Shock and Awe after 1 year

[kayc]

George, I'm so glad she came through it okay.  I was going to look up what it is but you scared me off, sometimes we're better off not knowing.  I worked for a doctor, he loved surgery, any chance he could get he'd sign up for hospital duty, so I know some love it.  It's a good thing God made us all different, somebody has to do it so I guess he puts the desire in some people's heart just for that.  Not me!

[iPraiseHim]

The procedure is a perfectly timed electroshock to get the heart back in rhythm.  The patient is unconscious and has no memory of it.  My sister bit her tongue but didn't know it was from the procedure.  She is doing well and says she feels more rested and at peace in her skin. She didn't realize there was an underlying nervous anxiety.  Her body was telling her something is off kilter.   Sometimes, it is better to just not know.  - Shalom

[iPraiseHim]

In my darker times, all I can do is read the post here and pray for others who are struggling with this after life after their loved ones depart.  This month has been a declining spiral of emotions and darker times.  It's difficult to share when there is no joy. I found out today that my Dad has shingles, my sister's AFIB is back, and my BIL is down for the count because it's the time of the month that he gets his injectable narcotics for pain management.  You can read between the lines. 

My work is steadily increasing, and I have been able to resolve some computer issues, but they just don't match the joy I had when my beloved wife and I were together (one).  I can't shake the feeling or the reality that I will not be able to see her again on this side of life. Tears, loneliness, pain, all are a part of this time of year.  Like others here, I'm just trying to ride out this storm past Valentine's day.  Another day I dearly loved to celebrate with my Rose Anne.  I proposed to her on that day and we originally planned to be married one year later. The practicality of life changed it to December 9th; and a few days later we signed the papers to buy our home as husband and wife.

When my wife was healthier, she dearly loved the Christmas season when we were together.  As her health declined, she had less energy to enjoy it so we just enjoyed each others company.  No that is gone.  ... This is a challenging month and reality BITES! - Shalom 

 

[kayc]

WARNING: CHRISTIAN VIEW

George, I'm sorry so much is going on and none of it good.  I'm glad your business has increased and hope you can keep up or hire some help.  My Christmas plans are looking pretty shaky at this point, lots of snow predicted to come in starting today...I hope not.
Still struggling with Arlie's health situation, as I've written in the pet section here.  Trying hard to keep my focus positive under all the circumstances...
I hope for better health for each one in your family.  Sometimes we can handle one such thing but put it all together and it seems overwhelming.  Try separating each thing you're dealing with and lifting it to God, one at a time.  You're in my thoughts and prayers, dear friend.

[Margm]

7 minutes ago, kayc said:

 

WARNING: CHRISTIAN VIEW

 

Yep, warning, prayers and blessings too.  George, I hope your family's health improves tremendously,  For this family, for Kay's family, her fur baby, and for Butch's family, I wish the best.  Please, Christmas is supposed to be the day of Jesus's birth, and we all know it is just the date observed.  Other religions do not recognize this date, some people do not recognize this occasion.  But for whatever religion you view, or if you view none at all, in your hearts please think of ways to lift up your own, and the rest of the people on this forum, and everywhere.  We have each had a rough time.  Sometimes it is easy to crawl into our own little hole and pull the dirt over our own problems, but we have to remember those that do have it worse than us.  I always think, when I think about my own problems (and I have a bunch), about griping because I have no shoes until I saw a man with no feet.  No matter how bad we have it, someone has it worse.  I am thankful for the crazy family I have left, and I miss my crazy family that have gone on.  We never had a washing machine with "normal" as a guide.  Bless you all and my mustard seed of faith will lift up prayers and hope they go further than the ceiling.  Your all in my heart.  

[Gwenivere]

Marg, I tried this approach of people having it worse and I know they do.  But what I found was I was invalidating myself and I had lots of people doing that already.  Yes, there are others suffering horrible things, but we have to live in our own worlds and honor (respect maybe) that pain.  I've learned so much compassion for others from this, that is only positive I have found.  Comparing my pain to others does not make me feel better.  This is mine and it is hell.  Theirs is theirs and also hell.  The best we can do is truly respect everyone that is suffering for whatever reason.  I don't feel I am worse or better than anyone here.  Just another trying to get thru the worst thing that has happened to me.  

[Margm]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I was invalidating myself and I had lots of people doing that already.

Honeychile, you know I don't have answers.  If I did, everyday would run so smooth.  As for what others think of me (right now I am questioning if that is far or for), like that makes a difference?  If I cannot speak good old plain redneck southern English, how can I possibly judge how someone should act?  Well, it is kinda like Louisiana weather, I run along kinda warm and a modicum of peace, and then I am looking up at the sky and seeing that shaggy haired, shaggy bearded man of mine and I just cry.  He has a big scar on his leg (see, I didn't even use past tense), where he threw a damn shotgun over a fence to climb the fence (did I mention he was a little more southern redneck than me? About 37 miles more southern).  Anyhow the gun discharged and took a big piece of the meaty, muscle portion of his lower leg.  He was lucky that was all it took. He had this smooth wide scar and today I could almost feel it.  I am not getting all sexed up here, just miss him so bad I can remember every part of him.  Yep, I have it bad (the grief part).  My cousin up in Michigan, we are so close, and her poor husband is a year older than me.  All state, all whatever in college running back, and he has had arthritis, inherited, and football associated too. All joints replaced.  She has gone through this with me and now her husband has blood clots in his lungs.  They will give him blood thinners, but that is dangerous too.  He has a pacemaker and this good ole southern boy, up in Michigan to be around his two doctor sons and their kids, and they all spend so much time together.  Both doctor sons have helped keep both of them, diabetics both, has kept them alive and I don't want my cousin to lose her husband.  I don't want her going through what we are going through and there is nothing I can do. 

Don't you worry about people validating or invalidating you because you taking care of you, and whatever you think of yourself is what counts. You are the one that counts, you are the one that has to take care of you. I just speak in word salads.  

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

 I am not getting all sexed up here, just miss him so bad I can remember every part of him.  

I just speak in word salads.  

I think we all do, even the sexed up part.  ?

Hope you are keeping a log of your word salads.  Think of the book it would make!

[Margm]

My son's first painting that he sold was of a woman in a strait jacket, tangled hair falling across her face, bent over on a black and white tile floor.  There was a crow in the picture, maybe more than one.  A neurologist that used to be a psychiatrist bought it for his office.  

They would use my word salads in psych institutes as word primers for the insane.  But, thank you.  

 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I tried this approach of people having it worse and I know they do.  But what I found was I was invalidating myself

I don't think it's good to compare.  Everyone's loss to them is the greatest, and rightly so.  It's not a competition to see who has it the worst, anyway.  Someone else's misery doesn't lighten my load any.

[Margm]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

Someone else's misery doesn't lighten my load any.

Today on FB one of my friends from half a century ago, still friends, her picture showed a fireplace with so many stockings I could not count them all.  The Christmas tree with all the presents around it.  The huge table set already with place settings.  Made me know I have to run to the $ store for more napkins and paper plates to set on my boxes.  One man's riches in family, health, wealth does not hinder my Christmas at all.  And, I am so happy she can still have her Christmas like this.  My cousin's Christmas looks like something out of a magazine.  My friend's house was all set up for her last Sunday dinner with her family, but she will be alone Christmas Sunday.  

I was just in my bathroom thinking "what if I pretend to have a nervous breakdown, can I stop all the stuff I have planned for tomorrow?"  

Nobody's feeling better or worse from someone else's gloom, but you have got to admit, we are all feeling a little bit better, no, I have to say this, I am feeling a truckload of happiness better at Butch's news.  I'm sorry some of us will be alone.  I am sorry some of us have such sorrow, but I am so happy that some families still have happiness, and maybe, just maybe it does lift my load a little.  I'm still thinking about the nervous breakdown excuse though.  

[KATPILOT]

Not a bad idea Marg. Can't you have a twenty four hour nervous breakdown?  I've heard of twenty four hour bugs.    I had a five hour one this morning that laid me to the bone.

But I know why. It's raining outside and it's Christmas- the two most romantic things Kathy and I loved to spend together. We would have been nestled under the covers stuck to each other like glue. Ah yes, tis the season to be jolly.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't think it's good to compare.  Everyone's loss to them is the greatest, and rightly so.  It's not a competition to see who has it the worst, anyway.  Someone else's misery doesn't lighten my load any.

This is so true, Kay.  There is a fellow volunteer I run into and every time she asks about me it's to lead into a story about either her or someone she knows that has (in her perception) much more devastating news.  Now I don't say anything but she persists.   I can feel compassion for others suffering, but it doesn't ease mine.  Outsiders may think that is cold, but then, as we all know, they don't get it.  This isn't who has the worst misery competition.

[Gwenivere]

Steve, my neighborhood is mostly young renters or owners.  The place is like a ghost town as they are all off with thier families or friends.  This isn't unusual, but we never really noticed because we had each other.  It's not really a break down for me (yet, the day is still young) but I am not leaving our tiny tree on all day and overnight as per tradition, I usually wear some cheap holiday jewelry for fun and there would be anticipation about the evening with lots of candles.  Can't fight my mind and reframe this into just another day.  It's been programmed as a special one for decades starting as a child.  It's like comparing misery.  I know there are a lot of people that are alone and comfortable in that because they never did celebrate.  This is one of those 'a leopard can't change its spots' time.  I was reading what I wrote the 1st Christmas he was gone and I feel the same way on this 3rd.  Well, at least I am consistent.   

[Gin]

I am having my daughter and her family over tonight.  I actually "cleaned" the house (picked up some) and will call in a pizza order soon(never did that before).  Got the table set and sat down.  All of a sudden I burst out crying. We all know why.  Things are not the way they should be.  I am grateful for the people in my life, but  I sure miss  my special one.

[Margm]

Selma, my neighbor, she is from here.  Lost her husband.  She "sits" with sick people to make a living.  She was having Christmas Eve dinner with her brother, eating out, and she told him she was going home to go to sleep on the couch.  He said "you don't need to be alone."  She said, "I want to be alone."  Her girls asked her to come to Dallas and she said she wanted to be by herself.  You don't argue with Selma.  She actually WANTED TO BE ALONE.  I'm not gonna bother her.  She was not sad.  She was tired.

Well, seriously, I am sure she was sad too.  But, she wanted to be alone with it.

[KarenK]

Just got home from candlelight service. I heard so many "Merry Christmas" that it must be true. I am just living in another dimension. Will now play some rousing Solitaire and then read more of my serial killer book. Sounds like fun to me. NOT

[Gwenivere]

Very brave of you, Karen.  I did my volunteering, uttered the holiday sentiments when necessary, got a pizza and came home.   Called one friend I knew didn't celebrate the holiday which helped.  I'm planning games in my iPad and finishing a Jeff Bridges movie that has nothing to do with Christmas.  That leaves tomorrow.  But that will come soon enough.  Yup, seems Christmas has left the building.

[kayc]

I need to get dressed in a while, walk the dog in 23 degree temperature on snow pack (brrr!) then try to make my way to church, back home to spend the day alone.  My thoughts will be of Butch and his family getting to see Noah, and oh how I hope Noah is cheered by a visit from Caleb!

[KarenK]

Kay,

Stay safe and keep warm! I hope that Arlie is doing well. These crazy dogs of ours will eat anything. Your post prompted me to look at the Munds Park webcam(a resident has one on his house). The snow is beautiful and I so wish I hadn't had to sell my place up there, but winter's are tough for a woman alone, as you well know.

At 2 AM, I found myself watching "The Cowboys", my favorite John Wayne movie. I knew that Ron was right there on the couch watching with me, as I'm sure that's how it would be. After four years, I am able to watch JW movies.

Babybacks in the slow cooker, we will have Christmas tonight when Robert gets off work. I am so thankful for him and David. Without them, I would be crazier than I am. I hope my Kentucky grandchildren are doing well. Maybe they will get in touch with me one of these days....................

Wishing each one of you a more peaceful year ahead.

[kayc]

It was a very different Christmas for me, being alone, but at least I had church in the morning and I stayed at worked at the church a few hours.  Came home to 1/2 sandwich and a cup of soup.  Walked Arlie and had phone calls until late.  Very different from usual.  Missed my daughter but her & her hubby were having a nice quiet dinner together.

[iPraiseHim]

98 weeks.

[Gin]

Sorry this is a hard time for you.  Wish you peace, George.

[scba]

I too wish you peace.

[Margm]

I have not put it in weeks George.  It actually was more calming, if you can use that word for this torrential storm we live, but to realize this Christmas he was not here last Christmas either.  Last Christmas, I was thinking "he was just here."  Nothing helps, but he was not "just here" he was gone last Christmas too.  I wish you peace also.