Gone for a bit but back again

[WolfsKat]

Got caught up in a lot of "stuff" and health issues, so have been "AWOL" a bit......have missed reading your posts and learning........this is such a damned difficult path to trek, I know that this is one of the very, very few places where others "get it" about losing your beloved spouses/mates.  I'm almost at five months a widow.....although I'm "functional", it truly is quite difficult to find a consistent source of any joy or caring to struggle on in a world without my beloved.  I long to die, at times, just in the hope we will be reunited. And....then, the guilt sets in....for I have my kids (grown) that love me.....so how could I long for something that would inflict this horrible burden of grief upon them?  It is a quandary. I just hate knowing that I will never again, in this lifetime....be able to see/touch/share life with my husband. It is like going from a Technicolor existence to a drab black & white. And....then the guilt kicks in yet again.......I should WANT to continue on, and be "happy", if only for my family's sake....right?  I am getting very accomplished at wearing a mask around others.......many think I should be "over it" at almost 5 months out, and any display of grief immediately makes them uncomfortable, and they back waaaaaaaaaaay off. So....when I get the "How are you doing?"......my answer, invariably, is "Fine".  Thanks for allowing a place to let this out, w/out judging!

[kayc]

I don't see how anyone can expect us to be over this in five months...I don't think it's something we "get over" like the mumps, but rather have to learn to live with.  It is important to have good in our lives and part of this journey is learning to recognize and appreciate the good that is still there...and attempting to build good into our lives.  It's not a simple or quick process but it's one we are doing!

[scba]

Dear wolfskat, welcome back. I too wear a mask and go through days in which I want to disappear and join him but I cannot fathom my parents and siblings going through this hell. As Marg says, the one who stay must live. It is a choice and at the same time there is no choice.

 

[Margm]

When your gone, you are missed.  I find my mother's instinct worrying about you all when you are absent.  I am still worried about Debi from Brussels.  

I have been so down that suicide entered my mind, but I could think of nothing that would not traumatize my family.  Pure selfishness.  I shake my fist to Billy often and say, "okay, I have to stay."  I still have work to do.  We all do.

 

[iPraiseHim]

1 hour ago, WolfsKat said:

Got caught up in a lot of "stuff" and health issues, so have been "AWOL" a bit......have missed reading your posts and learning........this is such a damned difficult path to trek, I know that this is one of the very, very few places where others "get it" about losing your beloved spouses/mates.  I'm almost at five months a widow.....although I'm "functional", it truly is quite difficult to find a consistent source of any joy or caring to struggle on in a world without my beloved.  I long to die, at times, just in the hope we will be reunited. ...  I just hate knowing that I will never again, in this lifetime....be able to see/touch/share life with my husband. It is like going from a Technicolor existence to a drab black & white. And....then the guilt kicks in yet again.......I should WANT to continue on, and be "happy", if only for my family's sake....right?  I am getting very accomplished at wearing a mask around others.......many think I should be "over it" at almost 5 months out, and any display of grief immediately makes them uncomfortable, and they back waaaaaaaaaaay off. So....when I get the "How are you doing?"......my answer, invariably, is "Fine".  Thanks for allowing a place to let this out, w/out judging!

WolfsKat, you will discover that those of us grieving understand your pain and loss.  Most of the world do not understand this deep pain and grief when our spouses die.  The bond is so close and so deep.  They can only perceive what they have experienced.  I learn to just say, "OKAY" because most people really can not relate and comprehend this type of loss. I have come to learn that it takes time and it just takes whatever time it takes.

Nancy Reagan just passed away and she said recently she was still grieving for her husband, Ronnie.  I don't believe we ever get over it.  We gradually learn to get through life despite our loss.  I find that I cannot conform to other people expectations on how I should grieve.  We all must find our way.  This group is a great place to just share and get it out of your head and shared with others who understand and care. 

My final advice is "Don't SHOULD on yourself" it will only mess you over.  Just take each moment as it comes.  You are not alone in this special place.  Thanks for sharing and trusting us.  Shalom 

[KATPILOT]

8 hours ago, scba said:

Dear wolfskat, welcome back. I too wear a mask and go through days in which I want to disappear and join him but I cannot fathom my parents and siblings going through this hell. As Marg says, the one who stay must live. It is a choice and at the same time there is no choice.

 

I think scba that the one's we leave behind and the pain they would be put through helps prevent us from taking our own lives. But I've heard of others doing it and now as a person who past the "suicide stage", I see it differently. I used to be angered when I would hear of someone killing themselves as I thought it so selfish. Having gone through such despair and pain I now think first of the anguish they were feeling and how intense their pain was that it drove them to do so. Many of us were lucky that we had guilt, or good counseling, or family and friends supporting us. Whatever tools we used, we made it through the darkest of our hours.

WolfsKat , the desire does leave us and whatever tools we employ are all that counts. When we have health issues and we have lost our loves, it seems even harder.  One day when you are further along your travel, you may look back as I do and see how you are in a better place yet not regretting why you are feeling as you have. It is a journey. It is an adventure though that word does not always imply joy.  We adapt and we find joy wherever and whenever we can.

[Cookie]

Wolfskat:  It is a quandary, the wanting to die and wanting to live.  No good choices, no good answers.  I, too, feel that very thing.  I find myself wishing I would just drop dead and will eat all the wrong food sometimes thinking I might have a heart attack.  Why can't there be much shelter from all this pain; why does it have to hurt so terribly; what is the value in all this--those tend to be my questions on really bad days.  I keep hearing you never get over it, but learn to manage.  I'm not sure managing is to exciting a concept.  I would hope to have some joy and peace again; know love again.....warmly Cookie

[Guest Janka]

15 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

 This group is a great place to just share and get it out of your head and shared with others who understand and care. 

I don´t think that everyone here in the forum understands,George.Of course,I speak of my experience.There are many great people here who do understand and some of them are real friends.I had to endure enough here,not only me,including attacks on the faith.That´s true.

Shalom!

Janka

[Gwenivere]

17 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Most of the world do not understand this deep pain and grief when our spouses die.  The bond is so close and so deep.  They can only perceive what they have experienced.

 I find that I cannot conform to other people expectations on how I should grieve.  We all must find our way.  This group is a great place to just share and get it out of your head and shared with others who understand and care. 

My final advice is "Don't SHOULD on yourself" it will only mess you over.  Just take each moment as it comes.  You are not alone in this special place. 

George, I think you summed this up as best it can be with these bullet points.  It seems we all need reminding of them as exposure to the outside world can keep tripping us up.  The not understanding, the expectations of conformity and those nasty 'shoulds'.  What is the hardest is the being alone physically.  I know coming here helps beyond measure, but when I step away from the computer, the reality is often overwhelming.  I don't know the right way to do this grieving thing, but I have found some ways that are wrong for me.  We're all just forging paths into up unknown territories with no guide.  It's the only trek I have ever had to do like this in my life.  It's become so intense that I can't get it off my mind no matter what.  All mental trails lead back to my husband.  Every day brings questions if what I am trying to do so that life is maybe tolerable again.  Each moment as it comes, as you say.  It's just a bummer when most of them are so intense.  I really wish I could get lost in something else for just a short time.

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I think scba that the one's we leave behind and the pain they would be put through helps prevent us from taking our own lives. But I've heard of others doing it and now as a person who past the "suicide stage", I see it differently. I used to be angered when I would hear of someone killing themselves as I thought it so selfish. Having gone through such despair and pain I now think first of the anguish they were feeling and how intense their pain was that it drove them to do so. 

I felt as you did about suicide til this happened.  Certainly not over breakups or school or other things I could see as temporary obstacles.  The adage was a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  But now that I have been experiencing this, I totally understand it.  I don't advocate it, of course, but it sure made me see things differently and perhaps more empathetically.  

[iheartm]

1 hour ago, Janka said:

I don´t think that everyone here in the forum understands,George.Of course,I speak of my experience.There are many great people here who do understand and some of them are real friends.I had to endure enough here,not only me,including attacks on the faith.That´s true.

Shalom!

Janka

I have not read anything that attacked anyone's faith and I read nearly all posts here. I have seen people that are so tied up in their grief (rightfully so) that they begin to doubt their faith or wonder if they should believe. They wonder why they have not received a sign from their loved one and the lack of that causes a lot of sadness and questioning. If that is how they are feeling, that should be respected. We all grieve in different ways and have no idea how it will show itself until we are in the situation. We also are in no position to take the experiences of others and adopt them as our own.

[Guest Janka]

I don´t agree and please,don´t reply to my post,because I have enough hurting.

Thank you!

Janka

[Guest Janka]

20 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

Got caught up in a lot of "stuff" and health issues, so have been "AWOL" a bit......have missed reading your posts and learning........this is such a damned difficult path to trek, I know that this is one of the very, very few places where others "get it" about losing your beloved spouses/mates.  I'm almost at five months a widow.....although I'm "functional", it truly is quite difficult to find a consistent source of any joy or caring to struggle on in a world without my beloved.  I long to die, at times, just in the hope we will be reunited. And....then, the guilt sets in....for I have my kids (grown) that love me.....so how could I long for something that would inflict this horrible burden of grief upon them?  It is a quandary. I just hate knowing that I will never again, in this lifetime....be able to see/touch/share life with my husband. It is like going from a Technicolor existence to a drab black & white. And....then the guilt kicks in yet again.......I should WANT to continue on, and be "happy", if only for my family's sake....right?  I am getting very accomplished at wearing a mask around others.......many think I should be "over it" at almost 5 months out, and any display of grief immediately makes them uncomfortable, and they back waaaaaaaaaaay off. So....when I get the "How are you doing?"......my answer, invariably, is "Fine".  Thanks for allowing a place to let this out, w/out judging!

Dear Kat,

I´m so glad to hear from you again!I missed you so much!Please,come back here as often as possible to let us know how you´re doing.

Wish you all the best!

With love Janka

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Janka said:

I don´t agree and please,don´t reply to my post,because I have enough hurting.  

Response deleted in respect to Janke and Marty.

Edited March 13, 2016 by Gwenivere
Respect for the group

[Guest Janka]

4 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

We are all hurting.  You posted your right to disagree with hearthm.  You can't take the right from someone else.  Everyone has the right to respond to public posts.   I am sorry you are hurting, but the forum is about being able to express differing views.  If you don't want anyone to disagree, about the only thing you can do is not post anything.  I'm sorry you feel attacked, but you never were.  We shouldn't have to apologize for expressing ourselves.  I never intended to hurt you with almost inwrote and apologized for it publically and privately.  You chose to ignore it.  So simetimes we have to step back and see that we can hurt others by ignoring thier attempts to make things right.

sorry to all to air this here.  But freedom to speak is what I see as the foundation of this place gif us all.

Some of you who hurt me I´ll ignore.

Thank you!

Janka

[MartyT]

I must step in to say that it hurts my heart to see us throwing nasty comments at each other. That is not what we are here for and it's not what we're about! 

Janka, I'm sorry if you feel as if someone here has offended you, but I must say that I read every single post that appears in these forums, and I've never found any evidence of anyone saying anything that I've seen as having the intention of hurting you personally. Of course, I am not privvy to whatever goes on with Private or Personal Messages sent between individual members. I'm concerned only with what appears in our (very public) forums. 

Perhaps we have a language barrier going on, since I know that English is not your native tongue.

In any event, please know that I will not allow these forums to be used to air arguments between and among individual members, and if these sorts of comments continue in this vein, in this or any other thread, I will not hesitate to delete them ~ either as individual comments, or as the entire thread. (I have stated many times, in the 13 years I've been moderating these forums, that when the topic of individual faith or religious beliefs comes into play, we always run the risk of offending someone. See, for example, this most recent post. That is why I try to nip them in the bud, whenever I see evidence of such conversations going on.)

[WolfsKat]

Thanks to all for welcoming me back. I really HAVE missed so many of you, although that sounds odd.  Such a rollercoaster, this grief........the "lows" are so godawful wrenching it seems as if it impossible to live through them........and yet, we do. At times this continued existence seems like a prison sentence to me.....a  punishment. Life should NOT feel like a punishment!  I hope, in time......to have more good days than bad ones. Coming here does help......and I thank all of you for sharing your journeys here, blessings to you all!

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

At times this continued existence seems like a prison sentence to me.....a  punishment. Life should NOT feel like a punishment!  I hope, in time......to have more good days than bad ones. 

I couldn't have put that or any of your post in better words.  I was doing a minor task a bit ago and it hit me like it has been doing a lot lately that this does feel like a punishment.  Life without meaning and love is too cruel for social beings as we are.  I know there are people that live that way by choice and it works for them.  I don't know how, but it does.  It feels so unfair that we gave our all to ease our dearest thru thier struggle and be left to a new one we could have never imagined.  Life never felt like a punishment, or even in times of unfairness, as something I thought I could ever hate.  I know all our goals are to have more better than bad days, but I get impatient wanting just a little respite from the storm.  What little ones I get see so short lived I dont even count them anymore.  There is a discussion in anther forum (forget which) about regrets of anything we did or missed helping our partnered and I have none.  I think that is why I am so baffled and beat up wondering why when I made the biggest sacrifice of letting him go I feel so cheated.  To give your all and then be left alone is beyond unfair.  I find myself doing things and still wondering why I feel so detached and go duh!  Steve was never dead before!  No matter how much time passes that has changed every single moment I live now.  I don't want to be rewarded of praised for my diligence, I just want that love to flow both ways again.  

[kayc]

Oh my dear Gwen,

I believe with all my heart that love does flow both ways, we just have a veil between us that prevents us from reaching each other like we'd like to.  I feel as you do, and I'm sure everyone else does too, like we're being punished, but for what?  We were amazing to each other!  Our relationship couldn't have been better!  Not that we're perfect, but we were perfect for each other and understood and cared about each other!  I know this isn't a "punishment" but sometimes it has felt like it.  I guess because it's so unfair...you see other couples that don't treat each other like we did, yet they manage to stay alive and don't even begin to appreciate what they have!

[scba]

Kay, I totally echo your comment. It feels like a punishment (but for what exactly?) and we are left here to watch other couples going on with their own lives even though they don't love or respect each other or are tired of their marriage/couple/routine. Or the opposite, we witness caring loving couples. It hurts. I avoid couples or I anesthetize myself when I am among them.  I used to thought: "I'm so lucky, my boyfriend this and that". I have to use past tense. It hurts. And who could care anymore how my boyfriend loved me? Who is going to be interested in a to-be old story? 

It hurts and it is unfair.

[brat#2]

You all said exactly what I'm feeling, like I'm being punished but for what, truly loving someone?  I've had so many losses of loved ones in my life already and I felt that with them too, but this is, of course, much worse.  I've lost my soul mate, love, friend, protector.  We weren't perfect people either, but we were for each other and that made our life full and satisfying.  Seeing other couples, even on TV, breaks my heart, but just have to keep trying to go on.  Unfair!

Joyce

[hollowheart]

38 minutes ago, scba said:

Kay, I totally echo your comment. It feels like a punishment (but for what exactly?) and we are left here to watch other couples going on with their own lives even though they don't love or respect each other or are tired of their marriage/couple/routine. Or the opposite, we witness caring loving couples. It hurts. I avoid couples or I anesthetize myself when I am among them.  I used to thought: "I'm so lucky, my boyfriend this and that". I have to use past tense. It hurts. And who could care anymore how my boyfriend loved me? Who is going to be interested in a to-be old story? 

It hurts and it is unfair.

Exactly. I'm not doing this in the terms of being in a couple, but I still feel the same when I'm out and about and see others having fun. I feel the same about the prison sentence. I am just tired of being miserable and sad and lonely. Seconds before I typed this I had a flash of things me and my sister had done together and I knew I would never do it again, it almost made me vomit. It hits me that hard and violently.

We used to always go to the Body Worlds exhibit at the museum every time it came, I don't know why I thought of that but I thought "no more getting excited about the museum newsletter and all the new exhibits, no one to go with. No more fun to be had".

I was on facebook (stupidly) about a month after she passed and someone had posted going out for their sister birthday. That's when I knew my life was going to become this game of "avoiding". I gotta dodge and weave from people and hope I don't hear about celebrations or exchanges that remind me of what I dont' have anymore. I cringe just hearing the word "sister". I almost hate hearing it now because I don't have one anymore. And thus is the prison sentence for me. What kind of life is this? I hate always being sad. I mentioned it to a friend and she brought up the dreaded phrase "new normal" So my new normal is being sad all the time? What does that even mean?

SCBA, I hear you. You would have be like "me and my boyfriend used to do...." And for some reason it feels like it would get old always telling stories from the past.

 

[mittam99]

All of us in grief need all the love and support we can get. This grief journey is hard!  And this forum has been a true blessing for me and so many others. To be able to speak of the pain of grief and know that people understand it, makes a huge difference in our healing. It feels like we are all in this together. And that's a great thing.

Janka, I was taken aback by some of your posts in this thread. Shocked, actually. This isn't meant as any sort of personal "attack". Just an observation. Like you, I come here for a sense of comfort. And I enjoy the feeling of being with people who understand what I'm going through. The truth is, I've personally seen nothing but love and kindness sent your way.

I hope you look at your words below and realize a large portion of this board is probably confused and hurt by what you wrote. Your words seem not in keeping with the positive spirit of this community. These are good people and just like you, they are grieving.

On 3/11/2016 at 3:36 PM, Janka said:

I don´t think that everyone here in the forum understands.

I had to endure enough here,not only me,including attacks on the faith.That´s true.

On 3/11/2016 at 5:44 PM, Janka said:

I don´t agree and please,don´t reply to my post,because I have enough hurting.

On 3/11/2016 at 6:26 PM, Janka said:

Some of you who hurt me I´ll ignore.

My apologies to Marty if this was overstepping my bounds. Janka, I wish you much happiness and I hope you take what I wrote constructively. I certainly enjoy much of what you post. Wolfskat... welcome back and sorry to take your topic a little off course.

Now back to regular programming...

Mitch

 

[kayc]

This is indeed a very special place and it's always been a place of support and respect, I hope that continues.

[kevin]

Let's play nice...we all hurt differently..........Little extra Solar Activity