It hurts so bad

[kayc]

My husband would still be with me today had the doctor sent him to a cardiologist when he first complained of tightness of the chest, chest pains, etc., esp. with his family history, which the doctor had.  It wasn't about money or the drug companies, it was about the doctor's pride, thinking HE could be the expert and not sending him on to the real expert.  It cost me my love, my life.

[TerriL]

Mitch, George and Kay: I am stunned. Truly. I'm hurting for you as I read about the nightmares you've gone through with your loved ones. Yes, there are some brilliant medical personnel out there and when you find them, you keep them and appreciate them like the rare precious stones that they are. Our dermatologist is one of those people and a dentist I used to have a long time ago, but who moved his practice from my area was another one. I only wish every doctor or dentist I encountered were like those two. When I canceled (upon his passing) Paul's dermatologist appointment he had pre-scheduled months before, our doctor was out of town. But, a week later, on a Sunday night, I received a call and it was our dermatologist, calling on his own personal cell phone, expressing his shock and giving his condolences to me. He had returned from his vacation, gone in to his office on Sunday morning to get things ready for the following day and happened to see the note they left about Paul. He had only seen my husband about a month before and the news just blew him away. (I know that feeling, Doc.) The doctor also said that if I needed anything, I should not hesitate to call him. Now THAT is something you do not experience every day. I already knew he was one of the good ones, but that just cemented it for me. 

I am with George in that I prefer finding natural ways to treat and prevent rather than just automatically downing a bunch of drugs. After all, many drugs are derived from plants, herbs, etc., in nature and the Chinese have been using herbs for thousands of years. Add to that the fact that the body comes with its own ability to heal itself and reestablish balance, when it's working properly. I once heard someone say that Western medicine is the go-to for trauma or people in acute distress, like a stroke or heart attack, but it still has so much to learn about preventive medicine and treating the whole person, mind, body and soul. This is yet another bone of contention between me and my sister. She's worked for our local hospital system for over 40 years and continues to work there. She always defends the doctors and medical community and boasts about being "surrounded by science" all day long. I'm a huge fan of science myself, but feel that doctors are dealing with human beings and therefore, instead of looking at them as "scientific case studies", they should look at them as the unique individuals they are and treat them accordingly. No two individuals will respond the same way to the same treatment. I had to listen to my sister explain "hospital protocol" the whole time I was dealing with Paul's situation, explaining the social worker telling me about how people need beds in the ICU. That's where Paul was when I was told about the bed situation. After the failed surgery, he had been placed in ICU. 

I have a close friend who has been living with lupus since her teen years. She is now 57 and still struggling with it. She has been dealing with the same doctor for so many years, never really getting any better and finally, after becoming fed up, she discovered a holistic doctor in her area who saw her, ran many tests and was appalled at the drug protocol that this other physician had her on. Drugs that interact with each other, one drug that she was showing an allergy to, etc. Just a mess. I am praying and hoping for her to finally find the relief and help that she has been seeking so desperately. She is just the sweetest, kindest person, too. She has been thinking of me and what I've been dealing with at the same time she's been going through all her own medical battles. There ARE angels on Earth. But, we commiserate constantly on the state of the medical establishment in this country. 

 

[hollowheart]

I do agree with you guys about doctors. I had a doctor that I believe didn't like fat people. I have always been overweight and struggling with it. If I said the word "overweight" she was quick to say "OBESE" with a look like 'well, you are more than just overweight!" No matter what I went in for she'd corner me about losing weight and joining the weight loss group thing they had at the hospital, she'd basically bully me into agreeing to sign up. She made me feel awful about myself. She also constantly scheduled return appointments (for the money) just to check my weight. I was tired of taking off work and spending the co-pay.

My new doctor mentions my weight  but made me feel inspired to lose weight and she always praised me and was so happy when I lost some. It was like night and day.

I do blame my sisters doctors to a degree, although I have to blame myself for not calling an ambulance because no one could help her if I didn't alert any medical personnel so that was my fault. But they didn't help by constantly rescheduling her appointments. The weekend she went downhill she had an appointment on Monday--that had been rescheduled. She got sick on Sunday and it would have been perfect that she needed to see a doctor the very next day. But nope! 

I'm just so utterly devastated we didn't just go to the ER. I can't forgive myself for that.  I just know she would be here today. I know she would still be running back and forth to heart doctors, but at least she'd be here and alive.

[Margm]

@HH: When the doc's dictated, they would not call it obese, they would always say "morbidly obese."  Personally, I preferred the word "fluffy" and had I been ready to retire, I would have put "fluffy."

[kayc]

HH,

I'd write a letter to the old doctor and tell her why you switched...how it made you feel about yourself, and that with the new doctor's encouragement instead of his berating you, you are, in fact, doing better.  We are more than our weight!  It makes me mad!  We aren't all on the same even footing with regards to our losing/gaining weight.  Genetics play a part in an inability to lose or gain weight.  Sometimes medical conditions or medicine causes weight gain.  We aren't all playing with the same deck of cards so how can someone judge you by your weight!  And for her to try to glean copays out of you for it, that just angers me worse!  Sorry,but this struck a raw nerve with me!!

I'm so glad you're no longer going to her, good for you!

[mittam99]

I think there is truth to doctors and medical personnel looking at overweight patients differently. Tammy struggled with her weight but it wasn't that she ate so much, the steroids she needed caused a lot of extra weight gain. Before the lupus and twice a day Prednisone, she was very thin. 

It would irk me when nurses would compliment Tammy on her petite hands and feet. I think they were looking at her as an overweight person and they were surprised she had all those "small" features. She was really a very small boned person. Matter of fact, they sometimes had to use a children's blood pressure cuff on her to get a reading. Tammy was 5'-2" of pure perfection to me!

 

[Froggie4635]

Mitch,

One of the reasons I LOVE watching Mike & Molly is that when she doubts herself, he says to her, "but you're perfect".  That is how Mark looked at me. Every time I see an episode and I see him tell her that, it hurts a little because I miss having Mark here.

[kayc]

Mitch, I never had a weight problem until I went on Prednisone.  In fact, when I had my kids my weight returned within 1 1/2 lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight without any dieting.  Can't blame it on them!  But once you have the fat cells, they're more readily filled up even in you lose the weight, that's one reason people yo-yo or can't seem to get the weight off.  Plus it screws with your metabolism.  I used to be a Prism Weight Loss Director, and learned a lot about weight then.  Getting older affects it too.  As women hit menopause they get an extra cushioning, it's supposed to help you through it.  And we wonder why we struggle, God built this in to us!  

I understand doctors talking to their patients about their weight, but they shouldn't judge them or look down on them for it or try to squeeze more $ out of them for it!

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

@HH: When the doc's dictated, they would not call it obese, they would always say "morbidly obese."  Personally, I preferred the word "fluffy" and had I been ready to retire, I would have put "fluffy."

Ahahahah! Love it. I think she liked saying 'obese' because it sounds so much worse than just saying overweight. I always hated the look she gave me that 'you're kidding yourself' look. I think I was about 235 or 240 at the time. Which is big, but you'd think I should be on "My 600 pound life" the way she made me feel.

1 hour ago, kayc said:

HH,

I'd write a letter to the old doctor and tell her why you switched...how it made you feel about yourself, and that with the new doctor's encouragement instead of his berating you, you are, in fact, doing better.  We are more than our weight!  It makes me mad!  We aren't all on the same even footing with regards to our losing/gaining weight.  Genetics play a part in an inability to lose or gain weight.  Sometimes medical conditions or medicine causes weight gain.  We aren't all playing with the same deck of cards so how can someone judge you by your weight!  And for her to try to glean copays out of you for it, that just angers me worse!  Sorry,but this struck a raw nerve with me!!

I'm so glad you're no longer going to her, good for you!

You are right about all of that. I really couldn't stand how she'd force me to sign up for the weight loss stuff, she'd just keep going "Why won't you sign up today? Why not?" It's like I couldn't leave until I agreed.  I remember she told me she was going to leave a form at the front desk for me. So, I gotta take off early to come back to pick up a form that I didn't want in the first place!? Oh, and when I got my new (lovely, lovely!) doctor, I ran into her  in the elevator at the hospital and it was like running into an ex boyfriend or something, lol. She asked me who was my new doctor and I always regret telling her. I should have been like 'why the f*** do you wanna know? It's not YOU' She was so peeved looking, lolol. Also, she was  my sister's doctor (so maybe that is saying something) but she never complained about her so I guess it was just me.

 

[Margm]

The doc who saved my life was sorta like Alex in Grey's Anatomy.  He had to be sent for anger management.  I loved him.

[Guest Janka]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

My husband would still be with me today had the doctor sent him to a cardiologist when he first complained of tightness of the chest, chest pains, etc., esp. with his family history, which the doctor had.  It wasn't about money or the drug companies, it was about the doctor's pride, thinking HE could be the expert and not sending him on to the real expert.  It cost me my love, my life.

I know what you´re talking about,Kay...You know my story...Nothing can bring my beloved Jan back...It happened because the most of the good doctors there were on the strike for the higher salaries then...and there remained just a doctors who did absolutely fatal error...If I would have known what they´re gonna do to him...but I shouldn´t have known because his brother called me up too late...3 days later!!! I don´t talk with his family anymore...They killed us both! It was a decision of his family!!! This is not life without him! It still brings the tears into my eyes...now too! My mother is a nurse...nurse!!! And yet she didn´t care...My and his family broke my heart...they ruined my life...made my world flooding...And yet I pray for them...What else can I do??? Oh,my God...My faith saved my life!

I´m sorry,Kay,for what they have done to you!

Hugs from Janka

[Guest Janka]

PS: Now the doctors are gonna go on the strike again...for the higher salaries again ! How many people must die,at the mercy of them,until they will be satisfied ??? Everything because of those dirty money !!!

Janka

[Guest Janka]

PS2: They have made the money business...Where is their medical vow now ??? It´s their mission! How long will the people destroy this beautiful planet ? God is incredibly merciful to stand it and forgive them all...Where would we be without him? I love God !

Janka

[scba]

Janka, I can't believe you heard of Jan's passing three days later because his family hasn't called you. I don't know how you went on with so much pain. But you did with your faith and that is what you must keep close to you.

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, scba said:

Janka, I can't believe you heard of Jan's passing three days later because his family hasn't called you. 

Yes, that is absolutely awful. Janka, why in the world would family members do that to you? It's mind boggling. Unimaginable, really.

[Guest Janka]

31 minutes ago, scba said:

Janka, I can't believe you heard of Jan's passing three days later because his family hasn't called you. I don't know how you went on with so much pain. But you did with your faith and that is what you must keep close to you.

Thank you for your kind words!

          

                    Janka

[Guest Janka]

20 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Yes, that is absolutely awful. Janka, why in the world would family members do that to you? It's mind boggling.

It´s very simple,Mitch.His 4 adult children influenced by his first wife didn´t want him to be happy after the long and unhappy marriage that he had ended up to be with me.That´s all.It was just his brother who accepted it,because he had never seen my beloved Jan so happy before,but I was only tolerated.We were the happiest in the world.Some of people are very bad...the worse than animals...but we must forgive them...we must do it...I did!

Janka

[mittam99]

18 minutes ago, Janka said:

Some of people are very bad...the worse than animals...but we must forgive them...we must do it...I did!

Janka

I thought this was appropriate...

 

[Guest Janka]

It´s very beautiful,Mitch!

I saved this for keeps.

Thank you!

Janka

[kayc]

Mitch, I totally agree with that assessment of forgiveness, and I've had plenty of practice!

[Gwenivere]

I have always heard that jig forgiving someone only takes it toll on us.  After some of the things that have happened since Steve left, I find that to be true.   My plate is full enough trying to adapt to the reality of his loss to worry about inconsiderate things said or done by equally inconsiderate people.  They pass thru my mind no and then, but I let them keep passing til out of sight.  

[mittam99]

Dear grief healing members,

Grief is hard enough without being this way but I've always been one to worry and over-analyze almost everything. I loved Tammy with all my heart but like all couples we had the occasional disagreement. And we both tended to say stupid things to each other we didn't really mean during those disagreements. Of course, we always kissed and made up and apologized.

I think about those moments a lot now and it upsets me that they ever happened. Often they were disagreements about something Katie did (or didn't do). I feel so guilty for any hurtful things I might have said. I know I'm human but I am so sorry I had moments like that. I find myself asking Tammy for forgiveness all the time.

In some weird way am I trying to punish myself? Do I do this because I feel like I let Tammy down when I wasn't able to save her? 

Why do I beat myself up like this?

Signed,

Mixed up in Maryland

[Margm]

Mitch, I am definitely no expert in anything but memory loss.  I will say when the grief gets so bad, I purposely think of bad times, bad things he did, to keep from thinking about the missing the real him that hurts to remember.  Kind of like using Neosporin and a Band-Aid to fix an amputation.   Nothing helps.  Time might go a long way to healing, but we will never grow back that missing appendage, and I think (IMHO) we will always suffer the phantom pain.  Many years, many mistakes, but we had enough time that we both actually forgave each other's mistakes.  Was he perfect, no he wasn't.  Was I perfect, definitely not.  But we were perfect for each other.  Today my grief is a strange numbness.  The phantom pain will return.  I know I am treading water right now.  No pun to Louisiana's flooding.  But I cannot swim.  (No physical danger) but lots of mental danger).  My heart is with us all and our grief struggles.

My job for 43 years involved punctuation and spelling the easiest and most difficult words.  No problem.  Since Billy left, I cannot spell my name.  We have all lost the biggest part of our life.  We have lost our arms, our legs, our heads, for sure our hearts.   I wish some sort of peace for all of us.  

[Gin]

Mitch,. I have a terrible problem with guilt.  Al depended on me so much, especially the last few months.  He was completely blind during this time.  I did not realize that the end was so near.  One evening he wanted me to just sit next to him.  I wanted to go lay down so I did not sit with him.  Why, oh why!!  I stayed with him in the hospital for the last 2 weeks.  For 3 days I had a cot, instead of just a chair.  He wanted to hold my hand and I could not reach him.  Why did I not move the furniture?  What was wrong with me?  I still think that I should have reported something that I missed.  I feel I let him down big time.  I told our doctor and he said I was being ridiculous!  He said I extended his life for several years.  That did not help.  Nothing anyone says takes away the guilt.  So Mitch, you are not alone.  We know that Tammy and Al forgive us.  We just want what we had so, so much.

[kayc]

I don't know why you're thinking about it so much, but we tend to wish we could rewrite history so everything would be perfect...only none of us can go back and do that, including Tammy.  I'm sure they have the same wishes and regrets we all do, but the life we lived together has been done and it was still pretty darn special, warts and all!