My Sanity Needed Vents

[Widow2015]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Generator 10,000 watt, uses a lot of gasoline so would only run it enough to keep refrigerator cold, cook, flush toilet, etc.

Kay:  I envy your ability and knowledge to carry on under so many difficult situations.  Not sure how many watts my generator is or how much gasoline it uses....my son did say it is pretty good on gas usage.  See how helpless I am.  My top concern is the need to run refrigerator.  Hate the thought of throwing away spoiled food.  Since I am on my son's well and he has one of those automatic generators built into his house, I can flush toilets.  No hot water since my propane on-demand hot water system is turned off, it creates havoc with generator.  I have enough blankets and warm clothes to keep me warm since I don't have a fireplace.  My propane cook stove will keep me fed should I run out of peanut butter and jelly.  Yesterday, gives me something to think about as we approach the winter months when another power outage occurs.  Never thought at 80 years of age I'd become a "pioneer woman" kinda sorta. 😁

 

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Watching the news has been horrid for so many the past few days.  

  Gwen:  Yes, the flooding is so awful for those further North and near rivers.  My son's property is not near a river, but the trees cause the outages.  Good you didn't lose power.  

Wishing your day is manageable for you.  Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

Started my day by falling out of bed.  Didn’t prop myself up right and rolled onto floor.  Fortunately on my hands and knees, not my back.  Hard to get up, but didn’t feel I did damage.  I got thru the shower.  Then it was waiting for the surgeon to call as I had gotten a message he was going to.

Wound up Gran Torino while waiting.  He said he didn’t see anything in the X-ray to be too concerned about, the alignment was right.  He couldn’t be sure a screw was moved or not.  Now I’m looking at a CT scan so he has more info.  Great.  I have to lay down flat for that, much less the travel back and forth.  He did say sitting as I do, supporting myself on my elbows at the counters and lifting my weight off my spine by my palms on the counter was OK.  So, it was some info and now the need for more.  I may be housebound, but this is not the way I want out.  I forgot to ask if I needed to keep the early afternoon appointment I have a week from Monday.  I got to ask him what I wanted to know and he told me the X-ray info.  Doubt I’ll have the CT done by then.  
 

A recliner would be good to ease the pressure on the surgery. It would make using my iPad very difficult.  Also not practical in my living room.  I’d need an electric one as I can’t a lever like the one in Steve’s office.  I can get it reclined but not back down.  I only sit in it for brief periods when Dee is here to get me upright.  
 

Dropping into very low temps looking forward.  Always a challenge with bedding.  Have to decide on the electric blanket for my housekeeper.  Upper body gets hot, feet freeze.  More that was not a problem way back when.  But then, lots wasn’t
 

 I know it’s going to be another long night.  Feels more painful doing my usual, but then I did fall and do the shower workout.  Have counseling Wednesday and Dee will be by bearing burritos and some dollar store things.  She found the library had many movies I wanted, will have to ask if she can get them.  

Saw Washington made the national news from the rains and floods.  

As the days continue getting dark so early, this ‘recovery' having me so frightened, loss of ability to do the simplest things, I so crave those I’ve lost.  I remember feeling I was forever changed years ago.  This proving it true.  Day after day.  I know I keep saying it, but I miss my kid.  To feel that soft fur and loving eyes.  

 

[kayc]

Re my trip to allergy specialist yesterday:
No answers, wants me to see a gastroenterologist (cancer? Candida? Infection?) I've already been on a broad spectrum antibiotic, it didn't help, I take Acyclovir, it hasn't helped, I went through double thrush treatment twice, that didn't help, the only pics I've found looking like it are thrush and allergy. I'm discouraged and scared, I welcome prayers. Also wants me to see ENT, my friend's had the same thing for over two years and been to countless ENTs with no help from any of them.

I dropped by my sister's Sunday, needed to get home to Kodie so in a hurry and she drops a bomb on me...she wants me to just take Bert's ashes with me and dump them at the park, over the bridge.  WHAT???!!  I asked her, don't you want to BE THERE when his ashes are scattered???  She said, "He's not there..."  Okay.  I feel I wasted my time/effort having my neighbor make this beautiful wooden box for his ashes.  I feel the way she's handling this doesn't show proper respect and honor to her husband of 50 years!  I was floored.  I didn't take them.  I STILL think it should be planned and she should be there.  Am I wrong for feeling this?  I feel I have more regard for him than she does!  I don't get it.  I need to discuss this with my other sisters but Julie's going on a cruise, TG, her bdy, etc.  Right now I have my own issues at hand with my health greatly concerning me and no one to help or care.  It's been 14 months, she can wait a little longer, my sisters might want to be there for this, even my brother although he rarely is.

Gwen, so glad you didn't do damage when you fell!  Still, must have been scary!  It sounds like the report from doctor is good but maybe this just takes a long time?  I know it took my sister a year to heal.  But she's never done for herself and had Bert to do it so didn't make effort.  And all back surgeries are unique, one thing they have in common, they're not easy or fun and hard to recoup from, lengthy healing.  You are doing amazing to be on your own.  I feel a wus when it comes to dealing with major health issues all alone, that's why I'm terrified of the C word.

Dee, I had no idea you were 80, you have 11 years on me and I'm already feeling it...

Went out at 6 am and got a load of wood in, it's definitely below freezing, 27 degrees.  It was slightly above freezing yesterday at 33, ramp was frozen/slippery.  Always colder there.

What I wouldn't give to have George here...

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I miss my kid.  To feel that soft fur and loving eyes.  

Oh how I wish you could have her!!!  I literally seem to live for Kodie, woke up thinking about him and he crawled over to me and loved on me.  That's the one thing that keeps me going, fighting my best to stay alive/well for him.

[Ruby]

Kay, wish you’d have gotten some resolution instead of a health scare! Always so stressful waiting for news. You do so much for others. Well wishes and prayers definitely on the way for you. 

[Widow2015]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Started my day by falling out of bed.

Oh my goodness Gwen, so glad you didn't do damage.  I am impressed you were able to get up by yourself.  You struggled but you must have some strength.  I am sure it was painful though. 

I so wish you had a recliner.  I have the type that doesn't have a lever nor is it electric.  I just lean back and push the arms which raises the foot rest.  I use my upper body strength and arm strength to push.  Not sure this would work for you if your arms/shoulders aren't strong enough.  The electric ones are nice. 

I know you miss your Mel.  Their snuggles and sweet faces make so much difference in our lonely lives.  Keep hoping you will have her back with you. Hugs, Dee

 

 

[Widow2015]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

she wants me to just take Bert's ashes with me and dump them at the park, over the bridge. 

Kay:  I can imagine your disbelief when Peggy said this to you.  I am confident this is the dementia symptoms taking charge.  Just my opinion from some of the things I heard my Mother say when she had dementia.  Words came out of her that were so different from the Mother that raised me.  Maybe Peggy will forget she said anything to you tomorrow about the ashes.

Your allergist's appointment sounds devastating.  Keeping you in my thoughts that what he is asking you to do will find a solution for your discomfort.  Could you get a second opinion from another allergist?  Probably easier said than done now adays.  Take care. Dee 

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

I STILL think it should be planned and she should be there.  Am I wrong for feeling this? 

No, I don’t think you are wrong.  This is her husband and she needs to be present for whatever happens.  I had Steve’s ashes for years before putting them under a tree we planted for our fathers.  Some of my moms and Ally is there too.  We have a special bush for the kids, but Ally was my rock after Steve so she belonged with him.   None are the person anymore, but it’s the symbolism that is sacred.  
 

11 hours ago, kayc said:

I feel a wus when it comes to dealing with major health issues all alone, that's why I'm terrified of the C word.

We are all terrified of facing aging and maladies alone.  I know you have strained relationships with your family.  You don’t feel they would rally around you if something dire happened?  That would be horrible.  I understand your frustration  with the docs you have seen and no answers on your ongoing thrush and you’re having to self diagnose.  That increases the anxiety and fear.  Using the web has taken me to places I wish I could unsee.  Or peoples opinions that aren’t medically qualified.  Then we run around crazed both mentally and physically.  I wake up every day feeling paralyzed by many unknowns regarding how I feel.  I have been given medical options to check, but now am so limited and afraid to do them.   It’s an inner aloneness that creates more fear we don’t need.  I’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to punch my way out of this box for a very long time.  
 

11 hours ago, kayc said:

You are doing amazing to be on your own. 

No, I’m actually not.  After talking with the surgeon, it led to getting a CT scan early December.  Maybe protocol, but it seemed from my not at least stabilizing and feeling worse.  Had to make an appointment for that, no walk in like X-ray or lab. I’m hoping I didn’t hurt myself with that fall.  I couldn’t sleep well this morning.  Long anxiety attack and very hard to feel stable getting thru morning routines.  If I had to do this waiting feeling like I was holding steady, I’d still be challenged mentally, but know it was OK and on the right path.  
 

Can’t imagine having to haul wood in, Kay. Someone was asking me if it was as bad in Oregon as we got slammed here.  I didn’t know as I only hear details of local weather.  We’re getting close to night freezing temps now.  
 

OT and a nurse coming out Thursday.  Housekeeper Friday.  I want people here, but I don’t.  It’s so very weird.  Dee was by with some things and burritos for us both.  Did a few little tasks.  I didn’t have much input for conversation having sat all day.  At least she had some input.  Everyone I talk to does.  It’s like watching life pass you by.  The things important now are if  something is where I can reach or hope I can stand, sit or walk long enough to accomplish some minor chore.  

Another day, another whine.  I try to keep them shorter, but I have so much time.   Thanks for being there.  ❤️
 

 

[kayc]

Peggy is in lala land.  The "caregiver" hired someone to help her and cleaned out Bert's room.  Ruined the drapes, so had to reorder more, then have them shortened.  They threw their old t.v.s out by the garbage, trashman won't take!  Now not fit for recycling!  I don't see her cleaning at all, of course Peggy is probably calling the shots.  I have to let go as it'll drive me nuts.

Found out Peggy and Bert have not cleaned behind their refrigerator for 40 years!  How it's still running I don't know.  She said it's too heavy to pull out, it went in, it should come out.  This is what you hire people for if you can't do it yourself.  I do mine.

Twice I've brought her mouse bait stations and the first time she said it disappeared (caregiver threw away?) the second time she said the mice bashed it in, made her laugh and she threw it away.  ???  I've been setting out poison for years w/o such issues.  I think she must have stepped on it and didn't realize it.  Anyway, I give up.  If a mouse chews up her refrigerator I guess she'll have to buy a new one.  Sigh...

It is very cold here, I'm going threw twice the amount of wood now.  Plus we've had windstorms, I've picked up a lot of branches.  

My son wants me to drive there five times in Nov/Dec, cannot do this time of year, 2 ballet recitals and something else my granddaughter is in, night/weekend, TG, Christmas.  I can never plan ahead in winter, they just don't seem to get it.  No AWD.  Bad enough trying to make doctor/dental appts which are scheduled far ahead of the weather.

I don't know of a worse thing to have to deal with than dementia, it is so frustrating when you're trying to help them!

Gwen, I'm sure glad Dee is there for you.  Doctors/medical system can be very frustrating, can't it!

[Gwenivere]

Just can’t catch a break.   Found out today my home health is terminating the end of next week.  Now I have to set up with a new company.  That requires a referral from my doc or the surgeon.  New people and schedules.  More time on the phone getting it set up.  All the while trying to survive the pain of living thru a day.  Then the state called to move my covid booster a week out.  Don’t really want it as is, the rep said she was knocked down a couple days again like after the 2nd shot.  I have Phizer so it’s a full dose.  Maderna people only need a half dose.  Dee had to get a full dose as she had the J&J shot.  I’m just so tired of things being changed.  My calendar has so many things scratched out.  
 

After the OT woman gave me the news and nurse changed a dressing on my back and the calls to the new companies, I zoned out and watched Bohemian Rhapsody.  Every time I got up I was stressed, in pain and it was hard to breathe.  They told me my walker is not supporting my weight.  It’s just providing balance.  So I’m really walking with all that pressure all the time.  The regular walkers do that, but don’t move on carpet without lots of power to push it.  Explains why it is worse.  I’ve been walking weeks without true support.  No wonder I did so well in rebab.  Talked to Dee and housekeeper coming tomorrow.  She’s going to do shopping for dinners for next week.  Just wish this stuff felt good.  
 

I’m so tired of being trapped and unable to do much.  I need to change socks because what I’m wearing has a big hole.  Simple if you can bend.  Right after surgery I appreciated all help.  After months you begin to feel discouraged and hating to ask for it on little stuff.  Fuels the feeling something is wrong.  

 I’m making plans to have stuff ready to go if I have to go to the ER.  Wouldn’t want to leave anything here I would need if they kept me.  This is just getting too nuts.  Every move planned or routine.  Worry about any kink becoming a huge production.  

This is redundant in so many ways.  It’s such a haven here.  It’s comforting to know there is a place I can say anything.  Guess I’ll see if I can enjoy my fav burrito.  Have it with a side of pain....Er, salsa.  
 

 

[KarenK]

We used to enjoy going to our favorite Mexican restaurant(same one for 40 years, although there are tons of them here). Same for you when you lived in Albuquerque probably. My favorite is mixed green burro, enchilada style. Ron liked Chile rellenos. Did take out a few times after he left, but it's too pricey for 3 of us, so we get stuff from a small drive thru place nearby. Food is okay, but doesn't compare.

I wonder if your walker is the source of all the prolonged pain after all. If so, what can you do?

Robert got all the stuff for our Thanksgiving which we'll have on Wed. as he's off that day. I'll never forget all the great dinners Ron fixed for us. Now it's just another day with a lot of food.

Then Christmas is looming. Oh joy!....NOT. Always a puzzler trying to figure out what to get the guys. I'm sure they're sick of sox and underwear. Can't think of anything I want or need except a new set of eyes and teeth. Age showing for sure.

[Widow2015]

8 hours ago, KarenK said:

We used to enjoy going to our favorite Mexican restaurant(same one for 40 years, although there are tons of them here). Same for you when you lived in Albuquerque probably. My favorite is mixed green burro, enchilada style. Ron liked Chile rellenos.

Karen:  My husband and I went to our favorite Italian neighborhood restaurant so often or he'd pick up one of their amazing pizzas and bring it home.  After he passed I could barely drive past it without breaking down in tears so never tried going inside again.  Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes.  

 When we'd go to Mexican restaurants he'd order some big combination plate of Mexican Food and sometimes it came in a sizzling pan.  Don't remember what it was called.  I usually ordered the Chile Rellenos. I couldn't stop eating the basket of chips with tomatillos salsa while downing a Margarita.  So miss those simple times together.

9 hours ago, KarenK said:

Robert got all the stuff for our Thanksgiving which we'll have on Wed. as he's off that day. I'll never forget all the great dinners Ron fixed for us.

Good to see you and family will be celebrating Thanksgiving together.  I feel the sadness as you do of the past Thanksgiving.  My husband delighted in cooking the turkey and would help me prepare the side dishes if I felt I was running out of time.  For so many years the Holiday Meals were in our home.   

9 hours ago, KarenK said:

Can't think of anything I want or need except a new set of eyes and teeth. Age showing for sure.

If you find a store to purchase a new set of eyes, let me know.  I have those at the top of my wish list too ... since I can't have my husband with me.  

The other afternoon around 4:30 pm my grand daughter and her mother came over and as they walked in they said come look out your window, there are about 5 deer in the neighbor's field.  Even though it wasn't dark yet, I could not see them.  They blended in with the grey and rainy landscape. 

I remember you mentioned your cataract surgery.  Anything new about the surgery ?  Dee

 

[Widow2015]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I’m just so tired of things being changed.  My calendar has so many things scratched out.

Gwen:  I agree.  My old brain can't keep up with all the changes.  I am at the point I am afraid to open my email or pick up my mail to see what has changed.   You are too young, but I would love to be able to live in the late 50's again with one rotary telephone, no television and no computer and we felt safe to be outside in our neighborhood anytime of the day.  Dee

[KarenK]

Dee, it sounds like Bob was ordering fajitas for dinner. They are served that way.

I was probably around 8 when my aunt and uncle got the first tv in the family. I was told that I sat for hours in front of it(as I do now). I was the only one who could stop the picture from rolling. Everyone else was hesitant to touch the various buttons on the thing. Boy have we come a long way!

My cataract evaluation is on Dec. 21. Then I'll find out if I can afford the surgery and go from there.

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

My cataract evaluation is on Dec. 21. Then I'll find out if I can afford the surgery and go from there.

🙏🤞 Hoping for good results for you and your vision.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I don’t think I’d want to go that far back, Dee.  But I do think about how we lived thru the 70’s til all this technology became the big thing.  Only had a landline, no cable or satellite,  biggie was a VCR with a corded controller.  Can’t imagine no TV even if limited by today’s standards.  The world kept humming along.  I notice on the news many stories contain reference to social media and cell video for trials.  More justice is served, but I didn’t pay attention to that in my younger days.  Too busy living to watch news.  When people wanted to talk, they actually had to!  Used to write letters, not email.   I’m sure it’s from age, but I never felt lonely like I do now.  Plus Steve was there too.  
 

I only went back to our fav Mexican restaurant 2 times for take out.  Cried all the way home. Haven’t been to any restaurant since he passed.  Had many favorites at our place.  Think you are talking about fajitas.  
 

12 hours ago, KarenK said:

I wonder if your walker is the source of all the prolonged pain after all. If so, what can you do?

Very big unknown.  Don’t really have any options.  Pain meds aren’t a solution.  Not that they’d give me any more than the meager they have.  It’s not getting better and that is the scare.  Now I have a leg that jerks when sitting.  Am so tired I can barely see how I’ll get thru another day.  Mostly thinking why do I have to?  It’s just going to repeat again.  
 

2 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

My husband delighted in cooking the turkey and would help me prepare the side dishes if I felt I was running out of time. 

Same here.  I never had anything to do with the turkey.  He made his turnips since I wasn’t a fan.  It was the sharing the kitchen that was the 'feel good' of the day.  Now it’s just a day.  It being my birthday this year will be tough.  Used to feel special that day.  Everyone I knew is gone now.  Just my grief counselor who sends a card usually.  My Dee is here, but it’s not the same.  No family calls.  
 

Very strange day.  Weaker than usual and didn’t do much moving around with both Dee and my housekeeper here.  Started my day with a horrible dream regarding a dog we had a long time ago.  Lost her and couldn’t find her anywhere.  With all the activity, I didn’t make any calls for new home health.  Not moving around had me very shaky.  Dee even noticed when I walked her out and stayed while I did a couple laps in the hall.  I don’t have any way to build core strength.  I did a few things after she left but it was scary.  I’m dreading Saturday as I’ll be alone all day with dark thoughts and physically scared.  I’m staring at the TV not even liking what’s on.  Sleep is going to come and go so fast.  
 

I hope you all have a good one.  💕
 

 

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

You are too young, but I would love to be able to live in the late 50's again with one rotary telephone, no television and no computer and we felt safe to be outside in our neighborhood anytime of the day.

It was like that when I was growing up in Eugene, when I was born in 52 it was population 30,000, beautiful clean air, a valley surrounded by soft rolling hills, lots of green trees around, we had fields to fun and play in and crime was unheard of.  It's certainly not like that now.  It's one reason I live where I do now, in the mountains, lots of trees, fresh clean water and air, deer and elk abound.  Crime has taken over the cities everywhere it seems so thankful for the country!  But it has it's drawbacks especially as I age, w/o local medical care, hospitals.  It doesn't pay to get old.

They did get a t.v. when I was a child (we had an antennae and us kids were the "channel changers", ha!  No remotes back then, nor color), before that everyone gathered around the radio and my dad had a phonograph, kind of looked like this:

 

 

[kayc]

The gov't agency I called to find out what's in my nasal spray and if it could be causing this (another kind is known to but different ingredients), I spent an hour on the phone with them Thursday, he said he'd take down my info and escalate it, yesterday someone called me back, said they will not escalate, all they give is common side effects, will not give all of them.  I am so angry!  They don't care about my suffering!  Makes me wonder if they are funded by taxpayer dollars or worse...drug companies.  I can't believe the lack of help I've gotten, meanwhile I suffer and am scared.

Gwen, I get your taking a day off from making calls.  How is Mel doing?  Any news on her fracture?

[Gwenivere]

Did you Google your nasal spray?  I’ve also found pharmacists helpful on drug side effects.  I also saw that consulting a dentist is an option.  
 

Taking the day off from calls was good and bad.  The agency I’m with gave me little notice next week was the last.  I didn’t remember it was 60 days.  Now I’m under the gun to get another.  Things do feel worse from the fall last week.  That creates another problem.  If this calls for another surgery, it’s not something I think I can handle.  Can’t keep going without either.  All I know is this is a living nightmare.  
 

I got an update on Mel.  She is doing well and really settled in with her sitters.  I’m glad for her.  I haven’t seen her for so long.  It’s not a fracture, it’s a torn ligament and no telling when the surgery will be.  If I ever see her again, it’s going to be a long time.  My big fear, I won’t get her back.  The update has me torn up.  They have so much time to give her.  

Being the weekend I can’t really call for advice on how I’m feeling.  On call docs would just say go the to ER.  I’m afraid they’d want to keep me and tho they can’t force me, I’d get that scan in with massive protocol.  I don’t know if it makes sense, but the thought of going there is too much.  Dee called and has plans she would drop, but I don’t want to do it anyway.  It’s what makes sense to do but I just can’t do it, yet.  I can’t cry that used to help.  Before it would relieve stress of done deals.  I’m caught in circles of stuff to do.  It’s very frustrating.  I slept askew for awhile. That can really mess ya up.  

I was hoping for the usual bad Saturday night.  Tried being more active and waiting til nap time and the d*mned rat I hadn’t seen in a long time ran behind the TV set up.  I’m fed up with problems.  I wrote Dee I want D Con.  My care for humane traps is gone.  Dee called right away and said at.....what else can go wrong?  I said don’t ever ask that question.  Saw it again after dinner go under the dryer.  Crazy old lady me told it go wherever for now, I just don’t want to see you.   Just as I typed that, it came out again.  

I’m hoping I won’t be shaky all day, but know better.  It’s so annoying.  Church night dinner.  Maybe a Zoom call.  Craving pizza.  Haven’t had any in forever.  Hope everyone has the best day possible.  💖


 

 

 

 

[kayc]

Yes I googled it, called gov't agencies, they only list COMMON side effects.  Another nasal spray can cause this but the one I'm on, haven't been able to find out as the gov't won't cooperate.  I can't afford to go through the dentist as my ins. won't cover it.  Has to be a doctor they cover.

Got my tree up, it was very hard, not sure how long I can keep doing this, but I put it up in George's honor, it's a memory tree, also put up his stocking I made for him.  Memories, brings tears.  Kodie gave up his spot by the window.  Sorry, not a photographer at all!  Also the turntable cover my son crocheted me displaying a Keto Cinnamon Roll Pancake, and one blurrier one without.  It's hard being alone heading into holidays, so glad I have Kodie, wishing you could have Mel home.  I wish the gov't would pay for a caregiver so you could have her home.  They'd save $ in the long run by doing so, but I wish that for my sister too.  No one wants a caregiver hanging around though.  Peggy told me her caregiver was going to throw out all of her special ornaments in her hope chest!  She told her NOT to touch them!  She said she did not tell Julie to throw out her cookbooks, don't know which to believe, Julie's never been honest and Peggy has dementia.  But sorry for the situation.

I hope you have something good in your day, something good to eat, something good on t.v., some relief from the pain.

I'm glad Mel is doing well but at the same time know how hard this is on you.  Sorry I mis-remembered what the injury was.  Ligaments are just as hard if not harder.  Poor little girl. 

Church night dinner, it'd be nice if someone brought you a meal on their way home.  I know how it is to try to go it alone.  

                                                                                                                   
Can you get pizza delivered?  We don't have any here even if I could eat it, but I made Keto pizza night before last.   I do my best but BS still too high for my liking, I try so hard.

I have D-Con, electronic traps, glue traps anything to catch the mice.  My friend Jim has rats too.  Hoarder across the street, never had them before.  That's what got the mice started here, neighbor long gone, place torn down, nice new one in it's place, but still have the mice hanging around and in the winter they like to sneak inside.  Haven't seen one since I went after one with a poker and scared poor Kodie to death...he thought he was next!

                  

[MartyT]

Kay, your tree is beautiful! Kudos to you for being determined enough to put it up and decorate it! Wanna come and do mine now?! ❤️

[Widow2015]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Craving pizza.

Gwen:  HA!  I too crave pizza weekly.  On my last birthday my family asked what I wanted for birthday meal and I chose pizza.  I love it warm and it is great cold for breakfast the next day.

Sorry you still have an uninvited house guest.  Hope you can get him soon.

I know you are worried about Mel but it must give you some comfort knowing she is being well taken care of.  Keeping you in my thoughts.  

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Got my tree up, it was very hard, not sure how long I can keep doing this, but I put it up in George's honor, it's a memory tree, also put up his stocking I made for him.  Memories, brings tears. 

kayc: Your tree is so pretty.  Kodie was very considerate to give up his window.  I might be able to put a tabletop tree somewhere.  Last year was my last year for my "memory tree".  It was a tree made from driftwood my Mother-in-law constructed years ago all bestowed with silver tinsel rope and small Christmas lights.  We inherited it after she moved into a retirement home and we would put it up outside in our front entryway.  She loved the ocean and would paint animals on sand dollars as ornaments.  After Bob passed away, I decided to use it as my inside Christmas tree and sorted through the ornaments that reflected happy past Christmases.  I had to leave the driftwood tree behind when I moved.  I still have the box of memory ornaments, but can't decide if they may have to stay in the box without being hung anywhere. 

The memories are painful, but sometimes after shedding those painful tears, I am able to smile, because I remember how lucky I was to have the good memories.  Hugs, Dee

   

 

[Gwenivere]

I gave up on holiday trees years ago.  Had gotten down to a teeny table one with no special ornaments, just little balls.  Our regular tree and that one which we used his last year mean nothing to me now.  The meaningful ornaments haven’t been used in almost a decade.  I think they would cut me like a knife now.  My thinking and emotions are so messed up from this surgery and what it’s done to me. Those happy memories make me want to hurry this waiting for an end.  
 

Frustrating day finding rat solutions.  Too much info.  Had a short Zoom meet with my Sunday friend.  Dee showed up with the church food.  Ne real dinner, sent most of the stuff home with her as Robin has dogs.  Kept some chicken and sandwiches.  They use American cheese which meant for melting, taste awful cold.  Don’t like hard boiled eggs.  At least it won’t go to waste.  

I know something is very wrong in this recovery.  The fear is overwhelming.  It’s more my mind not being able to process thoughts clearly.  Each morning gets harder to face another captive day.  The options that all are too much to think I can bear.  

Kay, I think it’s great you find solace in your putting up decorations.  Your tree looks gorgeous.  Dee, glad you have your memory ornaments.  Are you planning some kind of tree?  The driftwood one sounds so very unique.  It had to be hard to leave.

Had to call Dee around 11.  That rat was running around again and I just am mentally losing it.  She’s bringing over a zapper that is supposed to work if goes inside.  Have had the kitchen door propped open since in hopes it will head outside.    Winter is working against me tho.  Warmer in here.  I was right, it’s still here.  I  just know this is gonna kill my sleep with the extra exertion in the morning.  I want to down more Xanax, but I’m exhausted and bouncing off the walls all at once.   
 

I don’t know what anyone has planned for the holiday.  I wish all that do some solace having to be without our loves.  Wish I could share it with Mel.  Just to feel connected.  ❤️

 

 

 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

I still have the box of memory ornaments, but can't decide if they may have to stay in the box without being hung anywhere. 

I wonder if you could string them somewhere out of the way where you can see them?  I used to string cards over my breakfast bar and also between my living and family rooms (before I got a ceiling fan installed there).  Maybe the ornaments instead?  Or maybe a tabletop with a few of your favorites?  I made a small tree for my MIL when she was bedridden with cancer, it was decorated for a "grandma" replete with teddy bears and red/green plaid bows, she loved it and it brought a little Christmas into their house, had a teddy tree top even.  They didn't have room for a full tree with her hospital bed, wheelchair, porta potty.  Sometimes we get inventive....sometimes we ignore the whole thing depending on what we're feeling.

I just learned my Aunt Sue has dementia stage IV, her husband and kids are going nuts with it, I know of nothing more painful on a family.  I sent them a lot of information, videos, prevention/reversal for them when they're there...it's too late for Stage IV obviously she's far gone, but wanted to let them know our experience with dementia care, a book that helped us, videos about it, etc.  My heart is broken, she was my favorite aunt, haven't seen her for 7-8 years.  I shared with them that Peggy has it too, not as far along yet but she was far gone when in different surroundings (hospital, rehab, fire evacuation).  [But with her health situation, stubbornness, uncooperation, and inaction, I doubt she can remain in her home forever.]

Dee, your driftwood tree sounds beautiful, I hope you kept a picture of it, what a unique idea!  I used to paint sand dollars, my dad and I loved finding them on the beach, we hit the mother lode once and got about 100 of them between us!  I think my XH got rid of them because they "smelled" (you leave them outside for a long time to get RID of the smell!) he couldn't just let them be. 

17 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

The memories are painful, but sometimes after shedding those painful tears, I am able to smile, because I remember how lucky I was to have the good memories.  Hugs, Dee

What a beautiful way to look at it!  And it must account for why you're such a positive person we all treasure here!

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

She’s bringing over a zapper that is supposed to work if goes inside.

II have several electronic traps set, used to get them, now they've gotten too smart and warned their family members, "Don't go in there!"  No matter whether I use sweetened peanut butter or cheeses, nope, they're not going for it!  It is the most humane way to get them.  But I don't like the thought of them running around pooping, chewing up wiring, etc.!  Mouse or rat.  I've never had the rats but that would unnerve me even worse.

Gwen, do you feel you're worse off for having had the surgery or is it hard to say?  At least you had Mel.    I hate that you're going through so much pain and anguish.

[Widow2015]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Dee, glad you have your memory ornaments.  Are you planning some kind of tree?  The driftwood one sounds so very unique.  It had to be hard to leave.

Haven't decided yet what I will do with decorations.  First, I have to open the boxes sitting on my bedroom floor and unwrap each one after I decide.  I really don't want to buy a small artificial tree.  Nowhere to store it after Christmas.  Yes, was sad to leave driftwood tree behind although I do have pictures to revisit and remember.  

9 hours ago, kayc said:

I wonder if you could string them somewhere out of the way where you can see them?  I used to string cards over my breakfast bar and also between my living and family rooms (before I got a ceiling fan installed there).  Maybe the ornaments instead? 

I like your suggestion to hang ornaments, but would have to ask for help from son's family to assist.  I hate asking for help for anything.   My son has this week off from work and is working outside redoing the driveway to my little house.  He has cut into the hill and laying concrete blocks.  This is his idea of a vacation, working on his tractor moving dirt around.   I walked outside yesterday to see his progress and it brought back a sweet memory of him as a little boy playing with his toy trucks in the sand box. LOL

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t know what anyone has planned for the holiday.  I wish all that do some solace having to be without our loves.  Wish I could share it with Mel.  Just to feel connected.  ❤️

 Gwen:  I so hoped you would have had Mel home by now.  The connection of a sweet Mel face would be so good for you and the emptiness you are going through.   Still keeping good thoughts for you and Mel.

I hate to even bring up my annoying health issues because they seem insignificant compared to so many on here.  Not wanting to go to the ER, I self- diagnosed and "googled" my symptoms, after remembering Bob's issue with vertigo years ago.  After his ER visit determined it wasn't life threatening the ER doctor did the "Epley Maneuver".  This maneuver starts by lying down on your back with head below shoulders, turning head right or left.  By doing these movements hopefully the small crystals in the ear canal float back where they belong relieving the dizziness.

A few months ago, I had my first experience with dizziness.  I looked on line and tried the Epley Maneuver directions   The dizziness went away for a while but now has returned.   I did the maneuver yesterday and it worked again for me.  I feel fine, blood pressure is good so don't want to go to ER or Urgent Care.  I'm fine as long as I don't look up-but am moving slower than slow.  The issue can be common in elderly folks.  Oh, so much fun being old, which adds to feeling useless and is compounded living alone.  Dee