I saw stuff I would have swept up because we ate real dinners.  Haven’t bought raw meat in forever.  So I pay more for single serve, microwave stuff.  If I wasn’t in so much pain, I’d cook side dishes like I did when I had 2 dogs.  I have to make sure I don’t over feed Melody.  I never needed lists as I had the family plan for meals down in my head.  Can’t trust this addled brain.  I really miss making dinner, setting the oven to come on with the entree in it, pots ready on the stove for sides.  We’d take our power nap and get up and have dinner.  I so miss talking with him after dinner while cleaning up.  Never having leftovers.  Now I split many things so have the same meals twice in a week.  And the worst is having eaten dinner alone for over 6 years now.   

I have a track light out and can’t change it.  All I keep thinking is....where are you, Steve?   I need you so much for more than that.  It’s just a reminder of this broken heart.  💔

[scba]

I put my meal on a tray, I eat on the couch and watch TV. I had 3 tablecloths of different colors. Didn't use them again. A table for myself increases my alonement feeling. It's the worst moment when traveling too. 

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I think I am overbuying as a security thing.

Me too, my freezer is plumb full, I couldn't fit anything else in it if I tried!  My generator is delivering today and my neighbor is going to be here when they come to help deal with them, don't trust them to put it where I want.  He said he'd take care of it.  I feel very vulnerable right now, just too much going on.

I worked yesterday eight hours straight of the hardest brain work, it's much harder training someone than doing it yourself, I don't consider myself a patient person by nature and I have to remember to exhibit it and breathe, took twice as long as it would have me but we got it done, including setting the budget for the upcoming year (well a starting place anyway, they'll change it all  ).  Poor Kodie was in the pen all day, I didn't even look to see if he dug holes, but he definitely had pent up energy last night and then fell asleep next to me on the couch.  Had to turn off Inside Edition as it was all election Trump/Biden stuff, really don't want to watch it, just want to know the outcome, which I gather won't be for a few days perhaps although it's looking mostly red, nothing can be assumed yet.  I want this whole year to be over with, if ever a year felt jinxed, this one is it!  I have to remind myself that in my grandparent's day, they suffered supporting eight children through the depression, but they made it through it.  I guess wearing masks and things closing look a little different in light of that, but then again, I would not have had to go through pain day/night for eight months before getting any relief back then either, I would have struggled to pay the bill, which I may anyway, but it is what it is.  They want my share before the surgery, I guess if ever that is what a visa is for, that is now.

Generator delivering today, neighbor is going to be here to deal with them for me, I so appreciate it!  My trainee, Kelli, offered to stay with me a couple of days following surgery to help with Kodie, etc and even though I guard my privacy and quiet time, I'm going to take her up on it as I honestly don't know how I'm to load the fire.  Discovered last night all of the next wood in the row is huge!  No way can I lift them to put in the woodstove, who wants to come over at 6 am and 6 pm to load it,, even 7 & 7 would be hard.  May have to remove the rack full and set all the big pieces aside, not fun on my poor hands, and try to fill with smaller pieces.

Did I say I miss George?

[widow'15]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I saw stuff I would have swept up because we ate real dinners.  Haven’t bought raw meat in forever.  So I pay more for single serve, microwave stuff. 

Gwen:  Yes, being married to a meat and potatoes, outdoors man there was always red meat in the kitchen freezer, not to mention a freezer in the garage full of seafood or game.  Now, I do try to keep some chicken or ground turkey in the freezer to plop in my slow cooker to eat on .  Last year I emptied and unplugged the garage freezer since there wasn't anything left in it to necessitate running the electricity to it.  I don't know if it's my age, no incentive,  or loneliness that I only seem interested in eating anything to keep something in my stomach.  Your requirement to shop and buy is not in my DNA.  I still enjoy using my laptop to shop, set up a pick up time, and let them load it in my car.  I only have to put the groceries away and call it good.  I have tried the frozen microwave stuff, but with my BP issues, the salt content doesn't do me any good.   Just keeping the dishes washed and put away seems more than I really care about.  But, I totally understand your need to be out in the world and around humanity.  We each do what we can do, to get through each day, alone.   I just wish you, kayc and others weren't always dealing with such pain.  Hugs, Dee.

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, scba said:

I put my meal on a tray, I eat on the couch and watch TV.

scba:  Ditto here, too.  I set myself up in my recliner and watch TV and eat my meals.  🍴

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

My trainee, Kelli, offered to stay with me a couple of days following surgery to help with Kodie, etc and even though I guard my privacy and quiet time, I'm going to take her up on it as I honestly don't know how I'm to load the fire. 

kayc:  This sounds like a good plan.  Am glad to hear she offered and you accepted.  Good luck on surgery.  Dee

[Margm]

My Kelli keeps a clean house.  She washes all Scott's hospital clothes (works at VA), changes his sheets and pillow cases, sprays everything down with Lysol and keeps her floors clean.  With two fur babies on her heels at all times, I doubt it is totally spotless.  She does a lot more than I do.  Brianna just warned/asked nicely for me to leave the tops on the spray Pam.  Its easier to use without the top on it, but I am "Moonbeam McSwine" remember. She keeps the kitchen clean and won't go to bed at night unless everything is in place. My bedding is clean, but I sprayed it with Febreeze anyhow.  I have to get me a bar for my tub so I can shower.  It is a big step-down and it scares me.  I have a chair in the tub.  I can shower standing up, but ever so often I like the chair.  Other than that, I do PTA baths.  

The thing is, Kelli bought her a $9 salad yesterday and promptly dropped it on the kitchen floor.  She did not cry over "spilled milk" and promptly put the salad back in the bowl and ate it.  Brianna was horrified.  She is not sick yet, so I guess it was okay.  She uses Clorox mostly, but Lysol liberally in spraying things down.  

I voted.  Am I a patriot?  We are not supposed to talk about politics or religion, but I like religion a lot better than politics.  I'm turning the TV to Netflix and animated movies.  More my speed.  This other stuff I believe might be the cause of dementia.  

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Did I say I miss George?

You didn’t need to, but I know that feeling every single day.  You must be getting a generator that kicks in automatically?   We have one, but only Steve dealt with hauling it out, filled with gas, running cords to various places.  After losing power a couple hours on Halloween I really felt scared being so alone in that silence.  It’s happened before but this time Ally was gone too.  My back wasn’t a train wreck.  The silence and just candlelight was just too much isolation on top of isolation.

6 hours ago, scba said:

A table for myself increases my alonement feeling. 

4 hours ago, widow'15 said:

set myself up in my recliner and watch TV and eat my meals.  🍴

 

So far I have stayed in the kitchen to eat.  I did break the rule of any food in the living room beside dog treats a long time ago for my little snacks.  For 6 years I sit at the dinner table alone.  Instead of talking and enjoying my food, I just want to get it over with while I stare out the window.   I guess I’m fighting how my parents latched onto TV trays and TV.  We never really sat down and had meals together in the kitchen, I don’t know why.  When Steve and I started living together, then married, we always ate dinner as a time to connect.  I’m guessing all of you did.  I’m also too lazy to have to move condiments back and forth as I couldn’t stand having a little table here all the time.  Things aren’t right in this house enough to add to it.  

 

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

I voted.  Am I a patriot? 

I know I’m a patriot, but I’m so emotionally messed up I’m letting it get to me which I don’t need.  It’s like being a load of wash with all other stuff like medical, bank issues and increased grief with the holidays coming.  Can’t sort it now, the machines already running.  

Kay, I hope your surgery works out with the help of Kelli.  Here is no way you could do all you have to alone.  So glad she will help.  I haven’t figured out how I would manage if I have the back surgery.  Don’t have a soul I could reach out to and hiring someone is daunting and too expensive.

[kayc]

The generator came yesterday, the truck offloaded it on the street, I had to get a neighbor to bring it down my steep driveway (15% grade) and onto the 40' ramp with a sharp turn (the builder didn't do it right), he barely got it through and up to my patio.  He got it out of the packaging and the wheels put on it.  I need to buy the propane and gas tanks for it and a cable, there's nothing that says what kind of cord to get, and I don't have a clue.  I ordered a generlink a month ago but it'll be another month before it ships.  When I get it I have to make an appt for the electric company to come out and hook it to my meter and secure the cord to the house & up to the patio.  I need the cord from the generator to the generlink.  It doesn't come on automatically, I'll have to learn how to start it, it's not just a matter of pulling a switch and I am NOT a tech or mechanical person at all!

17 hours ago, Marg M said:

The thing is, Kelli bought her a $9 salad yesterday and promptly dropped it on the kitchen floor.  She did not cry over "spilled milk" and promptly put the salad back in the bowl and ate it.  Brianna was horrified.

Haha, I loved it!  I would probably eat it too although I wouldn't serve it to others.  Would have to rinse off the dogfur though, it's in the air!

We always ate at the dining room table, but now that I'm alone with Kodie begging at me, I have taken to eating at my computer desk so he can't reach, it's a pain fending him off.  It feels weird eating at my table all alone.

Two days is a drop in the bucket but at least it covers the worst of it, no idea how I'll survive all this.  Discovered the wood rack I have on the patio is full of way too large pieces of wood for me to lift/handle one handed so worked on offloading it yesterday some, my neighbor said when I get down to the rest of it to call him and he'd get the big ones out of there and fill it with smaller pieces.  The guy who had volunteered to fill it for me isn't answering but a person from my church told me to call her and she'd come do it, she's less than a mile from here, so I really appreciate the help.  I have the best neighbors in the world, one of the reasons I'm still here.

It's supposed to snow this weekend when I have to travel but it looks like it won't be much, thankfully.

Gwen, I hear you on the hiring someone.  AND it's very hard for me to have someone stay in my house overnight that I'm not close to.  It'd be different if it were one of my kids, but I haven't even heard from them.

I've come to the place where for my own sanity I'm developing a "what will be will be," attitude with the election, I can't change a dot or tittle about this anyway so all my concern is for naught.  No idea when they'll announce the outcome but I'll be glad to have it over, we're not made to live in this constant state of anxiety  over everything, this year has been too much for all of us!

[Margm]

On 11/5/2020 at 7:18 AM, kayc said:

"what will be will be," attitude with the election

As long as we have twitter, I don't think anything will change.  Mr. Twitter will give us four more years of ignoring what he says and besides, without him, where would SNL and our late night commentators be?  

Kelli keeps her poodle almost completely shaved with wearing of long vests to cover down to her tiny hips.  She took a picture the other day of Nawlins laying by her doggie bowl.  She had to hold whole foods (doggie whole foods) from her for a few days and feed her only chicken and rice, so when she let her have her doggie foods, she lay down beside them and would not get up.  Was not going to take her food again.  She got her a coat with a fur collar and I cannot show you that picture, it is a GIF and I don't know how to put them on here, but she had the most disgusted, woeful look turning around like "look what she has done now."  That dog is more than a fur baby, she thinks she is human.  When my mama had Alzheimer's she would jump up in her lap and lay against her heart and Mama just loved the "kitty" so much.  Kelli took her over almost every day and she would light up and they would love on each other.  

She was apricot colored when a baby but is a darker white now.  (I should not say "shaved" but she keeps her hair clipped short). 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I'll have to learn how to start it, it's not just a matter of pulling a switch and I am NOT a tech or mechanical person at all!

I’m confused.  Hooking it to your electric meter?  Is this thing powerful enough to run your whole house?  Since you’d be in outage, it sounds like it hooks into the meters feed to all your outlets.   I don’t see how propane would be enough to do that.  Ours is gasoline (same premise) but we would target some heaters, a couple lamps and the computers.  Couldn’t do the fridge.  

I’m just going to have to hope and pray I’m spared any long outages like I do every year.  My main concern is heated enough light.  No computer causes anxiety tho.  

[Gwenivere]

Found out today my insurance overpayment is still in limbo.  4th time I’ve called to be told for the 4th time it’s being escalated.  So, check again next week as I don’t trust the rep will call me back.  I spoke to a manager but have little faith still.  

Trekked to the lab to have my cholesterol checked.  Test was great except one level.  Can’t wait to see what my doc will want to do to torture me.  I don’t want statins as they  can cause diabetes and have lots of side effects.  Could be my bad diet or bad thyroid.  I dread our visit today.

My therapist called about a billing problem we finally settled.  I tried telling him about how bad I was doing and he said... I’m sorry to hear that but I don’t  have time to talk right now.  He had time to call about money, but couldn’t spare me a few minutes?  I have always respected my counselors time.  I can call my grief counselor anytime.  I’ve brought this up before and he is 'stingy' with between session support.   I don’t want lots of their time, but to know I can reach out to them.  

Stopped at the Dollar Store before coming home.  Found a few things I needed, but always unsatisfied coming home.  I back in every night and see the door knowing he’s not home.  Used to love coming home.  It’s so dark now and we are getting in real winter.  For some reason seeing his car is getting to me.  Probably his birthday next week and just plain tired of the lost energy he was.  I have a magnet on the fridge that says 'a house is not a home without a dog.'  It’s also not when you’ve lost your reason for living.

[kayc]

It's 10,000 watts so will source most of the house, I won't try to cook, I'll use the microwave and wood stove for that.  I may shut the hot water tank off if needed.  Propane goes further than gas.  

Someone did a hit and run on my car, I just can't deal with it, it's all cosmetic so doesn't affect the running, I know I'll hear about it from my son but I'm the one living my life solo with all the stresses and I'm already at max limit right now, only slept 3 hours last night, 3 1/2 the night before, so tired but can't sleep.  Trying to get a million things done, got some groceries (forgot a couple of things), got half the big wood out of my rack, that's a start, will have to wait until the generlink comes and Lane Electric hooks it up to the meter before figuring out what kind of cord I need to buy.  I'm overwhelmed with everything.

My electrical outlet quit working in my bathroom yesterday morning.  What a day!  No electricians in town.  My little sister decided this was a good time to spring planning a trip for us all to go to the coast together.  She failed to consider Peggy's walker is hard for me to lift with these hands and I need to have surgery on the left hand AFTER the wood burning season, which will hinge on the surgeon's schedule, really can't plan right now, plus I can't afford the hotel she booked, neither can Peggy, and with no trunk available and bringing my daughter too, how are we supposed to fit luggage and cooler in my Civic?  She hasn't been here to take care of Peggy and her life is very different from mine, she's always going on fun trips and traveling, my life is about struggle to survive.  She has her husband to watch her dog while she's gone, I don't have anyone.  She failed to think about Peggy needs a riser on the toilet and bars to get up from it, bars on the bed, etc.  She picked a place with stairs and no ramp.  I may have to put off painting my house another year, I'm about broke, I don't like being down financially this much.  Peggy and I are thinking, this isn't going to work!  We're all on different dietary needs, Polly can't get away from the toilet, her and Peggy like to gamble, Julie and I don't, but neither of them can drive themselves there, Polly can only see five hours/day with Scleral lenses.

Anyway, that was my day yesterday.

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t want statins as they  can cause diabetes and have lots of side effects.

Good call!  I wish I'd never let the doctor get me started on that 23 years ago!  They don't warn you how bad it is.

I hope you get some viable answers that you can deal with.  This was enlightening to me!  I have many others on cholesterol.  David Diamond- Demonization and Deception in Cholesterol Research - YouTube

Marg, I wish I could see the dog's face, she's got cute fur, I like the color!

 

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

My little sister decided this was a good time to spring planning a trip for us all to go to the coast together.

Oh my goodness kayc this offer from your sister seems like "the straw that breaks the camel's back" for you.  I hope you and Peggy can convince Polly that this trip to the coast will not be possible.  It is nice that she wants to get together with you, Peggy and your daughter, but maybe a Spring trip more manageable for all can be arranged somehow. 

I have been following your choice of purchasing a generator.  When I ever get the ok to move to my new "Gramma" house on my son's property, I will have to purchase a propane run generator myself.  Your system sounds quite adequate and once installed will give you some relief and comfort during the winter months.

I am sorry to see you aren't able to sleep.  Keeping you in my thoughts.  Dee

 

[Margm]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

  My little sister decided this was a good time to spring planning a trip for us all to go to the coast together.

Bless her heart, she did not think it through, but it was sweet wanting to get together.  Sometimes I get an idea to do something, to go see someone, then I think of the small anniversary party planned because the elder husband's dementia was progressing so fast.  It was 28, counting children, they were all semi-intelligent people, just wanting one more reunion to remember.  And, it was one to remember.  Twenty-four came down with COVID, one of the people serving had it, did not know it.  The anniversary couple both passed away within a couple of days of each other and the older man who wanted to see his great grandchildren passed also.  I do think my granddaughter might have agoraphobia, and not sure about myself.  It is hard to remember...........we just can't get together, not even to remember the good times.  We cannot.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks for the link, Kay.  Going to watch that.  I don’t want to be judge mental of your sister, as I suppose it was nice she wanted to get together.  She sounds out of touch with what is happening with you and your other sister tho.  All you can do is be honest.  I’ve decided I’m calling back my therapist about how hurt I feel about his call yesterday.  I need to do it for myself.  I don’t let things go by anymore or sugar coat them for people as I used to.  It’s a change that happened from losing Steve.  I’m always respectful, but I don’t want to carry the pain or whatever bad feeling someone gives me.  It would come out in other ways so might as well tell them the truth.  It’s that stage of life that’s about building friendships and existing relationships if possible, but also maintaining what I have.  There’s so little I have as it is so this is sometimes dangerous.  I’d say what else do I have to lose, but I know better.  

Sorry, kind of got a bit off tangent.  I just know in your situation I’d be angry at her lack of seeing what your life is. You know more of the details of course.  I’m just an observer.

i don’t think I could have a generator thing.  My electric meter and source are on the wall of the stairs coming into my house.  I guess I don’t get when you turn it on, how it could possibly last long-with everything plugged in.  No way I could be getting tanks.  Did that a couple times for Steve and told him that was his job then.  Too darned heavy even when I was younger.  

Housekeeper coming today and have to have her do the routine opposite as I need the kitchen for my Zoom doctor visit.  I found that chair hurts me the least.  Got up today after the lab and dollar store trek and feel like I’ve been thru the day physically already.  

Minor political statement.....sending a donation to the ACLU as what is going on scares me.  Too much hatred and I find it very upsetting.  They work neutrally.  

[Gwenivere]

The doctor visit was depressing as usual.  The pain more massive today.  Doc pushed meds I don’t want.  Since I’m not stupid, I know the back surgery is the only logical gamble.  But it won’t help with coexisting conditions.  The docs don’t get the mental state.  

They don’t  get that while I was agonizing my way thru another day, that seeing a fantastic dog when I was out brought the pain of losing Ally back. Coming home seeing Steve’s van here here means nothing anymore. Having to ask my housekeeper to change a lightbulb and turn off the water to the dishwasher makes me feel useless.  That going to to bed leads to waking despair.  So I sit and listen to all these physical options and nod.  I’ve given up trying to get my humanity factored in.  

I can’t even count on sleep anymore beyond a couple hours.  The alarm is my nightmare.  Getting dressed torturous.  Lunch I have to eat that is work as I don’t care and then nothing to do but kill time and for what?  It’s just a way to escape this lonely prison.  There are several other women that come because they are alone too.  We mingle with the homeless.  I guess we all are inside.  I’m sorry, that sounds terrible as they don’t even have a house to go back to.  

makes me wish I could fix things for everyone. 

[Kieron]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

makes me wish I could fix things for everyone. 

Everyone wishes they could fix things for you, also, Gwen.