It hurts so bad

[mittam99]

I think a loss like we are going through makes us think more about our own mortality.

[MartyT]

It's a fact that current losses often trigger thoughts and feelings about past losses ~ especially if we failed to mourn sufficiently those past losses at the time that they occurred. Many years ago, my second baby died at the age of three days, following what we thought had been a normal pregnancy and delivery. (It turned out to be a severe Rh incompatibility, when preventative treatment for that condition had yet to be discovered.) Anyway, back then there was no such thing as grief counseling or support for postpartum mothers whose babies had died. The only support and understanding I had came from my husband, who was also grieving. Everyone else acted as if nothing of any significance had happened to us. So we just picked up our lives and went on. Flash forward about 15 years. A cockapoo I loved dearly had been hit by a car and had to be euthanized. My husband was away on a business trip and my two boys were in school. I was all alone. I brought my dog's body home, sat on the sofa and held and rocked him for hours, until his body was stiff. I cried and wailed and moaned my heart out ~ and as I did so, I became acutely aware of the fact that I'd never been given an opportunity to see or hold my baby who had died several years before (I delivered him via C-section and never got to see him, nor was I able to attend his burial service.) I knew somehow that I wasn't just mourning the loss of my dog ~ I was mourning the loss of the baby I'd never taken the opportunity to mourn before. As I became aware of that, I began to recall all the other losses I had endured, too, and I gave myself permission to wail and cry for them as well. This experience was really the beginning of my profound interest in studying and learning all I could about the normal grief process, and it certainly led eventually to my becoming a grief counselor. I share this with all of you simply to demonstrate how current loss can trigger past losses, and to emphasize how important it is to face our grief head-on, to feel and to process our feelings thoroughly, and to seek outside support if we feel a need for that. It also shows that it is never too late to do the work of mourning, because if we don't deal with our grief at the time it's happening to us, it just sits there waiting for us to give it the attention it requires.

[brat#2]

Thank you Marty

[hollowheart]

22 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Ive been thinking about why so many things trigger so much.

I also think the greater and more intense the loss then the more intense emotions you get from triggers. You can lose a relative and still manage to get on with your life, but another relative, friend or partner can cause great distress and discomfort for years and the rest of your life.

And I'm also starting to panic about losing family members in general. Our family tree is dwindling, we lost a lot of the younger generation and I think "who will be left?" Only one left behind one child, so not many to keep carrying on.

[Gwenivere]

Thank you for sharing that, Marty.  Many forget that professionals choose thier specialties because they know exactly how it feels.  My counselor and I have grown closer each time she has shared some of her personal life.  It's so easy to forget that they, too, have had tragedies.  Mine told me she has colleagues that wouldn't dare share anything.  I think that is sad because knowing a little of thier struggles eases some of that isolation.  

[KATPILOT]

When I was a lot younger it was suggested that I read a book "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. It was then that I first became aware of the contributions given by counselors BECAUSE they had been through the emotions themselves and to counsel someone is to let your own life and feelings enter the session. I was never talked to.  I was talked with.

I thank you too Marty.

[MartyT]

Dear ones, I think it's essential to know what qualifies anyone (grief counselor or author) to be saying anything to you about grief and loss.  

I've always been open about my own personal losses. I began my own Grief Healing website way back in January of 2000. Anyone who reads my Introduction there will see the details of my own experience with loss.

And after many years of studying, learning and practicing in the field, more than anything else, I believe very strongly in Alan Wolfelt's concept of "companioning" the bereaved.

[mittam99]

Marty thank you for sharing that post. It gives us members a unique perspective on your own grief journey.

Today's grief trigger for me... a bottle of gin.

For the first time since Tammy's passing, I opened the cabinet that housed our tiny liquor selection. Once I saw that almost empty bottle of Gilbey's gin, I lost it. We rarely drank, but Tammy loved those gin and tonics I made with plenty of ice and lime. We shared a lot of smiles sipping on those refreshing drinks from time to time. Realizing I'll never experience that again is such painful kick in the gut.

Another day. Another new trigger. I never knew there were so many triggers. Triggers you see. Triggers you hear. Triggers you think, Triggers you touch. Triggers you smell. Triggers you taste.

Such is this journey they call grief.

[KATPILOT]

Land mines Mitch carefully laid by the two of you.

21 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

 

Such is this journey they call grief.

 

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Another day. Another new trigger. I never knew there were so many triggers. Triggers you see. Triggers you hear. Triggers you think, Triggers you touch. Triggers you smell. Triggers you taste.

Wow, so true, Mitch.  We always knew our lives and homes were up intertwined with our partners, but to keep finding more is hard.  They seem to be smaller now as the biggies were so obvious.  The gin bottle for you, cleaning some walls for me.  It seemed a logical thing to do as they bothered me, but I couldn't tell Steve to come see how much better it looked.  It's not just the triggers, it's the inability to replicate what they were before they became that.  That cocktail with out Tammy wouldn't be the same.  I'm having pasta tonight and I know I will miss Steve talking about the 'pasta belly' after.  The triggers always get me thinking of what he would have said in the old days that I will never hear again.

[kayc]

Gwen, and today for me it was getting groceries.  As I bagged them up by myself and saw other couples, him bagging, her paying, it reminded me...I tell them to appreciate each other while they still have  the other.  We used to make a day of it, visit friends, eat out, get groceries, come home & put them away, all...together.  

[Gwenivere]

The few people I still run into have told me that what happened to Steve and I has reminded them to nit take anything for granted.     I am glad that they see that.  Hope they keep it up.  We made the most of our time in the end.  Can't believe it ran out.  

Does it bother you shopping to not buy some things anymore because only George liked them?  That really gets to me.

[kayc]

I don't remember George and I liking anything different but sometimes I feel sad he didn't get to try something because he just plain died too soon!

[Gwenivere]

That's cool, Kay.  I see things all the time Steve would love but have to pass them up now.  My shopping list is also shorter because of his tastes.  I know what you mean tho, new things come out and he is missing them.

[enna]

Our willingness to share our grief with one another is what helps each one of us to begin our journey into what is now our "new" life. We are the same only different. I think it is important to grieve each death that has touched us. I learn from others who are willing to share their losses. When my Jim died I found myself sobbing uncontrollably for my sister who died when I was caring for Jim. I have told this story on this forum. My sister was dx with small cell carcinoma after being treated for pneumonia. She lived less than two weeks. I was devastated and could not get to her before she died because of the final stages my beloved Jim was in with Alzheimer's disease. I was caring for him at home and they told me that Jim would not understand if I lift him at this crucial stage of his illness. I would not have gotten to my sister in time anyway because she lived in the Dakotas and it was during one of the worst winters in the midwest. Airline Fights were cancelled and roads were impassable. I was riddled with guilt and it was only after Jim died was I able to cry for my sister's death. 

It is true ~ grief will sit until we honor it. Thank you, Marty and others who share their stories with us. 

Anne

[kayc]

Thank you, Anne.  It's so hard to lose someone you love and not even be able to travel to see them beforehand, and grieve their loss until later.  I feel that happened (and I'm not comparing loss of a dog to loss of a sister) when I lost my Lucky, because it was two days later when I realized I'd have to file divorce with John.  Because of that I feel I never properly mourned Lucky the way I should have, the way she deserved, and I've never gotten to that point.  I don't know when it'll hit, but it's been several years and it still hasn't.  I mean, I cried when she died and when I buried her, but it never hit me like it normally would have because then I was grieving the loss of my marriage.  Lucky deserved better.

[Froggie4635]

I am coming to that point where I don't feel so much in the fog...and now the realization that each day from now on will be without Mark, and it hurts so bad.  Looking at a photo or touching his shirt are not ENOUGH.  It is becoming more obvious and I am more aware of how long it has been since I touched him.  Mark and I were so very affectionate with each other, and I crave that.  There is no substitute for that.  There is a huge emptiness at the tips of my fingers.

[Guest]

19 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

 It is becoming more obvious and I am more aware of how long it has been since I touched him.  Mark and I were so very affectionate with each other, and I crave that.  There is no substitute for that.  There is a huge emptiness at the tips of my fingers.

Deedo and I were very touchy too.  Everywhere we went her arm was through mine.  I miss my snuggles and cuddles.  Recently, I was at a restaurant observing a couple at a table across the way.  It was, in my mind, so sad.  Both had their phones out and were ignoring each other.  After a long period she put her phone away and tried to engage him in conversation but to no avail.  Neither looked very happy and all I could think was how different that was for us.  Never did electronics interfere with us.  We would talk incessantly whenever we were together.  It amazes me that we never ran out of things to talk about.  Talking and touching, touching and talking.

[scba]

Us too. We were very affectionate, I loved to hug him. I didn't have a smartphone so electronic did not interfere in our conversations. I miss our conversations so bad. When I witness a situationn of couples ignoring on the table, I think inmediately of what I had and don't have anymore. Both sides of the coin. Before, just one side. 

[mittam99]

Tammy always said I was the best hugger but hers were as amazing. Those hugs were pure magic. We didn't want to let go. And don't get me started on how perfect our lips were for each other. Funny story. When Tammy and I were early on in our relationship we decided just to lay in bed and kiss... just kiss. I put a romantic CD in my computer and away we went. Well, the album repeated itself about three time before we stopped locking lips. Afterwards we reaized how numb and swollen our lips were and neither of us could even talk properly for hours. But... it was well worth it!

Tammy was much more open about public displays of affection then I was. Typical trip to say, Applebees restaurant...

We'd get out of our car and Tammy wouldn't hesitate to pinch my ass. I remember the time she did that and this older couple just about fainted! Then we'd sit at the table and Tammy would start playing footsies with me. Oh my Tammy was quite a firecracker!

It's so hard to have the best... to have the perfect love. And then, in a flash... your whole life as you knew it, is gone.

 

 

[hollowheart]

43 minutes ago, scba said:

Us too. We were very affectionate, I loved to hug him. I didn't have a smartphone so electronic did not interfere in our conversations. I miss our conversations so bad. When I witness a situationn of couples ignoring on the table, I think inmediately of what I had and don't have anymore. Both sides of the coin. Before, just one side. 

I think of something similar when I see two girl friends (or sisters) together. I think "That used to be us" *sob*

[Froggie4635]

I came across some pictures on Pinterest, and they made me really hurt for Mark.  One of the pics is simply shows the arms of a man behind the wheel of the car and the woman next to him, and her hand is resting on his arm.  I used to do that to him all the time.  I loved touching him.  I know he loved all the gestures of love.  I, too, had a thing for touching his butt; he would do this silly little dance as I placed my hands there.  I would also walk up behind him when he was standing in the backyard, and wrap my arms around his chest from behind.  

Mark and I were not really able to be intimate, for he had really bad circulation due to his smoking.  It didn't lessen our relationship as husband and wife in any way. When I would find him being down on himself because he "couldn't"...I would tell him that honestly it didn't matter.  We were not teenagers or youngsters.  We were middle age adults who really felt all past that stuff.  I was so completely content with our little kisses in the morning as he dropped me off at work.  I fell in love with his mind...and he told me the same.  When we were getting to know each other...especially in the early stages online...sex was NEVER spoken about.  I KNEW he was a true gentleman because he NEVER talked about it.  It was like there wasn't really a physical element to our marriage and relationship as husband and wife, or man and woman for that matter.  

There were dark parts to his personality early on...he considered himself an alcoholic.  "Dark Mark" as I would call him surfaced early on...but once we were married and then when we moved into our home, "Dark Mark" didn't return.  He still drank, but I guess he was what would be considered a functioning alcoholic.  I still loved him through those days.  We had slept separately the last year of his life.  He stayed up later than I did; he also snored.  I am a very light sleeper, and he did not like the idea of waking me when he went to bed. Once we adopted two of our dogs, they came in and slept with me.  When we adopted our third, Max, he slept with Mark.  When I went in to wake him in the morning, I would take Max to go outside.  I loved gently waking Mark up with a soft touch on his face.  Gosh, I am REALLY missing him so much.

[mittam99]

Maryann... and I'm not trying to be cliche, in any way...

We were truly blessed to find the perfect person that made our life complete. Many people (maybe the majority) never experience that. Mark and you clearly had something special and it was perfect for the two of you.  When Tammy and I found each other, we knew that life was going to be better for both of us. We had a one of a kind, once in a lifetime love.

We all had spouses and significant others that made our lives magical. I'm not saying that everything in our lives was perfect everyday. Hey, we're all human. But none of us would have chosen to spend our lives with anyone else. And now we're "weeble wobbling" our way through this journey of grief, the best we can. It's so hard because we had everything we ever wanted. Now we have so much pain and so much sorrow. It's overwhelming. But somehow, here we are, surviving.

[Froggie4635]

Dear MItch,

One of the first things I posted on Facebook after Mark died was to tell everyone who read the message to make sure that I let their significant other, or whomever they loved in their life...mom, dad, children, friends. to make sure that they KNEW how you felt and to not let a day slip away before you told them.  With the snap of the fingers, what is most special is gone.  There is no way to go back and make sure they knew.  Far too many people have to deal with regrets for things they should have said or done, but always thought they had plenty of time.  Like you said, we were blessed to have found our other half, the person who completed our lives.  Mark told me many times, and wrote it in letters to me that he had really thought he was going to be alone for the rest of his life; he had thought his chance for love had passed him by.  There is a line in one of his letters that is so very bittersweet: He wrote early on before we were married that now perhaps there would be someone to cry on his grave.  I feel the tears coming as I write these words.

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

I am coming to that point where I don't feel so much in the fog...and now the realization that each day from now on will be without Mark, and it hurts so bad.  Looking at a photo or touching his shirt are not ENOUGH.  It is becoming more obvious and I am more aware of how long it has been since I touched him.  Mark and I were so very affectionate with each other, and I crave that.  There is no substitute for that.  There is a huge emptiness at the tips of my fingers.

Maryann, I woke up today to the feeling of enormity of this loss.  My fog started lifting about 6 weeks ago and it has been hell ever since.  I laid in bed thinking of just how long a day was and how much we interact with our partners.  Realized it was another day it was only me in our house.  This whole life/person was plucked out of it and the emptiness is so engulfing.  His stuff around is not enough.  It's a reminder he is not there.  It takes everything I have to get out of bed now.  I want to hear, see and touch him too and I know for REAL that cannot and will not happen.  No matter how many days pass.  It's another day of eating alone, coming home to a silent house and spending hours in the evening just waiting to go to bed.  And then the cycle begins again.  I've never felt I was so close to losing my mind to such loneliness and depression.

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

It's so hard to have the best... to have the perfect love. And then, in a flash... your whole life as you knew it, is gone.

I know it felt like a flash for you and others.  But many of us went thru watching it coming and somehow were shielded from that reality.  I honestly thought the last time I sent Steve to hospice they would fix him again and he would come home even tho a voice inside me said not this time.  We so want to hold onto them.  Life as we knew it was gone before he left, just having him made all the difference.  As Maryann said above, what they left us is not enough.  You can't fill the void of another person with memories and stuff of theirs.  And the memories are like a show that was cancelled.  It's all reruns.  No new episodes to look forward to.  How we do this day after day in a world filled with images of people together is so frigging hard.  Hearing plans others make with their spouses so easily and they don't even know it.  We didn't once either.  Now I have to figure out how to fill the days alone when they just flowed by before.  Yup, that life we knew pre sickness and ever during when you adapt creates an abyss.  A very very dark one.