Shock and Awe after 1 year

[enna]

For all of us who have those nights of sleeplessness ~

Marg ~ (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

George ~ I'm so glad you caught up on some sleep ~ have fun with family

Gwen ~ I so understand about having a doctor for a very long time ~ I have had only two Primary Docs since 1973 and they both are happy when I take part in my own health care.

[Margm]

That is why I won't look in the mirror.  Love this.  

[Gwenivere]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

Nowadays the trend is they'll only see you for one thing at a time.  Anything else and you have to schedule another appointment for each thing.  I always brought my LIST in to my doctor!

That is what I do too, Kay.  I know I will never remember everything I want to talk to him about and want to make the most out of the visit.  I've never been told I need another apt. for multiple discussions.  That is what a primary care doc is for.  It's the specialists I see that are responsive only to thier area.  When I have asked opinions they always say talk to the other doc.  Ugh.

[iPraiseHim]

3 hours ago, enna said:

How did you get my picture?  Yes, I'm awake and need to go back to sleep to wake up again in 3 hours.

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I've never been told I need another apt. for multiple discussions.

I haven't from my doctor, but I made one visit to an Obamacare doctor and she was a doctor from Hell!  Would not go back, she even set a timer!  Refused to look at my torn tendons, said it wasn't covered!  ???  Put in my medical records that I'm a "drinker".  What?!  I don't even drink!  When I tried to get her to remove it, she said I'd have to make another appt.  What?!  I reported her, never heard back.  My old doctor said they'd take me so I went back to them (again, their office help screwed up their communications).

[kayc]

9 hours ago, enna said:

For all of us who have those nights of sleeplessness ~

I made it to 3:30 am this morning!  That beats 2:30!

[iPraiseHim]

I finished all of the business quarterly tax reports that are due at the end of the month; cooked 6 lbs of corned beef, washed clothes, and forwarded some information to my sister to help her reverse the Type 2 Diabetes.  It is a productive day.

Friday, Someone was pounding on my door at 8pm.. pitch black outside.  I waited...   thankfully no one tried to enter from the back of the house.  I checked the front storm door and they pulled the handle so hard that it broke the metal latch that secured the door.  That has been repaired.  I plan to get a front porch light with a motion sensor that will turn on automatically so I can see who is coming.  Home invasions occur by people just knocking on the front door... be alert and careful 

Wed, my two aunts plan to visit for a few days, and then later, I will retreat to the mountains for a few days.  My plan is to relax, unwind, not think about business and thoroughly enjoy the beautiful fall leaves and mountain driving.  It will be my third visit to the area that my friends offer me to use.  I am richly blessed.  I am learning to take some time to relax and refocus on what are the important things in life. 

I hope that when I return I will be recharged and focused to work on increasing business, hiring an additional worker, and saving for retirement in 10-15 years.  I have some ambitious goals and need the strength, grit, and stamina to pull it off.  - Shalom 

[Margm]

31 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

I have some ambitious goals

You give hope to us all George.  Enjoy that drive.

[kayc]

I don't know, Marg, I hear "ambition" and just feel tired. Maybe because I got up at 3:45 am?

George, enjoy some much needed time away!

[brat#2]

George, glad you are safe.  Good idea about the motion light.  Have a safe trip and enjoy the mountains. 

Joyce

 

[iPraiseHim]

I came across this video and she talked about learning to breathe again.  I have not heard of this person before tonight.  When she speaks of how she deals with her grief from a christian perspective it speaks volumes to me.

I hope it will help you to see another side of grief.  There are additional videos .  - Shalom 

[Gin]

George,. Thank you.  That was very inspiring.   I do not have the influence, talent or support that she has, but I am trying to influence my tiny little circle of friends.   Sometimes I do not think I make any difference to anyone, but I will keep trying.

Gin

[kayc]

Oh Gin, you make a difference to all of us here!  I do know the feeling though, I've struggled with that off and on...it's not the same as making a huge difference to that one person that we shared our lives with, is it.

[mittam99]

4 hours ago, Gin said:

Sometimes I do not think I make any difference to anyone, but I will keep trying.

Gin

Gin, I know it's easy in this new life to feel like nothing matters or that you don't make a difference. The fact that you are still trying is really all that matters and it says a lot about you as a person. You are much stronger than you even realize.

[Margm]

Gin, sometimes I feel like just giving up too, but giving up means I let some people down.  I think of it a lot of times like birds teaching their young to fly.  Most times I feel like we never taught ours to fly at all and our wings were clipped also.  I keep reminding myself that you won't get stepped on if your not lying on the floor.  It is hard for us to pick ourselves up sometimes.  But the fact that you come on here is one step you and I both make.  We come around people who understand us and it really gets me to feeling like why do I care if anyone else understands. (And really, that is one of my least problems, I don't care if anyone else understands.  You all do.)  That is all the verification I need.  My sister understands finally.  Last night I was writing to a friend and telling about my daughter's cysts/tumors on her brain.  After nearly a half-century in typing medical words, this simple word "dermoid" just totally escaped my mind.  At one time there was not a medical word that I could not spell and we were not allowed spell checks because it was before spell checks for us state medical transcriptionists, so we had books to learn to spell them.  We never relied on a spell check.  I used to look everything up but when my colon ruptured I did not touch Google.  When Billy was sick, I did not touch Google, and now Kelli has the dermoid tumors, I did look them up once, but won't read any further.  I know my body and I know my limitations.  I  know I do not take care of it.  It is like if I take care of it I might live.longer.  I will go to doctor Friday and see what all is wrong that can be fixed and will live with the things that can't.  I have a granddaughter to take care of, but my daughter is taking steps for better care of herself to bring back the person before she started taking all those psychotropic drugs.  So many of them cause diabetes and I wonder just how much Big Pharma has to do with all this.  (I have been watching too many Criminal Minds).  

I want to go walking.  I walked at the other place, all the time.  Now my muscles and bones ache because I do not use them.  I know I need a new regimen started and even with a diet that is unhealthy, I can do more healthy things and take supplements.  I have no trouble gaining weight, so I don't have a weight reducing illness.   I have lots of problems that cannot be fixed, but maybe if I take care of myself I can live.  My little grandmother on one side lived to be 94 before a stroke took her and she had lost a kidney to tuberculosis and had four children in the early 1900's..  My other grandma had my kind of cancer, did not take care of herself, had blood poisoning (sepsis), nervous breakdown and had seven children in 10 years from the time she was 15-16 to 25-26.  She lived to be 84.  And that was not taking care of herself.  My mom lived to be 95, and never had anything wrong but mental.  I am a compilation of all of them, so I guess I can live if I want to.  

I don't really feel I have to live for my friends, or even my family really.  Like Billy said, if I had died, I would not worry about anything.  But Gin, you and I both have to start taking care of ourselves, Gwen too, Cookie, Karen, all of you on here.  It is like when I would cry until I could not breathe and not breathing seemed so easy and painless and actually wonderful, no fear..  But, we are responsible for ourselves, whether anyone in our family cares or not, whether any of our friends care or not.  We have to care enough for ourselves to make it through this.  I think that is why I try to read all the books of widows and widowers and how they coped.  The thing was, they did cope.  I have got to try to take care of myself and be friendlier and smile again.  Not for other people.  I have to do it for me.  If there is a purpose, we do not do it for our mates that are gone, we do it for ourselves.  We put on a smile, or we don't put on a smile, we just plow right down that aisle of people at Walmart and sometimes if you look up and smile, that person will smile back.  If they don't smile, you think they must be having a worse day than you.  Smiles are contagious, even if we don't feel like it.  Seeing them smile back brings up that "worth it meter" just a tiny bit.  I think I might even add a little red paint to this old barn.

[MartyT]

43 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 I have got to try to take care of myself and be friendlier and smile again.  Not for other people.  I have to do it for me.  If there is a purpose, we do not do it for our mates that are gone, we do it for ourselves.  

Yes, Marg, exactly. Do it for YOU. Love yourself as much as you love your Billy, and take care of yourself as well as you took care of him all those many years. 

I love what you say about smiling. Remember this beautiful song? 

 

 

[Margm]

33 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Remember this beautiful song

I knew what it was even before I brought it up.  "Smile though your heart is breaking" and how true is that?  Thanks Marty.

And just think, we lived when Nat King Cole lived.  I loved his daughter too.

[MartyT]

Their voices were as smooth as velvet. Those were the days when I could listen to music that didn't sound like noise, and I could even understand the words that were sung. {sigh} Now I DO sound like an old lady  

[Margm]

One thing I did not want to hear is rap music.  Going to the washateria the other day on one side of the apartments was a car that shook with rap sounds and next to the dumpster on the other side was rap.  Even with Elvis, we did have music.  The Four Tops, The Shirelles, (sp?), Frankie Valli, The Pretenders, and Bobby Vee, who we just lost.  That was music.  Even my granddaughter likes it.  Verses meant something, not just noise.  I like that part of "old."

[MartyT]

Me, too  ♥

[kayc]

Marg, it's good to hear you talking about living, that's a good sign!

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

If there is a purpose, we do not do it for our mates that are gone, we do it for ourselves.  

We put on a smile, or we don't put on a smile, we just plow right down that aisle of people at Walmart and sometimes if you look up and smile, that person will smile back.  If they don't smile, you think they must be having a worse day than you.  Smiles are contagious, even if we don't feel like it.  Seeing them smile back brings up that "worth it meter" just a tiny bit.  

You are so right, Marg.  This is when we learn to do for ourselves now.  It's not an easy thing to do as we all know.

i do smile at people.  I try and talk with strangers when in line to check out.  Try and connect with people as I can in the world.  It does help some.  Isolation is tough and tho I might not remember it later in the day, I know it has got to help.  I do wonder about people that are put off by it.  They are unhappy for some reason or possibly uncomfortable with strangers.  All we can is try.

[iPraiseHim]

An interesting day.  My two aunts did arrive today and all of us went to dinner.  One of my aunts surprised us by mentioning that their brother (Uncle Butch) will be coming into visit late tomorrow night.She said that she told my Dad by e-mail but he was totally surprised and taken aback.  Apparently she has been planning this family get-together for some time. All of the siblings have not been together in over twenty years.

My aunt asked me if I was okay with seeing my uncle.  I said I was okay with it. Apparently she knows something happened between us a long time ago and we have not spoken since then. I have forgiven him but our lifestyles and beliefs are vastly different.  There have been some questionable transactions that have occurred with almost every family member. It will make for an interesting visit on Friday.  Family.  You can't chose them, you just need to deal with them.

My sister just informed me that she may be admitted to the hospital on Friday due to her AFIB and high blood pressure readings for the last few weeks. Praying for her healing and recovery.

I had planned to get away for a few days. I will have to wait and see now.  Life is full of challenges.  - Shalom 

[Margm]

39 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

All we can is try.

For sure.  I had joy when I would meet people in any circumstance before.  Now I have to manufacture joy, and I do feel a little better when they smile back.  I wish I just was as interested in people as I used to be and then again, I wish I was as interesting as I used to act.  

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,

I think I would have liked to know The Bard.  He was one smart dude.  He fits throughout the ages.

George, enjoy your time with your relatives.  Our family reunions used to get rowdy.  But, I did not know what the word meant until I went to just family gatherings with Billy.  

 

[MartyT]

And we will keep your sister in our prayers, too, dear George.  ♥