My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

Today went totally downhill.  Melody was supposed to get her bordatella shot for when her sitters are gone for 4 days.  When they got to the vet she had a temp so they wouldn’t do the shot and didn’t have time for an exam as they were closing.  They tried an ER vet, but they were at capacity for the day and turned away.  Now it’s finding out if the boarders will take her with possibly only a day after a shot.  If they will, it’s another vet visit in hopes het temp was up from stress.  Common in dogs and it was a long drive in the car which she fears.  If this happens at the vet on Tuesday, there is no other option but to have her brought home.  
 

I'd love to have her home, but I don’t know how I would manage it when I can barely make it through the day for myself.  Dee said she would help.  And then do I send her back to the sitters?  This is a nightmare!  It’s been so hard without her, but I have to think of her best interests over my heart.  This coming week is already a phone appointment with the surgeon, a shower, OT and counseling.  Now I have no idea what will happen and tied up in knots.  Dee’s trying to keep me from losing my mind, but it’s a huge job.  *I* could be facing finding out being home is not working out.  I was already trying to keep that fear at bay.  
 

They say things can always be worse.  That’s an absolute truth.  I’m just trying to figure out why it keeps haunting me.  Of course my first thought is where is Steve?  All this with Mel would be such a non issue.  I’d be healing better and in a lot less pain.  Wouldn’t have aggravated the surgery and other joints.  I can’t avoid obvious things that have to be done.  I think of how much better I did in rehab as those are the very things Steve could help or do for me.  It’s standing with little or no support that is doing me in and I can’t avoid every day.  I guess if I gave up eating, getting glasses of water, getting my pants on, filling pill boxes.  
 

Sorry for the pity wallow.  I just feel so useless, that I may have compromised my healing and worried about Melody.  I’m supposed to be her protector.  I’m failing.  😢
 

 

[kayc]

I don't know either.  Her husband Mike is in the hospital since yesterday 3 am.  Not enough quarantine between then and Tues!  Pastor's wife now has it, church canceled again today, wasn't planning on going anyway.  I know 18 people with Covid, most live here and go to my church, 8 not vaccinated, the rest breakthroughs.  Doesn't seem good odds to me.  Our county said we'll hit herd immunity by Dec...umm, not looking likely to me!

Supposed to get a storm today, took shower last night and did laundry, got wood in yesterday, hoping it not a bad storm.

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, I'm sorry everything seems to be going wrong!  I'm feeling that myself with leaking roof, garage & shed rotting, hands hurting and not able to use for much, everyone I know down with Covid it seems, worried about my friends, my sister's multiple issues, I feel the world closing in on me.  I thank God for Kodie, my one bright spot.  I can only hope/pray for you and Mel and that all works out better than feared.  I feel helpless, wishing so much that I lived close enough to be of help to you, then laugh out loud at that thought as I barely get by myself!  Gone are the days we were able to help others as we want, that's what's so sad...I'll be 70 next year!  Where did it all go?  How is it my husband has been gone for over 16 years!

At least my doctor granted an allergy doctor referral, now to wait for someone to contact me...meanwhile it hurts to breathe, let alone eat/drink.

Dee is a blessing, I thank God she's there for you.  I know, it's not the same as Steve, not FT, but still, a help.

[Widow2015]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Sorry for the pity wallow.  I just feel so useless, that I may have compromised my healing and worried about Melody.  I’m supposed to be her protector.  I’m failing.  😢

Gwen: No apologies required.  I'm crying with you.  😪 You are doing the best you can, and that is all you can do.  Sending positive thoughts all will work out for you and Mel.  Hugs, Dee

[Kieron]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Sorry for the pity wallow.  

No apologies for the truth.  This sucks.  Like Kay, if I were closer, I'd be glad to do things that your pain won't permit you to do.

[Gwenivere]

Winds were more than expected.  My internet, cordless phone and TV keep getting knocked out as well as flickering lights.  Heard a loud thud on the ceiling I’m hoping is not a branch.  Fortunately things calmed down now.  Warnings in effect til Monday night.
 

Talked to Tommy about Mel.  Won’t know til tomorrow if the kennel will accept a late vaccination and Tuesday if it can be done with the stress factor.  Told them to have blood drawn although she is acting perfectly fine and healthy today.  Totally back in her routine.  If she has to come home, she would be dropped off Wednesday about 7-8pm.  As much as I adore her, I’d rather her be boarded than us both trying to adapt to a few days before she would have to leave again.  Sounds selfish on my part and maybe it is.  I can only do so much til I break.  Dee would stay over, but it will be weird for me and I know will be for Mel.  It’s been years I’ve had anyone here in the evenings.  I’m more used to that.  I’ve evolved into that.  It’s my new normal.  I don’t want anyone here at night or in the morning, contradicted that sounds for someone so lonely. 

Had a Zoom call and whine to my cousin before Dee got here. Church dinner is pasta, nice treat.

Talk to the doc Tuesday first thing when I get up.  That’s going to be very hard as I’m not mentally functioning even at my low level.  
 

Thanks for all your support.   
 

 

[kayc]

Winds to continue through Tuesday.  Electricity 0ut for 1/2 the town for a couple of hours, which also took out internet/tv/cellphones.  Mine flickered a couple of times yesterday but that's it, I was lucky.  Usually we're the first ones out and the longest in duration (snowpocalypse over 8 days, 18 w/o landline).

Praying for you, Gwen.  I hope it goes well with the doctor...

[Gwenivere]

One step closer on getting Mel boarded.  The place will allow it so soon before coming.  That leaves the vet tomorrow and how she does regarding the temperature issue.  I hope this works as I’ve played it over and over in my head having her home a few days, requiring Dee to be here, and it would be so hard.  I feel like I’m standing on a cliff as it is.  

Home health wanted to come out and give me the regular flu shot today.   I don’t want to take any chances of feeling worse than I do with what’s coming up this week which is all changed even if Mel doesn’t come home.  My only risk factor is Dee.  She’s the only one in here not vaccinated.  

Tomorrow will be a huge test.  Doctor call when I get up and a try for a shower at 2.  Then it will be what happens at the vet.  I’ve done and not done things that have made the pain worse.  I know most the things that will aggravate things and then find something else.  I don’t know how I would do PT.  I force myself to get up and down, but even in rehab, you spend so much time not doing anything. But there you don’t have to maneuver tight spaces.  Or spread out so much if you drop something you always have a pick up device.  
 

Big chore tonight is getting out some toothpaste.  In a bottom drawer, of course.  Dee was by with sandwiches.  She did a few chores.  Today was the start of no going into many places without proof of vaccination.  She said the CC was one.  People on both sides making a fuss.  
 

Can’t calm down.  Going to be a long night anticipating tomorrow.  Could use all good vibes the vet goes well.  🥺

 

 

[Widow2015]

16 hours ago, kayc said:

Winds to continue through Tuesday.  Electricity 0ut for 1/2 the town for a couple of hours, which also took out internet/tv/cellphones.  Mine flickered a couple of times yesterday but that's it, I was lucky. 

kayc:  Just got power back since last night @ 9:30 pm.  Huge tree down the hill fell on a house, and the neighbors new pick up truck taking power lines down.  At that time, no electricity so no internet, no tv; only had flashlights so went to bed.  Had I had matches I could have lit a  lone candle holder with a candle insert my son had thrown into a box as we were packing boxes.  When I moved I made the decision to not bring any candles since I tend to be forgetful in my old age.  Don't trust myself. LOL.  By the time I found the lone candle, my son's family had gone to bed so could not get any matches from them.   It must have been daybreak when a light came on in the kitchen.  My son had wheeled over the little generator we purchased a couple weeks ago.  I had electricity so the food in my refrigerator wouldn't be a loss and the rest of the day I had lights on and a radio for company.  My son's house has a large stationery generator that takes care of his home which keeps the well going for both homes.  This country living lends an interesting slant to my old age.   Kayc, how do you do it?  You are amazing.  Dee

[KarenK]

Sending all the good vibes I can muster, Gwen. Easy for me to say, I know but please try and remember that worrying about all this stuff does not change the outcome and only makes you more miserable. That bit of advice is sent with love.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Widow2015 said:

Kayc, how do you do it?  You are amazing.  Dee

I don’t know how you both do it!  Guess you don’t have a choice.  Candles are what I always relied on.  Can’t now.  I had a flashlight and tabletop bright battery light if needed.  No heat would have been tough too.  I hope the family was OK.  You have a good outlook.  Interesting slant indeed.  I think you’re both amazing!   

Karen, I try and push it out of mind and that will work somewhat for the night.  I know waking up is going to be bad.  All 3 things, doc, shower and vet are capable of changing things drastically.  Sorry, I’m still bemoaning while thanking you.  💕

[kayc]

I keep matches by the fireplace and have candles around if needed, can cook on the woodstove.  The cable to the generator is too heavy for me so neighbor would have to set it up but I keep the generator battery charged by running it 15 min. a week.  Can always pee in the trees if needed unless it snows deep and I can't get through it.  I have to keep a clear path to the woodpile, probably a couple hundred feet of shoveling snow, so glad it's just rain right now, esp. with these hands!

My neighbors are coming back after 13 days gone today, the storm plugged their driveway & yard with huge branches so I cleared them all yesterday and drug to their burn pile.  I hope it didn't repeat last night, it's too dark out yet to know.  II need to haul more wood up to the patio.  I love my wheelbarrow!  My best friend.

Peggy wants to add me on to her bank account, I still hear her viciously attacking me a while back so I don't welcome this but will do it because there is no one else.  When she says now that she trusts me, I take it with a grain of salt.  Dementia patients can turn on you at any moment with no reason but in their mind.

Iris wants me to stay with her Fri/Sat, I'll do it because she needs me but I hate taking Kodie there that long as "no dogs allowed on the furniture."  I'll miss our cuddle time.  People don't get what that means to us.  I'll probably fix some homemade chicken soup the day before as she'll be nauseous, she gets her port put in Fri. and starts chemo, they warned her she'll need someone with her the first 24 hours.  Don't know if Mike will be released before then or not, he needs to recover and get two negative tests first, that's only three days away.  I told her I could go get him if she's unable to.  His daughter is supposed to come the 2nd, four days later.  She's going to try to get the doctor's to give her her migraine shot ahead of time so she can come sooner but who knows with doctors, they don't always care what's going on in your life.

I hear you on this, good luck...

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

All 3 things, doc, shower and vet are capable of changing things drastically.

 

[Gwenivere]

Wow, tough day but everything accomplished.  Doc call went OK considering I was still in wake up la la land.  Still wants an X-ray at some point.  Next check in end of November.  She said my pain is understandable considering more I am doing and how different my set up is here.  Plus the odd feelings I get are reactions to it.  
 

Shower was tough but got done.  I spent most of the afternoon sitting to rest.  Pinning my hair up was a major event.  I realized if I do anything with both my hands, it takes all support away.  I have a finger that locks up too that is annoying.  Called about getting the regular flu shot so waiting to hear on that.  Also found out I may only have this home care for another month.  It will depend on how well I am doing and will require the input from my doc or the surgeon.  If I have to hire help, they do it in blocks of 3-4 hours.  Medical needs being covered would be good, but I don’t need someone hanging around for chores.  Cross that bridge later.

well, I was going to say all was a go for boarding Melody.  Went great with the boarder and vet.  Just got a call she sprained a front leg jumping out of the car and fell in a trench.  She’s on anti inflammatory meds and not wanting to put weight on it.  Now I’m all worried about her body.  Going to have to wait til the morning now.  Said she isn’t swollen or averse to it being touched.  They had her nails trimmed, but it’s pretty evident it’s from the spill.  They think the boarders will be OK with it.  I was so relieved earlier and now get to spend another night worrying if this goes wrong.  Dee’s out for a birthday dinner so I’ll wait to tell her there may be a hitch as I already said it was set. Tom and Elly are relaxed about it as they are leaving no matter what.  I’m just hoping so much that Mel is OK after some rest.  
 

I just don’t get why this stuff keeps happening, especially now that my back is worse from days of worry and stress.  Add in the shower too.  I know it’s just life, blah, blah, blah.  I feel singled and weird even making a big deal out of this.  So many people have big problems.  Then I remind myself this is my reality and it could turn out poorly.  These glimpses of little things possibly jeopardized are getting old as the months go by.  I know some here are in the same kind of chaos too.  I so feel for them.  We have no one to truly share the load anymore.  Friends are great, but it’s not the same.  I used to believe in karma.  Don’t anymore.  The worst things I’ve done to myself more than other people.  Or maybe I’m still paying for my foolishness and flaws of my past.  Sure seems a huge debt.  I think I was overcharged.

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m just hoping so much that Mel is OK after some rest.  

Gwen:  So sorry little Mel has an injury.  Will be hoping she will be fine right away.  It's so upsetting to know they are stressed or in even slight discomfort.  I can remember when I used to take Maddie to be bathed and trimmed.  She would get so stressed I decided no more and kept her bathed and trimmed myself.  She never looked as cute with my skills, but I didn't have to leave her distressed.  I was a total wreck until I picked her up from the groomer.  Hugs, Dee

[KarenK]

Gwen, I don't think there's an easy answer as to why all these things are happening to you. Many times over the years there have been time periods where something bad seemed to happen every day with no recovery time in between. Nothing devastating, just things that upset the norm. In 2000, my mother had her disabling stroke, Ron had most of his right foot removed, and Robert's wife blindsided him by meeting a guy online, hopping a plane, and flying off to meet him. Those things were devastating. Losing 2 of the 3 most important people in my world a year apart was so much worse. I think back over my adult life and realize there has always been some measure of drama and tragedy, some of which I brought on myself, some that just happened. As you say, I think it's just life. The outcome depends on how we handle it all. Some of us hit a lot of bumps in the road, and some have smooth sailing(or so it seems). I had a friend who used to compare it to always landing butter side up. I don't think people are "paid back" for anything in this life. That comes in the next one, if it exists.

[kayc]

Oh no, Gwen!  I'm so sorry to hear about Mel!  I hope her recovery goes well and swift, poor baby!  And I know you'd feel a whole lot better if you were able bodied and could be taking care of her yourself.  It's so hard, I can't think of anything worse than our baby suffering and not even being able to be there with her, through it.  

I don't think karma is responsible for what happens to us...someone recently said to a friend of mine that they wondered what I'd done so wrong as to bring all these difficulties on myself.  It hurt that someone was talking about me behind my back, that my friend told me, that someone is so ignorant as to think that.  I could think of all kinds of scriptures that refute this theory.

Harold Kushner wrote a book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," it was good, I read it years ago, someone else has a book out "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People."  I only know that it happens and it's not if, it's how we handle it, a challenge for sure.  I get my share, but we all know people in worse situations, I try not to wonder what else could go wrong, most of what we worry about doesn't materialize, so I try to stay in the present moment but I'm a worrier by nature so it's a struggle of mine to stay in this present moment.  My sister hurrahed me this morning when I said, "Ce la vie!"  That's more her nature.

Peggy's eye surgery did not improve her eyesight, that was unexpected.  We are very disappointed.  She still sees a blue light and a white light.  I'm thinking it's more macular degeneration as she let it go for five years untreated, she downplayed it to the eyedoctors, but I know the history of her timeline.  Treatment will help prevent further deterioration but it's looking like the left eye will continue blindness.  I think the "lights" she sees would drive me bonkers, I'm sure it does for her, perhaps an eye patch would help that?  Found out her post op is through the drive thru car window.  WTH!  What can they tell with that!  I told her to CALL them and TELL them she still has no vision, perhaps they could squeeze her in, in person...as usual, she's balking.  Okay, have it your way, don't listen.  WTH do I know. 

Karen, I agree although I feel more assurance about what's next, I couldn't handle this life, I don't think, without that.

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

18 hours ago, KarenK said:

I don't think people are "paid back" for anything in this life. That comes in the next one, if it exists.

I hope you are right.  My logic says yes, circumstances are just life.  It’s being alone so much that my thinking gets skewed.  I dreamt Melody was still with me and we were doing our usual things, none of this back stuff in the picture. Then I see her empty LR bed, toy box and water bowl on the counter.  Reality.  I have the same outlook on if something exists after this.  The only pay back in this life is our own justice system or ones that take things into their own hands.  
 

9 hours ago, kayc said:

I try not to wonder what else could go wrong, most of what we worry about doesn't materialize, so I try to stay in the present moment but I'm a worrier by nature so it's a struggle of mine to stay in this present moment. 

I wasn’t a worrier by nature beyond getting somewhere on time or if someone got hurt or sick.  (Leaving out fears of panic attacks because meds and stress were low then). When Steve got diagnosed, my worry gene got turned on and has never turned off.  I guess it’s called ‘borrowing trouble'.  Life changed so drastically and brought so much to worry about.  So many things I had no idea how to handle.  Having to learn and hope I made the right decision while emotionally compromised.  As age increased, more natural challenges started.  I know I can’t change the future, but I can’t help but worry, for example, about Mel’s leg and being in boarding.  Just like I can’t know the outcome of my surgery decision.  It’s discouraging to not feel any true control.  You do what you can.  But I notice I don’t hope for the best anymore.  I miss that.  I’ve had too many crushed.  I’m thrilled if I find something where I put it with my muddled brain.  
 

I envy people of faith.  Can’t force something I don’t feel.  They carry a warmth to sustain them thru trying times and the grief we carry.  I’ve known people on both sides of the coin.  Steve believed in God.  I never knew til he got sick.  He never did say what he thought happened after death or if he did.  
 

Dee, I only took one dog we had for professional grooming.  She was a mess for it so never did it again.  Vet told me they were basically self cleaning (not mud and such) and grooming actually starts a cycle that is bad for their coats.  Brushing and trimming we did ourselves too.  Only had to trim ones with long fur from mattes.  Even a groomed dog smells like a wet dog.  An acquaintance takes her 2 doodles even tho they hate it.  

[kayc]

Kodie no longer fits in the kitchen sink, although I bathed him in it night before last, I like it because I have a sprayer there, he's so good and cooperative.  Not sure how he'd do in the bathtub.  He knows there's a treat afterwards, that works wonders.  When him and Jazzy get covered in mud, I have no choice, otherwise he cleans himself.  Takes me about 1/2 hour plus all the laundry afterwards, a lot of water to soak up from his fur!

Gwen, my worries didn't start until about 23 years ago, loss of jobs, George dying, medical issues, life IS a struggle/challenge now!  Very different when we get older than when we were young.

[Widow2015]

My home had a small 1/2 bath that exited onto the back deck so there was warm water available to bathe Maddie in a plastic kiddie pool on the deck.  She was 70 lbs and her coat looks similar to Kodie's fur coat.  It took a lot of towels to get her dry since the noise from a hair dryer would upset her.  My yard was mostly fir trees, no grass, which meant lots of fir needles, pitch, etc. so I tried to keep her coat short as she would collect debris constantly.  I would be happy to have her back with all the mess.  Miss her so much.   Dee

[kayc]

I hear you on wishing her back, I totally get it and would feel the same, I'm still missing Arlie and Kitty and Miss Mocha, we were a family.  I'd do anything for Kodie, he's my life, the only bright spot.

My friend Iris, that I was going to take care of today/tomorrow...everything changed...the cancer place refuses to see her, do her surgery, or start her chemo because of her exposure to her husband/Covid, even though she tested negative, both tests and he has been in the hospital for six days.  THEN the hospital called, wanted her to come pick him up, still has Covid!  This could mean a death sentence for her as she's put off the treatment way too long anyway, now her breast is double in size and lymph glands probably going bonkers as cancer is in both.  I'm beyond sick at this latest turn of events.  She is only concerned about him, as is the case with your spouse and glad to have him home.  I'm praying a hedge of protection around her as she takes care of him.  I put a big pot of homemade soup in their refrigerator while she was going to get him, I will bring Kodie to play with Jazzy outside but won't be able to see them.  Mike and my friend, Dan, is very sick with Covid, can't eat, super weak, not improving.  Him and Mike both have ALL (Leukemia) and Diabetes.

[Widow2015]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm beyond sick at this latest turn of events.

kayc: My heart goes out to you and your friend's health issues.  Keeping you and them in my thoughts.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

warning, just another ramble for my mental health.  So grateful I can get it out, but boring for everyone.  Thanks, Marty, for this safe place.
 

OT came out today.  I have them another month and I have to be showing progress to keep them longer.  Found out that meant doing more than I do.  Biggest being showers at some point.  She had me get in mine from the side that is by the vanity. It was very difficult and I’d need a shower chair.  I can’t fathom getting dressed and dealing with hair on my own.  No bending, so how do you put on socks?  I’m not sitting in my chair to build my back muscles well.  The more I support myself by leaning on my hands, the more I stay stuck.  It’s a mess.  It was discouraging.  Left messages for the surgeon voice and mail.  
 

My fear is how hunched I am and how I would be able to walk like this.  A walker forever?  That wasn’t the goal.  I know I’ve compromised things by doing things I shouldn’t.  It’s hard to be vigilant of every single move.  Pain control is the biggest hurdle and I do not have enough.  
 

Tried to check on Mel and couldn’t get anyone to answer.  Left messages and never got a call back.

Dee came by for a couple hours.  It had been a couple of days.  Got a couple little things done.  She had gotten the flu and a moderna booster yesterday.  Just had an annoying headache.  I didn’t feel %100 from my flu shot.  Now that’s it later in the evening, pelvic joint is screaming and I’m pretty sure it’s from the test run getting in the shower.  
 

It’s time to split some pills and that will be torturous.  Have to sit at the table.  
 

It just never stops and I know in the morning I’ll go thru all the thoughts of why I’m bothering.  The OT woman told there are people that never get out of bed.  Don’t think I could do that, but sure see the appeal.  I’ll shut up now.  🤭. 
 

 

[nashreed]

Gwen, just the fact that you are getting up and not staying in bed is amazingly inspirational, and maybe you can't even understand how it can be, but I just want to give up- I'm tired of everything and a nonexistent future. But your perseverance and fight help me go about my day, because I'm just feeling sorry for myself and not in pain like you. I honestly look forward to your posts, because I want to know how you are. I appreciate the fact that you keep us informed, and its the little details and real moments that are endearing and make us love you.

You ramble on, Gwen. Ramble on.

 

[Gwenivere]

Forgot to post my post last night!  
 

 Kay, so sorry for your friends fights with medical issues.  We’re so helpless sometimes to do much.  The soup was very kind of you.  Eating is so often forgotten about.  Glad you can get the dogs together.  

[Gwenivere]

Found out today Melody will have to have surgery on her leg when Tommy gets home.  X-ray shows a ligament is torn.  So she will be facing recovery for weeks and we don’t know yet how soon it can be done.  Vets are all busy.  Got thru to the boarders and they are keeping her from active play times and someone comes in 3 times a day to sit with and brush her.  Said she was doing well considering the new experience.  It was good she was used to Tom and Ellie to be around new people.  Just sucks she was doing so good until this.  She was used to Tommy and his wife she’s become attached to too.  I’m so far away to being able to have her here.  
 

Lot’s of pain today.  Didn’t do much.  Dee came by and split some pills for me.  I couldn’t do it by hand but she could.  I’m still distressed by how slouched over I am.  Walked the hall a few times.  I think it helps, certainly better than long sitting.  It just tough to want to get up knowing how hard it will be.  I have to move things often so that means reaching.  All simple things....way back when.  
 

For all the good it did I called the OT woman about that shower experiment yesterday.  I’m very angry she even suggested it as today really has set me back.  How it messed me up and a shower chair isn’t possible without an aide. Tried adding the extra pain pill, but not sure it helped.  
 

Steve died 7 years ago today.  I had forgotten til I opened my mail and his buddy wrote me about missing him.  Coincidentally I had a dream of sobbing, didn’t know why.  So it was there, but I wish I didn’t notice til tomorrow.  It would still hurt deeply but not be THE day.  
 

finding about Mel just added to the despair.  I don’t know what it’s like to feel a part of a family right now.  It’s been months without Mel.  All I had.   
 

I feel numb inside.  Just lost in this reality.  I can’t even find the words for it.  All I do know is that being so alone is something I’m not sure I can keep doing.  And I don’t know what to do about it.  I don’t feel I am healing correctly.  It could be dumb ideas like OT's, I’m pushing things or doing them wrong, I just am afraid this won’t resolve well.  
 

I want Steve.  I’ve never needed to feel his love as I do now.  If he were here, I know in my heart so much of this wouldn’t be happening.  I don’t know if we’d have Mel, but if so, she wouldn’t be hurt.  I hate this anniversary.  They are black days now.  😰