It hurts so bad

[brat#2]

Mitch, I have been thinking of you today and know how hard it must be.  It does seem that time just goes by so fast, but yet at the same time, it seems so slow.  I know how much you love and miss Tammy and hope you can find some peace today.  I know what it is like not having much support and I'm glad you find comfort here and that we can give you some comfort.  Hugs

 

Joyce

[kayc]

Mitch,

I join Joyce in what she's saying to you.  I know today is tough, every day is tough without Tammy in it, but somehow it seems extra hard when it's the anv. of death.  It brings everything back in vivid widescreen.  I'm glad you worked today, if nothing else, it killed some hours.  My wish for you today or sometime in the near future, that you can think of good memories without it hurting so bad inside.  Eventually it gets there.

I'm also glad you feel support here, that is the whole purpose of this place...that and learning throughout this journey.

Peace & hugs,

Kay

[MartyT]

We're all thinking of you and your beloved Tammy on this special day of remembrance, dear Mitch,
as we wish for peace and healing to your broken heart  ♥

[Cookie]

TerriL:  I know just what you're saying.  I used to love to cook, but cook for us.  I have lost interest, but am making myself go through the motions so I don't drop off eating altogether.  I also know what you are saying about acting upbeat so you won't push people away.  I also do that because I'm already so lonely and need some contact and people around me, and let's face it, most people who have not had this happen to them just don't get it no matter how you explain it.  Yes, this sucks.  I do have a friend who lost her husband 2 years and 2 months ago and she told me that for the first time since he died she had a fond memory of him that made her smile and not feel sad.  That was hopeful I thought.  Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel, even though it could be a long tunnel.  Warmly, Cookie

[Gwenivere]

Cookie, I know I was dismayed when at first I heard it took a year.  Then that passed and it got harder.  Ground that was not abnormal.  Then someone said it was the 3rd year they began the actual healing.  So these dates just kept being pushed out and I wondered.....will I make it?   Dates are arbitrary, we are all so different yet dealing with the same issues.  I'm having a semi rational moment right now (enjoying the heck out if it too) and see thru the fog that however long it takes for me, it will.  While discouraging at times to read how long people suffer, there is a solace that none of us have to fit any mold and feel there is something wrong with us if we don't.  

Ugh, the cooking thing.  I am slowly getting thru stuff that was bought for actual cooked meals and replacing things I can easily zap in the microwave.  I'm so done most of the time now going thru the motions to eat alone and then clean up.  Every now and then.  Presents a challenge finding healthy food, but the less time I spend sitting alone staring out the window just to fill a sustenance need, the better.  This way I can move back to the living room and feel alone there.  . Kevin had said that the grief was 10 times more than ever imagined.  He nailed it!

[TerriL]

Mitch, 

You're so right about the feelings and how fast time can fly, even though, on a day to day basis, time can also seem to plod along so achingly. In mid-April, it will be the six month mark since my wonderful husband passed away so suddenly, with no warning. A half a year? It doesn't seem possible that he has been gone that long, because the longest time we've ever been apart in 34 years was maybe two and a half weeks, when he visited his ailing father in New Jersey. And even then, at least we could speak on the phone, text or send pictures to each other to share what was happening where we each were. I'm with you, it astonishes me that I am still here, almost five months later. Holding on, but still so scared. 

I admire your going to work to keep yourself busy. It doesn't completely stop the pain, but it at least makes you feel as if you accomplished something. I've done that, too. I'll try to get something done that I've been letting slide, thinking that I can let another day go by just sitting and crying or I can say at the end of the day, "the pain is still there, but I am proud that I managed to get one more thing done to make Paul proud of me". If I feel I can't do it just for myself, then I do it for Paul. He was meticulous about everything he did, especially the finances. And I don't want to screw up everything he worked so hard for. I prove to him that all his worry and work were not in vain. And so I go on and get it done and in my heart, I hear him say, "Thank you. I love you for trying so hard. You can do this." 

 

That's all any of us can do. Just try our best with what we've got. 

[Cookie]

Mitch:  My heart goes out to you.  It's been 8 1/2 months for me and it is pretty horrible, but I have heard that a year is still not that long and sometimes it can take 2-4 years to work through your grief, so don't despair.  I'm trying not to.  I don't think that means you're on top of the world, but it may mean less intense pain and more possibility for some peace.  Hugs to you, Cookie

[Cookie]

TerriL:  I am so sorry your sister is clueless.  I also have a sister similar to that.  She is weary of my grief.  It really hurts because you kind of expect family to care no matter what.  It's been 8 1/2 months for me and I'm still reeling with grief.  Four months is very new.  Of course you are struggling.....your sister doesn't get it like a lot of people and won't until it happens to them, unfortunately.  It just wears me out and feels so bad talking to people like that.  I so feel for you.  This hurts and it hurts bad, and I am giving you a virtual hug.  Take care, Cookie

[TerriL]

Cookie, I also make attempts to cook and I hired a grocery delivery service since there are days I have a hard time driving due to my increased anxiety. Sometimes just the thought of having to get dressed, get in the car, drive to the store, shop for groceries and then have to stand in line to pay for them and drive back home is overwhelming to me. I get exhausted just thinking about it, so I gave to work at scrounging something up with the bare bones in my cupboard. I ran out of eggs once and got so desperate, I was contemplating how to make scrambled eggs from some old frozen breakfast sandwiches I found in the freezer. Ha! But, they're basically cooked already, so I just heated up one of them and had it for breakfast. A friend of mine got so worried about me, she sent me a link to a grocery delivery service. They shop for you at your favorite local store and then bring the groceries to you. I felt like a failure at first and it took me a while to sign up for that reason, but she convinced me that there isn't any shame in doing what you need to do in order to take care of yourself. She said that down the road, I may be able to take over the grocery shopping again, but for now, I need to eat to stay healthy. She was right, of course.

I have been surprised that I have been able to relive some of the most wonderful memories of Paul. I was miserable almost all of January, anticipating the 34th anniversary of our first date we ever had. It was when we realized we had that special connection that went far beyond friendship. I was listening to all of the songs that were popular at the time of that date and the one in particular that was "our song" and sobbing relentlessly. But, on the actual day, January 25th (and on a Monday again, no less, just like the original date), I felt so good, so uplifted. It was almost as if I could feel him with me and I ended up having a good day. At night, I relived the entire date in my memory, watching the clock and remembering what we were doing at that time---when he picked me up, when we ate dinner, etc. And finally it got to the time where he kissed me good night and we just knew. We knew we were right for each other. It was magical for me to relive that. I wish he was here right now though. We still had so many more memories to make together and it just isn't fair. 

 

Thank goodness I found this forum, because I needed to talk with people who understand me. I can sit and share at a time when going somewhere to share would not be easy for me. Plus, I feel supported and I hope I can return that support to all of you who are so generous in spite of your own pain. 

[Gin]

I feel so alone in all this pain.  My friends are sick of my grief.  My niece has been very good, but as soon as I mention how much I miss Al, she texts me one of thse little sad faces.  No words.  It is too bad that they all do not understand?  at all.

[TerriL]

TH and Gin, I wish for us all to find some relief and inner peace from the pain and suffering. Gin. my niece has been pretty good to me, as well. She came over today, in fact, bringing her five year old son with her (she's pregnant again also, with a girl). It's actually hard for me to talk about Paul with her because my great nephew wants to play with his Auntie Terri, but I tell him about his Uncle Paul loving him so he will continue to remember him. I laughed today, playing with that little boy. It felt good. 

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, TH said:

Mitch, I just want to say I am thinking of you and have always been so touched by the way you talk about Tammy. She was obviously so special.

Thank you for saying that. If I could, I'd go up to the highest mountain and cry out for all the world to hear about Tammy. She was everything to me. She was such a sweet soul. I was the luckiest man in the world. She may be gone in one sense, but I will make sure this world will never forget her.

-----------------------------------------

On the subject of others dealing with our grief...

I find that the people I deal with (mostly co-workers and relatives) just aren't equipped to deal with someone else's grief. I'm sure this has happened to you...

Someone asks you "how you're doing" and if you go beyond the basic "I'm hanging in, doing the best I can" and  start going into more detail, their eyes sort of glaze over. I think it's a combination of not knowing what to say and their preconceived notion of how long your grief should last. I've also learned to just sort of grin and bear the silly things people sometimes say to me. I know this is my grief journey and just like Frank Sinatra said, I'm doing it, my way.

[MartyT]

Sharing: In Grief: Responding to "How Are You?"   ♥

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, Gin said:

I feel so alone in all this pain.  My friends are sick of my grief.  My niece has been very good, but as soon as I mention how much I miss Al, she texts me one of thse little sad faces.  No words.  It is too bad that they all do not understand?  at all.

Question is.....could they handle it?  I sure found out I wasn't the warrior I thought I was.  

[kevin]

Brad said if you want Fair something about a blue ribbon and a Pig......My fear was my poor Angela was going to be left alone since I was the high risk part of the duo. Plans were in place for my demise(which are still a few years down the road I hope)......New plans.......Fast forward to the present, and I know I sound like a broken record, I live for today, do something of substance everyday, and I  plan on loving again, and unfortunately, possibly go through this Grief cycle again......I know we all go about this differently and our circumstances vary, and getting back with the living is working for me.........next month Karaoke.....

[kayc]

Good luck with finding someone worthy of your love, Kevin.  Wish I could be a fly on the wall with your Karaoke!!

[Guest]

Kevin =

You are a much braver man than I.  Karaoke is not on my bucket list anywhere.

The phrase I would tell my students and kids when they complained about it not being fair.  "Fair is a place you take a pig to win a ribbon."  I also used to say that if life were fair I'd look like Brad Pitt and sing like Willie Nelson, not the other way around.

 

I do like your drive to join the living.  I'm working in that direction but still prefer being by myself.  

[hollowheart]

15 hours ago, Gin said:

I feel so alone in all this pain.  My friends are sick of my grief.  My niece has been very good, but as soon as I mention how much I miss Al, she texts me one of thse little sad faces.  No words.  It is too bad that they all do not understand?  at all.

I had to reply to this because my friend did the same thing when we were texting and for some reason it made me feel even more alone and mad. It just felt so disconnected and cold to just have a sad emoji in place of an actual conversation or words of understanding. Whatever. That's why I'm done with all my friends except one. 

She wanted me to reach out to the others and I did and I feel like I did my part, I let them know I would like to hang out again, but I'm not chasing people down. If they do contact me I would probably ignore them out of spite.  At times I feel it's better on my own because when I'm feeling down I don't feel like I can truthfully say why I'm sad, people get all funny about it. According so most people, losing a sibling is not that big a deal anyway, so I should be over it already.

[Margm]

@Kevin.  I was the high risk part of our duo also. Before my cousin passed away he told me that hospice had told him to go upstairs to his bed and die.  I doubt they put it in those words.  He said "I'm not ready to go yet."  But eventually, he did go.  Maybe not with their time frame.  His daughter has fought a brain tumor for years and years, but now the fight is almost over.  His young son-in-law passed away last week from melanoma.  He was in his early 40s..  His dad had fought cancer twice in two different places, two different cancers.  When I was transcribing all the hospital records, one woman had fought five different cancers.  To some much is given, to others, too much is given and taken away.  Good luck with your foray into the real world.  You are brave.  I think Billy was prepared for my demise, I was not prepared for his.  And, I would not let him face it in my presence.  We were going to have another miracle.  Headed back to Louisiana this morning.

[mittam99]

Well, I'm on the first day of year two (how is that possible!?) without my Tammy. It doesn't feel any different.

I think all of us are in "one day at a time mode" from here on out.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch,

I also had this strange feeling that I would feel different once a year had passed, but it was still the same hurt, the same fog, the same missing him.  One day at a time is about all I allow myself.  I am at 15 months...still no relief.  I try more now to do things outside my little bubble, but not much.  Mark and I were not very out-going people, and before I met him, I didn't do much beyond going to work, or spend some time with friends.  The only thing I haven't tried doing is going back to my artwork.  Part of that has been the fact that I now have three dogs that take up a lot of my time...and my focus is not good at all.  I have started looking at posts on Pinterest.  I have so many projects in the house that I should be busy for the next 20 years...just don't have the drive or desire to start them.  When I am ready though, I have all the supplies needed to do them.  I guess my new hobby is procurement.

[Guest Janka]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Wish I could be a fly on the wall with your Karaoke!!

Janka

[Anearia]

evening all. I'm new hear. I just wanted to say that hearing all your stories-all our stories now,  is very comforting and the affinity between all here is beautiful and reasureing to see. Often I find it hard to just let go and let the tears flow, and I get angry with myself that I cant. I take courage from all of you and your brave hearts. My most tearful moments are over food and beauty-this time of the year is magnificent where we live.

I was brought up as a vegetrarian, but have worked on and off as a chef, prepareing meats and fish  over the years until I became a fulltime landscaper. I had always wanted to eat seafood, and so very slowly and carefully Lars taught me to eat shellfish first then real solid fish....  Lars and I recently made the move to be back on the farm more of the time and we opened a little Bistro.We are both foodies. I have had to close it without him here. Just the thought of eating without him makes me feel quite ill. 2 nights before he left I brought take out from the city, he didnt finish it-even though it was from our favourite Vietnamese place. Its still in the fridge.

When I try to cook something I end up just standing there watching it burn. I cooked a steak last night just so I could smell his favourite smell. The dogs had it. All this amazing food is here just going bad.

The veg he planted in the veggie garden -all heritage seeds- are flourishing- oblivious. The winter bulbs are starting to push through. The March lillies are in full bloom.

I miss him so much.

[Guest Janka]

Kev,

here are the two flies looking forward to it:Kay and me!

PS: Still anybody else?

Janka

[scba]

10 hours ago, kevin said:

Brad said if you want Fair something about a blue ribbon and a Pig......My fear was my poor Angela was going to be left alone since I was the high risk part of the duo. Plans were in place for my demise(which are still a few years down the road I hope)......New plans.......Fast forward to the present, and I know I sound like a broken record, I live for today, do something of substance everyday, and I  plan on loving again, and unfortunately, possibly go through this Grief cycle again......I know we all go about this differently and our circumstances vary, and getting back with the living is working for me.........next month Karaoke.....

I would like to sing in a duet, my fav song is "Endless Love". Good luck in your plan on loving again, sending you the best wishes!