It hurts so bad

[Guest]

I'm guessing that if things were reversed and Deedo was the one participating in this forum she would also be feeling and writing about guilt for actions she would perceive as guilt worthy. Now in my mind she was as close to perfect as a human can be and there would be nothing for her to rue. I honestly believe guilt is all part of the nature of the beast. I find myself regretting things I did or didn't do while Deedo couldn't thank me enough for what I was doing for her. 

[scba]

I agree with you Kay, and that's why I'm testing something. When I deal with guilt or,regret I write down it in one column, and in the next I write what my love would say or feel about the episode. I do this to gain perspective and forgive myself, cause this is difficult and is surely a beast to fight.

 

[iPraiseHim]

2 hours ago, scba said:

I agree with you Kay, and that's why I'm testing something. When I deal with guilt or,regret I write down it in one column, and in the next I write what my love would say or feel about the episode. I do this to gain perspective and forgive myself, cause this is difficult and is surely a beast to fight.

 

That is a great suggestion.  I am going to do the same.  It's worth a try.  Shalom

 

[scba]

moreover, I try to include some facts for him and my reply. For example, my boyfriend wasn't fond of going outdoors and enjoy nature, but I liked that. Maybe he regrets not having gone out for a picnic. I want to keep some sort of relationship.

[brat#2]

Mitch - we all have that guilt of what we did or didn't do in our relationship, both before sickness, during sickness and now after death, but I'm sure Tammy and our loved ones understand (as I'm sure they gave out as good as we did too) and have forgiven us.  Now we just have to forgive ourselves, which is not easy.

scba - that sounds like a great idea, I'm going to try it too.

Joyce

[scba]

https://m.soundcloud.com/onbeing/a-guided-meditation-on?in=onbeing/sets/roshi-joan-halifax-on#t=0:23

This is an audio meditation (no dowload) about forgiveness to ourselves, It has been posted in another thread. I hope it helps a little. 

[mittam99]

Well, I bought a corned beef but I'm still not sure I can make it without feeling wrong doing it. I know Tammy would want me to find some measure of happiness in my "new" life. I know she wouldn't want me to suffer or avoid things I enjoy. Yet because it was corned beef that I was preparing for dinner the day Tammy died, I feel so tortured with this.

I think it all goes back to guilt. Not just guilt that I'm enjoying something in the here and now that Tammy can't. I gave Tammy a little sample taste of the corned beef on that terrible March day and she didn't really want to eat it. Now keep in mind, corned beef was something Tammy went crazy for...

Tammy never turned down corned beef. I should have known something was seriously wrong. I just chalked it up to Tammy being super tired. So there's that guilt of feeling like I missed a sign of impending doom or something. I also know that Tammy herself just said she was tired. But... still, this is all just so overwhelming.

I'm sure I'll wind up eating the corned beef but I'm pretty sure I'll feel bad doing it. I hope Tammy's OK with it.

[iPraiseHim]

Mitch, I had no clue my wife was going to die when she did either.  She had been weak for so long.  I knew she was having trouble breathing. I remember checking the oxygen tubing, the home oxygen generator and every thing looked fine when I left for work.  She said she was weak but that she would manage. Her last words were, " I love you George. Lord be with you and keep you safe". 

She normally called around 9-10 am but she never called.  She always had trouble sleeping so I didn't call to wake her up. 

After she died, I kept thinking that maybe I didn't check the machine close enough or maybe she didn't have enough emergency oxygen. I did everything that I could do to keep her safe. We just don't know what we don't know.  If I knew my wife was going to have trouble that morning, I would not have gone to work that day.  If you knew it was more serious you would have done whatever it took to get Tammy help.  You demonstrated that many times before.  We did our best, not perfect, for we are merely humans.

I made a meal recently, that my wife and I loved to eat.  As I prepared each serving, I remembered all of the good times and memories we shared when eating this meal.  It was a special, serene, and wholesome meal.  I think fondly of my wife when I eat this meal.  Shalom

[mittam99]

I like to think I have a good grasp on things; that somehow I'm on top of it...

Unfortunately, so much in our lives is totally out of our control.

It's just hard to come to terms with that sometimes, I reckon.

[scba]

Dear Mitch, I didn't knew either that the last time I waved my hand to my BF before going to surgery was going to be the last time I looked into his eyes, nor the last time I was unable to hold his hand when he was in coma was going the last time I saw him. He was in hospital before and after surgery. I blamed myself for not having visited him enough in hospital (I was working or busy taking care of our home or tired dealing with two jobs) for not having thought that things could end up with dead (he was hospitalized before but always got better inmediately with antibiotics) I blamed myself for not hugging him, telling him that I loved him, for not thinking that he could die, for not reading or smelling death coming, for being unable to behave at the ICU..I blamed for being naive, for being careless, for this and that.....and for what? What do I gain, how do I improve, what this will do to me? ..this is to share with you that we all feel the same, that you are not alone in this failure feeling and to share the hope that thatt this too shall pass.

 

[mittam99]

27 minutes ago, scba said:

What do I gain, how do I improve, what this will do to me? ..this is to share with you that we all feel the same, that you are not alone in this failure feeling and to share the hope that thatt this too shall pass.

 

Thanks for your words.

[mittam99]

So... I made that corned beef and ate some. About ten minutes later, I was getting chest pains... heartburn.

Was that Tammy's way of saying she didn't approve? I really don't think so... it was just heartburn.

I know Tammy would want me to find some measure of happiness. I miss my Tammy so much.

[kayc]

If that doesn't just figure!  You finally do something positive for yourself and that happens!  Sometimes I wonder if life doesn't have a sense of humor!

[Gwenivere]

Kay, I think life does have a sense of humor.  We all have memories of that.  It is death that is the part crashed no one wants to stop by.  Really a bummer of a guy.

[kevin]

I re lived three and a half years of Angela's illness and the strange Journey she was on. I second guess my reluctance to challenge Angela and the treatment she given..... I question the wisdom of Operating on an Aneurysm that hasn't changed in 3 years, questioned any brain surgery when your feeling good at 70 years of age.......The amount and types of blood thinners and balancing diet,blood pressure, and overall nutrition....Most of us were caregivers and our spouses trusted us 150% unconditionally. That was a lot of trust, so it's only Natural we would second guess ourselves......but in retrospect, between the two of us, it was our finest moment.......   

[Gin]

Thanks Kevin.  It is  so strange that everyone around me thought I did great with Al during his illness but me?  He had all these terrible bruise marks from the blood thinner.  I pointed it out to the internist, cardiologist, pulmonologist and vascular surgeon.  They all told me not to worry about it.  His legs swelled....just keep those compression socks on and don't worry about it.  Maybe I should have worried MORE about it.  We all devoted ourselves to our loved one and wish we could have done more.  I hope someday I will believe it was my finest moment.

[kevin]

Bruise marks, now that's a good story...Power outage and my poor Wife literally froze in the dark and on stairs.....I had to lift and pull her to a landing and get a flashlight. Got lights we all sat down , everything returned to normal....Next morning ,giving Angela wash up, I saw two of the blackest bruises on her arms shaped like fingers.....I asked around and the medical lady said with the medication bruising was common...I was a little taken aback....bruises went from black to yellow...stayed for at least two weeks... 

[brat#2]

Mitch, I don't think that was Tammy saying she wasn't happy that you ate corned beef, it was just caused by your stress of thinking about eating it without her. I had a similar situation when I finally made meatloaf, Dale loved my and only my meatloaf.  It was about 4 months after he died that I made it and I got heartburn and it really made me sick to my stomach, I haven't made it since.  It's amazing how our minds will get us all worked up over the simple things that we loved as a couple and not let them be happy anymore.

I too did not know that Dale was going to die when he did, yes he had the bruises from the drugs, feet and ankles swollen from the drugs, weak from the drugs and then that day he was in such pain in his stomach I thought it was from chemo.  We had just gotten news that the brain radiation worked and his tumors were gone, then the next day his stomach pain started.  Late that night, I finally called an ambulance and after tests they found a bowel perforation and there wasn't anything they could do.  Five days later of pain medication and not being responsive, he gave up.  The whole time I kept thinking I should have known and somehow could have prevented it.  Everyone, even the doctors, told me that I took such good care of him and did everything "we" could have done, but it didn't feel that way.

Joyce

[WolfsKat]

On ‎3‎/‎3‎/‎2016 at 7:37 AM, mittam99 said:

Question... I find myself talking to myself quite often and talking to Tammy here and there. Am I the only one?

You certainly are not!  I do the same.......for some reason, often while I am driving. Probably because Connor and I would chat the entire time we went driving anywhere.  I can just hope people think I have a "hands free" cell phone or something......And some days I still call out, "Honey, I'm home" when I get back from work.

[mittam99]

I tell Tammy I'm home everytime I come back home from work as well.

[Margm]

Anytime I am by myself, that is me and Billy time.  And now he cannot argue with me.  He always had selective hearing anyhow.

[Margm]

I hurt Billy the last time I cooked for him.  I have not cooked since.  I know he was already sick, but we had no diagnosis.   After that he could not eat.  I fix Lean Cuisine, sandwiches and Boost.  I let other family cook or buy take out.

[mittam99]

Grief really does hurt in many ways...

Last night I was watching TV when I saw a woman that had features that reminded me of my beloved mom. I began to tear up and then had a wave of thoughts about all the people in my life who are gone. And of course my thoughts went to my sweet Tammy. It became very overwhelming and incredibly intense. Oddly, there were some tears but not a lot. It was almost like I became catatonic for a moment or two. I couldn't process all the sorrow. Afterward, my head was throbbing in a way I've rarely experienced. Not a normal headache feel at all. It felt like my brain itself was swelling or something.

 

[brat#2]

I'm sorry Mitch.  Since my Dale has died, I've gotten those attacks too.  I'm thinking more about ALL the loved ones I have lost in my life, it's almost like you are reliving those losses again.  Of course, the loss of Dale has been the most intense I have gone through.  It is just so difficult!  Hugs

Joyce

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Grief really does hurt in many ways...

Last night I was watching TV when I saw a woman that had features that reminded me of my beloved mom. I began to tear up and then had a wave of thoughts about all the people in my life who are gone. And of course my thoughts went to my sweet Tammy. It became very overwhelming and incredibly intense. Oddly, there were some tears but not a lot. It was almost like I became catatonic for a moment or two. I couldn't process all the sorrow. Afterward, my head was throbbing in a way I've rarely experienced. Not a normal headache feel at all. It felt like my brain itself was swelling or something.

Ive been thinking about why so many things trigger so much.  The closest I have come is that this loss opened some kind of portal because it was so intense and now other losses like parents, friends, pets can come thru.  It is hard enough when it was just about Steve, but now I do think of prior losses with great intensity.  The even harder part is I can't close the portal.  Or filter out the other losses.  

I get odd headaches now too and I never did before.  Not normal, as you said.  My head just feels really strange with twinges of pain, but more a surrealism I can't shake.  I'll continue doing things, but I feel very detatched, but not enoug to feel outside myself so it feels awkward and very unpleasant.