If You're Going Through Hell

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, brat#2 said:

I've been having a weird feeling today and I don't know why.  We all talk about the nightmare it has been since we lost our love ones, but today for some reason I feel like the 34 years I had with Dale was all a dream. Has anyone else felt this?  Even though I see his picture and can see and touch his things, it just doesn't feel real to me.  

Joyce, the same thing has been happening to me.   I just talked to my counselor about it yesterday.  I don't know what is causing it beyond I feel him slipping away from as time passes.  Lots of pictures, much of hi stuff around, but it feels unreal he was here.  My counselor said this was a sign of moving forward into the true reality they are gone and never coming back.  We'll never lose them in our hearts and minds, but our lives are changing.  I don't like this phase.  I'm not ready to not feel him.  Seems I don't get say in that tho.  I don't hear his voice in my head as often.  I talk to him less because there is no answer.  All I feel is the tremendous emptiness.  As much pain as it caused, I preferred feeling the pain of his absence to this weird wondering if what we had even happened at all.  It's like the loneliness is harder to make sense of.  

I don't want any of this grief at all, but I had no idea if could become even more surreal.  I feel more alone and questioning why I even bother going on.  I used to wake up sometimes and cry missing him.  Now I don't because I know this is reality that has been replayed over and over again.  So if this is accepting it, it hurts worse than I imagined.  And further....what comes next?  I have yet to feel anything that hasn't caused more pain.  

Now I am back to crying myself to sleep every night knowing I will awake to this awareness and feeling so disconnected to him.  I hate it.

[KarenK]

Every Thursday night, Scottsdale hosts it's Artwalk" on Main St. Sadly, there are very few Western galleries now. They have been replaced with Russian, French, Contemporary, etc. All of the galleries exhibit paintings that run in the thousands. I went to see if one Native American gallery might be interested in purchasing some of my more expensive items, the kinds of things you don't want to put on on Craigslist or are too fragile to ship on EBay. I would hope to get at least half of what I paid for them, but probably won't. The shop was closed, so I decided to walk past the shops. I did it out of boredom more than anything else. Just another sad reminder that I am alone. There were only couples strolling hand in hand or eating at the sidewalk cafes enjoying conversation. Ron and I used to do that and spent a lot of time laughing at what others consider "art". Another place to stay away from.

[Gwenivere]

Karen, there are so many places I cannot or want to go to anymore.  It's sad to see ones world shrink because of memories and being alone.  Can't ever escape the couples still 'living the dream'.  Never really noticed them before because I was part of one and in that little world too.  It's hard to be home away from them too.  Everything is off.  I'm so tired of living this day after day.

[KATPILOT]

Karen I deal with mostly galleries on Main Street and have since I opened in 1972. Back then it was almost all western so I know what you mean about change. There is a galley devoted to the resale of artwork but they are off the beaten path. If you want, I can give you their name. As we move into summer, Scottsdale quiets down a lot. 

Kathy and I would go to openings once in a while and then off to dinner. I so enjoyed that and I think I liked showing her off. She was so pretty and she dressed me nice.  Now I only go when it is commanded that I be there as the guy who framed the work. It has lost all meaning.

[Margm]

They have put my mama in what they call a Geri-chair, or Jerry-chair, not even sure of that.  Mama will be 95 Thursday.  I have a hard time just plain moving around, but Mama is still a contortionist.  You cannot put soft restraints on her, but she needs a room sized playpen.  Her mind has not told her body she cannot do things, like mine has.  Yesterday she told Kelli (my daughter) that she was talking to Billy.  Kelli asked her where Billy was.  Mama said that he was standing right beside her (Kelli) which freaked Kelli out.  Mama continues to talk to him.  Kelli took a series of pictures, I will put the final picture on here.  Mama was determined she was going to at least get one leg free from that damnable chair.  I cannot wrestle with Mama and unless you can contain her, you have to wrestle with her.  The smile she gave was one of freedom.  The other pictures showed mean determination. She had managed to get one leg free.  But, her skin is so thin, any machinations she makes will tear it.  What makes a mind like hers not just give up?  I don't understand Alzheimer's at all.  I once typed a man who had gone to sleep on the RR track and both his legs were cut off.  The next morning they found him laying on the floor, alive, but he was trying to walk to his cigarettes.  I cannot call Mama my hero.  I have known her a long time and we did not know when the Alzheimer's began.  Actually, I am not sure it is Alzheimer's.  She remembers too much.  We used to call it senile dementia.  I think I, myself, am familiar with that.  I panicked yesterday, I had put my keys down to get the groceries out, I always try to remember to put them in my pocket.  And, I did really get in a panic.    

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so; for those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow  (John Donne 15??-1632)

[brat#2]

Gwen, it's nice to hear that I'm not the only feeling this and yes, I don't like it either.  I wish neither one of us was having to feel this.  Thank you for letting me know what your counselor said about this feeling, but I don't like the answer.  I don't like this phase either, it's as heartbreaking as it was when I saw him die.  I feel like I'm the only person in this world who knew he existed and now that's slipping away too??  It's not fair and I'm not ready for that.  He will always be in my heart and soul, but my mind is playing games with me right now and I hate it.   Hoping for both of us, that our minds will stop these games soon.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, brat#2 said:

today for some reason I feel like the 34 years I had with Dale was all a dream.

I have felt that way a LOT. I have literally gone and looked at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate, viewed his pictures and handwriting to reassure myself he really did exist.  I have all these memories but they don't seem real, they seem like a dream, so far away...

[kayc]

Marg,

What you are going through with your mom is really hard.  Dementia patients' memories are often years back when they were young, although they can't remember five minutes ago.  Your mom looks like one determined lady!  My mom also did not realize her limitations and no matter how many times you told her she isn't supposed to walk (she kept falling), she wouldn't remember.  And she did NOT like being told what to do/not to do!  George and my mom were really close and it broke my heart that she didn't remember him when she had dementia, but he was in her life in more recent years not way back so it makes sense, it's not because he wasn't important to her, it's because that's how dementia works in the brain.

(It's Geri Chair, short for geriatrics)

[Margm]

Well possibly that is what I am going through myself.  I can remember the past, but five minutes ago, if it involves something important, I cannot remember.

[Froggie4635]

Marg,

That is widow brain.  I have a HUGE case of it.  At least I no longer lock myself out of my house (because I have spare keys in three different locations).  It has nothing to do with age, because I am 54 and have always had the GREATEST memory.  But not any more.  

[brat#2]

Kay, thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one that is feeling this way.  It does feel so far away, that's a good way to put it.  Can't stop crying today, haven't done this much crying in a long time (maybe that's good).

Joyce

 

[Margm]

Maryann, I remember when I was 17 and had a face cloth washing my face.  I had taken peach slices out of the deep freeze (Mama always put them up with sugar and they were so good half frozen).  Well, I became distracted (at 17, it was probably the telephone), and lost the peaches entirely..  Later on I found the peaches on the bathroom lavatory and the face cloth in the deep freeze.  So, my memory has never been that great.  But, I have noticed that my memory now, if I forget something significant, I will get in a panic and I will actually cry when I forget.  I am so glad you said that about the grieving brain.  

[Froggie4635]

Marg,

There are MANY articles about Grief Fog...and the affects on the brain.  Megan Devine had a great article about it.  I collected quite a few so I could "show" myself that I wasn't making all this up.  Losing Mark has had a PROFOUND affect on my brain and how I function.  I find myself in a very frustrated state when I am bombarded with multiple requests/tasks and cannot juggle them like I used to.  I have about a three week limit.  My mind knows when I am approaching that limit, and begins to shut down and not want to think about anything but getting away.  It takes a toll on my physically, and I find my exhaustion level rises the closer I get to three weeks.  I am concerned that it might get worse now that I am halfway through my second year.  The protective fog is gone, and now on top of all the widow brain stuff, memories are popping up more often, leading me to miss Mark so much I can't breathe.  I haven't really allowed myself to deal with the anger of never seeing him again...about having to do it against my will.  Most of my life, if I wanted something, I worked at getting it.  But I have never had to deal with not being able to have something; something that there is no substitute for.  We are all in that boat...having to find a way to deal with a lie without the one person who filled our lives with love.

Edited May 27, 2016 by MartyT
Link inserted

[Margm]

Maryann, I miss Billy so much and I had 54 years.  The number did not matter to me except if I could, I would have liked 54 more.  That brain fog is why I need the Xanax.  When something goes wrong, and it always will, I really get in a panic and because of the congenital shaking that gets worse with anxiety, I will shake all over, and it gets worse with age.  My family dynamics are such that there is something going on all the time, someone needing help, family fussing (and that is something I cannot handle at all)  I know a lot of this is grief, but when I can get settled down, I will go back to a psychiatrist.  I have some new anxiety meditation things that I listen to before going to sleep, but either they are so boring or I am so exhausted, I cannot remember them.  I hope maybe some scientific miracle happens and my brain hears them, my sleeping brain, because my awake brain is gone after about three minutes of putting the ear buds in my ears.  

[Margm]

Marty, thank you for editing this and I am going to copy it down.  I have a whole lot copied and hope one day to absorb them.

And thank you again Maryann, if I didn't already say this.  I am open to anything that might help, anything I identify with, because like I said, I am going back to a psychiatrist.  I know I cannot change some people in my family, but I have got to learn how to handle them by myself.  Up until now I had Billy to hide behind.  I cannot do that anymore.  

[Froggie4635]

Marg,

I have a big folder full of articles I have printed out...I want to go through them all and highlight the thoughts and phrases that I need to absorb to teach me to not be so hard on myself.  I have this gift for research; it gives me something to focus on.  I would love some day to collect all my thoughts and put them on a blog, or write a book.  I think part of this grief education could be of help to others someday.  I remember how lost I was at first, overwhelmed by so much information.  Perhaps it is something I am being called to do.

[TerriL]

I've always had a near photographic memory, but since losing Paul, there are times when something I was thinking about minutes before disappears right out of my head. I forget what I was going to do, say, the word I was going to use, etc. Marg, for goodness' sake, you are not only going through the enormous stress of losing your love of 54 years, you are also dealing with your mom's dementia, fixing your longtime home up to sell, moving----wow, all of those things in and of themselves are unbelievably stressful. But together? All at once? If you didn't have any lapses in your memory, THAT would be unusual! 

It seems that every time I come on here, I see another post that sounds like something I have experienced and was worried about. I'm constantly being reminded that these are situations we are all experiencing together. I also began having a strange feeling that maybe I was losing my mind and Paul was still really here, but I was having some sort of delusion that he had suddenly passed away. It didn't feel real. I couldn't believe that he was really gone and that I'd never see or hear him again. Sometimes, when I'm really in a mood, I'll replay, over and over, a little snippet from our voice mail. It was Paul's message he left once when he was on the road to New Jersey. He had called to talk to me and I was outside and hadn't picked up. All he says is "Just me. Talk to you later." Just him. As if it wasn't really important. But, he was the MOST important part of my life. I was so frightened of losing that message if something happened to our power or the voice mail, so I recorded it onto my iPad and iPhone, just to be able to hear his voice when I need to. 

I also related to the story of seeing "couples still living the dream" and feeling even more alone and displaced in the world. It takes me back to when Paul and I did everything together and would be holding hands or hugging. We never gave it a second thought. Then I think to myself that sure, I'd love to be able to do the things we always did. I miss going tot hose places. But, what am I going to do? Drive down to the beach and stare at the ocean myself? Drive to other places by myself, when I used to have Paul to talk to and be with, and just look around and then come home? Yeah, I totally get that feeling of not knowing what the future is going to hold. I was speaking to a friend on the phone the other day and we were talking about my being somewhat uncomfortable at my niece's baby shower, watching the couples that were there and missing Paul. I said that it hurts knowing that those days are over for me and that the thought of even having to make small talk with another man disgusts me. She suddenly interjected, "For NOW!!! For NOW it disgusts you!" I had to politely inform her that I've never cared for dating, even when I was a young woman, so the thought of having to do it as an older woman, especially one who has now had 34 happy years with the love of her life, is three times as revolting to me. My friend has been married and divorced three times and had a string of boyfriends in between to take her to fancy restaurants, on expensive cruises and such. I've never been that type. I'm more a "cowboy songs around the campfire" kinda gal! Haha! Cheap date!  Paul loved me for who I was and I don't think I could ever find that again. So, instead, I'm trying to figure out who I am now and who I can move forward with that. 

 

I'm sorry, I guess I'm rambling on again! 

[TerriL]

Yep, I was rambling. "How" I can move forward with that. Oh, man. 

[Margm]

Terri, I love people with "run-on" fingers.  The sun is not out here, lots of stuff I need to do.  I'm not wanting to do anything.  I have to though.

I have got to say this.  I am sad seeing older men and women holding hands.  I used to think it was cute but now I think "Oh, I am so sorry, one of you is in for such a big hurt," and I feel so sorry for them.

[kayc]

I feel that way too.  It just seems so unfair!  I spent the day doing yardwork.  Nothing fancy, I don't have beautiful gardens like Harry, just raking up millions of cones and needles and bramble from the winter storms.  I'd gotten the large branches picked up and burned a couple of weeks ago but there've been more since. I'm not done by any means, but I've made a good dent.  I was soaked in sweat, came in the house and realized it was time to walk the dog, so did that, came home and realized I forgot to make him a batch of food today (I have to make Arlie's dogfood, he can't eat storebought).  So I did that, and then had to do dishes and make hummingbird nectar, they're out again.  Now it's time for ME to eat and I'm way too tired to cook any more so I heated leftover french toast.  I already had a Kale Smoothie and will have fruit salad later and I had protein at lunch so I've covered all the food groups.

it's hard working out in the yard without George.  It would have been fun to be doing things like that with him instead of always just me, myself.   Another Friday night where everyone is with their loved ones and I'm alone...

[TerriL]

Well, Kay, you could always ask Arlie to move over and join him for dinner! ? I have also been trying to do some of the yard work. I think being outside in the fresh air is probably better for us. I love that you make your dog food and hummingbird nectar! I wish we had hummingbirds down here but I have never seen any. Just one of those moths that look like a hummingbird----honestly, it had me fooled! Haha! 

I just think you all are such great people and I wish it wasn't the worst thing in our lives bringing us together like this. 

[kayc]

Hummingbirds are so pretty, they make a whirring sound when they fly in, even when they're staying in place.  Their movements are so incredibly fast!

Here's a picture George took on one on our deck...it must be a female because the males are more colorful.

[DawnMarie]

Hi.  I'm new here and don't know what I'm doing. I'm computer illiterate and I only have my stupid smartphone.  But regardless, I know I need help.  Am I the right place?

[kayc]

Hi, welcome!  Have you lost a spouse?  You're fine, I hope you will post your story.

[Gwenivere]

Terri, ramble anytime.  You save me a lot of typing.