It hurts so bad

[kayc]

I've done Karaoke but I'd probably be more comfortable with it if I had a drink under my belt!  Alas I cannot drink.  

[Gwenivere]

I'm not sure, I'm, only Kevin could tell us, but will he need dome liquid courage of not?  

[JHCP]

Mittam99 I am right in the same place as you. My Jack passed after his battle with lupus on March 15th 2015. Approaching the first anniversary I am having a hard time. I hope you were surrounded with company or that your anniversary of losing your Tammy was bearable! I feel like as my day approaches I am just grieving more and more. New memories and flashbacks and dreams are filling my head. My normal distractions aren't working. It has been rough! My prayers are with you my friend! I hope you are faring this time well! 

[Anearia]

I have decided today to stop counting the days he has been gone. To rather count the days he was here. I will work hardNOT to remember my Lars as a dying man on the day he died. I will rather forget that day and remember and celebrate his Birthday. The day he died no longer exists in my world. Big words. I hope I can stay with them.

For those of you approaching anniversary days of all kinds. I wish you strength and hope you all know [I know Im new here, dont mean to be cheeky] that this community holds everyone of us in its love and strong embrace.-Thats the feeling I have had since I arrived here anyway.

[TerriL]

Anearia, I am so sorry, as I'm sure everyone else is, that you have now become a part of this group. As they told me, when I first posted, this is a club no one truly wants to be a member of. I'm so sorry for you loss. I lost my husband almost five months ago now. He always cooked for me and it fills me with such overwhelming sadness to think that I will never again taste all of my favorite meals that he made with so much love. 

I'm not sure how long it has been since your beloved husband passed away, but your attitude towards the food may change with time. My wonderful husband, Paul, had made soup, pasta sauce and chili a while back and had containers of them in our freezer to take out for meals or lunch or whatever. I finally worked my way down to one container of each item. Then, I had sort of a "freak out". Those three containers would be the last of Paul's cooking in existence. If I ate them, that would be it and I would never again taste his cooking. They sat there for quite a while, but then, I began looking at it from a different perspective. I thought to myself that if I kept these items in the freezer, never eating them, and something happened to me down the road, they would probably just be thrown away. All the love and work my husband put into making these meals for us to enjoy would have been for NOTHING. Wasted. And I STILL would never have tasted his meals ever again, because I didn't eat what was in the containers! So, I took out the soup, which I had been craving, thawed it out and ate it that night for dinner. It tasted so delicious and I savored every single spoonful. And then, I realized that even in death my husband was STILL taking care of me, making sure I had something nutritious to eat. When I'm ready, I will also take out the last of the sauce and the chili and enjoy them, too. Because that is what Paul intended. For them to be appreciated and enjoyed. 

And I also look out and see the beauty around me and wish so much that he was here to share it with me. I look out at the garden we were planning on planting just one week before he suddenly and unexpectedly passed away last October and it sits there now, empty, with weeds growing back where the new plants should have been. At some point down the road, I may plant something there myself, in his honor, but I just don't have the energy or the enthusiasm yet for a project of that size.

I hope you find the same comfort and camaraderie that I have found in this forum. In cases of such deep grief, I don't believe it's "misery loves company" as much as the miserable loving the understanding and acceptance that they are unable to find anywhere else in their lives. Take care. 

[Froggie4635]

Terri,

I have to admit to wanting to hold on to food items because they relate to my husband, Mark.  When I cleaned out the refrigerator, I found his jar of bacon fat and I fell apart.  I know I will never use it, but I can't remove it.  There is a partial bag of coffee beans from a brand he loved and we would grind them as needed, also a small bottle of root beer flavoring.  Mark had tried to make his own not long before he passed.  The last remaining bottle of his favorite beer sits in the shelves in the door. The most unusual item I am keeping are two pieces of leftover steak.  The night before he died, we had gone to his mom's for his birthday dinner and she fixed him steaks.  Well, she always fixed so much, because she was used to cooking for a large family.  Well, we ended up bringing a couple pieces of it home with us, with the intention of giving it to the dogs in their food.  They were off his plate. Well, after he died, I put them in the freezer.  Just not ready to throw them out.

[Margm]

Girls, I want to eliminate 2015, and October will be deleted forever. October was my favorite month, now my reality is only 11 months to a year.  Billy's mesenteric arteries had to have stents.  The last meal I fixed for him took him to the ER.  I think Chief Joseph said something like I will fight no more.  I will cook no more.  

[JHCP]

On February 11, 2016 at 5:22 PM, kayc said:

No more than any of us did, Mitch.  George had symptoms of heart problems, he'd talked with his doctor, the doctor didn't point him to a cardiologist, George and I just thought it was his Diabetes or something, we were puzzled.  We should have known but we didn't, when the doctors don't catch on, how can we be expected to?  I remember feeling just as you did, Mitch, but it didn't change anything, it didn't bring him back, there were no do-overs.  It's a hard thing to live with, and yet I've had to, and I've had to accept my ignorance, or whatever letting him down there was.  Try not to beat yourself up, at the end of the day, you're bloodied inside and she's still not here.

Having to accept that your own ignorance let down your loved one when they needed you most has been tough for me too! When Jack collapsed, I immediately called 911. I was hysterical, first regret. The lady had to get me to calm down so that I could help him. Finally she had me lay him flat, no easy task as he was 6'10" and I am a mere 5'6" and he collapsed at the landing of our stairs which was only about 4' x4'. I couldn't open the front door as it opened in. So luckily the garage door was an option. Once I got him flat the lady told me to start chest compressions but not to press too hard. In retrospect the woman didn't know his size and her instruction was poor, as was my knowledge of how to revive someone so I followed her instruction and feel I had little to no effect in keeping his heart beating while I waited for them to arrive, second regret. I regret also even making him get up to go to the movies that day. He wasn't feeling well so I thought going to our favorite movie theater with reclining chairs would be a good activity. Had he stayed in bed he may still be here. I also regret being so hysterical that for a split second I forgot our address while I was on the phone with the 911 operator. These things have haunted me terribly! I feel as if they always will. The 'what if's' surrounding the events that day are hard to swallow. I failed my other half that day. Some of you were able to exchange last words with your loved ones, Jack was unresponsive and gasping for air from the moment he collapsed. His gaze fixed at the wall. I didn't get my goodbye. That I regret too.

[scba]

I had to learn to cook when I moved alone in my 20s. Many years later I end up that I actually enjoyed cooking. I used to appreciate good food, good wine, italian food, chinese, indian, african, mexican. I loved pastry shops. Bakery. I bought many books. I lost all of that. 

[Froggie4635]

Dear JHCP,

Please be kind with your self.  I went through the same situation.  No one expects to have to give chest compressions to their spouse.  I, too, was hysterical once the person from 911 asked me if he was conscious.  She did her best to keep me calm on the phone as I reclined back the chair Mark was in and did as she instructed.  I had taken a CPR course not too long ago, and knew where to place my hands.  I couldn't help him breathe because he was in the chair and I couldn't lift him out.  She told me that she needed to hear me count with her.  I was still crying and calling his name.  When the emergency people arrived, I was asked how long it had been since I had spoken with him...I said 10 minutes; I don't actually know how long it was...it felt like 10 minutes.  It is hard to maintain your cool when the person is trouble is the one you love.  Please, don't be hard on yourself. 

[KarenK]

Ron loved to cook and all that he fixed was very good. He sort of made it up as he went along and even though I watched him many times, I've yet to duplicate his specialties. Cooking is not my "forte". I have always said that I'd rather iron than cook. Can't remember the last time I ironed anything.  LOL

He had not been able to cook or eat for the 6 months preceding his death, except for his special Thanksgiving meal in Nov. 2012. He could barely stand so my son and I cooked while he supervised. Sadly though, he couldn't eat any of it.

So, there were no frozen meals of his left. This thread got me to thinking. Back in 1973, as newlyweds we went on a harbor cruise in San Diego. We bought 2 sealed(complete with plastic glasses) single glasses of wine and carried them home with us. One of us did not drink theirs(can't remember which one after all this time) and I have kept in the refrigerator all this time. It will remain there until I am gone. It is a reminder of a very special time for us.

[JHCP]

I was asked to count also. It felt like 15 minutes for me, and I also have no real idea how long it actually took. He was gasping the whole time like a fish out of water. Eyes wide open and his gaze pinned. Then he would stop breathing all together before gasping again. I felt the life drain from him literally right in my hands. It was horrifying! I wish I could have been more helpful! 

[Margm]

@JHCP: Getting rid of our guilt will be a lifelong chore, one I hate to carry.  As Marty says, we have to forgive ourselves.  Good luck with that.  As much as we loved them, I do think they would forgive us.  I know I must have a guilt gene mixed up with my insanity gene.   Actually, that was one of Billy's chief gripes with me.  He hated how I would worry and carry the guilt for everything that happened in any family strife.  Now, if he is aware of my guilt, he would fuss at me.  I guess I carry guilt at even weather changes.  Who appointed me God?  I am my own worse enemy.  About 30 years ago I went to a psychiatrist who told me in our 15 minute visit "You have to learn to love yourself."  He charged me somewhere around $125 for 15 minutes.  I learned I loved my money more, so I did not go back to that one shrink.

[JHCP]

Oh and get this about a month after Jack died, the paramedics called asking to speak to Jack about the ambulance bill. They crudely didn't even recall he was dead on arrival and they hadn't revived him. I screamed at the lady and told her that if they hadn't taken so long getting to me maybe he would still be here to pay their bill. After all the fire house was literally only about 1/8 of a mile away from us and they took forever to get to our home!

[brat#2]

Speaking of cooking and food, I too haven't really cleaned out the fridge.  Dale loved to make all kinds of sauces, marinates, hot sauces, etc.  I didn't like any of them, but they are still in the fridge.  Also during his treatments he really liked those pudding packs, and there are still 2 of them in the fridge.  He would cook, his specialty was cooking on the grill, but I did most of the cooking, and he loved most of the food I made, but since he left, I haven't made any of his "favorites" can't bring myself to do that or eat them.  I'm not really cooking much either, it's really hard to cook for one, so I eat a lot of sandwiches and frozen dinners.

Joyce

[JHCP]

I did ALL of the cooking for Jack and myself. I used anti inflammatory foods and created a whole bunch of delicious and healthy organic foods. He loved all of my cooking, even things I wasn't too in love with because I cooked them for him and for his health. He would eat every last bite! The weeks after his passing I had constant company. I force fed them breakfasts snacks and dinners that I typically would have made for Jack. It made me feel normal. 

[KarenK]

JHCP,

I think each of us lives with the "if only I had done things differently". The reality is that we did the best we could with the skills that we were given. Unless you have medical training, you must rely on the professionals. Your story of the ambulance resonates with me. My parents lived a block from the hospital. My father suffered an abdominal aneurysm. It took the ambulance 30 minutes to get there. He bled to death.

I am 5' tall. Ron outweighed me by 140 lbs. On 2 occasions, he fell while attempting to get into the truck. The first time, I could not get him up. He was on top of me. I managed to get up and call paramedics. The stupid policeman asked me if he was drunk. I said "No, only dying". The second time, he fell between the passenger seat and dashboard. I flagged down a passing stranger for help. Thank heavens for kind strangers. Both times, I felt I had let him down, but it was beyond my capabilities to help him.

I know this does not ease your guilt, but believe me you did all you could.

[Froggie4635]

Our fire station was probably about that close.  There was both a fire truck and an ambulance.  There was probably like 5 men in the house working on Mark.  When I was giving him chest compressions, there was never any gasping for air, and he never opened his eyes again.  The one man explained to me that they had a very faint heartbeat and pulse and that they were working to make it stronger before they tried to move him. It went on in my house for over 45 minutes. The hospital was as close to our house as the fire department was.  On that short ride to the hospital, the ambulance stopped in the middle of the street (I was following in a car with a friend).  I knew he had to already be dead when he got there.  It wasn't even like 5 minutes after my friend parked the car that the doctor came and told me they had done all they could do.  It didn't matter how close either were.  I called as quick as I could, and did what I could to keep him with me.  I haven't really suffered from any guilt yet, but then I still feel in shock from the whole experience.

[scba]

Dear JHCP, I don't know what to tell you that could ease your pain and the guilt/regrets you have. Knowing that each of us lives with that may give some or no confort. And to work over those feelings is another thing we must figure out if we don't want to consume our lives for those things that we cannot change. I think that "acceptance" is related more with accept the things that we cannot change more than anything else. But it is hard. I carry my own dosis of guilt/regret and I'm forcing myself not to go over there, but some days is not possible to be that strong. I feel too that I fail him in so many ways and I felt that more in the last months before his passing when his health was declining.

We must learn to forgive ourselves, I just don't know how to do that. When I don't want to feel left alone dealing with it. Sometimes I imagine that my beloved is dealing with some form of guilt too but hoping is not painful. I just cannot think that he is doing right well and better than before while I'm here suffering. I mean, I don't want him to suffer, but I wish it wasn't just me who is left with missing, with what ifs, with thoughts and etc. It is selfish from my side, I should wish the contrary. I should wish he is resting in peace. But if we carried on so many things together, how could this be different? I guess I cannot accept that I'm left alone to deal with this part of love.

Perhaps you may check Darcy Sims on Youtube. Her speeches are helpful.

 

[JHCP]

Scba I will check her out on YouTube, thanks! 

Froggie4635 I guess in that respect I am lucky. The paramedics allowed me to ride with them in the front seat. While they were working on him at our home they told me to go ahead and get dressed more comfortably because I was in heels and date attire. So I threw on his huge sweatshirt and some shorts and flip flops. On the ride over I called his brother from his cell phone in the ambulance. The hospital we went to was my choice. There were two in proximity and one was where he would always prefer to go so that's where I told them to take him. The emergency room isn't private. I entered with the paramedics and was soon joined by his brother. We stood together in shock about 5 feet from Jack as they worked on him for almost 45 mins. They could not get his heart to beat on its own. They stopped. I pleaded with them not to! But they said they worked on him longer than they would normally and there was nothing more to be done. They unhooked him and allowed me to lie with him a few hours before they took him away. I kissed and talked to him and wept the whole time. My best friend came to sit with me and eventually took me home where she stayed with me for a week. I am so fortunate that on this anniversary of his death she has invited me to visit her in Ohio. I'm staying a week with her. I don't think I would get through this time without her. 3-16-2015 was the worst day of my life! 

[Froggie4635]

Dear JHCP,

There will be a time when what you experienced will NOT be the first thing you think of when remembering Jack.  I remember everything that happened that morning, but seeing him there on that table isn't the first vision I get anymore.  So glad you have a friend to be there and help you.

[mittam99]

I think a lot of us here have lost our spouses in a sudden and traumatic way. It seems to me we're not just dealing with the loss of our soul mate and all that entails...

Losing our loved one in that way creates a grief compounded with a sort of post traumatic stress. And we have those "why" questions and the "if-only's" that play on our minds and wreak havoc with our emotions.

For me, as I've said before, life is now a one day at a time, just do the best I can event. I don't expect a switch will go off one day and suddenly my life becomes filled with joy and happiness. I mean, we all want to be happy but it's just impossible to imagine happiness without the love of our life in it.

Today is a beautiful, sunny 70 degree March day. The birds are chirping. All is well, it seems. But, here I am inside my house, pondering my life ahead and longing for the life I once had with my perfect wife Tammy. 

One year and two days later, I'm surviving but I haven't learned how to truly live again.

 

 

 

[TerriL]

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

Girls, I want to eliminate 2015, and October will be deleted forever. October was my favorite month, now my reality is only 11 months to a year.  Billy's mesenteric arteries had to have stents.  The last meal I fixed for him took him to the ER.  I think Chief Joseph said something like I will fight no more.  I will cook no more.  

Marg, my birthday is at the end of October. My husband's mother died Oct. 14, 1989, 13 years later, my husband's middle brother (48 yo) died October 13, 2002, my father died two weeks after him, October 29, 2002 and now, my husband passed away 13 years after his middle brother on October 15, 2015. October used to be my favorite month growing up and Halloween was my favorite holiday. Not so much now. 

[mittam99]

The day Tammy died I was making one of her favorite foods... corned beef. I remember bringing her up a small sample but she just didn't have an appetite. A few hours later, she was gone. My mother-in-law told me one of Tammy's beloved father's last meals included corned beef and she vowed to never eat corned beef again. I haven't either. 

Yet, I struggle with this in a way. I love corned beef. Tammy loved corned beef. Would she want me to never eat it again? Should I feel guilty if I do buy one and enjoy it?

[Froggie4635]

Mitch,

I think Tammy would love for you to once again enjoy some corned beef.  Especially since you love it.  It is one of those steps you can take.  Think of a time when you both shared some really good corned beef, and how much you both really enjoyed it.  She would probably whisper to you, "That looks REALLY good." And then smile.  I am a few months ahead of you in my grief journey and I do find it good to have some warm moments of remembering.  It is easier to have these moments when you aren't in the midst of a giant wave of grief.  It's a beautiful day there.  Step outside, take a deep breath and think of a warm moment you two shared.  Nature is a wonderful place...even if it is sitting outside.  I do it more often now....though when it gets REALLY hot, I won't.  Sometimes I just look up into one of the trees in our yard, take a moment to remember.