How Long In The Fog?

[Froggie4635]

Coming to close on a very bittersweet day.  It is 18 months today that Mark died, and it is one year that I had my wonderful trip to Eugene to meet with Theresa Caputo, to receive some messages from Mark.  Also, tonight in Houston, Jimmy Buffett is playing (Mark's favorite).  I spent the day just doing little things around the house.  The dogs are so very tired of all the rain.  Saying 18 months sounds like so long...but it has hardly felt like any time at all.  I've grown tired of saying how much I miss him...

[Margm]

You do get tired of saying how much time.  I counted weeks at first and now do months.  I am not going to do October this year at all, so I won't have a one year anniversary.  I will just have our regular marriage anniversary and we were never celebrating people.  Billy loved the times people was supposed to bring him presents, but other than that we did not celebrate anything.  Just another day in paradise, I guess.  Mama was 95 on the 2nd.  We did not celebrate, neither did she.  Life just goes on and sometimes it doesn't.  

 

[Gin]

Maryanne,

This is Al's anniversary, also.   8 months today.  Hard road.  In one way it seems like yesterday and another, it seems like an eternity since he was with me.

Gin

[Gwenivere]

28 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

Saying 18 months sounds like so long...but it has hardly felt like any time at all.  I've grown tired of saying how much I miss him...

I just hit 19 months and I really feel the absence.  I, too, have grown tired of saying and feeling how much I miss him.  Sometimes I think...19 months....I should be less surprised waking and spending every day without meaning.  But that can't be forced.  The hardest part is sharing that loneliness as people see this as a very long time.  And it is.  They think, tho, that we hold be adjusting when in fact we are more lost than ever.  Summer is starting again and all the things we did are not going to happen.  Yet all around me people are making plans and.....living.  

I also know that it feels like hardly any time has passed.   I still keep waiting for him to pop out  and prove this the longest and most horrid nightmare I've ever had.

[Margm]

Well, I think I am just going to go into my mythical imagination phase.  You notice this is not mystical, but mythical.  Billy used to go fishing on some lake down in Mexico with a bunch of guys he worked with.  So, I am just going to tell myself he is off fishing on one of those lakes and fell in love with a dark haired senorita (is that a woman?) from down there and has a bunch of little Mexican kids to support now.  That lie sounds better than the truth.  

[Gwenivere]

It is certainly something easier that our minds can grasp than death.  I've never met a more formidable advasary.  

[kayc]

Sometimes it's nice to take a break and say something more amenable to ourselves.

[Margm]

Just watching TV, enjoying the show, Bri is here with me.  Then I think "he is not coming back" and I want to cry.  Crying won't bring him back.  So, I go back to watching the TV.  

[KarenK]

I hear you, Marg. Out of nowhere, these thoughts come unbidden. It is overwhelming to think that two of the people I loved most in the world are gone forever. The thoughts fade away, leaving behind yet another mortal wound.

[Margm]

They do don't they Karen?  And bless your heart, you have two mortal wounds.  Sometimes I can cry, but then I just quit.  It does no good.  He just plain is not coming back.  He was just here yesterday it seems.  I can see him sitting on the couch, but he is not there.  I hate being morose.  I will just go ahead and think he is kicking his heels up in Mexico with some dark haired senorita.  Nah, not even that helps sometimes.  I do hate being morose.

[KarenK]

You could win the fight with the dark haired senorita, hands down. I think Ron is up there somewhere in Monument Valley riding among the monoliths with his buddy John Wayne. That fight would be a draw. He loved John Wayne. Neither of us had a chance against the fella with the hood and scythe.

[Froggie4635]

Finally took myself to the doctor today; have been feeling poorly since Sunday, and was really concerned because of where I was having the discomfort.  The doctor was patient and listened to my symptoms, I answered her questions and she thinks that I am suffering from GERD.  I have been short of breath and coughing in the morning, and have had some discomfort in the middle of my back, just below my shoulder blades.  We are going to try some new things and give it a month to see if I have some improvement.  She did do an EKG, just in case.  That relieved my fears.  While waiting to go back to the lab, the television in the lobby...showing some health stories, ran something about what to do when you witness someone having a heart attack.  So NOT what I wanted to see...but I was proud that I did not break into tears.

The person who I have been accepting as my best friend said something I am sure she thought was helpful...but it has caused me to re-think things.  She hadn't responded to any of my emails this week, especially the one where I said I wasn't feeling well...I saw some post on her Facebook and I thought maybe she had gone out of town.  Well, she wrote me that she has been busy, and feeling depressed.  We emailed back and forth for a bit, and then she brought up my email about her posts on Facebook, and she questioned me why I never liked or commented on any of her posts.  I told her that I look and read...but did not take time to "like" posts.  I said I really didn't do Facebook too much, other than check for posts from family or maybe share some cute dog things.  Then she said she wasn't being judgmental, but that all I seemed to post were grief posts and sayings.  She said she understood and that she loved me, but they were there every day.  So, not to be a mean person and unfriend her so she would not have to see the grief posts any longer, I de-activated my account for now.  Was I being too sensitive?

[scba]

On Tuesday, May 24, 2016 at 8:59 PM, Marg M said:

 

Dear Maryann,

I hope you will feel better soon. Take good care of yourself!

In grief people are sensitive, but there is a huge reason why. Today I had an episode, I found  out through mum that two friends of mine are pregnant. They are my group of friends from hometown and they share information with the rest of the group through social networks. Since I don't use them I didn't know the news. I was mad because I haven't been contacted by any of them in 2 months and so I am no longer part of the group's news?  I opened one of the group chats to check what my mum was telling me, and someone wrote: "have anyone checked on Ana" I wanted to reply: "No, nobody. Hello?". I didn't wrote it, but I was angry. Surely I'm overreacting, but I question myself what did I do wrong? I'm grieving, I'm off  not because I'm devoting my life in a humanitarian project or pursuing a career! Still, I don't want them to know how it feels tobe a widow. They live on the track that life goes on.

 

 

 

 

 

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

So, not to be a mean person and unfriend her so she would not have to see the grief posts any longer, I de-activated my account for now.  Was I being too sensitive?

Too sensitive? Nah. Maryann, you're a lovely human being who is trying to live a life without the person who made your life worth living. How can you not be sensitive to everything and anything? That's to be expected. As to de-activating your account, if that's what you feel was best at this moment, than you did the right thing. Don't dwell on it. When you're ready, you can re-activate it, right?

------------------------------------------

scba said:

Quote

I opened one of the group chats to check what my mum was telling me, and someone wrote: "have anyone checked on Ana" I wanted to reply: "No, nobody. Hello?". I didn't wrote it, but I was angry. Surely I'm overreacting, but I question myself what did I do wrong? I'm grieving, I'm off  not because I'm devoting my life in a humanitarian project or pursuing a career!

Ana, you absolutely did nothing wrong, in any way. Sadly, those of us in grief are often forgotten by family and friends, to an extent. It's not that people don't care. Often, they simply don't know what to say. I think they sometimes wait to hear from us, fearing they may say the wrong thing and upset us in some way. Hugs.

 

[kayc]

Maryann,

No, I don't think it mean, I think it was out of line for her to say something to you about it.  And if you reactivate your account, you can mark her as an acquaintance instead of a friend so she'll see less of your posts.

Ana,

I think I WOULD have put "No, nobody, hello!"  Guess I'm not as nice as you.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

I de-activated my account for now.  Was I being too sensitive?

Maryann, how in this world can we call you "too sensitive" when our own emotions are all over the place?   Honeychile, we all are a mess of emotions.  I want so bad to be able to concentrate again.  I am afraid my forgetfulness might be my mother's Alzheimer's and if I cannot read and retain the meaning I just as well disappear, and you can take that to mean anything.  My little grandmother had cataracts.  She was losing her vision.  Little country woman thinking she was going blind and she did not want to live if she could not read.  Cataract removal and she was in the reading business again.  Here we are.  Talk to us.  We understand your emotions.  Don't worry about being too sensitive.  This is us.  This is who we are.  We grieve.  If someone does not understand that, tell them to cut back on their Tylenol or you will quit talking to them.

Seriously, yes we are sensitive.  We are even sensitive to each other on here.  "Did he just dis me?"   Yeah, he might have, but that is okay.  He or she will be different the next note.  We are SPLAT all over the place.  If your friend does not understand that, that is okay.  You don't owe her an explanation.  She will get over it.  I don't go on FB near as much anymore.  

[Gin]

I called my lawyer today to set up an appointment to take Al's name off my will and trust.  I have seen him several times since Al died.  He said, "why, did you two break up?"  I guess we are broken up and broken.  He was awkward when I reminded him that Al died.  Maybe he did not catch my name right?  I have had this lawyer for 25 yrs..  Maybe time for a new lawyer.  Hard to believe that every day brings new insults and pain.

[Patty65]

UGGH Gin!!  That's horrible!  After getting up the courage to call and do that.  I'm so sorry you had to deal with such a response after you've known him so long!

[Gwenivere]

Geez Gin!  First all the medical Tess and now the lawyer?  I'm surprised you haven't gone postal on anyone!

[kayc]

OMG, Gin, that's horrible!  His mind must have been elsewhere.

Marg, When you forget to wear your pants to the store, we'll agree you have Alzheimer's.

 

[Margm]

I won't worry about it then.  Thanks Kay.  Looking forward to settling down so I can read again.  TV is fine, but I sure miss reading.  

[Froggie4635]

Haven't treaded into this topic for a while.  I know I am no longer in the fog...I feel myself missing Mark so very strongly.  I finally allowed myself to watch a movie I had purchased a while ago..."PS I Love You".  In the movie, the main character Holly carries the box which holds her husbands ashes into the bedroom and sits it on the bench at the foot of the bed, then crawls into bed and continuously calls her husbands phone to listen to his message (I did that quite frequently).  Mark's brother made a beautiful box to hold his ashes and it has been sitting in my foyer since the day of this service 20 months ago today.  I decided that I want his ashes in the bedroom, so I took an old bedside table and sat his box there.  I will see if perhaps this helps bring some peace to my days.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I hope having Mark's ashes closer to you will bring you some comfort.  There are so many things that we think or do at this nearly unliveable time where we don't know how we will feel until we try it.  

I have had Gord's ashes and the two horse shoes that were with him in my bedroom since I got them.  I placed them on his nightstand and they do bring me comfort at this time.  The horse shoes are actually in a box under the middle of the bed. 

Look after yourself Maryann.   You are an amazing lady.

[Margm]

I do the same only I retired my Kindle and his Kindle we always read together and put them together.  I have his phone retired with these next to the wooden urn.  I talk to it ever so often but for some reason I feel closer talking to the dark clouds that have hung over our skies the past few weeks.  I have felt him next to me and I wake up and he is gone instantly, and I get up.  I don't cry then.  And, the heavy crying that I do, I always say "Dammit Billy, this is not bringing you back" and I get angry at myself.  Honestly, I try not to think about him as much and then I feel guilty, but somehow now, I don't know why, but I feel like he understands and forgives me.  I told Mama when she was semiconscious to please tell him I was so sorry I got angry at him for dying.  If those things are possible, she told him.  But you know what.  That man knew me better than anyone on earth and even in Heaven.  I know our religious says God and Jesus knew me best, but I know Billy, he would argue them both down, only I think they are supposed to be one.  Okay, getting a little crazy with my religion right now and not understanding, and being my usual run-on self.  I'll quit. 

[Gwenivere]

Marg, you are not alone being angry at your love for dying.  If Steve can hear me, he's heard a lot of nights directed at him for doing such a thing to me.  I feel he understands and if he could would be asking me for forgiveness.  I feel the bigger picture is the 'veil' between thier world and ours.  We are still in a place with things like anger, guilt, shame exist and we let matter.  But it's a part of being human and Steve felt those himself.  I dint know about religion, but I feel they are in a place far evolved from those emotions.  They understand why we feel as we do because they dwelled here too.  Actually, I think Steve would be a little hurt if I didn't love him enough to be as angry as I have gotten.  They say love and hate exist together.  It is indifference that shows we truly don't care.  Just my take on it.