If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

And as far as crying, I think we need a little tiny stick-it note, like we put on our envelopes for our address in the left corner and where it says marital status we should be able to stick this note: (Please don't ask my marital status unless you want me to start crying.)  And stick it where they ask the question.

I don't know why, but when I am around a policeman I might cry just from the fact that he is a policeman.  Mama must have scared me of them when I was a kid.  Only explanation I can come up with.

The coyote calling CD's and all the tapes and books, the "animal man" of the sheriff's department was so happy to get them.  Now, I do not know what an animal man looks like but I picture coonskin cap, vest of animal skin and various animal garments for various weather.  Like right now might be one of those animal skins that hangs in front and back.  Maybe I need to introduce myself to him.

[kayc]

Sounds like anyone here in Oakridge, Marg!   Once my kids' dad found a raccoon tail (road kill) on the road (he worked for the Hwy. Dept. so we got all kinds of treasures) and he put it in the freezer so he could "make the boy (my son) a cap".  He never got around to it.  Years after we divorced, I went out to the freezer one day and that coon tail came flying down on me when I opened the freezer!  I screamed and hollered and danced a jig and my son came running to see what had gotten me...when he saw what it was he practically rolled on the floor laughing!  He wanted to know why I thought that something that was frozen would "get me".  I don't know, you don't think these things through at the moment, it just looked like an animal on the attack!  I finally threw it away when I downsized to a small chest freezer from the huge upright.

[Margm]

No doubt I would have danced a jig myself.  Boys  like that kind of "fun" on ole Mom.

[KarenK]

Blast it, Marg!  "The hits just keep on comin'", don't they? I hope Kelli is doing alright and not too sick from the radiation. I sometimes think there is some malevolent being sitting in the corner saying "Oh, goody. Let me inflict some more suffering and stress on this person".

Don't worry about the house. It will be there when you get back. Love the waitress picture.

[Margm]

Karen, I will take Billy and his brother with me.  I don't want them to burn up if something untoward happens.  Now, how can I say that, they are already cremated.  I like their urns though.  

Your right, this house will still be here.  Won't it be terrible if I have to plant fall flowers.  My red petunias, purple angel???, and white ???? are so pretty  Hettie, my neighbor will keep them watered.  When I come back I won't linger over things so much I will just get rid of things.  If the things don't shrink she will have to have surgery but they do not think they are malignant.  Now this is radiology, neurologist and neurosurgeon.  Too many cooks spoil the broth.  

[Margm]

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded.
It’s a relationship between equals.
Only when we know our own darkness well
can we be present with the darkness of others.
Compassion becomes real
when we recognize our shared humanity.”
~ Pema Chödrön

I woke up this morning to my 16-year-old granddaughter crying.  The little contestant from "The Voice" Christina Grimmie had died from her ambush gunshot wound. She was signing autographs. Who knows how far she would have gone?  Now no one will know.  A useless piece of trash took her out of this world.  I don't like to see my granddaughter hurt.  I cannot answer all the questions of "why?"  Someone said that if someone had had another gun they could have taken this person out before he killed Christina.  I do not want guns taken away from people.  But useless killing is just that.  I suppose we had it when I was young.  I think Huey P. Long was killed on the steps of the capital in Baton Rouge, maybe before I was born.  Abraham Lincoln sitting in the theater.  And my granddaughter asks "why?"  I don't know why.  I am old, but I don't know much.  

Kelli is hurting from the radiation.  Will know more when I get there.  

[kayc]

I don't understand all this useless killing, kids taking guns to schools, people bullying and threatening, what's the matter with people?  I believe in the right to bear arms so we can protect ourselves or people can hunt, but it's been too easy for kids to get into guns.  If you have kids, your guns belong in a safe.  I'm all for the background checks.  But how many times has law enforcement looked the other way at felon in possession?  I've seen it happen!  They need to start enforcing the laws we have!

[scba]

I'm sorry that your grand daughter is in pain, Marg. 

[Margm]

I did.  come close to possibly losing "it"  today, enough so that I will see about seeing a profesional..  I had moments of real fear.  I.really have more responsibiities right now than my brain can handle and I was truly scared.  I will let you know.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

I'm so sorry to read your post, Marg.  Do let us know how you are doing.

 

[MartyT]

Oh Marg. I so wish you didn't have so much on your plate. You take on so much responsibility for everyone else's problems in your family. I worry that you will buckle under the weight of it all. Please remember, first and foremost, to take good care of YOU. You cannot take care of all these other family members unless and until you keep yourself physically and emotionally healthy. The only person who can put you first right now is YOU. Your Billy is not here physically to remind you of that ~ so we will do it on his behalf. Take care of you first, okay?!   ♥  

[TerriL]

I've had my own issues lately (my brother in law is trying to "help" me again---let's just leave it at that) and that's why I took a sabbatical of a few days to get calmed down. I was going to get on here and vent, but then I see what's going on wth Marg and her daughter and the comments about the senseless, horrific terror attack in that club in Orlando that killed at least 20 people and injured around 42 and my "problems" seem pretty lame in comparison. So, I will just say that everyone is in my thoughts and prayers. My heart goes out to all of us. 

[kayc]

No one's problems are lame.  I'm sorry you're all going through so much.

[scba]

Dear Marg, I'm sorry that you are struggling with a lot, on top of your grief. Please try to also take care of you and be kind with yourself. If you need help from a professional, look for it. We are here to listen and support you.

Terri, I too woke up with the news from Orlando. Cannot understand what is wrong with the world. 

What is going on in your life is important too. 

Ana.

[TerriL]

I just received an email update and now, they're tallying the Orlando attack as 50 dead and over 50 wounded. It's about a four hour drive from where I live and I have younger acquaintances there. (My goddaughter attended and graduated from UCF in Orlando. Some of her friends still live and work there.) So, I just hope and pray that those people are okay and I pray for the victims and their friends and families. 

My issues with my brother in law can probably best be summed up as having personalities like "oil and water". He apologized for how he behaved the first time he offered his "help" and after what appeared to be a promising start, all of a sudden he's back trying to "take over" again, telling me how I should organize my home or how this is going to be done or that. All I did was ask for his advice on what sort of account or investment would be a safe place for me to roll over the money the pension people are illegally attempting to force the retirees and their surviving spouses---haha, see what I did there?---to remove from the accounts they have now. During a conversation, he asked if there were any other matters I needed taken care of around the house and reluctantly, I mentioned the pool that needs draining and an old sewing desk I needed to get rid of. That's all it took! Then, he looks around and decides he doesn't like my books and magazines and he's telling me I need to do something about that, too. He sits on my couch and looks at me and says, "I'm proud of you. You've been paying your bills and not going crazy with your money." WHAT? So, you're proud that I'm not the idiot you thought I was? First of all, I'm 57 years old, I'm not 10. Secondly, I'm pretty smart and I don't want to end up in financial trouble, if I can help it. I'm really tired of the condescending attitude and what appears to have been a very insincere apology, since he's back using the same passive-aggressive tactics with me. He asked me who ended up doing my taxes (he had recommended his CPA) and I just told him I went to someone my friends recommended. He began telling me how he had given me the name of a highly-respected and competent CPA but if I wanted to go with who my friends told me about, it was my money, my life and I have to be comfortable with my choices. With the tone of voice he was using, it sounded like he needed to be convinced of that fact more than I do. I already know that whatever it is I'm dealing with, it ultimately comes down to me. I don't need his approval or for him to be proud of me. I don't need to make him happy. I need to make ME happy. I'm thinking of telling him the next time we speak, that I'd like to just concentrate for now on the original issue I had asked him about, which was a place to roll over my money. One thing at a time. I do know that I can't control his behavior, so I'm trying to control my reaction to it. I've been allowing him to push my buttons and I need to find a way to stop that in myself. He had me in a very vulnerable state when Paul first passed, but I'm not quite as helpless as he'd like to think. So, that's my tale of woe, but as I said, compared to what others are going through right now, it's more of an aggravation than a true crisis. 

[MartyT]

Spoken like a smart and sensible surviving spouse, Terri 

[brat#2]

Marg, just wanted to touch base and let you know that I'm thinking of you and sending you strength to get through all you are having to go through and I'm sorry that you having to deal with everything at the same time.  Sending you BIG HUGS

 

Terri - I live about 1 1/2 hours away from Orlando and I woke up to that horrific news too.  But like Kay said, even though you don't think you problems are as big as what those people are going through, your problems are important and big to you.  I'm sorry that family members think they have to "take over" with us, I've gotten some of the same from some of my family, I guess they think they are helping when all they are doing is making us more agitated and feeling like maybe we can't handle things.  Just keep proving him wrong, that you are capable on your own, not that you want to be, none of us do, but just because we have suffered doesn't mean we can't do it.  Sending you HUGS too

Joyce

 

 

[Margm]

Marty, if I go to a psychiatrist, he is going to refer me to a grief counselor.  I know you won't accept the honor/weight of my decision, but I have my grief counselor.  I do know if I go to a psychiatrist/grief counselor, I can only trust one that has been through the flame himself.  Do not think I am a novice.  I know counselors, I know psychiatrists, I know pastors.  I also know when I have to gut up.  I have too much to contend with right now.  Yesterday I was expected to make sure everyone had food, including my mom and sister.  And my weakness told me to run.  If I run my mom will be taken care of, my daughter will be taken care of by a very caring partner.  My son has to learn to take care of himself and his "family."  He does not want to leave me thinking he owes it to his father.  I have had to assure him I will be fine.  I hope he will be.  My granddaughter is the one who needs me.  For that reason I cannot give in to my weaknesses.  I have to gut up, find my inner strength.  This Superwoman does not wear Depends yet.  I can do it.  I can do my "talking therapy" to likeminded people on this forum.  I am human and get tired..  I did get scared yesterday.  If not for my granddaughter, I was ready to run. I made plans.  She is one responsibility I cannot run from.  Billy and raised her and I won't let her down.  Her mom cannot do things for her and because of mental problems, my daughter realizes this.  My granddaughter wants to be with me and it caused hard feelings, anxiety for my granddaughter and myself.  With my daughter's real illness, I think my granddaughter being with me is a relief for everyone.  She will be 18 in two weeks over a year.  I think I can get her prepared.  I just have to live.

[TerriL]

That's the hardest thing of all, too, isn't it? Having to live when the ones we loved more than anything aren't alive with us. I'll have moments where I panic. I think I'm doing better or going along just fine and then, I'll wake up in the middle of the night panicking. Or, the finality of it all hits me during the day and I'll freak out. I don't have a whole group of other people relying on me either, the way you do Marg, and it still happens to me. So, it seems that it would be normal for you to have the occasional meltdown and maybe not so normal if you DIDN'T. Forgive me for this analogy, but I'm reminded of the safety valve on a propane gas tank (my dad once owned a propane company and I worked in the office, so I think of things like that---haha!).  Liquid propane gas expands and contracts, depending on the outside temperature, so tanks are never filled all the way up to the top. It leaves room for the expansion. However, should a tank be accidentally overfilled on a hot day and the gas expands, to avoid the tank rupturing, there is a release on the valve that will "blow" the excess gas off. It scares the bejeebies out of most people, because it makes this loud WHOOSH noise when the safety blows and gas spews into the air. I think when we have our little meltdowns, it's our bodies' safety valves blowing. We've filled ourselves up a little too much and something has to give or risk a total explosion. It's in these moments that I have to resist, with all my might, reverting to the lost little girl side of me. She's still there, but she's learning for the first time to stand up on her own two feet and no longer allow others to tell her she can't take care of herself, as I had done to me in the past. The funniest thing is, in the back of my head, I still have to fight off that fear: "What if they're right and YOU'RE the one that's wrong?". Shoo, noisy little devil on my shoulder! Get outta here! Paul is telling me that I can do this and I believe HIM. Always.  

 

Thank you so much Marty, for the vote of confidence! I'm a work in progress. 

[MartyT]

Well said, Terri ~ thank you!

I agree with Terri, Marg. You are entitled to blow your stack once in a while, and while that may upset some of your family members, it certainly does not mean that you are crazy or "certified" as you so often imply. You are a human being dealing with a ton of demands being placed upon you ~ all at a time when you're preparing to make a major move from one state to another, emptying an entire house so you can downsize into an apartment, while you're still in the midst of mourning the death of your Billy. 

I understand that you are one tough lady, and I don't doubt for a minute that you can take care of yourself as well as your granddaughter. I just want to remind you now and then that you cannot be taking good care of everyone else in your family unless and until you take good care of yourself first.

[TerriL]

Joyce, thank you so much for the encouragement! You're right. Instead of telling them I can do it, I need to just SHOW them I can do it. I've had trouble making decisions all my life because I was never allowed to really do that. My parents would tell me that something was my choice or my decision to make, but if it didn't align with their choice or agenda, they'd quickly tell me, "No, that isn't what you want. You're wrong. You can't do this without our help." Add to that, some major trust issues, which have only been exacerbated by what's going on with the city pension board (some of these people who are screwing us over worked side by side with my husband when he was still on active duty---he considered them "good friends"). I already experienced the worst possible situation in my life where I had no control whatsoever---the passing of my husband. Maybe that's why I feel the need to be able to control whatever it is I CAN, just to retain my own sanity. 

It gets sadder and sadder the more I'm hearing on TV about that mass shooting. One, insane person. That's all it takes. And it's so difficult to make sense of it, probably because none exists. I love people and I can't imagine hurting anyone, other than in self-defense. 

[Gwenivere]

I woke up, too, to the news of the shooting.  It's such a tragedy.  I read as far as I could and stopped.  I get it, guns, violence, death.

Since Steve died,something has changed in me (obviously), and it is the inability to connect as empathetically to the violence and senselessness of stories like this.  It's not that I don't care, but that I can't 'feel' the outrage or whatever that I normally would.  I think it is because I carry death with me every single day that seeing an account of it hits a spot that is almost accustomed to it.  I can't really find the right words.  I know when Stevecwas here we would be talking about it because it would be such a shock.  It still is, but I'm numbed out and that makes me feel even more distanced from life.  I stated noticing thi when I put the news on when I get home.  All I care about is the weather forecast now.  

I was worried I was becoming a non caring person til I talked with my counselor.  Again, told this was not abnormal.  Hard to take on more feelings of grief about strangers when you are living with it daily.  I do think about these peoples family and friends and how they just joined this club involuntarily as we did.  In that sense, I feel so bad for them.  Know what they will be facing for a very very long time.  It's not the act, it's what I know is experienced after the fact now.

[Gin]

Marge,  hope your granddaughter feels better.  Wishing you well with all the complications!  As if the grief is not enough.

Gin

[brat#2]

Gwen, I agree, I don't think that we don't care about what happened, it's just that we live every day with grief and the outcome of death, that it is difficult to take on more in our grief stricken brains.  Like you said, what I feel sorry for is that these people are going to know what we live through every day and don't wish that on anyone.

Joyce

 

[iPraiseHim]

TerriL & Marg,

A great book to read is "Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward" .  KayC recommended it earlier and it does help.  My Father, Uncle, and Aunt all have these attributes.  My personality is laid back and roll with the punches.

For wise investment counsel, I would check into Dave Ramsey endorsed local providers.  They have a heart of a teacher and want you to understand what is best for you rather than just selling you a product.

https://www.daveramsey.com/elp/investing?ictid=ba24  .  He has other advisors , too!

I have been following Dave Ramsey's "Baby Steps" to get out of debt and in 45 days I will have all debts paid off except for my home mortgage. I have been following his plan for almost three years and I truly have "Financial Peace". That I never had.  The information is up on the website and free podcasts, iheart radio, google, etc.. Every Dollar APP for iPhone and desktops, etc.. all free. The plan works.   Shalom - George