I Thought Happily Ever After Would Be Longer

[Dew's Girl]

After Daniel left I stopped doing the little things things to keep myself looking attractive.  Oh, I made sure to be presentable with brushed hair and clean clothes but did not take any special effort.  Gone were the days of getting new a new hairstyle to surprise him or painting my toe nails fun colors.

For over a year it was hair pulled up in a ponytail and no makeup.  Firstly because it took too much energy which I never seemed to have enough of to make the effort and secondly I suppose that it felt wrong to me to not mark physically how empty I felt inside. (This was just my way, not saying it is the right way)

A several weeks ago, I went and cut off about 10 inches of my long hair and styled in a cute short summer cut.  This week I pulled out the old bag of pretty colored polishes, lipsticks, and things.  I even bought a few new outfits.

On one hand I feel more like my old self making this effort.  But it freaks me out a bit too.  I still feel just as empty.  I know I'm never going to leave my mourning for him behind.  I tell myself that it is not "moving on" but "carrying on".  It's terrifying to stay stagnant and almost worse to step forward.

[kayc]

Good for you!  I understand how you feel about the words "moving on" because they strike me that way too, but I think it helps to equate "moving on" from the devastation not from them.  We could never move on from them, they are a part of us.  Carrying on seems a more apt way to put it.

[scba]

I understand too, I'm going through the same ride regarding to look and fashion. I have ups and downs, more downs than ups. I am unnemployed at the moment so I don't pay attention to what I wear every day, until I run into a friend and in contrast I look like a homeless. Today I bought a nice shirt, it felt well and wrong all the same. My opinion is that grief, in time, is much about ambiguity. I'm experiencing that. 

[Margm]

I like men's Tee shirts to wear for everyday and to sleep in.  I get a big size because I don't like it sitting on my behind, I like shirts that swing, don't fit.  I cut out the collar and shoulders of an old blouse and it sure dressed up that Tee shirt.  Did you know our thrift store here in this little town has blouses for 25 cents?  I bought a lot of collars to wear under my Tee shirts.  As to style, well my daughter talks about what is in style, what is not in style.  I just don't care.  I will not wear heels to church.  I can put on a pair of flats that have 1/2 inch heels on them and twist my ankle.  I wear "tennis" shoes all the time.  I did find three pair of flats that are dressy.  And, if I wore pantyhose, I would definitely throw some joint out of place, so I will wear slacks or what I call pants.  I have nice blouses to wear with this.  I don't know if they are "in style" but they feel good.  The only style I remember ever wanting was back in the early 1960's or late 1950's wanting the "pixie" shoes all the other girls wore.  My mother made me wear Little Abner boots cause they lasted a long time.  I think that cured my "style" searching.  And, it is good etiquette to wear a bra when you leave the house.  Well..............if I have to.  

[KarenK]

The last time I remember being fashion conscious was in high school. We certainly did not live in the country club, but I hung out with some that did. They could afford to buy whatever they wanted. The rage was "Lanz" dresses. Expensive back in those days. As a status symbol, the girls would sew the dress tags to the collars of their sweatshirts. I begged for a Lanz dress. My mother scrimped and got me one. I was sooo proud.  lol

I got my first pair of boots at age 11 in Jackson, Wy. That was and still is the "true" me. Heels, dresses and panty hose were so uncomfortable at work, but necessary. I got rid of all of them when I retired. As long as I am clean and presentable, I am happy with it. I think we should dress in what makes us feel good. I was wearing boots when I met Ron and wearing them when he left. In 40 years, I never heard a complaint.

I think it's funny that Scottsdale is dubbed "The West's Most Western Town", yet no one I know or see on the street dresses this way.

[scba]

I googled Lanz dress, they look so pretty. 

[Gwenivere]

I remember in my 'youth' the hours I would devote to getting dressed, curling my hair, makeup, getting a tan, etc.. Basically making the most of a young body in its prime.  It wasn't a hassle because that is just what ya do!  Plus there are all those men out there to entice.    Life was simpler too.  I had a job, but there was no mortgages, illness or death influencing my life.  everyone I loved was alive.

As time went on I tweaked what was priority for looking good.  It simplified but one keeps a 'style'.  Now it is jeans, boots and I nice shirt for the world.  Gave up dresses years ago when Steve retired and there were no more corporate functions to attend.  When I get home tho, it's sweats and slippers.  If I get a hankering for take out, I go as I am.   Seattle is quite diverse anyway.  Suits and dresses are only common downtown.  

i do miss short shorts and bikinis tho.  They don't miss me tho!

[kayc]

I like jeans and comfortable tops (not t-shirts, but I don't like button down ironable shirts...got rid of all of them when I retired!) and only wear dresses when I am on the platform at church.  Will have to google Lanz.

[Dew's Girl]

Today is the 15th anniversary of one of the best days of my life.

On 6-6-01 I went on my first date with Daniel and my life changed in all the best ways.

Thank you Daniel for the amazing life you gave me.  I miss you every day.

[Patty65]

Appearances... When Ron was in Hospice and the community was helping with the shop, a woman volunteered to help out, I put her on the register one weekend.  I ran into her last Saturday night at my first "crowded" business event since all of this (ended).  It was horrific to be there, in a crowd, a new batch of condolences, all those people.  Even some that asked how he was, and others who wanted to know how it happened  But I ran into that woman.  I was blabbing on with her about my loneliness, the slow tourist season between winter and summer travellers, the problems with our business location,  and that it might be time for me to think about having a partner in the business so we can make some changes.  Later she came back around, and said she was interested, and Monday she came to the business to talk about it.

Here she is, fairly well-off, working at a legal firm, wearing perfectly manicured everything, and a smart, modern dress -- and there I was in clothes that are now too big, cargo shorts and a flour dusted Old Navy T-Shirt.  What an odd match.  (But we got along great) It reinforced how much I'm just not paying attention, and I don't care that I'm not, and I probably should, given I'm the owner of this joint now, all on my own.  No make-up, just a pony tail and whatever T Shirt and Shorts won't fall off of me anymore.

Not that I was ever that stylish, Ron loved me just the way I was, but I did throw on a little makeup back then etc.  Who cares anymore?  I guess maybe my customers.  Maybe I have to come around, it just never makes it to the top of the priority list.  Pretty much nothing does related to my personal life.  So hard to care in the exhaustion of just making it through another day.

I used to lighten my hair a bit from its dirty blonde color.  Before we left on on Christmas trip when Ron got so ill, he said, hey, you should think about dying your hair again before our trip - so its not two tones for your family, he joked.  I never did, and I still never have.  Every time I look in the mirror (once in the morning), I think about him saying that.  Now it feels wrong to color it, and wrong not to.  So I ignore making a decision, and go on to the next issue of the day.

[kayc]

Patty,

I hope it works well for you (partner) and that it relieves some of the pressure you've been under.  And maybe doing your hair and some new clothes that fit would perk you up, I know, it's hard to feel perked up nowadays but it can't hurt.

[Patty65]

Thanks Kay!  It could be a good match.  We would move the location to a more popular and tourist-ridden part of the island, and start over, putting a new environment and shop in place together.  It's very preliminary.  I can imagine it.  The pain of such a transition feels unbearable.  But I know it is the right path, and Ron wanted such a move (we'd already looked into it), and would want me to have help. NO way I could pull that off on my own.

When my daughter was here for the service, I asked her to trim my hair, but refused the color.  I let her trim my hair for him.  He used to do that, get rid of the stragglies of my long hair.  I was able to let it happen when I was doing it for him, in my mind.  I guess that's one way to inch towards the tasks I really must do.  "What would Ron want?" is a powerful motivator -- doesn't work that often yet -- but it's the thing that comes the closest to working, and it does, on rare occasions.

[Dew's Girl]

Hi friends,

I wanted to share my new blog post with you.  Today marks 18 months since I last really held my beloved. 

http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com

Here is an excerpt:
"People ask me if time has helped to heal the wounds from your loss.  The honest answer is no.  I still feel your absence as deeply and intensely today as I did on January 13, 2015.  If I am still alive 50 years from now, the pain will not have dulled one bit.  But, time has made things better in a surprising way..."

I also want to share this song with you all.

 

 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Dew's Girl said:

 If I am still alive 50 years from now, the pain will not have dulled one bit

Of course, you have read my account from my grandmother's "book" to her grandchildren.  It was just words on a page to me, history of my family from her eyes and memory.  The thing I read about after 18 years, the pain was as great as on the first day, this was just words to me.  Words told from an honest little country Christian woman who happened to be my mother's mother.  She had raised and helped raise at least 10 children.  Six were their children.  I felt sorry for her, but now, after so many years, I also feel her pain.  I feel her truth. Misery does not really love company, but misery understands............now. 

Yet, she suffered this pain for nearly 30 years after his passing.  I won't have that long to suffer.

[Froggie4635]

I think about my dad a lot, and how much he had to be hurting after my mom died.  I am hurting so very much, and Mark and I were not in each other's lives even 10 years...my mom and dad were together over 40 years.  If it were possible for me to know, I would have done anything to help...but of course you do not know this kind of pain until it touches your life.  I have a friend telling me that I need to be HAPPY, that every day is a new beginning and I should take advantage of that.  I know he is just trying to be encouraging...he and I have been friends since 1982, and he has seen me through many phases of my life.  But he has never been married, and has never lost a spouse.  and now I know all those sayings about trying to explain it to someone who hasn't been there.  Amy, I just passed 19 months and I know exactly what you say.  We do what we can, and keep moving forward.  

[kayc]

Amy, your blog has been well written...I thought about how you said you knew how to be Daniel's girl, you're still learning how to be his widow.  Also how you want him to be proud of you.  I think he is.

[Froggie4635]

Amy,

Loved the blog update.  Wish I would have done one...wonder if it is too late.

[Dew's Girl]

3 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

Amy,

Loved the blog update.  Wish I would have done one...wonder if it is too late.

Thank you.

I don't think it's ever too late.  I know that I'd love to read about your journey.  

[brat#2]

Amy, beautiful blog and so much of it describes my life right now.  Thank you for writing what I am feeling.

Joyce

 

[Froggie4635]

I signed up with WordPress a while back, when my best friend was trying to encourage me to write.  Will try a couple of their free online courses and see what happens.  See Amy, you are being an inspiration.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

I thought about how you said you knew how to be Daniel's girl, you're still learning how to be his widow.  Also how you want him to be proud of you.  I think he is.

Wow, isn't that the crux of it?  We knew how to be in their lives.  How do we learn how to live without them?  In my 2nd year, things have gotten so much worse I honestly think I'm losing my mind.  I reread all the articles I saved about this for reassurance but still I feel there is something wrong with me.  That is the brain trying desperately trying to make sense if this.  How did I so (now looking back) get so much done the first year while grieving?  What changed?  I know the answers but my mind rejects them.  I walked thru that reality door that this is forever.  I'm not just living in the moment of grief but see the future and he's not in any of it.  I know that updating my will was a huge trigger.  Making plans for my dogs if something happen to me.  Getting forms for EMTs if I need help and my wishes.  I now feel vulnerable in a way I never have.  It's all on me now.  

Nope, I don't know how to be his widow.  Or maybe I do and I just plain old dont want to, but there is no option in that.  I feel like I don't know what grief work is anymore because I am just paralyzed in this fear and can't find even a little place to hide from it.  I also don't know this new me.  Or who I will be.  It's a limbo now.  I know I will never be the same and unlike some feel, there will be anything good that comes from this.  Some big discovery I will make about myself.  That's not my goal.  It is being able to live in this knowledge and maybe, fir a change, not dread waking up to another day without him.  Something that simple.

[brat#2]

Gwen, don't have anything to really say, just wanted to send you hugs.

Joyce

 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you, Joyce.  I know every one of us is walking a very painful path.  It waxes and wanes, but we are wandering in the dark right now not knowing where to go.  If only a beach trip or things I read people are doing were possible for me.  I admire they can do it.  It's hard not to have any family or local friends and go thru this with.  Where's Marypoppins when you need her?  

[Widowedbysuicide]

I just wanted to say that I loved reading your blog Amy.  

Dew's Girl your story is sad and beautiful.  

[Dew's Girl]

Tomorrow will be our 14th wedding anniversary.  I took today and tomorrow off work, but I don't know what to do with my time.  I don't want to be around anyone. I've just been listening to our music.  My head is spinning.

Sometimes it seems like one step forward, two steps back.