Shock and Awe after 1 year

[kayc]

I'm surprised they're waiting until Friday to admit your sister, George, if it is bad enough to concern them.

9 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Family.  You can't chose them, you just need to deal with them.

My family could have landed me on the Dr. Phil show by today's standards.  Back then you kept it all in the closet.  

[Margm]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Back then you kept it all in the closet.  

Kay, Billy's family took it inside, outside, front yard, side yard.  Mama's family was all out in the country, but when Mama and Daddy fought (Mama fought, Daddy kept his hands in his pockets and I finally realized why).  I'm sure everyone on the street knew our business.  Back then though, it didn't worry me, it was just everyday business.  My daughter takes her fights where ever she finds them.  She takes after her "Maw and Nanny."  My mama and Billy's mama.

[Brad]

23 hours ago, MartyT said:

Remember this beautiful song? 

Smile. Music written by Charley Chaplin was inspired by Puccini's "Tosca" 1936.  I always see the Tramp when I hear the song.  It wasn't until 1954 that lyrics were added by John Turner and Geoffrey Parson's.  Most people don't realize it but Charley Chapman composed the music for most of his movies.  I listen to it frequently and have several covers of it by Natalie Cole (who we lost less than a year ago) her daddy (the first to record the song with lyrics), Michael Bublé, Jimmy Durante and Barbara Streisand.  There is little music that I listen to from after 2000, although there is some.  I enjoy most genres especially music from the 1700's to the 1970's.  

 

[Margm]

I did not know that.  I remember watching Jimmy Durante sing it as only he could.  Until Elvis came along (and I think the Louisiana Hayride was one of his first exposures) I did not know there was anything but country music and Baptist hymns.  But Journey, with Arnel, is my favorite all time group.  And, I have not listened to much country music since Elvis.  (Billy hated Elvis).  For some reason I cannot listen to him again yet.  I did not know all that about Chaplin though.  

[Brad]

 

[Margm]

My granddaughter knew this that I did not know.  But, she is special.  We took her for counseling when she was much younger and the doctor was from Pakistan.  She told Bri that she would take her to see her biological father's people in Thailand one day.  Brianna looked straight at her and said "Please, I had rather go to New York City."  She loves Broadway musicals, the old ones.  Featured in her 3rd or 4th grade yearbook for mentioning wanting to go see a Broadway show. She loves the old music.  She is an old soul and very special (but of course I would think so).

[Brad]

Just doing some computer work and as always the music was playing.  I listen to my playlist in alphabetical order so that the genres are mixed but symphonies, ballets and operas are played from beginning to end before moving onto the next tune.  Obsessive compulsive I guess.  I digress.  The theme from the Alfred Hitcock movie "Charade" was followed by the theme from "Chariots of Fire".  I remembered those day when I go to the movies and then stop on the way home to purchase the sound track because the music was so good.  I don't remember the last time I left the theatre impressed by the soundtrack.  I don't remember my kids ever going crazy over a movie's soundtrack.  Maybe my memory is tainted.

[iPraiseHim]

I returned from my weekend mini-retreat to the mountains.  The changing color of the leaves and the mountain driving was fabulous.  I am surprised how quickly the time passed and now it is time to switch gears and get back into a daily routine.  This is my third trip to this cabin/lodge and it has become part of my "new normal" life since my wife died.  She would have loved it up here but the last couple of years of her life she would have been too weak to walk the steps to get inside.  I struggle with it myself but I'm carried several bags of "provisions". 

Yesterday, I decided to go into town and eat at a restaurant in town. The only problem was the place had closed.  So I drove back to the lodge and ate my dinner there.  It was a chilly 48 degrees this morning when I left.  Tomorrow temperatures are expected to reach 85. The next day, it drops back to 60's.  I hope this week you will find what you seek. - Shalom

 

[kayc]

George, good to have you back!  I'm glad you had some fabulous views, I, too, love the colors right now.

I thought of you yesterday as my goal for the day was to sign up for Obamacare for the upcoming year.  Something that will be for naught if Trump is elected, but I'm trying not to go there in my mind unless/until it happens.  In that event I'd have to be without insurance, something that is scary at my age.

Monday night I stayed up until after midnight to sign up but they said their websites were down so I'd wasted my time.  I woke up at 6 am to get started and...my internet was down.  I called the provider and they put me on hold for an hour and then disconnected me.  I called back, again, held another hour only to get disconnected again.  I reset my modem a couple of times and finally got internet back.  I started the application process on line, only to have it freeze up at the end, their website was overloaded and kept locking up.  It timed out after a half hour and never let me have the login page again.  So I called them, getting the busy signal several times, then finally getting through to hold for a long while.  Finally got a person who was able to access the info I'd entered on line and it had only lost the last bit, so she finished the process for me.  I'd already done my research into the insurance available (two companies with a few plans), I knew which one I wanted so she signed me up.  I called the insurance company to verify what I'd been told and the medical part was right but the Rx part was not.  What I've been paying about $55/mo. for could cost me up to $235/mo.!  So I called the Fed. exchange back to switch and she said to wait, that the company probably was not aware of the discount I'd be getting.  It may be a little higher than this year but not that much.  The plan is good, other than the Rx, so she advised I wait and see how Jan. goes and I can always switch to a different plan if I want to.  So for now, I'm done.  I do have some Rxs stockpiled so that will help.  I've been doing that in the event of Trump getting elected.  I'm taking 1/2 my Asthma medicine and 1/2 my Diabetic medicine...it makes for higher numbers but I'd rather do it this way that be off them cold turkey next year, that would NOT be good!

Anyway, I thought about you with all the stress of the day.  My blood sugar was up this morning from the stress so my agenda for today is to de-stress and relax!

[iPraiseHim]

My Christian viewpoint,

This has been such an unusual week.  I was surprised to find out that Mr. Trump won.  I am especially surprised at the reaction of the people who did not win. riots, looting, and just dumbfounded shock that their preferred candidate did not win. I remember that feeling eight years ago but I did not let it ruin my day, week, of life. No matter who is the President, life will continue.  I have observed is that FEELINGS seem to rule over what are the FACTS or TRUTH.  I continue to pray for those people who did not win.  They put such high hopes in the government to solve all of their problems.  Most of us do not know what we do not know. 

I like to watch opposing news channels to gain a better understanding of views. I watch a program on Netflix that I really dislike.  But, I like to understand how people who think differently than I perceive the world. This person bashed Donald Trump with many, harsh words, name-calling, labeling, and dehumanizing terms.  They claimed they would move out of the country. They believed the pols, news cycle, and every report that their candidate would win because they were right.  They degraded those who would support the now President elect. 

It was a tough, hard fought political season, with the vote of the lesser of two evils.  The point is that each side chooses who is the  BEST person for the job.   Each of us usually can only see from our own perspective and point of view.  

Standing above, I could see a 6 and below you could see a 9. We see the same thing but from a different angle. 

Maybe my grief is like that too somehow.  From my viewpoint, it seems bad to see this grief but somehow there is much more to this than just my perspective.  I can be right and also allow a wider view ( perspective).  This is how this group is so enlightening.  The pain of grief is so shocking and overwhelming that it is all we can do to just hold on and hang on.  Then as we face the FEELINGS and REALITY of grief we can begin to learn to grow through;move forward; and integrate what we have learned into this new altered life. 

I still don't like the fact that my wife, Rose Anne, died.  There are still times when  I weep and mourn because I miss that precious life with her. Sometimes, all I can do is just come here and read some posts. Thankfully, life continues and I am learning to live with the grieve and search for some joy in this time as well.  As the survivor, it is okay to live and enjoy the life we have now.  That is what my Rose Anne would want for me and it is not selfish. 

I have always wanted to learn how to fly a plane.  I am going to pursue my dream.  I will start with some flight simulation games.  I also like to stain glass, play my saxophone, garden, get a puppy, ride a bike.  I am beginning to realize that it is okay to live after my wife has died.  It has taken me awhile to grasp this concept.  - Shalom, George  

[Margm]

What a sweet, hopeful and insightful post George.. I did not have a horse in this political race.  I am totally political ignorant.  I always say "how can you trust someone who voted for Nixon and my favorite politician (before prison, inside prison, and after prison) was former governor of Louisiana, Edwin Edwards."  

I think if you still have hopes and plans you will live long and prosper.  It is when we give up that we suffer the most.   I sometimes look at the sky and ask Billy why he left me and even then I know he would not have if he had had a choice.

We just have to keep on keeping on.  I wish you success in all your endeavors.  Most of all, I wish us all peace.   

[Brad]

53 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

I still don't like the fact that my wife, Rose Anne, died.  There are still times when  I weep and mourn because I miss that precious life with her. Sometimes, all I can do is just come here and read some posts. Thankfully, life continues and I am learning to live with the grieve and search for some joy in this time as well.  As the survivor, it is okay to live and enjoy the life we have now.  That is what my Rose Anne would want for me and it is not selfish. 

I have always wanted to learn how to fly a plane.  I am going to pursue my dream.  I will start with some flight simulation games.  I also like to stain glass, play my saxophone, garden, get a puppy, ride a bike.  I am beginning to realize that it is okay to live after my wife has died.  It has taken me awhile to grasp this concept.  - Shalom, George  

This is also the direction I think I am moving toward.  Deedo was very clear in the letter she left for me.  She wanted (wants) me to find companionship.  That is what I am trying to do, albeit slowly.  I've started to look outside of family for people to socialize with.  I'm trying to find people with shared interests.  I'm planning travel.  All of these things are great distractors, only trouble is I still come home to a quiet and empty house.  When I'm away I do look forward to returning home but once home I wonder why.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Brad said:

When I'm away I do look forward to returning home but once home I wonder why.

I feel this every day coming home.  The conditioned response for decades is being wiped out.  I am now dreading coming home because I know I will be alone.  I have to do the walk thru getting the house set for night.  Once that is done and dogs fed, on goes the TV and the long hours of no conversation or interaction with someone.  Big decision is what to eat since I don't really care but have to eat.  I've had people suggest timers but it isn't the same as coming home to a truly warm house, no matter how many lights I leave on.  Timers can't shut the blinds and hug me when I walk in. 

As for becoming more social, that's a tough one.  I'd have to feel some actual interest in something to attempt that.  I never felt I was missing anything so that takes that out of the picture.  I try and think of things that appeal but find nothing yet.  I pretty much live Groundhog Day over and over.  

I looked for a new vacuum yesterday and realized when I got to the car that I am so on my own.  Steve would have input even tho he didn't use it.  The team thing.  Feels so odd buying things and no excitement about something new now.  Had to replace a lamp also and that he would want input on for the decor.  I would win usually, but I miss the reasoning why one would be better than another.  

I hate being single.  

[kayc]

Response to George:

I tried to be an educated voter more than ever in this campaign.  This was the hardest campaign I have ever seen.  I read every news article, went to their websites, watched every debate, and prayed.  I was horrified.  It has taken most of the week to just process it.  Our pastor had his sermon ready but changed directions, and instead preached a most thoughtful sermon yesterday addressing this very issue.  He said our feelings are real, they aren't necessarily governed by facts, but they are real.  He said we shouldn't be dismissive of each other's feelings, they're valid to us.  He said we should meet each other in love, and he gave a lot of scripture and reiterated 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, the love chapter.  I will pray for whoever is in office, I respect the position, even when I disagree with their thinking or what they're doing.  I don't like what all this has done to our country, and esp. the fear and response we've seen on the news.

I hope the first order of business can be calming and unifying people.

I was amazed at how much this seems like the grief we go through, and so many people affected.  Change is hard, no matter what change or what brings it on.  Sometimes it takes a while to digest, just like in grief.  I see a need for patience and understanding to others right now.

 

This week has been a hard one for me, not only the elections, but it's been one of my busiest ever as I downloaded and reconciled seven bank statements for the church, did 14 reports, and then worked on the budget...day after day.  As if my busy schedule wasn't enough, I've been dealing with a leaking roof (house) as well as patio roof.  The house roof is under warranty but the contractor went to prison, so much for my warranty.  I hired someone to apply the hot temp silicone and black goop that I bought in town...but then I noticed this week that the Killz paint I'd put on a couple of years ago was tacky.  That scared me to death, I lost sleep.  I put calls in to a roofing contractor, who still hasn't called me back.  I checked it every day.  I notice that the ceiling panels are not leaking between them where the leak was, so that's a good sign.  I notice the stains haven't worsened, have become white in the center, that's a good sign (it's drying out), and the paint is drying, also a good sign.  So far I'm not noticing any new leaking after the patching was done.  And for that I'm really thankful.  So right now I'm keeping an eye on it.  I think the insulation was wet which in turn caused the paint to get tacky...this is a sloped ceiling with no air above it, no attic (it's an old mobile home).  Fortunately it's next to the wood stove and gets more heat than anywhere else in the house and that's helping it dry out.

I've learned more about construction than I ever cared to know this year.

Gwen, I can relate to what you said.  I'm tired of being on my own and wanted to quit this week, but I'm hanging in there.  What are the options?

[iPraiseHim]

Wow, Kayc, you have a full plate.  I watched a very good movie called, " The Imitation Game"  It was very insightful and provocative.  Life is not black or white, but many different shades of gray.

Today, has been super busy. I have picked up all of the business I lost last month. I just need to keep up my energy and stamina to perform the work I have agreed to. 

Thanksgiving is in two weeks and I have been invited to two Thanksgiving dinners only three hours apart.  I will go to my sister's but I don't feel compelled to go to the other since it is a large gathering and I know only a few people.  I would rather be relaxing comfortably in my own home.  I will have work the next day. 

The season of the year has much less meaning for me now since I don't have my beloved Rose Anne to share it with.  I am thankful for what I have but it is not what it was.  Our anniversary is coming in December but it is hard to celebrate without her.  Tears still flow... life goes on.  - Shalom 

[Gin]

George,

I know what you mean about anniversaries.  Just had our 16th last week.  So sad without them.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, iPraiseHim said:

The season of the year has much less meaning for me now since I don't have my beloved Rose Anne to share it with.  I am thankful for what I have but it is not what it was.  Our anniversary is coming in December but it is hard to celebrate without her.  Tears still flow... life goes on.  - Shalom 

It is the same for me and has been for years.  The season starting losing meaning the sicker Steve got.  I'd say it has been a good. 4 years since it was anything it used to be.  We stopped decorating much and the idea of presents got lost knowing they had a 'shelf life' at the time.  We knew his would expire.  Takes the fun out of gifts.  It helped us to move to another plane of appreciating being together even more.   I definitely miss our old traditions and looking for gifts for him, I often see things now.  Our anniversary is in January and that will be hard.  There is nothing to celebrate beyond knowing we had them I our lives.  I liked the going out to dinner much better.  Go figure.  

[kayc]

15 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Life is not black or white, but many different shades of gray.

My son and his dad have always been linear thinkers and see life in black and white terms.  My daughter, however, is somewhat of a free spirit and artistic and I remember her telling my son, "There's a whole lot more shades of gray than there are black and white, Paul!"  So true.

[iPraiseHim]

The last couple of days, I have been bombarded with recurring thoughts that I felt I had already resolved.  They keep rearing their ugly heads as if to distract or sidetrack me.  I guess this is common but I hoped that this would subside or fade away.  They are startling thoughts and mind pictures and I am trying to discern what I am supposed to be learning from this part of grief.  Loneliness is a dragon I slay every day and I'm finding it more difficult to fight the darker thoughts of life. 

Fortunately, I am picking up more business this month which helps pay the bills.  The challenge is I feel like I'm gonna collapse as my muscles grow weaker and weaker.  I am trying to focus on the basics of survival again.  Plenty of good sleep, Healthy meals, movement, vitamins, minerals, plenty of water, etc... I still struggle to take care of myself.  It does not come naturally for me.  Tomorrow will bring new grace and mercies for the day.  Thanks for listening. It is easier to keep this in my head but better for my growth if I share it.  Maybe it will help someone else know that they are not alone in this grief.  - Shalom

[Gin]

George,

Believe me, you are absolutely not alone.  The loneliness is horrible and the thoughts from the past are overbearing.  Those last few days and weeks keep re-playing in my mind.  Grace and peace to you, friend.

Gin

[kayc]

Those final moments can haunt you, it's finally gotten a little better for me but it's only recently.  

Marty wrote an article that helps with that "haunting"...it can apply not only to those who weren't present at the moment of death, but for any of those haunting memories around that time.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

[Widowedbysuicide]

George I'm so sorry that you are having the recurring struggle.  I know that I'm not as far along on this journey but the same kinds of things are happening with me.  Your thoughts and writings are greatly appreciated.  It helps to know that what is happening isn't unusual.

Please take care of yourself.  This community cares about you and we need you.

[kayc]

George,

Do you have a condition that is causing your muscles to grow weaker?  If it's a struggle, have you talked to the doctor about it?  Maybe you could get on disability so you wouldn't have to struggle so much?

I just don't see how you can work any harder when it's already hard enough!  I'm worried about you!

[kevin]

Getting ready for a quick flight up North to visit family pre surgery/ Christmas all together....And hopefully pre Snow storm..Moved Christmas tree from kids theme room to living room...Lights all ready to go..Had them ready on Halloween...,,,,,,Going to wish you all the best........

[Brad]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

Those final moments can haunt you, it's finally gotten a little better for me but it's only recently.  

I find these "unwelcome" memories are more common as I approach significant days.  The facilitator of the support group I attend recommended I keep positive memories in my mind to replace those unwelcome memories when they occur.  For me this technique has been mostly effective but it is still a challenge to remember to replace those unwanted memories with the happy ones.  I still find myself occasionally fixating on the ugly ones.