Shock and Awe after 1 year

[Margm]

2 minutes ago, Brad said:

recommended I keep positive memories in my mind

I wish all the quotes and recommendations would work for us all.  Unfortunately, I have two clay feet and slog through this life.  Still I wake up every morning, head for the bathroom and every morning expect to see Billy, but he is not there anymore.  Sometimes, acceptance is hard, but seems to be a necessity.  Even buying a new car without him, just knowing he is there, and that is not a specific date, just something that he has always been around for.  It will always be that way.  Then I remember something happening that is not good to remember, but somehow the anger hides some of the pain.  What do I want,  Your right Brad, it is best to keep positive memories.  In nearly 55 years there were a lot of memories that were not positive, but the last 25 years or so were just coasting down the stream, enjoying what we saw and did together.   I had rather be on the bank walking than fighting rapids alone.

A good analogy is having knee pain, back pain, shoulder pain.  Remember Heet liniment?  Wow, you put that on and the aggravation from the liniment is almost worse than the pain of the joints.  And, do not wipe your eyes with your hands, that stuff does not wash off.  So we treat the pain with all kinds of stuff.  Nothing helps for long, but we keep trying.  At least that is good.  We have to keep trying.  

I had an uncle  who said WD-40 helped his joint ache.  Hmmmm.  Wish this was just a joint ache.

I still buy pretty journals.  I am going to chart this course.  No, and I cannot go back and look what I posted yesterday even.  Today has to be better.  Maybe.   

[Cookie]

George:  It is a comfort to know you aren't the only one experiencing these things.  Just reading your post was helpful to me in that I too after 17 months am still plagued by those memories, and the loneliness is worse than ever.  So sorry for you and all of us.  I keep wondering if really will get better.  I feel very despairing sometimes.  I do think replacing happy memories with the bad ones is a good strategy, but it's the constant need to do this that gets exhausting.  I don't know you, but I am thinking of you and will keep you in my thoughts.  Thank you everyone for sharing....hugs Cookie

[Cookie]

Just now, Marg M said:

I wish all the quotes and recommendations would work for us all.  Unfortunately, I have two clay feet and slog through this life.  Still I wake up every morning, head for the bathroom and every morning expect to see Billy, but he is not there anymore.  Sometimes, acceptance is hard, but seems to be a necessity.  Even buying a new car without him, just knowing he is there, and that is not a specific date, just something that he has always been around for.  It will always be that way.  Then I remember something happening that is not good to remember, but somehow the anger hides some of the pain.  What do I want,  Your right Brad, it is best to keep positive memories.  In nearly 55 years there were a lot of memories that were not positive, but the last 25 years or so were just coasting down the stream, enjoying what we saw and did together.   I had rather be on the bank walking than fighting rapids alone.

A good analogy is having knee pain, back pain, shoulder pain.  Remember Heet liniment?  Wow, you put that on and the aggravation from the liniment is almost worse than the pain of the joints.  And, do not wipe your eyes with your hands, that stuff does not wash off.  So we treat the pain with all kinds of stuff.  Nothing helps for long, but we keep trying.  At least that is good.  We have to keep trying.  

I had an uncle  who said WD-40 helped his joint ache.  Hmmmm.  Wish this was just a joint ache.

I still buy pretty journals.  I am going to chart this course.  No, and I cannot go back and look what I posted yesterday even.  Today has to be better.  Maybe.   

Marg:  I can't read over my writing either.  Hey, WD40?  Who knew.  That stuff is good for everything it seems.  Sometimes when I bring up the positive memories, it makes me really sad and I miss him more.  I don't think I've gotten to that stage where I can feel good from the memories.  Does that finally happen?  It sounds like it works for some of you.  I mean the memories are good and I feel great affection thinking about them, but then it's like I get slapped down with sorrow.  Make any sense?  Good wishes to you all...Cookie

[Margm]

13 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Make any sense?

Perfect sense.  Good memories ache.  Bad memories are like the Heet liniment, does not help either.  But we have to keep trying.  Maybe having someone or something that depends on us helps the most.  Either the innocent fur kids or the human kind too. It does with me.  It is no bother, anything that gives us reason to keep living.  

[brat#2]

2 hours ago, Cookie said:

Sometimes when I bring up the positive memories, it makes me really sad and I miss him more.  I don't think I've gotten to that stage where I can feel good from the memories.  Does that finally happen?  It sounds like it works for some of you.  I mean the memories are good and I feel great affection thinking about them, but then it's like I get slapped down with sorrow.  Make any sense?  Good wishes to you all...Cookie

I have the exact same feelings, the good memories are great, but then I get really sad knowing that there won't be any more memories (good or bad) made with him.  I to hope that someday that I can feel good when I have those memories.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Gin]

Agree.  People tell me to focus on the good times.  That just doesn't work.  I miss Al so much and it is so sad that there will be no more good times together.

[Gwenivere]

I am so frustrated by this memory stuff too.  Memories are what Steve and I talked about or came up in conversation with others now and then.  They didn't hurt because they weren't all that I have left.  I don't reallly even think about the bad times anymore.  It's those darned good memories that are killing me.  They came to a screeching halt.  Bam! Done, over, no more...ever.  We can't live on memories.   That is the hard task of this grief.  So what to do?  The memories I am creating now are how I survive without the others.  It's not a rewarding existence.  Yippee, I got up another day to a world that reminds me that it is forever changed and always will be.  Everywhere I look I see memories.  Not another experience at the store, fast food place or wherever to add to the flow of our life.  I go to the hardware store for things and remember when we did projects together.  

I truly feel if another person tells me how lucky I am to have these memories I am going to explode and lash out.  Not just the ones in life who haven't experienced this, but even people here.  I'm so sick of being told how 'lucky' I was/am.  If any where I know I can say this it is here.  I do not feel lucky.  I feel broken.  I know my outlook is not healthy or even leaning positive about the future right now, i don't need to be reminded of that.  That is why I am in counseling frustrating her.  That is why I don't share my feelings with the very few people I talk much now unless I trust them not to try and fix me.  I am told I am resisting.  I'll agree to that.  I am resisting (and yes I know to my own detriment) ways I may feel better.  But it's where I am.  Am I choosing to feel miserable?  Can't answer that.  I surely don't want to but I don't know how to envision what life I have left without him even tho I have just spent 2 years doing so.  I was told it gets easier.  Well, I'm still waiting and doing what people do to live, finding I can handle problems we dud as a team alone and yet I feel no better.  Motivation, purpose, meaning.  They have to come from me and I am empty right now.  

I carry Steve in my heart every day.  When I wonder why I feel like I am going insane I just have to remember I've never been here before.  These are the times I feel I loved him too much.  Maybe that was my mistake, not that I had a choice.  Maybe that is my anger.  He walkiped into my life almost 40 years ago and then walked out.  I don't know how to fix that.  I will ask after writing this to please don't tell me again all I have read for almost a year about luck and positive times.  They hurt too much.

End of word salad.  How'd I do, Marg?  Give you  a run for your money?  :-)

 

 

[Margm]

Well Gwen, you did a good job.  But, I bet I beat you in the notes I go back and delete what I've said.  That is why I cannot keep a journal.  If I go back and read something, I now know how to delete it.  I do a lot of that.  

[kayc]

Kevin, I hope you enjoy your time with family and good luck with you surgery!  The snow predictions here did not materialize except for higher up in the Cascades, for which I was thankful as yesterday I had to travel to the valley to get my car worked on and to the doctor (who didn't have a record of my appt., grr), so I was concerned about snow greeting me on the way home and relieved it didn't happen.  It's one of those things you prefer when you're lounging around at home by a warm fire and no place to have to go to.   I hope you get no snow for your journey!  Let us know how everything goes...

[kayc]

On 11/16/2016 at 6:56 AM, Marg M said:

Even buying a new car without him, just knowing he is there, and that is not a specific date, just something that he has always been around for.  

My vehicles have all changed, I have all different pets now, even my clothes have all changed by now...it's weird to think those links to him are gone, but they really aren't what held him to me, it was he himself, his spirit, his personality, the love we shared, and that remains the same, even though we grieve all the little losses along the way like getting rid of a vehicle we'd bought together.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I truly feel if another person tells me how lucky I am to have these memories I am going to explode and lash out.  Not just the ones in life who haven't experienced this, but even people here.

I think it takes quite a ways down the road for this to help/work.  Yes, we're lucky to have had these experiences and memories, and yes some never got them, but that only serves to reinforce how great our loss is!  I'm sorry for that insensitivity...sometimes we are looking at things from one way rather than the encompassing of all the different ways we could see it.

[iPraiseHim]

I tried posting last night but it was lost in the ether. I've been real busy working and have another full day tomorrow.  Emotions are better yesterday and today. 

Kayc, I get aggravated at the constant pain in my left shoulder and the weakness of my legs.  It feels like they will collapse but I still stand. I'm trying to lose weight, reduce carbs, eat healthier, etc.. but the weight just doesn't seem to come off.  The  doctors would just prescribe pain meds that cause other side effects.  I would rather find out what is causing the pain and fix the problem.  My job is physical yet it is good exercise for me.  I feel worst when I am of from work. 

I have picked up several new jobs since my mountain retreat.  I still haven't had the time to check into the Health insurance. That needs to be done by Dec 15th. 

I visited my Dad yesterday and spent most of the afternoon and evening with him. He fixed a pot of pinto beans and cornbread.  He so looks forward to when I visit him. I'm enjoying the visits more and am able to help him with some of his computer problems. 

My Mom died nine years ago, on Saturday, November 24th two days after Thanksgiving.  It seems to have hit me harder this year because her death date was on the same day of the week.  This too shall pass. - Shalom  

[Margm]

George, my mom passed away in August.  You know I always write "guilt" when I am meaning grief.  I know one of these days I am going to grieve her.  Right now, I can only do what I can do.  I know Marty has written on here something about enough is enough.  And I think of that often.  I think Albert Camus was a philosopher I never quite understood.  But he said something about on the same measure.  

I'm glad you still have your dad and he sounds delightful.  I often wonder what would have happened if my mom went first, what my dad would have done.  I think he would have mourned the marriage he did not have, and never would have being married to my mom.  He would have played his country music at nursing homes and I think he would have probably married again.  My mom did not like people.  She preferred being a hermit, like my sister, but I think there must be/have been a loneliness somewhere in both of them.  

I think no matter how many times a person was married, there was always one special one.  And, I was lucky, I married for the purpose of leaving the madhouse I lived in, only to begat a family that could and still is a mad house at times.  Billy was used to the fighting.  I guess I was too, but I remember hiding under the table and bed to get away from it.  

Granddaughter is going car hunting with me today.  Still not excited.  Excitement sometimes is over rated I guess.  Still gotta find that folder, I obviously hid it from myself.  

[kayc]

Marg,

My mom passed in August too...2 1/2 years ago.

George, 

12 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I'm trying to lose weight, reduce carbs, eat healthier, etc.. but the weight just doesn't seem to come off. 

Boy do I know this one!  They say you need lots of protein to lose weight but I'm on restrictions because of gout.  It seems my dietary needs are always in conflict with each other so it's a compromise at best, but I do eat very healthy and watch what I eat.  

Be glad you didn't sign up for health ins the first day, their website was overloaded and you couldn't log on, and the phones were overloaded with long waits and disconnects.  The only bad thing about waiting is if they run out of insurance exchanges by the time you sign up.  I had only two providers to choose from.  If you choose a silver plan it's the best deal because they often offer you a better deal on deductible, etc. if you're low enough income.  Next year is when it'll hit me because I'll pay for Medicare and supplemental and won't have Obamacare supplement because once I file social security I won't qualify for much...but then it's a moot point because of the healthcare changes coming our way, who knows what it'll look like before they've figured it out.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

I think no matter how many times a person was married, there was always one special one.

Not true for everyone, my GF was married four times and each one was a louse.  But for me it was definitely true, only one really loved me and we had the greatest love possible!  I think that's true for those who are here, otherwise we wouldn't be grieving so hard!

[Margm]

We had one woman from a foreign country I did not understand.  Clearly she was grieving, but it did not see the same kind of grieving.  It seems to me grief is a common language in any country.  Billy was my lifelong friend and sometimes early on antagonist.  We sometimes thought I was going to leave.  The first three months I would take my petulant problem and sit on the front steps.  He would come beg me to stay.  We played this game often.  I threatened, he begged.  Then one time he did not come get me.  I did not threaten anymore either.  Clearly we had worn that game out.  So, I was married for close to 55 years to a different person quite often.  It was never dull.  Sometimes I wished to die of boredom, but I never did.  I'm glad we grew to understand, respect and love each other the last half of our marriage and tackle all the problems.  I grew up with my best friend and in the end, I WAS him, and he STILL IS me.  Not in a hurry.  Not going to be pressured.  My need for the car is personal, not something that has to be done now.  I am looking at all of them.  I think Billy is telling me not to get nervous and don't take any BS.  I'm cool. 

[Gin]

My last marriage with Al was the best ever.  We really adored one another.  We only had each other for 16+ years but were  so grateful to find one another at our age!

[iPraiseHim]

Wishing a blessed Thanksgiving for everyone.  Shalom

[Margm]

On 11/18/2016 at 9:45 AM, kayc said:

my GF was married four times and each one was a louse

I have two friends that were married 4-5 times.  Always trying to find that one.  I married the first one and he was "that one" but I didn't know it at the time.  Took over 50 years for us both to know beyond any doubt that each was "that one."  One friend, her husband was killed by a butane tank, that was her 5th, and I think he was "that one."  We take so much for granted.  

We wish for man's inhumanity to man to end.  We each have to do our part before that happens.  But, unfortunately, we have to be on the alert still.  

I hope everyone has as good a Thanksgiving as they can have.  I remember Mama running around the house with her bandanna tied around her hair.  Mama still believed in using everything, gizzard, liver in the giblet gravy.  Mama was a true deep country woman.  My friend said now I could find myself.  I'm still looking.  Don't know who will be here except my sister and granddaughter.. Son will come by later.  He is at Billy's and my nephews house.  That man loves to cook.  My daughter is still estranged. (She called me three times this morning, Mama is still important to her). Some times too many words are said that should not be said.  Mental illness is a terrible disease that touches all who come within distance of this anomaly.  

Addendum:  I did stop at her house earlier and hugged her.  She had company for Thanksgiving, and I am glad she was not alone.  It never dawned on me that after we were all grown and had families of our own, going to his folks, going to my folks, that there was the little lone grandmother who had lost that big family, still hurt from her husband dying, and now all her family was gone.  Precious little country mouse that would not ask anything  of anyone, but still saved all her meager earnings from that little corner country store and left each one of those selfish "kids" a gift of money and land.  Funny how you remember things when it is too late.  

We are thankful for what we have, empty for what we have not.  

[KarenK]

Marg,

Your last line says it all.

I wish a peaceful Thanksgiving to each of you.

Karen

[iPraiseHim]

Today is our wedding anniversary but is nothing like the day we said "I do".  It's still surreal that she is not here.  It was a long, hard work day, with a long traffic delay to get back home.  I am too exhausted to really contemplate the day.  I am off for the next three days.

I ask for prayers of healing and recovery for my sister, Sharon.  She needs to be admitted to the hospital for three days to prep her and perform a cardio aversion.  Her top chambers are beating differently that the lower chambers cause atrial fibrillation, repaid heart rate and high blood pressure. There is a drug they need to administer and monitor to minimize the side-effects of the procedure.  Thank you. -Shalom, George

 

[MartyT]

We are holding your sister Sharon in our thoughts and prayers, dear George. Keep us posted, know that we are thinking of you, and try to get some rest this weekend  ♥

[Widowedbysuicide]

George you and your sister are in my prayers during this difficult time.  

Hoping you can find some comfort in knowing you were so deeply loved by your bride.

[kayc]

Has she already gone into the hospital, George?  I will pray for her...for you too, it's hard watching your loved one go through something.

[Margm]

George, glad you can get rest.  I hate anniversary and "special" dates that bring back those memories..  Maybe one day the memories will comfort us, but right now the "scar tissue" covering our wounds hurts.

George, will pray for your sister.  Hope I can get them further than the ceiling.  In our group of friends we have prayer warriors and I always feel safer with them praying for me because they are warriors.  I am just a fledgling private in that fox hole that no atheists abide with me in that place.  I have my faith the size of the mustard seed, and I hope it grows.  You and your family are close.  That means so much.