My Sanity Needed Vents

[nashreed]

I know what you mean about important dates, Gwen. They're all piled up for me in December. It was cool when Annette was alive that our birthdays were exactly a week apart. We decided to marry between them so that I would be "2 years" older than her when we married (we were born a year and a week apart). Now it's just a big dreaded week right before dreaded Christmas. . 

Count your blessings Gwen. I wish I had a friend that understood in living person. You guys are great, but it's a tough thing to know that I'll never be hugged again. My Mom is not a hugger, so I don't even try anymore. 

[Gwenivere]

18 hours ago, KarenK said:

were you ever able to get the taller walker that you mentioned a while back? That might be one thing to keep you from hunching over.

No, I opted not to because it’s bigger and I can barely maneuver the basic in my space.  Living room and hall are OK, but kitchen, bedroom and bath would not work.  Don’t know if insurance would cover it too.  This hunching over seems to be progressive.  I’m pretty sure it’s this chair I’m in so much and having to do so much more that requires moves that are irritating.  But I have no choice.
 

18 hours ago, KarenK said:

If insurance doesn't cover all of it, I'll probably have to forgo the surgery. I pay a high premium for my insurance so will find out if it's worth it.

Oh Karen!  Eyes are so important.  Most insurance has some kind of copay, I’m hoping yours is better.  You could find out by calling them in advance to get an idea.  That in itself is a drag too.   It’s always complicated it seems.  

15 hours ago, kayc said:

Sometimes we run out of patience.  It's hard being in that situation, like Peggy and Gwen and Mike...

That’s a kind way of putting it.  I’m getting to days I just don’t want to have to live thru because I know it’s a rerun and merely survival.  I don’t feel progress at all.  Backsliding too.  I haven’t figured out how to mentally handle this.  Creates tremendous fear and dread.  I’ve been reading about chronic pain and mental health.  It’s not good.  I just got a call from a fellow volunteer and she was telling me of a couple people she knows that are now home bound and losing it too.  One guy taking an hour just to get out of bed and dressed.  Both once very active like me.  She just had a scare with recurring lung cancer but is OK.  She has her husband,kids, dog and a brother.  Plus has gone on trips to keep sane.  Told me where we volunteered is low population and hit by covid again.  All those people confined to their rooms day after day.  

OT was just out.  Homework is to sit several times a day without supporting myself with my hands and find something that will bring me some 'joy' to break the monotony.  How easy that is to say.  Joy?  Really?  Have to get that spine X-ray and have decided to put it off til next weekend.  Have to deal with frigging daylight savings and a long week of too many problems.  I don’t know how I’ll even deal with the time change as I have to do it with Dee's help early in the evening.  Won’t get the luxury of an extra hours sleep as it will mess with med schedule.  
 

12 hours ago, nashreed said:

Count your blessings Gwen. I wish I had a friend that understood in living person.

I do, James.  Like you and everyone tho, I miss the person I love the most.  Available 24/7.  I’m so sorry your family isn’t a warm one.  This is a time it would feel so good.  All I can offer is virtual ones.  💖
 

 

[KarenK]

I had the option of talking to the insurance person at the office now or waiting until after the cataract evaluation. Evidently there are different types of cataract surgery(with upgrades?) to be discussed then and I'll have a better idea of the cost so I chose to wait. I remember when I was hospitalized in Kentucky for 8 days and saw many doctors that I didn't pay anything at all, so that's a positive sign.

Sorry the taller walker is not feasible for your home. Isn't that always the way of things?

What's the status of Mel's injury? Is surgery still on the table?

[kayc]

Yes, wondering about Mel!

Got through yesterday, thank God!  I was not looking forward to it!  So apparently eating the way I am plus all the supplements have helped my eyes...I can see at night.  I am still shocked, like it's a miracle!  After 8 1/2 years of not being able to drive down the block!

I got Iris' groceries while she was in surgery, all stuff I'm not familiar with, at Costco, didn't know what I was looking for, the brand name, where it was at, but I got it all, amazing!

Jazzy pulled Kodie's collar & tag & carabiner off while we were gone and I tried for an hour to find it but they have a huge place and lots of wild shrubs/brush, so never found it.  He's wearing an old worn out faded pink collar of Lucky's, no tags, makes me nervous but I'll get him new ones when I go to town in a couple of weeks.  Poor pup, he slept for two hours after we got home, they were filthy and exhausted!

Gwen, I hear you on the walker, Polly bought Peggy a new one that's taller, but I don't think it takes up more room than her old one and even feels lighter weight.  Whatever feels most comfortable for you or works the best for your home!

I keep forgetting about the time change...that will be nice...I think, unless I wake up and can't get back to sleep.

[kayc]

On 11/4/2021 at 2:30 AM, KarenK said:

Finally got around to making my appt. for the cataract surgery evaluation. First available appt. that fits with my son's schedule is Dec 21. Will also have to discuss the financial aspects.

I just have Medicare so would have to pay a large copay up front but if you have supplemental I would think the two of them would cover it.  Best Foods to Eat When You Have Cataracts | IrisVision

[Gwenivere]

Latest news on Mel is a consult in December.  I called other places with no luck on  a sooner date.  No go.  She’s doing well as a tripod, but the longer she does that, the longer it will be for her to break that habit.  I would have thought that a torn ligament was a common injury.

Of course things have gotten complicated as they do daily.  The social worker coming by today is going to be late.  Not that I’m going anywhere, but I get annoyed so easily that they mess up schedules with this home health and it changes when I think it will be over or move it to another day.  
 

I have a rat in the house.  Haven’t a clue how it got in.  Last time it was from leaving the back door open for the dogs.  I got lucky last time because it fell in the trash can and I closed the lid and took it outside to release.  I saw it several times last night.  Put some peanut butter on the floor and on the rim of the trash.  Floor stuff is gone but trash not touched.  Don’t know what I’m going to do.  The house has so many wires it could damage.  If it weren’t winter, I could leave the side door open with PB outside it.  I think it would prefer to get out, but they like warmth too.  Have no clue how to solve this yet as the exterminator wants big bucks.  

Still don’t know what to do about the X-ray.  Not happy about how much more painful this is getting.  Things could be OK with the hardware and it could be sitting so much in this chair or  the chair itself.  Don’t know how to fix that either.  

Sorry, but I need to scream........I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS I CAN TAKE!!!

After talking with the social worker, having my housekeeper who I didn’t get to talk to much as we usually do and driving myself crazy researching rat traps I was going in stress circles.  Told Dee not to come by, it was getting late and she’ll be by Saturday.  Walked a couple laps and back to my chair.  Only thing I really appreciated from the SW was hearing I am not unique in my reaction to the disappointment of coming home and finding it’s harder and discouraging.  She left numbers for free support places to call.  I may try to take some of the load off Dee. Last thing one wants to do is burn out their support people.

Tired of feeling sorry for myself, but I can’t shake it.  Get so frustrated what should be doing simple things.  *sigh*  

 

 

 

[KarenK]

Yuck to the rat! I guess if Mel were home, it wouldn't last long. It sure wouldn't around here.

Tatum's surgeries were for torn ligaments in her knees. It's called CTL in dogs as opposed to ACL in humans. I think hip and knee injuries are pretty common in big dogs. Hope you're able to get hers fixed soon

Glad to hear there are other support options available. Maybe some help getting the X-Ray done.

[Widow2015]

51 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I have a rat in the house.

Oh no Gwen.  What else can go wrong ?  Is it in a room where it can be closed off until you can get a trap?    

Sorry Mel's surgery is delayed.  Sweet girl.  Hugs and Good thoughts, Dee.

[Kieron]

oh no, Gwen.  I have a big old mouse in this house at the moment, have seen it scooting, but the cat isn't doing much about it.  Literally sleeping on the job. 

One year we had a rat.  No one here believed me that I was seeing a large furry body zipping under the stove where it was hiding.  Finally got rid of it with poison, and I found the carcass in the basement.  🙄

[kayc]

Gwen,
I've been dealing with mice since Kitty died, they recently decided to move from the shop to the house.  Kodie cornered one, I got her out...she was fat, not sure if pregnant.  Found droppings the next day, tiny, none since, maybe the babies starved?  I have electronic traps, poison, glue traps, they aren't going for them.  I use peanut butter, even bought sweetened just for them, nope, nada!  Grr.  I swear they're evolving smarter and warn their children.

Segregating it to s certain room is an idea but they can (and have) chew holes through walls!  Also refrigerator wiring, etc. 

I miss Kitty and Arlie, they would get them and kill them for me. Arlie would bring them to me afterwards, Kitty liked doing hours long torture first.

 

[Widow2015]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Segregating it to s certain room is an idea but they can (and have) chew holes through walls!  Also refrigerator wiring, etc. 

Yes, the critters (mice) had once chewed through the sheetrock that fit around a wall where the water pipes came into the kitchen.  They can get through just about anything just by squeezing through a small crevice.   When I was selling my house a dead rat in a trap was in my crawl space.  My son- in- law or daughter must have placed the trap and never checked it again.  It had chewed through the wire screen covering the vents.  That probably explained why Maddie used to sniff along the fireplace hearth floor every so often.  She could hear a rat scurrying in the crawl space. Yuk.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

On 11/5/2021 at 8:54 PM, KarenK said:

Glad to hear there are other support options available. Maybe some help getting the X-Ray done.

No, no help there on options.  Only on mobile place and I have too many, by 5, stairs to get inside.  Gave in today and went to the hospital and had them done.  Only my 2nd time out of here since getting home.  They wanted to do it laying down but no way!  So had to stand a bit.  Luckily I didn’t have to change clothes.  Bought burritos for Dee and me.  We then came home and set all the clocks back so I’m living what will be regular time later.  Makes my day longer but I couldn’t have done it without her.  Figured the X-ray trip counted for my home laps.  So taking a break from extra exercise today.  Now to message the surgeon and hope there are no problems.  Especially that joint that is causing as much pain.  Then I can face PT.  Yay, more pain!

On 11/5/2021 at 9:27 PM, Widow2015 said:

Is it in a room where it can be closed off until you can get a trap?    

If I knew where it was.  Didn’t see it last night.  Hope it’s not nesting anywhere.  Dee shook up places with lots of wires like behind the entertainment center, fridge and under my beds with my grabber.  She set and baited the humane trap in the kitchen.  I hope it works rather than have it die eventually from lack of food and water and have to find it.  I feel it’s a one shot deal as if it trips too soon, it won’t go near it again.  Time will tell.
 

Got a call from my shrink.  Time for a Zoom visit.  Was hoping for a calmer week coming up but not to be.  Had a weird nights sleep with dreams I remember.  Been a long time.  Not fun like dreams were.  They’d start OK but switch to worry and frustration.  Unfortunately getting up was bad as always. Feeling really shaky at the sink. Fell for the old 'maybe the pain will be better' but that quickly changed.  

It’s that time of night I really get down.  Like clockwork.  Read the paper as tradition.  Heading for a nap.  The night I miss Steve the most.  Dee took a route to the hospital that triggered memories of his and my date night dinners.  Had her come come back a different way, but the triggers were sprung.   

Best to all.  💖

 

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I hope it works rather than have it die eventually from lack of food and water and have to find it.

I hate killing them but have gotten over it as mice can be such cute little critters but no sympathy to waste when it comes to them destroying my home or vehicles!  Continuing battle here.  Miss Kitty!  And Arlie.  They would have gotten them.  Kitty had amazing patience and perseverance.  My sister said she could never kill a mouse (I've used a crowbar), I told her if she didn't have Bert she'd have to, but now she seems helpless and wouldn't do so anyway.  I've set poison traps at her place and they've disappeared...hmmm...

We had a visitor last night at dinnertime.  Someone called and said their puppy was loose, very worried!  I told Kodie about it and told him she could get in with bad dogs that bite or horses that stomp and her mom and dad are worried!  He understands, he's been through both.  He climbed onto his recliner by the window as I'd told him to let me know if he sees her.  He did!  I ran out with a huge treat and ingratiated myself with her and then got my gate open and gave her another one to come inside it, she started scratching on my freshly painted house door so I let her in.  She acted like a feral cat only happy!  Kodie shared his dinner with her and she ran around the house, he was most hospitable!  I called her parents and they came to get her.  I took her out on a leash (hooks around the core instead of my hands) and she had quite an adventure to tell her mom!  I told them I wanted her to know she has a safe kind place to come to so she'll think of our house if there's a next time and not go to a dangerous place.  Been through this with Arlie!

 

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Figured the X-ray trip counted for my home laps.  So taking a break from extra exercise today.

I would too!  You went through quite enough for one day!  Glad you're home...

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I called her parents and they came to get her.  I took her out on a leash (hooks around the core instead of my hands) and she had quite an adventure to tell her mom! 

That is great, Kay!  I bet the people were so happy to have their baby back!  Good for Kodie, too, being vigilant.  
 

im so sorry you are still having to deal with so much hand pain too.  It really sucks when parts we need aren’t %100.  I don’t know how you do all you do.  For you and Kodie, your sisters and friends.  All the traveling.  You’re an angel!  😇

[Gwenivere]

Well, another long and pitying post lost somehow.  Another way my days go.  I tried to take it easy by mostly watching an old movie.  Seems the sitting wasn’t the best idea even tho I took breaks.  I hope I get some answers as to why this is getting worse.  I’m not sure I’ll like them, but after the X-ray adventure I need to know. Will have to call.  The doc isn’t exactly speedy.  I’ve gotten more support for much lesser issues than this.  
 

Dee brought dinner by.  Rebated the rat trap.  Thought I heard it trigger in the morning but it didn’t til I walked by it from the vibration of my walker.  We’re trying a different place too.  I wasn’t good company and had tied her up so long on Saturday I wanted her to get some 'me' time.  She’s coming by today after shopping for her, me and Robin.  
 

Have to check on the Tuesday shower and hope I can tolerate it.  I checked my weight and I’m down 10 pounds.  Not good.  I don’t know how to eat more as all meals feel awful being so hunched over all the time.  Supplements had been suggested but the result is the same.  They stimulate digestion.  It’s like the sitting making me weak and exercise making me hurt more.  Catch 22’s.  
 

My memory is getting kaput.  Pain induced I hope.  It’s frustrating.  I forget things as fast as I read them sometimes.  In the midst of a thought or conversation.  If I weren’t on some of the meds I am, I could see drinking would be very appealing.  Guess that’s why I love my glass of wine before bed.  Numb my mind a bit.  It’s always on overtime.  I had dreams the other night that were kinda good but had frustrations of real life in them.  I feel there is no place to escape/truly rest for a bit.  
 

Got the totals so far on Mel’s expenses and it was a lot.  The vet and boarding being over half.  She hadn’t had the consult and surgery yet, so more to come.  Still trying to keep anger in perspective because I couldn’t take care of my own kid and this would not have happened.  Plus she’d help my sanity.  Not been in situations she had to adapt to.  She did well tho.  I’m grateful she is so well taken care of, but I know she isn’t thinking about me ever.  It’s another form of grief.  
 

The social worker was supposed to send me numbers of free places to talk to about grief, pain and isolation from being home bound.  Basically people that can take the load off the weight and maybe I can get a grip and not be so down when I see Dee and help me with my other counselor.  She said I wasn’t abnormal for this kind of mess.  It does change your brain functioning.  I know, I live it every day.  
 

So much grief.  Steve, Ally, my happy life, loss of work from covid, my body, my mind and not knowing a thing about what is ahead.  Steve’s birthday coming up on the 9th.  No finding that perfect card and writing a corny poem.  Buying him a cupcake or some treat.  No telling him how much that day I appreciate because he entered this world.  😢

[kayc]

Just talk to Steve out loud and eat his cupcake and tell him how much you miss him...believe me, none of us here would think you crazy and who knows but what they can hear us?  So much we don't know about the beyond, being spirits maybe they can't do some things but maybe they don't have our limitations either in some ways?  I have an article on continuing bonds/relationships, it helped me understand we still have a relationship with them but it displays differently than it did here.

Dee is amazing, I had a hard time shopping for Iris but she gets weird things, doesn't make a list or give full information, and shops different places than I do, but shopping for three people?  Wow, not sure how she does it!  My sister has a friend that has filled that role a lot, that has taken a huge load off me, one less thing for me to do.  I don't think my sister wants me to know what she eats.

Maybe you can look for a card on line, when you find it, tell him it's for him. 

Doctors...them and contractors are unbearably slow...

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know how I’ll handle Tuesday.  To be honest, whether I can handle a shower is more my concern.  Found out last night trying to refill snack jars I barely could.  I’m very upset as I called my surgeons and they won’t tell me the X-ray results until they schedule a phone or telemedicine visit.  That could be weeks!   I’m getting worse everyday.  I asked why can’t I be told what the report said or posted to my medical portal, at least.  They babbled something about legal stuff and that’s the procedure.  Blood tests and visit summaries are there.  Only recommendation I got was the ER.  What could they do?  They said pain control.  Well, my anxiety meds are a concern and they don’t do joint injections which I wouldn’t want as those are steroids.  It would be a hell of an investment to have someone tell me what my X-ray says. 
 

A friend who’s a resident where I volunteered called.  They are in lockdown from covid again.  Jammed onto one floor for lack of aides and can’t leave their rooms.  I told him I now totally empathize with being trapped.  He can’t get sleep with a roommate that he didn’t have before and needs lots of care.  I relate to that for my back reasons.  Now my legs and hands being so shaky.  
 

Had to get info together for Mel’s sitters.  They got all confused on her dry food by looking online.  I only knew the store we use has one kind.  They got me all confused.  Dee went out and checked what style I had and always have.  All they had to do was go to the store as it is all they sell.  Don’t know why it got complicated.  
 

Took the rat trap out.  It was in the way and no action.  Haven’t seen it in days nor any signs of activity.  Dee got a number that look for them free if needed.

As for my cherished Steve, I know I will be thinking of him as the day progresses.  He’s got competition I can’t set aside and that bothers me a lot.  I wish I could dedicate the day to him.  I can’t let myself feel guilt because I have to function during the day.  Supposed to have counseling after the shower (if I can do that), but won’t have eaten.  Don’t know if I’ll keep that appointment.  Everything is so frigging complicated.  If I can I’ll light a candle for him.  I miss I haven’t done it every night as I did before.   I know he’d understand.  That’s the great thing about love.  It’s always safe, understanding and unshakable.  One thing I will always have is our love and no one or thing can ever take that from me.  I cry because we can’t touch or express it anymore.  😓
 

[KarenK]

Gwen, I would think if a serious problem appeared on the X-Rays that the office would let you know right away so it can be fixed. Hopefully it's a good thing they are dragging their feet, although I know how frustrating it is for you and disrespectful to boot. I would be angry as well.

Holding you in my heart as you light a candle for Steve.

[Gwenivere]

I hope you’re right.  I was told there was no one there to look at it.  Medicine is a machine now.  Who knows how many peoples files are laying there for review?  I’d have to hope the radiologist would alert them if it was bad.  I’ve just lost trust I’m that important as they move onto the next person.

Thank you for the wishes about Steve.  ♥️

[Gwenivere]

Got the X-ray report.  Had to look up a lot of medical terms.  Doesn’t sound good.  Don’t know what to do or not do.  Mention of a CT scan.  Possibly a loose screw.  Add this to the sacroiliac joint problem.  Now I wait.  

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

One thing I will always have is our love and no one or thing can ever take that from me.

That is your one consolation in your very hard circumstances. 

[MartyT]

[kayc]

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

Gwen, I would think if a serious problem appeared on the X-Rays that the office would let you know right away so it can be fixed.

Exactly!  Good point!  They wouldn't tell me my mammogram results over the phone so I asked them if something was amiss in it, would they schedule me to come back right away and they said yes, so there was my answer.  A few days later they mailed me the results.  (shake head)

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Got the X-ray report.  Had to look up a lot of medical terms.  Doesn’t sound good.  Don’t know what to do or not do.  Mention of a CT scan.  Possibly a loose screw.  Add this to the sacroiliac joint problem.  Now I wait.  

A loose screw??!  As in it wasn't put in tight?  I've never heard of this happening!  Oh Gwen, I guess all you can do is wait for them to do something, it sure makes one feel helpless.

[Widow2015]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Doesn’t sound good.  Don’t know what to do or not do.  Mention of a CT scan.

Gwen:  Hugs and Hopeful thoughts coming your way.  Dee🙏