My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

Gwen, I'm so sorry you're having such a lousy day, especially with the added sadness of the particular date.

What an awful thing for poor Mel. I hope she is getting anti inflammatory and pain meds. We've been through knee surgeries on both of Tatum's back legs. It is a long recovery and quite expensive. I hope her surgery will not be extensive. I know how bad you feel for her.

Not sure I understand the logic of removing your OT resources if you're not progressing fast enough for them. Obviously you're making progress or you wouldn't be moving around at all.

Ron had a shower bench, but it had no back support. Do you have grab bars to help you get up? I'm hoping an aide is nearby at least for the first time you try it alone. Don't know how you feel about shorter hair, but it could be a help to you for now. I gave up my long hair a lifetime ago.

Sure wish your days would get brighter.

[Ruby]

Gwen, what a dark day for you. I'm sorry. Glad to hear you're walking around some. Hope one of these days you'll turn a corner with the pain - can't come soon enough. Too bad about Mel, really not needed. But great she's adapted well to the sitters and boarding. They're really so resilient. When my husband was on life support at the end the facility allowed me to bring my dog (who had adored him forever) in to visit. Wanted him to understand he was dying and didn't just disappear. Don't know if that was the right decision or not. He understood;  heart-wrenching. Dogs are so empathic. When I have my breakdowns I feel mine both feel and understand the distress. Such a support. Sure hope it will eventually work out for you and Mel.

Kay, hoping the best for your friends. Thought of you yesterday when I was taking a walk in the woods. Saw a tree (many trees) aloof and alone; couldn't find those  trees entwined like a loving couple. 😔

[kayc]

Gwen, I so wish for some comfort for you, esp. on this day.  I know everything feels too much, the pain, obstacles, Mel's situation, and throw into the mix, anv of death day.  Try to find solutions for what you can, you can only do what you can do.  Can you afford to hire someone just to help you shower?  It might be worth it.  I'm glad you have people to take care of Mel so she can come back to you when able.  I'm so sorry she needs surgery, she will undoubtedly do well afterwards, dogs are amazing.  They don't know to give up.  No excuse for them taking their time getting back to you, a simple response would go a long ways.  I wish they understood how much it'd mean to you and your situation.  You're not on vacation, you'd love to have your dog, this isn't fair or right.

Peggy hasn't been able to wear socks for years because she can't bend down, a lot of hers is her weight and some residual from back.  She loved sandals year around because of her ingrown nails, but can't velcro them on so wears closed toe slip ons.  I wear suede clogs for slippers, you might try something like that, easy to slip on and walk in.

Using a walker isn't so bad, at least people can be ambulatory with them and Peggy uses hers to carry things as well as a spare seat at times.  She's been able to be off her oxygen lately which affords more freedom without "tails" getting in the way.  I was constantly worry about her tripping over it, esp. with her bad eyesight and lack of judgement/looking out for things.  It took Peggy a long time to heal from her back surgery, about a year before she was totally pain free but she did no therapy, did not try, did nothing to help herself heal. You, on the other hand, are doing everything you can.  She had her husband doing everything for her.  I would think your recovery time will be much less than hers.  I know the surgeries are different, but you put for the effort and show up.  At the end of the day, I'd think that would count for something!

You're in my thoughts and prayers, always.

My friends Mike and Iris and Dan are going through the fight of their lives, Dan in the hospital with Covid Pneumonia, he's 81 with Leukemia, Mike has same Leukemia and about your age but Covid hit him hard.  Iris may not come back from this cancer with this treatment procrastination, she may be giving her life for her husband.  It's all hard not knowing.

[Widow2015]

Gwen: There are no words I can find to ease your struggles except I am "so sorry".  😪 Please know you are in my thoughts.  A big HUG for you, Dee 

[Gin]

Gwen, I know it is a hard day today added on to all your other pain.  Thinking of you and wishing a little peace.  Gin

[Gwenivere]

Don’t have grab bars and can’t have them installed in this prefab shower without ruining the wall above it that would then require total repair.  I can hire a bath aide, but they can’t help you if you fall.  The reasoning behind progress with this company is if you’re not making much, then they aren’t doing much good for insurance to pay for.  I get that.  I think my condition is more complicated so don’t know my options.
 

Trying to get Mel’s X-ray to my vet.  Find out if they or their a referral office can do the surgery.  The cost will be phenomenal.  Recovery will be long as well.  I am grateful Tom and Ellie are willing to do this.  I have no one else.  They said they went thru it twice with their dog.  I keep having doubts I’ll ever see Mel again and try to keep them at bay.  Mostly from my erratic recovery.

Today is the day Dee lost her partner.  I thought she would want a private day but is coming over.  We watched Indiana Jones Last Crusade.  Actually felt normal for a little while.  Laughing together.  Fixed my jammed garbage disposal.  Didn’t get much walking in.  I’m so tired of pain.  
 

I’m worried as I feel like I am getting worse.  It could be that I’m just worn out and the daily repetitive things feel harder.  Day after day, it never ends.  I’m worried that that aggravated pelvic joint could be a big problem.  There’s no way I have found to keep it from feeling worse and reading says it could lead to surgery.  (I read the net too much perhaps) The mind goes to the worst when there is never relief.  I need to call PT and see what the thinking is on therapy if you are in added pain.  I’m hoping I can tolerate a shower.  Tho that is different movement than I am used to anymore.  
 

I'm not a good at home patient.  There’s too many things reminding me of what I used to do and was getting exercise so much easier.  Sleeping wasn’t perfect, but compared to how I feel getting up now, it was heaven.  
 

Speaking of which, it’s time to face another night and one day before the week kicks in with lots of stuff to tackle.  Something every day and I’m sure there will be more delightful surprises.  Should find out more about Mel. Just messed up my anxiety meds.  Now the night will be really off.   Drat.  

Halloween tonight.  Hope no one shows up.  Can’t close my driveway gate.  I really am a Debbie Downer.  

 

[KarenK]

Make sure you turn off your porch lights. That should discourage the kids from knocking.

The hardest part of Tatum's surgery recoveries was keeping her calm. Dogs don't know they are hurt. She wanted to run and jump. Wipe that idea of never seeing Mel again right out of your head. It just may be longer than you expected.

A bummer about the grab bars. I know they have ones that stick to the wall, but I'm not sure I would trust those.

Have you told the doctor about the pelvic pain? Don't read the internet. Lots of misinformation out there.

Sending a BIG hug.

[kayc]

You do have to be careful about Dr. Google, verify with medical personnel.

If you turn your porch light off, no one should come could put a sign on the door, disabled, to further discourage.  There used to be a sign you could get to put up but I don't even remember what it looks like.

You unstuck your garbage disposal?  Wow, that's quite a feat!  High five!

[Widow2015]

Yes, please Gwen try to think about seeing Mel again.  Like Karen says," put the thought of not seeing Mel again out of your mind".  My old lady brain used to visualize a shelf where I would place things I couldn't do anything about and focused on those things I could do something about.  It helped sometimes.

Good to read you and Dee spent an evening being "normal".  You are truly blessed to have her and your friends Tom and Ellie. 

When Maddie was recovering from one of her surgeries at Halloween, I put a sign on the door advising of my dog recovering from surgery; also closed blinds, turned off lights.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I wouldn’t trust the suction grab bars either.  Not for weight, they are for stabilizing when you are standing, not to help you do that.  
 

I didn’t do much today so that made getting the house ready for night and a couple exercise treks down the hall hard.  Dee dropped off the church dinner so we had to sort thru for stuff she could take to someone else.  She was the one that fixed the garbage disposal.  No way I could get down there and reset and free the motor jam.  
 

I’d like to have a more positive view about Melody.  I feel she will do well in recovery.  It is me that I’m concerned about as I’m not doing well or close enough to tend to her.  I’m her mom!  I try to keep in mind I’m only 2 months into this very major surgery.  The thought of 4-10 months more is daunting.  if I could just see some progress.  The harder days repeatedly wear one down.  So does the restrictions.  The point is I miss her so much.  The difference it would make to have her life force here.  But it’s not possible. Pet parents get it.  We sign on to be their protector.  I very much appreciate all your support.  It’s such an emotional time.

Seemed I was more stooped today than yesterday.   Really getting scared.  I’d hate to have to be re admitted.  That would mean something is terribly wrong.  I look at our family wall of pictures.  All smiling faces, our pets, 2 pictures of Steve and me as babies.  We’d always say.....who ever knew those newborns would become us?  

 

 

 

[kayc]

I got a phone msg from Iris last night while I was out getting firewood, she expects to schedule her port surgery/chemo and expects ME to take care of her, even while Mike is home positive with Covid!  I was too stunned to take it in.  I need to have a talk with her, this is expecting too much of a friend, to want them to be exposed to Covid knowingly.  I had agreed to take care of her when Mike was in the hospital with it and she'd told me he wouldn't be released until he had two negative tests.  This is changing the rules midstream, just as she did when she wanted ME to take HER car, HER belongings, HER dog during fire evacuation!!  I'd agreed to take care of their dog during vacation BEFORE we had the extreme heat and fire evacuations, NOT once we turned out to have the situation we did during the summer!  She was very pushy about it, even knowing we were about to be evacuated and I would have no place to take her dog (a full size Husky puppy).  I am still shaking my head at this preposterous expectation.  She knew when she brought him home from the hospital still sick, and when her cancer center canceled because of her exposure to Covid, how she can now intend to shove her way in, when even her own doctor's office won't see her...no.  I can't endanger my life for her, I have no one to take care of me and Kodie should I get it.

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

if I could just see some progress

I hope you can begin to...sometimes we can't see it in the middle of it, we look back to day one and then realize we have come a little ways.  I hope you can see this, you could not imagine being home on your own and yet you are doing just that.  Even with people coming in some.  You are making progress, it's just not at the rate you'd like, but don't discount what you've accomplished, you ARE doing it.  When Mel is at last home, she will be ecstatic and all will be well, dogs live in the present and don't seem to hold grudges, one thing I love about them.

[Gwenivere]

Started the week with too many phones calls to count, rarely connecting with anyone that could help so lots of voice mail meaning doing them over again.  Saw my PCP on Zoom.  He brought up the option of going back to an assisted living place which I do not want to do.  I need more, or SOME answers from the surgeon.  I told the rep there I feel abandoned as we went thru this last week.  Called another help place for stuff I have now if this home health pulls out in a month.  Forgot I’d have to make sure they are accepted by my insurance.  For being in a situation where I’m supposed to be resting and recovering, I sure am doing a lot more work. I just don’t know what to do anymore.  So many physical limits.

I moved around like usual not knowing if it will make tomorrow harder.  So want the shower.  I get so restless.  Move?  Don’t move?  It’s always a gamble.

Talked briefly with Dee.  She was having a tough day.  Yesterday was Day of the Dead and where she volunteers had a table with peoples pictures and personal stuff.  We’re both still recovering from our partners death dates Friday and Saturday.

I’m dreading going to bed as always.  I already know it will be another tough day.  Mel will be picked up and her surgery will have to be addressed.  

Going to rain for days.  Then daylight savings ending.  I’d rather be losing an hour than have another to feel as I do.  

Hugs to everyone.

 

 

[kayc]

Turns out Peggy will likely remain blind in the left eye, due to mac. degeneration, she saw my eye doctor yesterday, he's very good.  He hopes to save some vision in the right eye.  All because she ignored it for over five years.  If I hadn't pushed (once I found out about it) she'd go blind in both eyes.  This is what happens when you ignore everything.    Not good news but not surprising either.  I guess the cataract surgery was hoping against hope...

Gwen I didn't know yesterday was Day of the Dead, my heart goes out to Dee.  She's a wonderful caring person.

Got the check replaced that Kodie chewed up, need to take it to the bank before any paws find it. 

Please keep us posted on Mel, my heart goes out to her but it'll be her owner that hurts the most.  I understand your feeling abandoned, I think that is our general health care system anymore...along with everything else it seems.  

 

 

 

[kayc]

Taking Iris to her port surgery Thursday, have to leave here at 6:30 am so won't be able to do my diabetic groups that day.  Unless I get some brief time when I get back but it'll be an all day thing.  At least she won't have chemo then.  One thing at a time.  Still trying to avoid Covid, too many people taking chances and not understanding how quarantine rules work.

[Gwenivere]

I thought Iris was being exposed to covid from her husband.  Do be careful, Kay.  Especially in a closed environment like a car.  

[Widow2015]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

Turns out Peggy will likely remain blind in the left eye, due to mac. degeneration, she saw my eye doctor yesterday, he's very good.  He hopes to save some vision in the right eye.  All because she ignored it for over five years.  If I hadn't pushed (once I found out about it) she'd go blind in both eyes.  This is what happens when you ignore everything.    Not good news but not surprising either.  I guess the cataract surgery was hoping against hope...

kayc:  So sorry to hear Peggy's left eye is too far gone due to macular degeneration.  I have been fighting with the same disease since 2016 and am hoping not to let it totally take my vision.  Yesterday, I had an appointment with my glaucoma specialist since my left eye was reading high pressure.  Thankfully, due to prescribed eye drops, the pressure decreased considerably.  Next Tuesday, I will have another appointment with my retinal specialist for an injection in that eye.  The right eye, my good eye, received an injection last week.  I seem to be going to an eye doctor of some sort every other week.  It is sad Peggy ignored her vision.  I dread thinking about not being able to see and becoming a real burden on my family.  You are a blessing to Peggy and so many.  Hugs to you, Dee

[Kieron]

My fascination for Dia de los Muertos / Day of the Dead has grown with each passing year.  Here is a page of photographs of people dressed up for the festivities in Mexico City.  No gore or ugly images, just people wearing facepaint and costumes.

https://elchadsantos.tumblr.com/post/166987822761/day-of-the-dead-mexico-city-photos-instagram

https://elchadsantos.tumblr.com/post/665047101883990016/photos-elchadsantos-instagramcomelchadsantos

[Gwenivere]

Well, I wrote a post that’s disappeared.  It was the typical daily what went wrong thing.  My DVR lost its buffer so I lost the end of a movie I wanted to see.  
 

Got my shower, but it was tough with the added pain.  Then it was phone calls regarding Mel’s need for surgery.  Other issues came up around PT, insurance and home health care.  I tried to get info about doing PT with this added SI joint pain from the surgeon and got a reply that didn’t address my question if it could make it worse.  Had to write them back as I had just called them and what they sent was recommendations before this happened.  I don’t have an appointment til the end of November so need guidance til then.  The PA's are all out this week.  What about the actual doc?  Arg.  Like I’m supposed to know?  Not exactly something I want to guess about!  
 

 Like you, Dee and your sister, Kay.  These are things that really matter and have to be tended to.  I’m glad you’re being proactive, Dee, after hearing about Peggy.  
 

Looked at your links, Kieron.  Looked kinda gory painting to me.  But then, I dislike Halloween and stuff like that.  I read it is to symbolize death is part of life.  We can all relate to that here.  I feel like I live it every day.  Always will.  It’s supposed to be a happy celebration of memories.  I guess some do better at that than I do.  Commercials are starting to be painful as the holidays gear up.  Family and loved ones for those that fortunate.  I so desperately want to be making new memories.

 

 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I thought Iris was being exposed to covid from her husband.  Do be careful, Kay.  Especially in a closed environment like a car.  

He's past the quarantine time and to the regaining strength stage, she is still negative, she drove the long trip to the valley yesterday for testing, they wouldn't test her locally as she has no symptoms.  Will still mask up to be safe.

13 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

I seem to be going to an eye doctor of some sort every other week. 

Oh boy do I understand that, it seems she's going in weekly!  This is nothing to mess around with.  I can't imagine not having my eyesight.  I have two sisters that are blind for all intent and purposes, one still has her husband and Peggy did for 50 years but not now.  She never dreamed she'd outlive him, he took good care of his health but unfairly, cancer got him during Coronavirus times.  She thought if she didn't take care of herself she would die first, nope.  It sure does affect quality of life though.  The genes in our family stubbornly dictate 90+ years in our family...all but our dad.

Gwen it sounds like you have a fulltime job dealing with medical for yourself and your Mel.  You're in my thoughts...

 

[nashreed]

Yeah, that Day Of The Dead stuff freaks me out. You hear about it a LOT living in Southern California. Mexicans will use any excuse to have a party (I'm a quarter Mexican, so it's not an insult, just a fact). If you have a ton of family and friends around, celebrating the dead with the living has appeal, but my family doesn't "party".  At the end of November, I would love for it to be become January. My anniversary and Annette's birthday are just before Christmas. 

[Gwenivere]

My dark times are beginning, even literally with the time change coming.  Started with with Steve’s passing in October, then our birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas and culminating with our wedding anniversary in January.  Usually I’m not laid up and have my kid to make things semi tolerable.  This sitting around with way too much time to think is horrid.  December is also my mother’s birthday and passing month too. Have forgotten my dad's loss date.  I count that as a blessing.  
 

Heard back from the surgeons office.  Tidbit of help I am to keep using the walker, that’s normal.  Didn’t answer about how much more pain and hunched over I am.  Said I could try PT for upper body.  Looking like I’ll have to get that X-ray as things just feel wrong.  It’s affecting eating and any weight bearing worse since getting home.  I woke up so shaky today and it stuck.  Usually gets better.  
 

Had grief counseling.  Dee showed up right after so I was a bit down.  I told her I feel I am so dependent on her and needed to know if she was OK with it.  Our friendship comes first.  She said all was good.  
 

OT coming by today.  Not sure why.  Forgot a social worker is coming Friday as well as my housekeeper.  my desk computer wants me to back up to the cloud.  Watched a vid Norton sent and I was lost.  I’m sure it would be easy for Steve and other tech geeks.  Just planted a seed of something that could break.  Made me miss him yet again.  Miss Mel.  Miss my birds.  Tired of talking to myself.  

I already know I don’t want to get up in the morning.  Spending a day getting hot, spacey and pain any time I am up is not pleasant.   Waking up feeling sick too.  Thanks again, Marty, for this place to just get it out.  
 

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, were you ever able to get the taller walker that you mentioned a while back? That might be one thing to keep you from hunching over.

I guess the upcoming holidays dump a bit of darkness on us all. My would be 49th anniversary is coming up on Nov 19. I often think of the crazy way we met sitting at the stoplight. Fate is a funny thing.

Finally got around to making my appt. for the cataract surgery evaluation. First available appt. that fits with my son's schedule is Dec 21. Will also have to discuss the financial aspects. If insurance doesn't cover all of it, I'll probably have to forgo the surgery. I pay a high premium for my insurance so will find out if it's worth it.

[Ruby]

Interesting, Day of the Dead. My husband was from Europe and his family celebrated All Saints Day by placing chrysanthemums (the bigger and more beautiful the better) on graves of their loved ones. I "celebrated" by picking up a couple mums from Home Depot. Yeah, tough days ahead, fast forward to January. Best to all. 

[kayc]

Have to leave earlier, they changed the surgery time so now have to pick her up at 6 am, drive 1 1/4 hours through dark, high winds, pouring rain.  Getting groceries for both of us, one thing for yourself, something else when you're unsure of the items or where they're located.  Praying no accidents, trees across the road, elec. out, etc. today.  Will feel relieved when the day is over.

Mike looks twenty years older, oxygen, pale, no energy, he's feeling down about, well, his being able to do things as a man, can't see, unable to take care of his wife, etc.  He fixed breakfast for them yesterday and then had to rest before he could eat it.  I feel so bad for him, I told him he'd be better and get his (third) corneal surgery and see.  Sometimes we run out of patience.  It's hard being in that situation, like Peggy and Gwen and Mike...