It hurts so bad

[Gwenivere]

37 minutes ago, kayc said:

Eight months isn't very far out, I'd give it more time before deciding.  You could easily feel totally different a year from now.  But if it's at the point of causing you upset, you might go ahead anyway, just understand whatever you do is irreversible.

Kay, that is the one thing I have always kept in mind about some of the very small changes I have made around here.  To be sure they are what I will be OK with down the line because there are no 'take backs'.  For example, when I was questioned about still having his van I started thinking maybe this person was right.  Thank god I didn't listen.  Yes, it's maintenance, insurance and all that, but to come home every day to an empty space where his 'baby' was would be excruciating.  We know when we are ready and even then a double check emotionally is a good idea.  

[brat#2]

Gwen, I totally agree, I haven't given anything away or done/moved anything of his yet either.  I just don't want that "why did I do that" later down the line.  It's not hurting anything staying the way it is until I'm ready.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Cookie...

I have also read that one should not make any major decisions the first year, and I also know that some changes have to be made.  My husband, Mark, had his heart attack in our home; in fact, the emergency guys worked on him for over 40 minutes.  When I came home from the meeting at the funeral home and walked in the door, there was medical debris all over.  I found pieces for weeks after.  One of the first things I had to do, for my own sanity, was move the furniture, so I didn't continue to see Mark laying there fighting for his life.  One of the next things I did, was begin to put things up on the walls.  I had spent time collecting items that represented Mark, and me, and us.  I felt by doing it, I was having him all around me, everywhere.  A few days before he died, we sat outside on the swing, and he said how much at peace he felt there, in his little corner of the world.  I know he would be happy with whatever I decided to do here, but for now I want to make it a place where WE lived.  He told me once that if I were to die first, he wasn't sure he could live here...because I was everywhere.  Well, he is too.  And it gives me comfort.  The sadness I feel doesn't come from looking at things that were his; it comes from him being gone.  I feel the same sadness when I sit in our car.  Mark is everywhere.  And it is where I want to be.

[Gwenivere]

Oh Maryann.  I cannot even begin to imagine having to witness what you did.  The most I had to do was empty the house of cancer supplies as Steve died in a facility.  My heart truly goes out to you.

[Margm]

In March one year ago we brought the new RV home.  We were not homesteaders, we were not stix and brix people.  We have always had a gypsy/nomad heart, but had a family that always needed us for something.  After Billy passed, the first week I was going to trade for a Class C and leave.  Then it hit me, how in the hell could I go to all the places we were going to go without him.  How could I do what we shared, by myself.  No platitude can fill in the blanks.  It would be 24/7 torture.  We had actually discussed at one time that the one remaining would take the others ashes and travel.  I cannot do it. We had already started getting rid of things.  I have to leave.  I cannot stay even in that state.  The house is over 2000 sq feet on over two acres of the most beautiful woods of Arkansas, still in the city limits of this small town.  Hills and valleys separate each house.  I cannot handle the quiet and solitude.  I will do something Billy would never have done.  I want an apartment in a big apartment complex where I can hear life, not death.  I will move all Billy's things, but, living in a place like that would have been a nightmare for him.  But, he is not with me, is he?  I cannot physically do the things he did.  I have had 54 years of nothing but responsibility.  I don't want to be responsible for the upkeep of appliances, a roof, AC/heat, plumbing, and I might even lease my car.  This is where we began, birth, graduation, marriage, children born and raised.  I cannot be where he left me.

[MartyT]

As someone wisely observed, "one size does not fit all" ~ and this is but another example. We each must do what works best for each of us, and for some, it may be too soon to make those big decisions. 

For those who are interested, this article offers some food for thought, along with a list of Related Articles I've gathered on the topic: To Move Or Not: Making Decisions In The Wake of Recent Loss

[Margm]

Marty, that widow who lived in the motel, out of a suitcase reminds me of myself.  Leaving my sister widow neighbor is the hardest thing about leaving our place.  This is her hometown, where she was born and raised.  Her husband had built their house.  She knows my situation though and she recommends my leaving, even though she and I will miss each other.  There are nine houses on the street and five widows. We were going to leave anyhow, Billy just left without me.

[mittam99]

During the last 8 or so years, Tammy's health was not good. Her lupus flared up and it seemed like her body was breaking down. There were many long hospital stays and countless life threatening ordeals. Tammy was the strongest and most amazing woman I've ever known, handling all this with humor and grace. She was an inspiration.

I was by her side through all this doing my best to be her knight in shining armor. At home, I did almost all the cooking and almost all the household chores. I did Tammy's wound care trying to help with her MRSA infections. We weren't able to get out much so 99% of our time was spent together in this house. 

I think the thing that kept us "sane" was our sense of humor. I always like to be silly and joke around and Tammy loved to laugh! When Tammy died last March the 6th, the laughter and love that was a wonderful part of living in this house was gone too. But... I have never given thought to moving. I haven't given any of Tammy's things away. Heck, I've barely even moved anything. I guess for me, having things "the way they were" gives me a sense of comfort. I don't think it's denial on my part (sure in a fantasy world I'm hoping this is all a bad dream) it's simply what works for me.

I mean, I've lost the most precious thing I ever had in my life. Tammy, was the sweetest soul and she really did make me the happiest man in the world. So, why should I now move or move things around because, at times, those things bring tears to my eyes? Those tears are there because of the love I felt for her. They will never leave.

My house is lonely, yes. I'm terribly sad and in much pain. But not because I'm living here.  My Tammy died. She was only 45 and we had plans for the future. A future filled with love. That's what's unbearable for me. Giving her things away or changing things around would be another sense of loss and emptiness that I can't handle, for now.

Everyone handles grief in their own way. If others need to move or change things, that's what they definitely should do. It's all about trying to find some level of comfort in a life without our beloved in it.

 

[Margm]

Eventually I have to learn to take care of myself.  Eventually I have to learn that "No" is a complete sentence.  In that big house there are so many relatives that want to take care of me that I cannot afford to cook all the meals, pay all the bills, and provide for so many.  I was not old, and certainly not feeble until Billy left.  I just hope I have the wherewither to do what I have to do and quit being the enablers that Billy and I both were for so many years.  I never really thought about Billy dying.  It was going to be me.  I just have the feeling now that time is of the essence, no time like the present.  I feel the need to do something now.  Billy had told me years ago that if I died all my problems would be over and the pain and suffering would be on the one that was left.  I did not expect to be the one that was left. Decisions are hard for the one left.  My children are older than some of your partners that you have lost.  I don't know if I feel good because I have so little time, or just plain overpowered.

[kayc]

I definitely find comfort being here where he lived with me, where his ashes are, where our memories exist.  But I am getting older and I can't afford to hire someone to do all of the work that needs done around here that I can no longer do.  I prioritize but some things have to wait and I don't know how long I can keep doing this.  I'd hate an apartment, I don't like the noise, I'm used to peace and quiet and nature.  So I hold out as long as I physically can and hope I die before I have to leave here.

[brat#2]

I completely understand that some of you feel the need to make changes or move from your homes.  My home is "our" home and even though everywhere I look I see Dale, that is also what give me comfort.  Sure I cry some times when I see his things, but like it was said in other posts, it's not the things that make me cry, it's him not being here.

[Cookie]

Oh Gwenivere, what you said sounded so completely similar to what I feel.  The only comfort I derive is that I'm not the only one, which believe me is huge because I spend a lot of time worrying that I'm psychologically going into a ditch.  I forget whether you work or not.  I keep thinking a regular job might anchor me a little bit more.  I was working 3 hours in the morning at a daycare, but recently got very sick for the second time in a few months with a virus and strep, so think I need to get out of the daycare environment and into something else.  I met a widow who said that she got through by being so busy teaching yoga and doing massage that she never had time to think about her loss, and now many years later she is very happy.  Boy, I'd like to get there.  So tired of being in pain.  Think about changing furniture, painting, etc., but can't seem to mobilize to do it yet.  Thanks for sharing with me.....Cookie

[Cookie]

All of you, thanks so much for sharing.  There is a little bit of my feelings in every post.  It is such a comfort to hear all of this.  I don't feel as alone with my thinking....warmly, Cookie

[kayc]

Cookie, you might consider volunteering.  I am Treasurer at our church so work there on Mondays.  I am on the Praise Team, choir, and community choir, so get out for practices and performances.  I also help at the Senior Site Tuesdays and Thursdays, and that's kind of the highlight of my week.  I love old people, they're interesting and a hoot!  If I stayed within the confines of my home every day I'd surely lose my mind!  My dog and two cats helps too.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Cookie said:

Oh Gwenivere, what you said sounded so completely similar to what I feel.  The only comfort I derive is that I'm not the only one, which believe me is huge because I spend a lot of time worrying that I'm psychologically going into a ditch.  I forget whether you work or not.  I keep thinking a regular job might anchor me a little bit more. 

I volunteer 3 times a week at a nursing home.  It's not much but it gets me out.  I used to have full days with that, the dog park (weather permitting)and just taking care of our lives.  I feel myself teetering on the edge of that ditch all the time now.  I don't think I could handle a full time or even part time job that required me to adhere to someone else's schedule right now.  im just too emotionally a walking time bomb that I'm afraid the anticipation would ignite me.  So, lots of free time.  Too much of it.  I've also had some maladies come up that have not helped this being alone to address them.  Maybe it is being alone that was the cause, I am totally baffled by it all.  Never in my life did I foresee being so not me.  It would resolve so quickly if Steve would come home.  Oops, slipped into fantasyland again. 

[hollowheart]

I'm always jealous of those who don't work anymore and don't have to paste on a happy face for 40 hours a week. But I see now that a lot of free time right now can be just as frustrating. I know my weekends just about drive me insane with all that downtime and my running buddy not here. I'm just not used to going it alone, and I only mean certain things like shopping. Not much fun without someone there to show a great find too or just spend 3 hours in a store together browsing. Now I feel like I rush shop which is not fun.

Anyway, I guess it's all pretty sucky. Work gives me something to do, but there is no anticipation of fun after the work, which I think makes me resent work (which I don't like anyway) more. Sometimes I get really depressed and think what kind of life is this without anticipation of fun times?

[brat#2]

Gwen - I also am glad I don't have a regular job to go to, I don't think I would be working there very long if I did.  I never know when I'm going to start crying or my mind wonders.  I do work from home part time, so that does help, and I can do that when I want to.  You are right, it would resolve so quickly if only they would come home.

[Gin]

We all wish they could come home.  Some days every thing bothers me.. If I hear on the news of something that happened a year ago, I think, "Al was here then".  Or just the Month change..."Al was here last March".  There is nothing that does not make me think of him.

[KarenK]

I know I should get out and do things, but I just don't seem to have the desire. My "get up and go" has gotten up and gone. It takes effort just to go to the grocery store. Before Ron and Debbie left, I was NEVER sick. Taking BP meds since my mid 50's, I was required to get bloodwork once a year for a new script and that was it. I have been to the doctor and in the hospital more in the last 3 years than my entire life. I am exhausted all of the time. I'm sure a lot of it is depression. You would think by now, I could pull myself up by the bootstraps, but it isn't happening. It's as if my incentive for living is gone. Yes, I exist, but I am not living.

[kayc]

Karen, I think that's understandable.  

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, KarenK said:

I know I should get out and do things, but I just don't seem to have the desire. My "get up and go" has gotten up and gone. It takes effort just to go to the grocery store. Before Ron and Debbie left, I was NEVER sick. Taking BP meds since my mid 50's, I was required to get bloodwork once a year for a new script and that was it. I have been to the doctor and in the hospital more in the last 3 years than my entire life. I am exhausted all of the time. I'm sure a lot of it is depression. You would think by now, I could pull myself up by the bootstraps, but it isn't happening. It's as if my incentive for living is gone. Yes, I exist, but I am not living.

I could have written this myself.  I can't believe how many times I have gotten sick, wound up in the ER or an urgent care clinic since Steve died.  The whole time (5 years) he was ill, I barely got sidelined.  Just routine check ins with my doc for meds.  I don't what to make of the fatigue.  I know depression causes it, but sometimes it seems too intense.  I keep thinking why I can't pull it together also.  I did better emotionally the first year than 4 months into the 2nd.  It's quite maddening.  I was productive last year. Now I can barely get to the very few things I have on my schedule.   Medical apts. are becoming too frequent and I know that is dragging me down.  What us especially hard, aside from having the medical problems, is that I don't have the motivation to live without Steve.  Not yet.  So the docs have all these ideas for tests to 'make me feel better', but they don't realize they are dealing with someone has has little to no motivation to be involved in living as it is just an extension of existence only.

I went from one primary doc to now 3, possibly 4 specialists as well.  What the heck happened?

[KarenK]

Gwen,

When you think about it, I guess it is "life" that happened. Whether we like it or not, death will always be the end result of life. It amazes me that some accept the loss of a loved one so gracefully and are able to glean something positive from the experience. For some of us, the experience seems to define the remainder of our lives. I wish it wasn't so.

[mittam99]

 

34 minutes ago, KarenK said:

It amazes me that some accept the loss of a loved one so gracefully and are able to glean something positive from the experience. For some of us, the experience seems to define the remainder of our lives. I wish it wasn't so.

It's hard to imagine losing your soul mate and "accepting it gracefully".  I mean, a loss like this is not just a change, it's the worst thing that can ever happen. It's the loss of love, of companionship, it feels like you've lost a huge part of you. And, in a way, I honestly wonder how deeply and truly in love those folks were who aren't completely devastated with a loss like this.

In a way, the pain I feel is a testament to how intense the bond was with me and Tammy. We truly were two souls sharing one heart.

As far as folks gleaning something positive from the experience... sure there are  the cliches like "they are in no pain" and "they're in a better place". But those are just things people say who honestly don't know what else to say. I can't find any positives from what happened on March 6, 2015. 

 

[Froggie4635]

I did not grow up in an warm, caring environment.  As a young person, and remembering the loss of my grandparents, I don't remember seeing any tears.  My mother always said the same thing every time, "when your number is up, your number is up".  That was my foundation for dealing with loss.  My mom had a stroke when I was 24 years old.  I had twelve years of grieving until she finally died.  Her death was sudden from cancer we did not know she had until too late.  My father died from the affects of Alzheimer's.  The last time I visited with him, I am not sure he knew who I was. I remember crying at the funeral, but I am finding no residual grief from either of their passings.  My best friend died not long after I moved here to Texas.  She died from result s of alcoholism, which I did not know she even was.  I did not make it home to attend her funeral.  I remember sobbing when I found out she had passed, and I cried when I finally made it home to visit with her mother.  So, I am not struggling with the question WHY when it comes to Mark's passing.  He lived to the end of his allotted time on Earth.  So, in part I have accepted that graciously.  But it does not mean I did not love him deeply.  What I do believe is that I am still in shock at the loss of the ONE person in my life who loved me unconditionally, my true soul mate.  I am learning all about loss, what it does to your life in a way that I was never prepared for.  I am trying to figure out how I am supposed go on without the person who brought to my life things I hadn't ever received from those who were supposed to love me.  No one understands the safe place he created for me...a place where I could blossom and become who I was meant to be. 

[Margm]

We do understand the safe haven and now we all are cast in a horrible Mad Max landscpe.  That is why we are here....we understand..  Even this crazy redneck ggrandmother understands.  I cannot swim, but I am dogpaddling as fast as I can.  Fixing to drive those 175 miles to de house.