It hurts so bad

[kayc]

Gin, Well that is an aha moment, but a positive one.  How are you doing?

George, I learned the same thing.  After George died, I felt I wanted to die too.  But then I realized it wasn't that I wanted to die, it was that I didn't want to go through what I'd have to go through, the pain was too great...just as you didn't want to go through the depression.

[Guest]

I've said before that I no longer see myself as suicidal but if I were to have a heart attack I doubt I would dial 911.  It is an enigma; cognitively I no longer have an issue with dying but at the same time I'm more active and focused on staying healthy than I have been in years.  

Yes Kayc - it is the pain I want to avoid and also wanting to be with Deedo again.  So if that's the case why am I working so hard at staying around longer?  I think it's probably that now my caregiver is gone I really don't want to be a burden to my kids.  Seriously, I've started eating fish because the thought of dementia scares the heebie-jeebies out of me.

[kayc]

I'm allergic to fish and my mom had dementia, so I hope I don't live long enough to get it!  My mom ate healthy and was active all her life, still she got it.

Yes it is an enigma!  I want to live long enough to be here for my animals,and I'd like to get my house paid off so my kids won't be in a situation, it won't sell fast, so I guess I have to stick around another 17 years, ugh!

[KATPILOT]

I too worry about my sons having to take care of me. I know they would but I also know what it's like to do it.  Plus I really want to be in this very house when I go for it is a very enchanted place. There's an angel still hanging around.

[scba]

I don't want to die because I don't want my family to suffer, but...I don't want to live 40 years without my soul mate. How that will be possible?

[Margm]

I think some times I get bitter and angry.  No one cares about history.  Our history, all of ours, we each have the death certificates that show, our main history is just that, history and memories.  I was blessed with many years.  I am selfish, I wanted many more.

Billy and I worked 80 years between us.  We did not plan for one of us to be gone.  But, we did plan for both of us, or even one of us to live our last years.  I cannot support three families, but I can support me.  And plans are made where neither of our kids will be bothered with me if I get in the position of other family members. We all know now that dying is not cheap.  This is reality, and it has smacked each one of us upside the head.  Some of our fairy tale existences have become a raw reality show.  I hate reality shows. 

[iheartm]

I am sitting at home right now once again thinking, "So this is it? I get to sit here and live on, doing what exactly?" I have no interest in picking up new habits and our old habits were being homebodies. Now there's no one to talk to, hang out with or anything. So I continue my old life but with a huge hole in it. What's the alternative? Becoming another person? I can't do that.

I decided that this weekend would be the time that I went through some of his things and throw out some things that obviously could be thrown out. I got as far as sifting through them, then I put everything back and abandoned that plan. Then I began once again wondering what the hell am I going to do?

[Guest]

Steve,

I so thoroughly enjoy how you speak of Kat.  What a remarkable woman she must be to inspire that kind of love.

[KATPILOT]

iheartm , actually you ARE another person or as I used to call it, half a person. No matter what, we became something else when they died. We began from that day forward to morph into a new person changing all the time even if you can't tell day from day. Over the years you will recognize that change. And yes perhaps it's better to let the change come on it's own rather than to try becoming that other person. I think in time we find some purpose. I wish I could tell you what it is but I can't. I can tell you that we have all gone through things trying to sort it out and I believe it doesn't matter how fast you do it. Not much need to rush right?  I remember going through Kathy's dresser drawer soon after she left. It tore me up just to see the earrings, bracelets, necklaces, and such. So many memories, all with tears attached, but like you, I just put it all back. Over the years, my granddaughters discovered the drawer and they began to pull stuff out. They would put things on and giggle with each other. I smiled and thought to myself how it made sense. I realized how great it was to have Kathy be the source of their glee. Everything happens for a reason as my wife used to say.

I can't remember how recent your loss is but I think it's much more recent than mine. Having said that, let me suggest that you needn't worry about what you're going to do. Things will work out in time.

You have that right Brad and I hear it from you speaking of your bride as well.

[mittam99]

4 hours ago, iheartm said:

Then I began once again wondering what the hell am I going to do?

It truly is a one day at a time plan. Thinking ahead too far and imagining this life 2 or 5 or 10 or 20 years ahead is maddening and downright scary!

As hours turn to days and days to weeks and weeks to months... somehow we learn to "hang in there" and adapt in some way to the new life. For example, a few months ago I couldn't even write or say that Tammy died. The pain and finality of that was too much for me to bear. I would say Tammy "passed away" or "went to heaven". So, in some small way I am changing and adapting. It's a very gradual thing. I don't think any of us will wake up one day and say "wow, the sadness has lifted, I'm no longer grieving, life is wonderful".

Somehow, some way we do survive and we do function. It will never be the same, of course. It can't be. We lost our one and only ... our everything.

But, I know my Tammy is here with me in some way. I know she wants me to try to live my life the best I can.

It's not easy. At times it hurts so bad that we question our reason for being here. We ache to our core for our loved one.

All we can do is get up in the morning and do the best we can do. We'll have good days (good being a relative term), bad days and  the in-between days. Yes, life is not the same. The love, the fun, the sharing, the happiness all seem like ancient history at times.

Remember, we are the special few. We are the ones who found our soul mate. Most people never get to experience that. The downside? Incredibly painful, prolonged and profound grief.

 

[Gin]

Mitch,. Yes, we found our soul mates!  Al and I were widowed and got married to each other when I was 61 and he was 65.  We were so grateful and blessed that we found each other.  We were always together, went on trips, concerts and many, many plays.  We weathered his quintuple bypass, artificial arteries, COPD, diabetes, and much more.  We thought we were really doing great until all of a sudden it came to a screeching halt.  We spent 16 years adoring each other.  Nothing could ever come close.  People tell me to remember the good times.  Of course,  but they do not realize how sad that makes me feel that I will never have that again. We just have to make the best of what we have.

[mittam99]

Gin, this pretty much sums up our grief journey...

Sometimes though, it surely feels like we're swimming in very rough waters and against the tide.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, scba said:

I don't want to die because I don't want my family to suffer, but...I don't want to live 40 years without my soul mate. How that will be possible?

It's really interesting this topic came up again.  I was thinking about this yesterday and just what it is that is the biggest fear for me.  I don't think it is dying, tho I can't say that doesn't elicit fear.  I realized when I do, I will die alone.  With no family or close friends it means no familiar face to see in the end.  There is no guarantee it will happen that way, I was not there when Steve died but was on my way.  But I had been there for weeks before to see him.  It's the thought that no one would even know I did if something happened at home.  Or being in some facility with caregivers.  It's so hard living without him and now the thought I will leave without seeing him.

5 hours ago, iheartm said:

I I decided that this weekend would be the time that I went through some of his things and throw out some things that obviously could be thrown out. I got as far as sifting through them, then I put everything back and abandoned that plan. Then I began once again wondering what the hell am I going to do?

I did that too.  Got rid of obvious medical things right away and his clothes to a mission.  His dresser is full of things that are of no use anymore and I thought I would do that at some point.  Months went by and now I don't care.  The stuff can sit there forever.  It's not worth the pain.  I don't need the space.  I've changed enough things around to look for things that are inconsequential.  The very fact HE is missing is hard enough without tackling tangibles that will only tear me up inside.  

What to do?  I ask myself that every single day.

[iheartm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

II don't think it is dying, tho I can't say that doesn't elicit fear.  I realized when I do, I will die alone.  With no family or close friends it means no familiar face to see in the end.  There is no guarantee it will happen that way, I was not there when Steve died but was on my way.  But I had been there for weeks before to see him.  It's the thought that no one would even know I did if something happened at home.  Or being in some facility with caregivers.  It's so hard living without him and now the thought I will leave without seeing him.

 

I have close friends but they have their own lives and families. The idea of burdening them with my troubles is not appealing. Granted, if I needed help with something at home or whatever, of course I would ask them, but this is life we're talking about here. Friends should not have to shoulder the burden of watching out for me to the degree that M would have. So I worry because with no family I am all alone. Flying solo through the madness with nothing to take his place. I don't feel like doing anything. I have no one to talk about stuff with: the news, the crazy weather we are having, how things are going at work, some funny thing I saw today. Nothing. It is all gone. Again, I can talk to friends but it's not the same. It just isn't.

This board is my only outlet. People here understand and don't offer suggestions to not think about it, or try to move on, or find a hobby, or tell me they know what I'm going through when they have not a clue. 

[hollowheart]

9 hours ago, iheartm said:

I am sitting at home right now once again thinking, "So this is it? I get to sit here and live on, doing what exactly?" I have no interest in picking up new habits and our old habits were being homebodies. Now there's no one to talk to, hang out with or anything. So I continue my old life but with a huge hole in it. What's the alternative? Becoming another person? I can't do that.

I decided that this weekend would be the time that I went through some of his things and throw out some things that obviously could be thrown out. I got as far as sifting through them, then I put everything back and abandoned that plan. Then I began once again wondering what the hell am I going to do?

This is how I think often. I tell my therapist this all the time and she continually suggest volunteering and meet up groups. Now I have done meet ups before, mist were fine. And I hate to be mean and rude but sometimes I think "volunteering is not going to help this." I hate there bring no solution to my pain except volunteering. Really? I mean, I get it. We must keep going. But sometimes I can't stand hearing those suggestions. I want to do what I want with my sister, not try to get along with strangers. I hate that is all I have left. 

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, iheartm said:

This board is my only outlet. People here understand and don't offer suggestions to not think about it, or try to move on, or find a hobby, or tell me they know what I'm going through when they have not a clue. 

It's sad, isn't it?  That we often or just cant talk to those we know in the living world.  I've been trying for 16 months and now barely mention it.  Sometimes I have wondered if being as dependent as I am on this place is good or bad.  I've checked the good box because I cannot even imagine feeling what I do and not knowing someone else does too.  I'm still physically alone, but I know that out there are others doing the same as I do.  Put in the face the world face and taking it off when they get home.

[scba]

43 minutes ago, hollowheart said:

This is how I think often. I tell my therapist this all the time and she I have done meet ups before, mist were fine. And I hate to be mean and rude but sometimes I think "volunteering is not going to help this." I hate there bring no solution to my pain except volunteering. Really? I mean, I get it. We must keep going. But sometimes I can't stand hearing those suggestions. I want to do what I want with my sister, not try to get along with strangers. I hate that is all I have left. 

Dear HH, I tell you my experience with volunteer. I had volunteer in a cultural center for seniors, people from 50 yo and more. They offered workshops such as knitting, embroidery, dance, languages, computing. My task was to put chairs and tables in order. Nothing Interesting, but there was no need to interact. I did this to help a friend who runs one of this workshops and needed assistance on site. The words I uttered were "hello" "good day". Within weeks, these ladies asked for my name, where did I live, and they always offered a smile, which I didn't return, but they still smiled at me and said hello and goodbye. With months, I ended up having nice conversations about every day stuff. And they always thanked me for conversation. All in all, and a year later, it did me well , it has not changed my grief, but it helped me to understand there was still a piece ofmy old self somewhere. 

[mittam99]

21 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

It's sad, isn't it?  That we often or just cant talk to those we know in the living world.  I've been trying for 16 months and now barely mention it.  

People in our lives think they understand or can imagine what losing a soul mate might feel like. And those people do mean well, with their suggestions and ideas, no doubt. But, unless they've lived your life through your eyes and with your heart they truly and absolutely have no clue. None. It's all just babble. Well intentioned as it may be.

[kayc]

I agree about the volunteering.  I volunteer at the Senior Site, I set up the Bingo table & prizes & take it down, it requires some lifting, which I can do, and the others can't.  I have gotten so much out of this, it is now the highlight of my week!

I also volunteer at my church, doing the Treasurer job.  Although it's more like work and less like fun, at least it keeps my skills current and gives me some sense of purpose, as well as a way of giving back to my church, along with being on the Praise Team & choirs. 

You can't know until you try it, but please consider volunteering! Anything from walking dogs to holding babies in hospitals...there are so many needs.  Our newspaper posts needs for volunteers periodically, you might call your local paper and ask if they post them.

[Gwenivere]

HH, I'll just throw my 2 cents in too.  Just for consideration.  I have been volunteering at a nursing home for 22 years.  I planned to it for about a year after my mother died because I saw how much they helped her and I wanted to pay it back as I lived in another state.  It was hard at first, but I kept reminding myself I was doing this as much for myself as for her.  I had the time and wanted to help in some small way.  As it turned out, decades have passed, I am still there and many times when I leave I wonder who got more out of it....them or me?  It's truly not enough heal what we lost, but it can make my day to have so many people greet me by name and happy to see me.  Days I have missed they notice.  It's no fix to what we are dealing with, but connecting with the world just a little bit without the expectations of friends and the clueless we run into helps.  Many times now I drive home crying because I still have the loneliness waiting for me.  But for a little bit I was alive.

Certainly a personal decision.  If it doesn't feel right, then don't.  Hope you don't feel we are pressuring you.  Just offering our experiences.  

[Margm]

@Gwen, you have my utmost admiration for your post.  It takes a special person to do this.

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Marg.   That means a lot to me.  Kay and Ana get kudos too!  

[Margm]

I have something funny to tell about the volunteering and my mom.  There is a book that describes my mom's life, and "condition."  I will explain my mom's life here.  She was not without talents, but she had raw language and a tongue that could slice a person's vital parts off.  The book is I Hate You, Please Don't Leave Me".. She has borderline personality disorder.  When my dad passed away, she found herself with time on her hands.  This is a "working hard" woman.  She still (Alzheimer's) remembers having to quit her wonderful job to take care of my terminally ill dad, and she still resents him for it. And he is long gone.  When he passed, my mom said he had a smile on his face.  My son said it was because he was so glad to escape.  What I am getting at is, her work ethic was to get paid for "work."  If she was born in this time, she would have been CEO of some company with 2-3 PhD's, no husband and certainly no kids..  I mentioned volunteering to her.  Her words were "WHAT!!!! WORK FOR FREE?"   Her mind turned to money.  Sometimes she saved $500 a month, half of her pension.  All of her savings went to schools for my sister.  Two years ago she went into rehab from a fall.  She is still waiting for them to pay her for those two month's "work."  

So ladies, all of you that volunteer, my hat is off to you all for your gift of time to all of these things.  And, the one who added that extra Saturday that was not appreciated, you need to go to the person in charge and let them know how you were treated.  No volunteer should be treated bad.

My sister teaches at a predominantly black college.  She is the least racist person I know. Her students are her kids and she loves them all. But she put our mom in a predominantly black nursing home for rehab.  People in their 80's and 90's are racist, black or white.  My mom was laughed at and treated bad.  She tried to whip the black woman in the other bed for her and her visitors laughing at her.  Sometimes education does not make you smart.  

But saying you derive more from volunteering than you give, then in my estimation, you are going to have stars in your crown, (and that is my opinion, and mine alone).  

This does not belong in this thread, but it follows volunteering.

[mittam99]

Well, Spring is here. The sun is shining, birds are chirping and the grass is starting to grow. Flowers will be blooming soon. Yet, somehow it still seems as bleak as the coldest, grayest winter day. Grief seems to put a dark cloud over everything. How will we ever truly see the joy in this world again?

[iPraiseHim]

I have had a rough emotional day today as well. I don't know why other than it's Monday, the day of the week my wife died.Some days just look bleak.  Sometimes the harsh reality of loss just numbs my soul.  Even the worst day when my wife was alive was so much better than after her death.  Okay! Now this crying is giving me a headache. It's hard to perceive joy amidst the ashes of our remaining life.  Shalom