WolfsKat Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 After losing my beloved Connor 9 months and 4 days ago (will I always count the time?) I felt as if my time here in FL was over. My family all live back "home" in Michigan, I moved down here in 2004. Although I did miss my family, Connor could've never dealt with winters up there, and I was totally content to abide here, with him. But the yearning to live close to my family again grew stronger after his passing....I have a few good friends down here, but, no family. But I saw no way for me to financially be able to return to Michigan to live, working full time here and knowing that a full time position in my company would not be given if I were to move.....I felt trapped here! But, I had an appointment w/Soc.Sec. last week.....found out that I can receive a monthly widow benefit and still earn up to $15,720.00 a year in working income, which would be a part time job for me! I would actually have MORE income than by me working full time, as I do now! I was surprised, to say the least. So, I've made a big decision. In January, I will "step down" to part time in my company, and start the monthly benefit checks...not only that, I plan to move back to Michigan in late April/early May. Still working out how best to accomplish this.....how to arrange a job transfer (the company allows this for part time), the actual physical moving, etc.......but I have some time for the details. It's exciting and scary at the same time....definitely a leap of faith. With that monthly check from Soc.Sec....I feel that Connor is still "looking out" for me.....I'm certain he is cheering me on to make a new life. It will not be a "better life".....I had the BEST life with Connor alongside me......but I think better than my life has been since he passed over. It is a bit daunting......reinventing my life yet again.....but, for the first time since Connor left.....I feel as though I've a chance for some measure of a bit of happiness/contentment.....and will have the comfort of knowing that I have my family, once again, close by. Will be flying up in a few weeks to visit & go to my family reunion (1st time in 12 years!)......and will take time to look at a few parks I might choose to live in. I just have to believe that this is falling into place for a reason......and continue to have faith! 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 That is awesome news! I am so happy for you. A move is daunting, but your renewed energy shines thru in your words. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Polly Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 That is great news! I'm happy for you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 we are cheering for you! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 Yes we are! ♥ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 It seems like things are falling into place for you I am glad for you I am sure your Conner is right by your side. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dew's Girl Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 I am so happy that things have fallen into place for you. I moved about six months after Daniel's death to be closer to my family and support system and have not regretted it at all. I suspect you will have a lot of mixed emotions during the transition, I know I did. But in the end, it was the right thing for me. I hope the move goes smoothly for you as well. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 I'm glad things are working out for you and you are going to be able to be close to family. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forever His x Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 Hello , First of all , i just wanted to say what a wonderful outcome for you , im really happy you were able to make that decision and financially worked out for you too , will be lovely to be close to family at a time like this . I hope you dont mind if i ask both you WolfsKat & Dews Girl a question i know i have asked on here before but you have both actually done it . Im in the dilemma of staying where i live or do i move area to try and move forward never on as a mum . Me and my partner have always lived with my parents and brother we all had a lovely bond and never been no problem , so i dont need to move to be near family as i already have them here . Where we are at the minute isnt the best of places its ok and that and friendly but we are in the city , we have the opportunity to "better" our lives well not better because i havent got him , but move to the countryside and bring our little boy up there , we would also be financially better off . But the thing is i cant decide whats for the best . Do i leave because the memories are to hard and painful i cant even go in our room ? or do i stay because thats where he was and he knows where his baby is . I know neither of you can make my decision for me , but as you have both moved have you got any input on my situation ? Thankyou . 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dew's Girl Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 1 hour ago, Forever His x said: Do i leave because the memories are to hard and painful i cant even go in our room ? or do i stay because thats where he was and he knows where his baby is . My personal belief is that he doesn't live in that house anymore. He lives in your heart. You'll take him with you wherever you go. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 Wolf'sKat, Wishing you the best with your move and your going to part time. Forever His, That is something only you can decide as we're all different, but I like Amy's answer! They are with us no matter where we are. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 I wish I could feel that, Kay. I don't feel Steve with me at all. That is what is tearing me apart. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 Gwen, me either. We were so close in life. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted July 26, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 4 hours ago, Forever His x said: Hello , First of all , i just wanted to say what a wonderful outcome for you , im really happy you were able to make that decision and financially worked out for you too , will be lovely to be close to family at a time like this . I hope you dont mind if i ask both you WolfsKat & Dews Girl a question i know i have asked on here before but you have both actually done it . Im in the dilemma of staying where i live or do i move area to try and move forward never on as a mum . Me and my partner have always lived with my parents and brother we all had a lovely bond and never been no problem , so i dont need to move to be near family as i already have them here . Where we are at the minute isnt the best of places its ok and that and friendly but we are in the city , we have the opportunity to "better" our lives well not better because i havent got him , but move to the countryside and bring our little boy up there , we would also be financially better off . But the thing is i cant decide whats for the best . Do i leave because the memories are to hard and painful i cant even go in our room ? or do i stay because thats where he was and he knows where his baby is . I know neither of you can make my decision for me , but as you have both moved have you got any input on my situation ? Dear Forever..........no, I cannot, and would not , make that decision for you. But, all I can offer you, is this......he WILL be with you, and your child, wherever you might choose to abide.....the love would draw him, the place is irrelevant. You have to do what you know, in your heart, is the best decision for both you and your child......I think you actually already know what that is, you've no need to seek validation from others. But, from what I feel.....you've no need to worry about his "knowing" where you've went....he will be with you, always, no matter when or where......it's the love that is a magnet, not a physical space on this earth! Wishing you blessings and peace...xo 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 It's not so much that I go by feeling as by faith, the same way our relationship was built, bit by bit. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 28, 2016 Report Share Posted July 28, 2016 On 7/26/2016 at 3:07 PM, Dew's Girl said: You'll take him with you wherever you go. We were here first. He left me where we had lived. We were planning on leaving together. He passed away in one hospital I had retired from. I could not go back there. I could not stand to drive by the hospital. I feel the young Billy the Kid in this area. It was his home before we met and our home, our children's home, our graduations, our marriage, births of our children, their graduation, our life. The other place was his death and I would not stay. He is in my heart here, the reminders are happy. The school I was going to where he used to come for lunch with me, they have fixed it now where it is not a bad reminder. It is used now. At first when I saw it after all these years, it looked so vacant, like my life. Now it is a place for people to go for food, for free. I cannot say life is good. It will never be good like it was, but I am surviving. The cardinal I saw on our anniversary, I have not seen again. I have to feel it is a sign. This morning there was a Carolina Wren on the railing. Nothing significant, except they follow me where ever I go. They sound so happy with their song that is terrible. Reminds me of myself singing. Terrible, but they are singing their happy song. I do not feel happy. I have to try to let myself be happy. So many hooks in me trying to drag me down though. I know this is common ground to all of us. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 28, 2016 Report Share Posted July 28, 2016 3 hours ago, Marg M said: The cardinal I saw on our anniversary, I have not seen again. I have to feel it is a sign. Marg, I think you're right. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted July 30, 2016 Report Share Posted July 30, 2016 On 7/26/2016 at 6:23 PM, Gwenivere said: I wish I could feel that, Kay. I don't feel Steve with me at all. That is what is tearing me apart. On 7/26/2016 at 6:33 PM, Gin said: Gwen, me either. We were so close in life. The thing you have to remember is that "feeling them" in real life isn't going to be like the movie "Ghost". I'm not Patrick Swayze and Tammy isn't Demi Moore and we're not making pottery together. It is more of a "leap of faith" as has been said. Yes, I've had some mysterious, unexplained incidents that have given me a measure of comfort that Tammy is still here in some way. But the skeptic will say "where's the proof?". And that's where the real answer comes into play... Tammy was my one and only true love. She and I were so much better together. I mean, alone were were both good and funny and kind people... but together... we were a true force of nature. We were so right for each other and so madly in love. We were soul mates. And that's the thing... When you love someone to the core and they love you the same, that love will never die. Yes, physically Tammy has left this earth, but her amazing essense lives on. She lives on not just in my mind but in my heart. Although we physically can't touch she still touches my soul and will forever and always. Gwen and Gin... This is what allows me to progress in my journey. Allowing myself to believe that somehow, some way Tammy still exists. Her body gave out on her but her incredible positive spirit, her courage, her smile, her gentle nature and her love live on eternally. Yes, this new life is hard. Nearly impossible sometimes. And certainly nothing feels the same. I still talk to Tammy but she doesn't answer. I can't hear wonderful laugh and see her gleaming smile. Can't touch her soft skin or kiss her sweet lips. I miss making love with her and all of our moments of intimacy. It's certainly easy to "hate" our new lives as a widow(er). But we are still here. Our hearts still beat even though they are out of whack. We breathe, but the air doesn't seem as sweet. Our food doesn't seem to taste as good as it used to. TV shows seem less interesting and funny as they once did. Music that used to bring joy now causes tears to stream down our face. Nothing will ever be the same. But, I believe we all have an ace in our pocket. And that's the incredibly deep love we shared with our mate. Few couples in this world are truly soul mates. We were. If you want to "feel" your lost soul mate, they are never further away than your next thought. They do live on as a part of you, heart and soul. Mitch 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted July 30, 2016 Report Share Posted July 30, 2016 I like your thinking Mitch 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted July 30, 2016 Report Share Posted July 30, 2016 Beautifully said, Mitch. Shalom 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 30, 2016 Report Share Posted July 30, 2016 Mitch, I think your post and its thoughts are beautifully written and a wonderful way to try and look at our loss. It doesn't work for me tho. Neither do inspirational quotes or pictures. This is a time of such trauma realizing I am now and will be alone for the rest of my life as far as a life partner, that thinking of the times we had gives me no solace. I can talk about him to others and perhaps smile a bit, but when it comes to being alone, any memory, good or bad, is just searing pain right now. I don't feel a presence because of the memories. I just feel and see a vast void that looks impossible to even slightly fill. Of course I am thrilled he was a part of my life. He helped make me who I am because of our history. But he isn't here now. That is my reality. I often try not to think of times we had because of the pain. There are times I wish I could forget about him just to have some freedom from the pain for a short bit. All our reactions are valid and I'm happy that many find solace in thier memories. For me right now, the few people I talk to that let me feel that pain are invaluable. They are helping me feel sane considering the insanity my mind sees this as. That I have a darned good reason to see life right now as an anchor dragging me down. The only thing I have posted in my office is a picture of Snoopy saying.....as soon as I get up I see I am in over my head. Used to be a humorous thing I felt about life in general, now a much different meaning. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted July 30, 2016 Report Share Posted July 30, 2016 Mitch, Thank you for you thoughts. I have Al in my heart and I always talk about him every chance I get. But...somehow it is not enough! I have never had a feeling that he was here. No fans turning on, no cardinals or butterflies showing up. I have had a lot of medical problems since Al died, so maybe that stood in the way. I want so much to feel that he is here. Gwen,. I know what you mean about the incredible loneliness. I am sure that some of my problem is my age (77). I am trying to volunteer at a few places, but I really have to feel better to do that. Thinking about all the good times just makes me sadder that they will be no more. My grandsons is 24 and a really special young man. He had a seizure Thursday. Very fortunate that his brother was home. The CT, MRI and EEG all seemed normal. They are thinking it was an epileptic episode. Seeing a neurologist this week. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 30, 2016 Report Share Posted July 30, 2016 Gin, so sorry about your grandson. Way too young to have to be plagued by medical issues. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 There is so much heartbreak out there. I wish that I could take some of your pain away Gwen and Gin. I feel fortunate that my age and health are good right now because I think it helps me to see that my grief is easy compared to others grief. Having my son with me certainly helps too. I will say a special prayer for your grandson Gin. May God bless you both. May whatever each of you believes in bring you peace. For those who haven't found that 'whatever' I hope you will find it soon. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 Thanks Gwen and Marita. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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