It hurts so bad

[TerriL]

Have a safe trip, Marg. And you're right---we do understand all too well. I felt the same about my husband. No one can truly understand how my husband was my partner, my soul mate. We were each a component of our own private team and now, a huge piece is missing and I feel as if someone has cut my anchor and left me drifting out to sea. I panic and struggle to figure out how I can get my bearings again. 

 

I watched the video with Darcie Sims that was posted earlier in this thread and I must say, it is such a powerful message and presented in a way that resonated deeply with me. Thank you for posting that, even if I did cry through much of it. 

[brat#2]

Yes, Marg, have a safe trip and let us know that you got there ok.  As has been said above, our safe haven has been taken away from us and we do struggle to find peace and acceptance that our partners have been taken from us....hopefully some day

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, mittam99 said:

It's hard to imagine losing your soul mate and "accepting it gracefully".  I mean, a loss like this is not just a change, it's the worst thing that can ever happen. It's the loss of love, of companionship, it feels like you've lost a huge part of you. And, in a way, I honestly wonder how deeply and truly in love those folks were who aren't completely devastated with a loss like this.

I was talking to my counselor once and she told me that back in her training days she visited many widows and widowers.  There was one that never seemed emotionally upset.  She finally told my counselor that her grieving started the day she married her husband and 30 years later it was finally over.  Now that is sad.  

People think I have accepted this gracefully.  A facade I use (when possible) to avoid those with platitudes.  My mornings and evenings are hell right now because of a possible health crisis, so more so than usual without Steve's support.  But they were bad times of day for me anyway.  It's like that old saying....no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.   

[brat#2]

Gwen, I get what you are saying, people tell me they think I'm doing so good.  I know my public face and actions are completely different than what goes on behind my closed doors.  I've been having some health issues also and I know it is harder without our loved one's support.

[scba]

In my wondering moments, which are many, I wonder how would it be if each of us could be really authentich "out there". Would it be different if we could just express all emotions and thoughts? I guess I like to think of things that are useless, such as the "why" questions. 

I'm also being told how well I'm coping with it, they think they know but they have no idea. Perhaps I'm not a bomb ready to explode, the intensity is not as in the early days, but all the grief stuff is there. I live two lives, I'm splitted in two worlds, two ways of thinking. I got used to it.

My mind doesn't allow me to accept that he is dead, I have never said "he is dead". It is not that I think he is alive and in a journey, but I can't spell the word. I cannot foreseen my years without him. At least some people grew up with their soulmates, that won't happen to me but I just can't rationalize it. It is fine. I will deal with that later. After all this grief seems that is going to last for so long, probably forever. I have time, or I will be gone before. 

I have lost the "grace" of resignation and acceptance. When it comes to his death, there is no feeling of grace nor resignation nor whatsoever. I feel angry and probably I will be angry for the rest of my life, and I accept that too. Lack of acceptance doesn't allow me to move on and etc. Ok. I'm not a guru, just a human being, imperfect, angry, with my heart broken. There are sure positives things such as the care I receive from family and closest friends, the fact that I can live with my parents. But I don't see any positive outcome from his passing. What would that be? 

I like the word that George uses to end his posts here. I will borrow it. Shalom.

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, brat#2 said:

Gwen, I get what you are saying, people tell me they think I'm doing so good.  I know my public face and actions are completely different than what goes on behind my closed doors.  I've been having some health issues also and I know it is harder without our loved one's support.

When people say "you're doing so good", is that because you appear to them to be functioning... to be smiling here are there, etc? Again, it's so clear that others who haven't experienced a loss like this simply don't understand the magnitude of the devastation to our daily lives. Let's face it, none of us are doing very well.

And so true about things being so much harder without the support and understanding of your loved one.

------------------------

Today a female co-worker was questioning why I haven't "moved on". After all, "It's been a year", she said. And she said "wouldn't your wife want you to be happy"? To which I responded "Oh, no doubt she would, but I'm not sure she's ready for me to find a new mate".  I mentioned that I still feel married and that Tammy will always be my soul mate. I don't think she understood where I'm coming from. She also mentioned  that she had been through divorce but like I tried to tell her, it simply isn't the same.

 

[Froggie4635]

Mitch...

I have also had the "Mark would want you to be happy" comment.  Of course he would want me to be happy.  He always did everything he could to see that I was happy.  But it was never "things" that made me happy.  It was being with him.  I, too, still feel married to him.  I am Mark's wife,,, his widow. To be a widow means you had to have been married.  And you are correct, divorce is NOT the same.  Though the end of a marriage in itself does cause grief.  Just not the same kind of grief.  Mark always told me how lucky he felt that I said "yes" when he asked me to marry him.  The times when he was feeling down on himself, he said things that made m believe he felt he didn't deserve me.  But I made sure he knew EVERY DAY that it was I who was lucky... to have a husband like him and all the love that came along with it.  I am still very much in love with him; just have to figure out how to continue that.  I know I am just beginning to scratch the surface of all the layers of grief.  Although I know you still struggle so much, you are doing better, Mitch.  You understand the things you need to do for yourself and I am glad to see you are doing them.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, scba said:

5 hours ago, scba said:

I don't see any positive outcome from his passing. What would that be?

You got me.  I have yet to think of anything that I will ever look back on in a positive light.  

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Today a female co-worker was questioning why I haven't "moved on". After all, "It's been a year", she said. And she said "wouldn't your wife want you to be happy"? To which I responded "Oh, no doubt she would, but I'm not sure she's ready for me to find a new mate".  I mentioned that I still feel married and that Tammy will always be my soul mate. I don't think she understood where I'm coming from. She also mentioned  that she had been through divorce but like I tried to tell her, it simply isn't the same.

Ouch!  Moved on and it's been a year in the same conversation?  I was told Steve would want me to be happy.  Of course he would.  HE would also understand why I am not.  I'll always be married to him, til I die.  He couldn't put himself in my place, but we did discuss that when he left it would be unimaginably possible to describe and live on thru alone.  He got that because he reversed the situation in his mind.

The divorce comparison is lidicrous.  First off, people that divorce don't want to be together anymore.  Second, both people are still alive.  I keep taking deep breaths when I hear this stuff.  How did all these people that have not experienced what we have all of a sudden become experts?  

[Margm]

Well, yesterday I tried pulling up my diabetic socks in the hospital and showed some leg.  No one was interested.  (I don't have diabetes, like the socks.).Really folks, when someone asks you a stupid question, ask them "why do you want to know."  OMG I am glad I am old.  No one expects anything out of me, which is good,  I don't get any wise remarks from anyone.  Well, one of my widow friends told me to get busy and finish my house to put on the market.  So, I came home and relatives moved in, then I moved out and did what I do best.......hide.

[mittam99]

The "wouldn't they want you to be happy" comment we hear is obviously a no-brainer. Of course they want us to be happy. But because of the type of loving, one of a kind relationship we had, our spouses also would realize, happiness is virtually impossible without them.

Tammy would go back and visit her family in Illinois a few weeks a year. I couldn't make it due to work obligations. And I'll tell you what... being without her for a few days  or a couple weeks was torture. Sure we talked on the phone but I missed her so much.

Last January, I was helping Tammy to the bathroom when she told me she felt a little shaky. All of the sudden she just collapsed. My first reaction was fear. Fear that we had to go to the hospital again. Fear that I didn't know what was going to happen. Fear that I could lose her. And all those memories of all the past medical traumas quickly went through my mind. And I burst out into tears, sobbing and blurting out "Tammy, please be ok... I don't know what I'd do without you".

Tammy was not just a part of my life, she was my entire world. With her in it, the birds sang, the sun was a little brighter and there was much love and smiles. Without her everything is just a shell of what it once was. Yes, I was so blessed to have Tammy in my life and that's why life without her is so hard and the hurt so bad.

Life these days feels like I'm stuck in the mud. I'd guess you'd say it feels like I'm in a rut. It's Groundhog's day over and over. It's just that I simply don't know "how to live" this "new" life. I take it one day at a time and I do what I "have" to do. The chores get done... I go to work. I eat. I watch TV. Kinda sounds like a prison sentence doesn't it? But for now, this is all I am capable of doing.

Question... I find myself talking to myself quite often and talking to Tammy here and there. Am I the only one?

 

[Guest]

Mitch-

I have constant conversations with Deedo.  I've always been one to speak my thoughts out loud, i just find it is much more frequent now.  I'll probably end up as the old guy in the park muttering to himself.  But the way I look at it I'm the only one interested in what I have to say so I just might as well speak to myself.

Also keep doing what you are capable of and slowly, over time, this sentence we are facing will change to something different. I hope.

[kayc]

No, you're not the only one.  I talk to George all the time.  In my profession I was a bookkeeper and it wasn't uncommon for me to talk myself through a procedure as a way of processing it in my brain, so I've always talked to myself, bosses have just had to get used to it.  I preferred working in a private office for concentration.  But living alone is different, at least I have pets to talk to.

[Margm]

I talk to Billy everytime I am alone, which is only when I get in my truck and go over to babysit my mother.  I talk to him at redlights, in the middle of town, getting out of my truck anywhere.  I say things like "Billy, you would not like this."  And I will be saying that sentence in the apartment I move to.  But if he had not left me, I would not be moving into one.  I do that for myself.  I can no longer do anything for him, but love him the rest of my short life.

[brat#2]

I talk to Dale all the time too and to myself, which I did before.  Mitch that is all we can do, keeping doing what is necessary and like Brad said hopefully someday our lives will turn into something different, however, we will always miss our loves but hoping it won't be so painful. 

[TerriL]

I'm always talking to Paul, too. I make sure to tell him every day, how much I love him, the same way I did when he was here with me in person. I can't see any reason to stop doing that. I don't have much help from anyone else, so if there is even the remotest of possibilities that he can somehow help me or get me through each day, I talk to him and ask him to guide me in the right direction. I've been amazed at times how much it actually has helped me. But, I still ache for him all the time. It's funny how things may seem to go wrong, one right after the other, when you have your soul mate still with you, but sharing the aggravation makes it more bearable. That's especially true when your spouse is very handy and mechanically inclined, things that I am NOT. Paul could actually take care of things that went wrong, with me as his trusty assistant. However, lately, things have been breaking or going wrong and now, it's all on ME alone to deal with it or clean it up or attempt to get it fixed or make it right. I have no one to gripe with, no one to help me out and now, since my beloved handyman is gone, it usually results in me having to open up my wallet yet again. Mind you, the bills have increased due to my needing help but with him gone, the money has been cut in half. It's hard enough to be suffering this loss. Having all sorts of issues and problems arise at the same time makes you feel like you're drowning. So, should I worry what anyone thinks of me talking to my husband? When I'm sitting, crosslegged, in the corner of the room, using my finger to play with my bottom lip, maybe then they can worry a little. 

[mittam99]

Tough day today. Last March 4th, Tammy came home from rehab. I was so glad she was home and she had a new attitude about trying to exercise more and make herself stronger.  March 5th we had a big snowstorm. On March 6th, I got up bright and early to clean up the snow so I could get to the grocery store and be first in line to get Tammy's medications at the pharmacy.

It was supposed to be a good day. I was cooking Tammy a special meal. Getting things setup in a special room we had for her to exercise in.

By the evening, Tammy was gone. And my world felt like it caved in.

I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person but when I try to understand how this happened I'm like a three year old. I babble, I cry. I look to the heavens trying to make sense of it all. I just can't fathom how this happened. I cry so much at times (and I often don't drink enough water) that I get dehydrated. I don't know if this has happened to any of you but I've even cried in the middle of eating and almost choked.

If only I was smart enough to build a time machine and create a cure for lupus. I'd be all set!

 

[brat#2]

Terri - that was my Dale too, he could fix almost anything or if he couldn't knew someone who could.  I also have had a lot of things that needed to be fixed since he passed, things he was going to take care of once he felt better.  I don't have much help either, what little family I have left lives so far away, what friends "we" had have not been here for me, so I know how frustrating it is to have to find someone to fix what has broken and have to pay them for it.  There is nothing easy about this horrible journey we are having to go through.

[brat#2]

Mitch, I'm sorry you having such a rough day.  I wish I could tell you something that would make it better.

[TerriL]

Mitch,

I have started crying in the middle of eating, drinking, you name it. And yeah, to the point where you choke. There is no way to know in advance how, when or where the pain will suddenly hit you. 

I am so sorry you are going through such a tough day, although I'm sure, (as it is for me, too), EVERY day is a tough day Some are just worse than others. Just one week before my husband suddenly passed away, he was clearing out weeds from our garden so that we could replant with native plants . We were so looking forward to doing that together. We had also been talking about getting back into riding our bicycles in the park or at the beach. And then, the following week, he was gone and so, too, were all the plans we'd made. Now, all the weeds that Paul had cleared away have grown back. People have told me that I should get the plants anyway and plant them as a "tribute" to him, but right now, I just don't have the motivation. It only reminds me of what I've lost.

If you do build that time machine, let me know what I can do to help. I will gladly do my part in order to go back, armed with the knowledge I have now, and save my husband. I would get him to the ER before he even had that first stroke so they could administer drugs or whatever. By the way, my husband's aunt had lupus and I have a very good friend who also suffers with that. I do know it's a very difficult condition to treat and control and my heart goes out to you and to your beloved wife, Tammy. I'm sure having had a husband who loved her as you do, made her life so much better. Take care. 

[TerriL]

Brat, have you ever had days since Dale passed where you just want to say "to he-- with it all", get in your car and start driving, not even knowing where you'll end up? Of course, I'd never actually DO it---I have my cats to still think about and to be honest, it would cost me even more to stay somewhere else unless I live out of my car. But, sometimes I have gotten to the point where I'll sit down, doesn't matter where, and begin bawling my eyes out in grief and frustration. 

[Margm]

@TerriL:  You know me.  I want to head for the motel in the middle of Texas and hide.  I don't have to make sense anymore.  Grief and age too, you know.

[Cookie]

As usual I can relate to everything said here.  I was working (technically still am) 3-4 mornings a week for 3 hours at a daycare, but just got sidelined again for the second time in a month by getting really sick.  This time, it was a respiratory virus and strep.  I am on antibiotics again, off this week and trying to figure out if I should go back or not.  I've been told that working with kids will open me up to a lot of sickness and it's so depressing; plus, I feel like I've been living at the doctor's office.  It's a hard call.  The getting out is good for the 3 hours in the morning and is a schedule, but getting really sick all the time is not good.  Don't know what I'm going to do.  Looking for other jobs; hope something comes up.  I feel for everyone's misery, as I have so much of it myself.  I actually do a lot of things....go to a singing group once a week, been playing cards once a week with friends, but I still feel awful, so not sure any of this really helps.  It just feels like you've got to do something if you're alive on this earth, even if you don't want to be, which I feel quite often....hugs to all, Cookie

[brat#2]

TerriL - yes I do have those days when I just want to go far away or find a hole and crawl into it.  I'm like you, it would cost me more to live/go somewhere else, so I don't.  I don't know if I will stay here forever, but don't want to make any snap decisions and regret it later.  I never know when the tears are going to hit me, in the grocery store just this morning, I started crying cause I couldn't decide what to get for dinner tonight.  On Friday, I always got us something "special" at the store for dinner (kind of like our night out) and I'm still doing it, but it's hard because I can't get the same foods I use to get for us.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Cookie said:

It just feels like you've got to do something if you're alive on this earth, even if you don't want to be, which I feel quite often....hugs to all, Cookie

Cookie, I know it would be hard in you to have to give up the daycare.  I volunteer at a nursing home and am always worried I will pick up something.  Being adults tho, I can avoid a lot and make use of the Purel stations everywhere.  Getting sick often in grief I'd tough as we have so little reserves.

i quoted what hit me today as does most days.  Trying to find things to do since we are still here.  I'm going thru a phase wishing I was not.  But then I worry about my dogs care and the life they are happy with being just as disrupted as mine was (tho animals adapt so much better without that future tripping mind we possess).  It's sad that that is what it comes down to.  I so miss weekly routines that were traditions by day of the week with Steve.  Tonight would be take out.  It's all my decision now and not really any thrill.  To get excited about such a little thing with your partner becomes so looming now.  I so miss giving him he'll for not tasting the fries at pick up so we didn't get saddled with old ones.  So many little things.

Whats also hard it we really can't say to most people how devoid of purpose life has become because our society has so little patience for being down.  It's get up and get going again ASAP.  If only it were that simple.  So we put on the facade.  Live the alone times in the reality of it....alone.