It hurts so bad

[mittam99]

I was very happy to open a birthday card just now from daughter Katie. She apologized for not really staying in touch and said she loved me. That did make my day a little brighter, I have to say.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Mitch...

I completely understand how you are feeling today.  When my birthday came in March, people really want to make it be special...but nothing really can make it be special to us with the one that we love no longer here.  I made a point of telling my supervisor that I would go ahead with the birthday lunch, but asked that there be no candles to make wishes on.  There is only one wish that I know of...and all the wishing in the world won't make that happen.  Just follow your own advice today, Mitch and be good to yourself.  If you are not feeling well, then rest and pamper.  I know I can speak for everyone here in the group that we are glad to have your friendship.

[mittam99]

3 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

I know I can speak for everyone here in the group that we are glad to have your friendship.

Believe me Maryann, I love all my Grief Healing Discussion Group "buddies". This is the best group therapy ever. And the hourly rate is really resonable.

[BillT]

Mitch,

May I wish you peace in whatever measure you may find it.  Each day that passes brings us one day closer to reuniting with the one we love.

Different subject - ambushed again:

Noticed a little plaque on a wall in our kitchen - been there for years.  I read it and burst into tears.  

The plaque reads: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all!

The sentiment expressed is so like my Mary Kay.  

Prayer to all..

Bill

[mittam99]

That plaque says it all, Bill!  When you find that perfect person, your soul mate, you have truly found all you need in life. And that's what make our loss so devastating. We had the best. Now we feel broken. It feels like we're going through the motions. Robotic. Repetitive. Our life has been shattered into a million pieces yet somehow we're supposed to find our way..This is one journey that no one wants to take.

I want to relate what I told my sister-in-law in a text message earlier today:

Quote

Sure I cry every day and I ache for Tammy. But how blessed was I to have had someone love me like she did.

That love that Tammy gave me (and the courage she showed) truly gives me a measure of strength to endure the overwhelming pain of grief.

[BillT]

When my Mary Kay was with me my every prayer ended with "... and thank you Lord for my sweet Mary Kay."

Now my prayers end with "... and thank you Lord for the time I had with my sweet Mary Kay."

She truly was all I had and all I needed.  Now ....

 

 

 

 

[Cookie]

BillT:  I feel the same.....he was all I needed and I was so grateful for him all the time he was here....it seems impossible to go on sometime without that person.  Hug to you....Cookie

[Margm]

I tried talking to Billy on the road down to the mailbox.  I did not get tired this time.  The wind was blowing and Billy's favorite honeysuckle scent was heavy on the wind.  I will be satisfied that he talked to me too.  

[Cookie]

Mitch:  Your post was beautiful...everything sounded pretty much as I feel...it's a hard lonely road, terribly lonely, but my husband also faced every day with such grace when he was sick and I try to remember that now that I'm suffering so without him.  Take care, warmly Cookie

[brat#2]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MITCH.  I hope you can find some strength and joy in remembering Tammy and in what she gave to your life.  Thank you for being such a good inspiration and friend through this forum.  BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

Quote

...it's a hard lonely road, terribly lonely, but my husband also faced every day with such grace when he was sick and I try to remember that now that I'm suffering so without him.

Cookie, that's the only way I think we can survive in this new life without it feeling like a meaningless, empty shell.

Take that love you shared, the courage you saw, the sacrifices that were made, and have that empower you to get through each day. Down the road, it may not just be "getting through the day". Maybe you will even have some glimpses of happiness and a feeling of peace.

The person we want to be with isn't here anymore. It wasn't our choice and it wasn't theirs. So here we are, alone. But, in a way, are we really alone if our soul mate lives in our heart forever?

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, mittam99 said:

 Can someone wake me up from this nightmare and let me know it was all just a terribly bad dream?

I wish I could, Mitch.  I don't even know what to say that could possibly help.  Its days like this that even the memories hurt worse.  Life after (insert name here).  Or maybe existence is better.  But a very apt description.

[iPraiseHim]

Happy Birthday, Mitch.  May you find peace and comfort in this day knowing many people care and think of you often.  Our grief time journeys are similar in some ways and I believe we can draw strength and resolve that despite our losses we can still carry on as a loving tribute to a beloved wives. My birthday is also later this month and I hope to call on better memories of better birthdays with my precious wife.  Shalom - George 

[Sherbear512]

Happy birthday Mitch. I know Tammy would be proud of all you have given to this group. I can see here that everyone truly cares for you and we are thinking of you today!

[mittam99]

Thanks to everyone for their birthday wishes. It meant a lot.

I do feel very blessed to have found this group. From day one, the members here (and site owner Marty) reached out and gave me encouragement and support. This place has always been my oasis in this awful and painful new existence.

Quote

I know Tammy would be proud of all you have given to this group

Sherbear, I've always been a believer in giving back if something or someone has helped me. Plus, it just feels good trying your best to help others cope with this difficult life.

 

[Clematis]

On May 9, 2016 at 0:59 AM, Gin said:

Laura,

  ...Hope your vertigo is better.  Did it calm down?  I am thinking about getting one of those Life Alert buttons.  

Gin

Thanks, Gin!  It does seem to be all better I watched YouTUbe videos on Nystagmus and the Epley maneuver for (PBBV) vertigo and did it myself. I had an O.T. apt today for my hand injury and told him about what I had done. He was impressed that I had figured this out myself and resolved it He told me it sounded like I did it correctly. Yahoo!

Dogs are great-I would have one if I spent more time at home. For me, a cat is better because they handle the long absences better. Also, I have a "dog-like" cat, which is kind of the best of both worlds. She comes when I call her, she is. friendly to everyone and I can take her out on a leash, and she does tricks like a dog, but she doesn't drool as much as a dog, has silkier fur, and because of the retractable claws it doesn't hurt as much as a dog jumping on you or walking  over you. Also, even though she vocalizes a lot, it's not loud enough to bother the neighbors. She does, however, talk on the phone; this works especially well on speaker phone because she hears them better. She just won't hold the phone up to her ear-you have to hold it for her...

[KarenK]

Mitch,

I'm so sorry I am late with the birthday wishes. I've been a little wiped out from the "fun" Nuclear Stress Test. Hope your day was pleasant.

[R.Everit55]

Happy Birthday Mitch

[Gin]

Karen...how was that stress test?  I think I have one coming up.  Can not do treadmill.  When do you get results?

laura..I will look up the Epley maneuver.  Good to know.  Glad it worked for you!

gin

[kayc]

Mitch,

I'm so glad you heard from Katie and also that she apologized for not being around more.  It shows she does think of you.  

[Clematis]

Having support-and not feeling alone makes SUCH a difference! Remember when I first started and my screen name was AloneAneLost? Well, that didn't last long thanks to you guys! It was - and is- horrible losing my dad, because we had become so close, and really interdependent. We were a team--a father-daughter team, but a team nonetheless. It was made worse by the other losses. My mother was already gone, my wonderful aunt died, and my sisters stopped talking to me (they want their share of the money and they want it NOW). And my closest friends suddenly disappeared as well.

My close friend B of 30 years-well. hearing about this was just foo much after awhile. I knew that she is fragile and cant's take much, but I wasn't expecting her to tell me that she just couldn't take this anymore, berate me over ridiculous stuff, and say we should take a break and not talk at all. Then my other close friends, A & Susan, who live in Tucson, have had very little contact with me since when my dad was still alive. A has hardly talked to me, but Susan has had only short conversations with me (that are limited by A (they are partners and live together). This was really difficult, especially since A and I have been very close for 20 years. I know that they both have significant health problems and have been very busy, but I was supposed to go down there for the gem show in Feb and it would have been a really nice little break from things, but they uninvited me at the last minute.

Anyway, after a short "break" of about 10 days, B and I are in contact again, which is a relief. And A and Susan, as well as A's parents (whom I am also close to) were in town over the last week, and that was a tremendous relief to actually spend time with them. Yesterday A and Susan and I went for a long hike and then went out to dinner last night with A's dad. I was able to show them the slide show we created to show at my father's Celebration of Life, and they all really liked seeing it, examining the pictures carefully and talking about them. This was especially bread because none of them A & Susan or A's parents were able to come to the event-A was really sick and her parents, as it turned out, were out of town at that time. So this was was a very healing week.

[Clematis]

I recall a therapist telling me years ago, "Sometimes friends can't do the distance", We were talking about how painful it is as you go through therapy-or some other transition in your life. But I find this is even more true when grieving than anywhere. Initially you have tons of support from all directions, and then people start to vanish and disappear. Sometimes there is some drama surrounding their exit and sometimes it is in total silence. You look and they just aren't there anymore. That's a large part of why this site is so valuable...grieving people need support, validation, and unconditional positive regard for a long time, and one's life may be full of people who "can't do the distance" that one needs.

[KarenK]

Laura,

I'm glad that your long time friends have come back into your life. It's odd  that so many adults just don't "get" how we are feeling. Unfortunately, until they experience it firsthand.................  It is not a pain, we wish on anyone.

Ron & I enjoyed the Tucson Gem & Mineral show for many years. I took my son in 2015. Just couldn't afford to go this year. I buy a lot of beads there for my jewelry making hobby. My son is into geology and loved all the "rocks".

Gin,

Don't ever want to have that damn test again. I've had a treadmill stress test before, just not a Nuclear one. I managed to walk on the treadmill(at a normal pace, I guess) for the required 5 minutes. A bit tough for me as I have some COPD because I smoke, but I managed not to fall down or pass out.  lol  The radioactive dye stayed with me for about 24 hours. Strange taste in your mouth. Also had an echocardiogram. Not painful, just uncomfortable. Followup appt. is on June 9 for results. Have already told them, you can't medicate sadness.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread, Mitch. Just don't know where to post things sometimes.

[Clematis]

Yeah, sometimes it's hard to figure out where to put things, like because you want to respond to something that was several posts back, but the conversation has gone in some other direction and may or may not come back...

[Patty65]

On 5/1/2016 at 3:19 AM, KATPILOT said:

My wife would tell me "We'll get through this. We always do".  With what is happening with your business right now, it's a good mantra especially when answers are not with us.

Ron would say that too.  Or I would.  We could get through anything!  We were the best team in the world!  But not this.  I have so many regrets.  I had so much hope, it was the only thing keeping me going while he was even in Hospice, I didn't give up that hope until the last two days.  I feel like I robbed him of being able to come to terms with what was happening.  We never talked about death.  It was unfathomable.  Poor Ron, alone with his fears.  In the last minutes of his life, he opened his eyes just a little and he cried. It just kills me.

Today our pasta shop is one year old, our one year anniversary. There couldn't be more things going wrong here, it seems I'm cursed.  I guess I shouldn't say that because things I haven't even thought of yet will go wrong next. For the past week or two since I stopped posting, though I still read, my therapist has asked me to check in via text daily, since I called her from the side of the road just wanting and trying to end it all.  Every minute has too much pain.

But in the early morning, I find comfort in blasting music, alone at the shop, and baking. Even though it is usually accompanied by crying.  I've bought a digital piano with my "condolence money" that I should have used to hire a plumber for the house, and I'm teaching it to myself when my brain functions enough to be able to.  Its mathematical and creative both, the best distraction.  It kills time when I can't sleep and occupies my mind for brief periods.

But man, does it all seem so, so, so pointless.