If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

DawnMarie, you operate a smartphone?  I still use a flip phone. You are a lot smarter than I am.  I could not operate a smartphone so I gave it to my husband and every time I would answer it for him I would cut off the caller.  I never caught on.  I rely on my 16-year-old granddaughter to keep me up to date.  

Anyhow, if you need help, I think you have come to the right place.  We have experienced people (unfortunately) in this grieving process and there is someone that can give you advice.  

I came here after Billy had been gone three days.  I have no idea how I knew to look for this place.  Maybe Billy might have had a hand in it.  I kept telling him I could not live without him and he would say "I know."  So, I will say they saved my life, and a whole lot of family interference saved it too. Please feel free to share your feelings.  I promise you, there is nothing that I have not said yet and they help me.  If you do not feel easy yet about talking, just read and jump in whenever you want to.  

There are a lot of good people here that hurt.  That is what we all share, pain.  Sometimes we share other things too, but that is just whatever you want to say.  I guarantee there is not a single person who wants to be here, but again, that is what we all share.  

[DawnMarie]

Hi,.

Yes, unfortunately, I have recently lost my spouse.  March 23, 2016. His name is/was James.  He was only 41.   Sharing my story is very difficult right now.  It's like reliving the nightmare all over again.    I watched the whole thing while trusting his care givers were doing their job.  It's a very very deep opened wound still.  I don't have the strength right now.   And I'm still very confused by it all. Everytime I do, my anxiety, stress, and blood pressure suffer greatly. 

God lead me here, because I don't have the support needed to go through this.  I'm lost emotionally. I'm turmoiled., exhausted mentally and physically,  leaving me to feel broken and vulnerable.  I struggle with depression already, but this is the worst thing I've had to go through in my life.. It is in addition to other issues, not directly related to his death, that is making it even more difficult.  

I'm a mess.  At times I sleep for days, others I'm up all day and night, or (like today) I sleep for a couple hours at a time then wake up for a short time just to sleep again for a short time.  

I have no idea what the next day has in store and I have a difficult time wanting to handle any task at all.  I'm all ALONE, even in a room full of people.

I live in California and I just want to run away, but I know running from my problems won't change anything.  Because I have no clue what to do, it's making me feel I'm making every decision wrong.

The county is absolutely NO help here.  I don't trust them part for this reason as I feel they're abandoning me when I'm needing help the most.

We hadn't found a Church since our Pastor's retirement, and our Pastor's from out of town, although very supportive,  are too far away. 

So, I'm here in hopes of some sort of peace. Some sort of understanding so I can cope with the reality as it still seems so surreal.

 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Dawn,

I am so sorry for your loss, and sad you have to be here with us...but this is a good place to be, for there are many here who will walk along with you.  I lost my husband, Mark, in December 2014.  It is not the life I ever pictured for myself, but I am in it.  I found this site the February after he died, and I am so thankful I did.  This is a place you can share WHATEVER it is you are experiencing, and everyone here will help you through it.  Your life is going to seem unreal for quite a while; it is the shock of having everything you knew completely obliterated.  But know that you ARE standing.  There will be lots of learned experience offered to you.  Number one is to TAKE CARE OF YOU.  And also that whatever you are going through, is NORMAL.  Read as much as you can about grief and loss of spouse.  You will see in those books and articles just how normal what you experience truly is.  Rest as much as you can, and eat and nourish yourself.  Those are really BIG steps in the beginning.  There are NO rules in grief.  There are many archived posts here to read over and see yourself in.  I know I found so much comfort coming here.  We all wish your pain didn't exist, but we know the reality of it.  Come often, even if it is just to read along.  There is love and understanding here...but no judgment. Sending you BIG HUGS.

Maryann

[mittam99]

Dawn Marie, welcome to the community that nobody really wanted to join. My heart goes out to you. I lost my darling wife Tammy unexpectedly back in March 2015. She was only 45 years old.

Nothing prepares you for grieving the loss of a soul mate. It's an anguish-filled, one day at a time, painful learning experience. You need to live in the moment (don't try to think too far ahead) and just do what you can. At first you probably won't feel like doing much of anything and that's ok. Then it's just baby steps. Don't ever feel pressured by what others think you should or shouldn't do. It's your grief journey. A journey I know you never wanted to take.

Maryann (Froggie) has given you excellent advice. The only thing I would add is to consider one on one grief counseling or if you're unable, maybe try to find a free grief support group.

I'm so sorry for your loss of your husband James. And thank you for your post, I know that wasn't easy.

((((((Hugs))))))

[BillT]

DawnMarie,

My sweet MK died just four months ago.  There is not much of anything that makes a difference in the pain and loss we are experiencing, but this place helps as much as anything I have found.  There are good people here that understand what you are going through because they have traveled the same path.  

Prayer for peace to you, DawnMarie.

Bill

 

[KATPILOT]

At least here you can find some peace DawnMarie.  This is life at it's worst but you will find compassion from those who find themselves on this same Grief's Journey.

[kayc]

Dawn,

My pastor went on vacation the morning after George died, telling me the next three weekends weren't a good time for a funeral, so I had to make arrangements and get a former pastor to do the funeral (he lived several hours away).  Sometimes those we'd count on just aren't there for whatever reasons and that makes it pretty tough.

You mention the county not coming through, do you work for the county or something?

Do you have children, if so, are they still at home?  Any extended family or friends nearby?  My friends all disappeared and my family is spread out but we did talk by phone.  

This is a safe place to share what you're going through, vent, and just know you are heard by people who get it.

We're here when you're ready to talk.

[TerriL]

Dawn Marie,

I was pretty much in the same boat as you (my husband Paul passed away suddenly last October) and can honestly say that finding this forum was a godsend for me. There are times on here where I have a lot to say and times where I'm not up to "talking" and just read the posts. No matter how I'm feeling, everything people write resonates with me. What you wrote, Dawn, resonated with me. I, too, have gone through the aftermath of Paul's passing ALONE, with very little help. I've had some help, but it's sporadic at best. I've had an anxiety disorder for most of my life and was diagnosed with Crohn's a few years ago, so that has complicated my situation. Grief isn't the only thing assaulting me physically and mentally---I have a three-in-one thing going on here. I also made many mistakes in the decisions I was making, especially early on, but I realized, thanks to the great people on this forum, that I was not alone in that either. This group HAS helped me! I don't quite remember now how I came upon it, other than I knew I needed REAL support, where I wouldn't be criticized, judged or flamed, and something about this group drew me to it. That was one of the GOOD decisions I made. I am so sorry for your loss and the trauma that you've had to endure. I'm sorry that you have to be a part of this group, the same way I'm sorry for ALL of us who are here. But, since you are here, allow it to help you in whatever way that may be for you. You couldn't be in a safer place with more wonderful people. I was embraced into the fold of the worst "club" imaginable, but I have found peace, understanding and even humor---believe it or not---here. 

You'll know when/if you're ready to finally open up. Only you can make that decision. No one else. But, we're always here to "listen" whenever you ARE ready. Listen to Maryann (Froggie) and take care of yourself. Make YOU the number one priority right now. That's a great place to start. 

[Margm]

That was beautiful and very well stated Terri.  I lost Billy October 17th, 2015.  I will no longer have October on my calendar.  I think I will just sleep through until Halloween night, which I have never avoided.  

[DawnMarie]

No I don't work for the county.  I live in a county that is the third in the country that's considered crooked and I believe is just as evil.  My extended 'family' and I don't exactly see things eye to eye and so therefore I'm the 'black sheep'.  

I have PTSD due to an incident of false (and proven so) alligations resulting in my children living with my ex  (a PC 290).  I've been in therapy, (through the county), over this until recently.  When they discovered that I had an attorney involved with my disability claim, they discovered they can't get control as my payee, they pretty much cut me off as no programs are available without guarantee of reimbursement.  

And I mean right after James died I got a new 'case manager'  and my therapist has denied to speak to me.  They are worthless in my eyes. 

I also have been in consultation with a wrongful death attorney and the county just FORCED the cremation because I couldn't come up with enough money for a funeral home service much less a second autopsy on my own.  So now, any question of what's in his medical file and the coroner reports discrepancys cannot be reevaluated.  And I've seen with my own eyes there were, as well as what I witnessed in the hospital, that's  why I contacted an attorney. I have done all I can about this and given the outcome to God. I want to assure that all children and their future families in this community are safe from malpractices and the gross negligence I witnessed with my husband.  Hind sight is 20/20 and I know how he died was being covered up.  

The officials here misuse their authority and power with major control issues that the general public 'don't know won't hurt them' attitude and anyone else becomes a huge target.  

There's a fine line between intelligence and insanity and a human being can only take so much.  

And this is only at a county level. I'm not only starting to question the integrities of the state, but that of the US as well.  

[brat#2]

DawnMarie, welcome to our forum, and so sorry for your loss and that you are in need of being here.  I lost my husband on July 10, 2015 and joined this forum in February, 2016.  They have saved me.  I did not and do not have much support, no support groups in my area that fit my needs, no insurance so couldn't afford a grief counselor, so started reading this forum in December of last year before I joined.  I'm so glad that I did, as was stated above, there any many caring, understanding people here in all stages of this grief journey and they recognize the pain we are going through and without judgment give frank and caring advise.  Please continue to post or just read, as I'm sure it will make you feel less alone through this journey.  Hugs to you.

Joyce

 

[Cookie]

Marg:  I'm glad I didn't sound angry with you.  I have a hard time these days with my perceptions of things and sometimes I can't tell how I'm coming off.  I can relate to family problems on top of grief.  My daughter has been staying with me since John died and was saying she wanted to support me, etc.  Well, she is having a terrible time herself and it's expressing itself in anger, and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with her all the time.  She is sweet in her way sometimes, but then she will become very depressed and angry.  This is hard, as I love her and don't really know what to do.  I try talking to her, but she gets really touchy if I do.  It's making the grief thing harder and I wonder if I'm going to survive this too.  Was wondering if anyone knew of one of the antidepressants that had the least side effects.  I'm actually thinking about it, where I was so resistant to it before.  My doctor had prescribed Paxil but I didn't take it because I have heard nothing but bad things about it except for the occasional person it works for.  Doctors don't like to give you the facts.  Anyway, I also would take what I want and come back later in regards to your move.  Wishing you luck with that and wishing you peace and love....Cookie

[Margm]

Cookie, my daughter is bipolar.  Her anger spells are often and that is why my granddaughter wants to stay with me.  It is hard trying to keep peace.  My daughter has been like this all her life and I love her very much but trying to keep things even is hard.  I always think "yep, head to that seedy motel in the middle of Texas and hide."  Truck behind motel.  I rely on that thought when all this S__t hits the fan.  I cannot handle fussing.  Cannot do it.  Cannot do it.  Crazy, insane, certifiable cannot do it.  But, that is just one of the highlights of my life and I can gripe when there are those who have lost all their family.  I feel so selfish, mean, and especially leaving everything to my sister for my mom.  That is another story entirely.  I wish I were Wonder Woman or Superwoman.  I would settle for a brainless robot right now.  

And anger, I have to protect myself from my own anger.  It usually is directed at me.

I think today is national Hamburger Day, or they are pulling my leg in this house to make me go get them.  I get meat and bread only for me, no seeds on bread, bitch, bitch, bitch.  I know how to do that.  

[TerriL]

I can only imagine how hard it is dealing with your grief when you are also dealing with another person's issues at the same time. This time should be about you and about your healing. Cookie, I do know a few people who were on Lexapro. You'd have to ask your doctor about it though because I have never taken it myself so I can't tell you how it affects your mind and body. Those things can affect everyone differently anyway.  

Marg, my Paul passed on October 15, two days before your Billy. My father passed on October 29, 2002, which also happens to be the day before my birthday. Halloween used to be my favorite holiday, but I'm with you now. Maybe we should tear that month out of all future calendars. Does that mean I'd stay the same age?  If you decide to head for that seedy Texas hotel, let me know. Maybe we can get a Thelma and Louise thing going on, minus the driving off the cliff part, of course! 

Dawn Marie, it sounds like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders right now. I have no expertise nor experience in any of the areas you mentioned, but finding a good, free grief support group, maybe through a funeral home, would help you. There are free legal services, too, who help those without money. By the way, you don't have to use the funeral homes' services in order to join the support groups. You could also see if the hospice services in your area offer grief support. I do wish you good luck in what you are going through. 

[Margm]

Girls/guys, I went to my senior center here in this small town (it is a retirement town and they are big on helping seniors) and the woman that had held the grief group had passed away but they have Bingo at 10:00 a.m. and I was tempted to go but this place only leaves me time to type on here and I spend way too much time on it.

[TerriL]

When you mentioned bingo, Marg, it made me think of something else a cousin of mine had suggested. She lost her sister (another of my cousins) in January of 2015. She and her husband belong to a church and the members there are very much like extended family. She attended a grief support group there at the church and she suggested that maybe I could find a group in a church around here. Unfortunately, I have not been able to locate anything of that sort in the churches near to me. One church mentioned a special counselor, but I believe she was for the members if the congregation only. I never did call, to be honest, I read it online, so maybe I'm wrong. I just got that impression. But, it's something else to consider if you don't have the financial resources to pay for help. With me, this group right here has helped. As I stated to everyone before---but Dawn wasn't here yet---I have a hard time making appointments to "talk", so therapy can be difficult for me. I can only talk freely when I'm in the right frame of mind and you can't pencil that into a schedule. 

 

Marg, if you change your mind and decide to try the bingo, I hope you win enough money to pay for all the paint you had to buy.  

[Margm]

I am not going to leave that entrance way into the house dirty green/brown/whatever.  I am going to get one more quart for no one but me of Santa Fe Red.  Cannot leave that doorway bare and I need to sand the entrance way inside off.  I have my purple wreath with the red hanging on it right now.  Purple sparkling cause I cannot have dull purple.  

As for my life.  This below is exactly how I feel right now, but I am purple and I am pulled at least this many ways.  You know what though.  I can gripe and gripe but at least as crazy as my family happens to be, I honestly believe insanity is hereditary, you do get it from your children. 

[KarenK]

Marg,

The picture is perfect! I think "SPLAT!" would be a good description of how we all feel most of the time.

Sending hugs.

[Margm]

Karen, you have been on my mind.  Did you get your tests taken care of?  I honestly think probably that whole first year (and I have no experience past seven months), I think we are all in an immunosuppressive state and we don't have the will to fight, so our immune systems give up too.  I cringe at the last note Billy wrote.  It was a grocery list of healthy foods.  He hated to give in and take blood pressure medicine, his perfect body was going to defeat the blood pressure so he was mowing the big yard at the lake and he came in with horrible headaches.  He never complained.  Our lake house was 35 miles from the nearest hospital but as soon as I got him there they put him in ICU on a niipride drip. We did not have computers then, he was in his early 40s and I hated the diagnosis of malignant hypertension which just meant it was going to get worse.  I haunted our library and I looked at his lab work.  His renin levels were high.  That meant his kidneys were not working right and his creatinine level was high.  I only typed symptoms but his internal medicine doctor with his wiseass attitude toward me as nothing but a transcriptionist made me run to the bathroom crying.  That internist doctor looked at his levels again and brought in a nephrologist.  He has been under a nephrologist's care since those 1980's.  He had three kidney arteries and one of  those arteries was doing the work for the others.  The stents were new back then and they had to tie him down to the table and go through his groin and insert stents.  (One, they had to go under his arm).  Luckily we were a research hospital and we had the research specialist to insert the stents.  It was horrible.  They had three cardiovascular surgeons sitting in the next room with me.  This was new.  Now they insert stents anywhere with no pain hardly at all.  So, I say we had two miracles with me, but we had a miracle with Billy then also.  I was not God, but dammit, I was not going to sit back and just accept something and they still do this.  I know this is terrible, but Billy's nephrologist (a family friend) drew blood levels on him twice a year.  He paid no attention  to his liver enzymes, just the things the nephrologist was interested in.  Dammit, a doctor is a doctor.  We had a little transcriptionist drop to the floor pregnant, hurting terribly and she had pre-eclampsia.  She was bleeding.  Two doctors were in the study and I frantically told them her symptoms.  The main doctor said, "what do you want me to do, I am a surgeon, and he laughed."  I told him to get off his ass, and I used those terms (they could have fired me a lot of times I guess) and get in there and take care of her, I was a simple transcriptionist and I knew something had to be done.  She delivered a tiny, tiny baby.  The doctor got off his ass and took her as fast as possible to delivery.  I had the benefit of being older, frantic, and angry too.  That tiny baby years later was a big strapping teenager.  

Mistakes are made.  A lot of us are on here because of those mistakes.  Maybe if they had looked at Billy's liver enzymes in one of his visits.  A lot of maybe's..  When it is all over, nothing can be done.  When they are gone, they are gone.  But doctors are definitely not infallible.  They save lives.  They saved mine.  It was a fluke, but it worked.  I have not been real happy about that for the past seven months.  Our friend, the nephrologist, we never received a bill from him.  

Sometimes when you are not satisfied with something request a second opinion.  My first doctor, a surgeon, looked at my MRI/CT scans and called my ruptured colon at the beginning a urachal cyst..  I don't know why I lived and Billy didn't.  I did everything I knew to do, but it was too little too late.  So, if you are going in for tests, if you are not satisfied with things, question them.  If they don't like it, tough.  Find another doctor.  I wish I had moved Billy out of the state hospital to the private Catholic Hospital.  It would have made no difference in the outcome, but he would not have been put through tests to "teach" young doctors.  I was wrong, but I did what I thought was right.  It was not for money, insurance, because the state hospitals make their money off those that can pay.  I have done what I said I wouldn't.  You cannot go back and change things.   

[Margm]

Will call my computer guys, probably in Antarctica and try to get this fixed.  I think I am the only one having this problem and twice it has done it.  Does not do it on the short ones.  Probably letting me know I take up too much room.

[KarenK]

Marg,

I always wonder just how long doctors have to "practice" before they get it right, and why must we be the guinea pigs? To be honest, I doubt that Ron had much of a chance after his cancer diagnosis, considering his diabetes and bad heart, but what little chance he had was removed when the ER nurse caused his bladder problem that inadvertently delayed the cancer treatments. At diagnosis the plan was lung radiation, chemo, H&N radiation and then surgery. After months of delays he completed the lung radiation. On the horrific day that they placed the feeding tube, chemo port, and pulled 16 teeth, I asked the doctor when the chemo would begin and the surgery scheduled. He looked at me and said "There will never be a surgery." I did not have to ask why because I knew it was too late. Ron had given up by then and threatened several times to drive out into the desert with his 44 Magnum, so as not cause a mess here. Fortunately, he was too weak to drive anywhere. I know he tried to stay positive for me and the kids, but being hospitalized 13 times in 6 months was just more than his tired, sick body could stand. As you say, there is nothing we can change.

I cannot reconcile with the thought that my precious daughter is gone. She suffered so horribly for 6 years, fighting through unimaginable things. My mind just can't go there.

As for me, my followup is June 9. I'm sure they have found nothing concrete or would have already called me. If they by chance found something, I'm not at all sure I want it fixed. Speaking of calling me, I had had a message from them a week ago stating that they had not seen me in over a year and I needed to call for an appointment.  DUH!! I was in just 2 weeks ago for all those damn tests. I hope the doctors reading the test results are a little more efficient that their staff.

Quit working so hard, girl! Slow down and smell the roses while we can still smell.  lol
 

[Margm]

Karen, I think about you.  I bear the burden of the death of a husband of many years, you have to bear the burden of a child and husband.  My heart is with you.

[Clematis]

Doctors make mistakes for sure. My own doctor just last week told me after I had been in a car accident that I was fine and should go home and stop worrying because I was an anxious person. This was after I had been seen at a reservation ER and only talked to my doctor on the phone. He was way overdue for his vacation. The NP covering for him ordered MRI's since I obviously had concussion syndrome. Good for her. Not good of my doctor to blow me off...

An ER doc saw my father on Christmas Eve and wanted to admit him because he had low blood pressure due to Parkinson's disease, which he had all the time. The real reason was that since he was in the ER for a fall, they could send him to the hospital for three days that would qualify him for rehab treatment that might make him stronger. They wouldn't tell me their true rationale and my dad didn't want to spend Christmas Eve in the hospital for no good reason. I didn't try to make him because no plausible rationale had been offered. They could have been honest with us, and it would actually have been the right thing to do. I got him back on track, but he lost a few days due to the ER Doc's evasiveness.

The doctor who saw my father in the hospital during the last few days of his life made several mistakes related to medication that resulted in his being in more pain and less able to do the therapies that were to make him stronger. Instead of getting stronger and out of pain, he was in pain, avoided the therapies he was there for, got weaker and died. Did this series of physician mistakes cause him an early death? Who knows. Maybe he would still be alive, but still declining from Parkinson's. Not much I could do after he was dead. I talked to the Dr at the rehab hospital a few hours after my dad died. He looked at me a little nervously, and I told him yeah, I think you made mistakes with his medications. But would it have made a difference? Who knows? It is what it is. He was 88 and had Parkinson's for a long time. I wish I had known that he was so close to the end...maybe I could have gotten some information from him that would have made it easier for me now. But I was totally focused on getting him better, keeping him at home, and never giving up.

Anyway, it is what it is, and I think in the end my dad died the way he wanted to-in his sleep. It's hare to know what would have happened if different decisions had been made and less mistakes, but it is what is...

[kayc]

I just watched the Ben Carson story tonight while waiting for my son, DIL, & granddaughter to arrive.  It was amazing!  He was performing brain surgery within three years of his residency and with superb results!  Goes to show there are some good ones out there.  But I guess it's kind of like having to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince...it might take a few doctors before you find the one that is right for you.

[TerriL]

You're all so right---we all have our doubts and theories about what should/could have been done differently to save our loved ones or prolong their lives. I had so much anger in the immediate aftermath of Paul's death. I was angry at the retina specialist (also an MD, of course) who, in my opinion, handled Paul's loss of vision in far too casual a manner. Paul was still in otherwise good condition at that point and I feel the doctor should have sent him directly to the ER of a hospital, instead of wasting another full day to send him to yet another eye specialist in Miami. It had already been determined through a series of tests that the problem was NOT with Paul's eye. But, the person with whom I was angriest of all was ME. Two days before he was able to see the specialist---the day he woke up with the vision gone in his only good eye---every instinct in me was screaming that he needed to go to an ER. That maybe, just possibly, it was NOT the eye, but the blood vessels within his head. I didn't want to scare him, but the thought of it being a small stroke did cross my mind. Paul kept saying it would be a waste of time and they'd just send him home, telling him to call his eye doctor. Yes, he had eye treatments done on that eye just a month before, so that threw us off. Paul felt I was overreacting, but if his doctor had told him to go straight to the ER, I have no doubt he would have obeyed his orders. I try not to replay all that in my head, because there is no use now. It won't undo anything or bring him back. Some days I'm more successful at keeping it in check than others. My initial desire to sue that doctor who wasted another day, resulting in Paul having that final major stroke, waned with the thought that it would only result in more stress on me. I'd have to find a lawyer, blah, blah, etc. I mean, if it had been gross medical negligence or malpractice, I may have decided to pursue it. I have no doubt, however, that I would be questioned, as well, by the defense attorney. They'd want to know why, if I felt something should have been done, I didn't speak up and insist my husband go to the ER. You know, they aren't going to lie down and make it easy for you, unless they KNOW they majorly screwed up. Under those circumstances, they may settle to get it over with. With my special 20/20 hindsight, in my imagination, I can go back and do everything just right and Paul's life is saved. If only...

Karen, I was not aware that you had lost both your husband and your daughter. My heart goes out to you.