I Thought Happily Ever After Would Be Longer

[kayc]

It's good to see you Amy.  I know you have a job that keeps you busy, I'm glad it's one that you like.  I think it's common for us to feel "set apart" from others because we're going through something unique that they aren't.

[iPraiseHim]

23 hours ago, Dew's Girl said:

Thanks all for the kind words and encouragement.  

Things are going well professionally.  I am so blessed to have a wonder job that provides me a place to go each day and feel productive.  I am still struggling when I am not at work.  I feel very isolated and alone in this big house.  Even when I am with friends and family, I still feel "apart" from everyone else.  

I agree.  I don't know when I'm going to feel normal again....

  As I wrote this, I realize that I cannot feel normal now because normal was my life with my wife ( for 26 years).  This after life just feels abnormal.  I sense it is because there is still a part of me that doesn't want to accept the fact that my wife has passed.  I still hold out hope that life will return to normal... return to us.  This grief work is tough.  I have been looking for where do I belong now.  I am just now aware that I need to accept my life, as it is today, as my new reality.  I thought I have but maybe I haven't fully.  (Heartfelt Food for Thought) - Shalom Geroge

[Gwenivere]

George, I have gotten to hate the term I have heard forever now......the new normal.  At this point there is nothing normal about this.  It's the most unnatural thing I have ever felt.  I know it is just fantasy my waiting on any kind of return to what I once knew.  But that doesn't mean I don't yearn for it day and night, day after day, week after week, month after month.  I know I haven't fully accepted this yet.  If I had, I wouldn't be in such agony.  I've never, ever felt so disconnected from life.  So alone.  All I have is his 'ghost' and that is every part of our home has his memory in some way or another.  But no him.  So much has become meaningless now.  Objects.  Dramatic as it sounds, my heart and my home are as dead as he is.  If this stays my new reality, well, I don't even want to think about that.   

[kayc]

The new normal is simply what is in our life now, can't get hung up on semantics.  I suppose one can resent and hate what is in their life now, but it doesn't help us adjust any to do that.

[KarenK]

I have resurrected this heartfelt writing from what I believe was my first post after losing Ron and a year before I lost Debbie. So much has happened in that time, but unfortunately it still "hits home" for me. The pain abates, but will never end.

Unique and Devastating Loss (by WifeLess)

 

With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiancée, significant other,
partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely
loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We
grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt
the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human
bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the
ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The
one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend
and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended
on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us
as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared
private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.

But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life,
as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse,
and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as
well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them.
The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership
we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced.
The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The
loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.

Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we
never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival,
increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional
challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We
must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine
our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new
network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To
formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.

And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while
suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back.
Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouse’s death,
either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further
endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to
forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.

And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in
the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most
insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted
we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed
to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who,
just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral
support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to
complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For
nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other.
And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one
other death only. Ours.

 

May all of us find peace one day.

[brat#2]

Karen - boy does that ever "hit home".  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Froggie4635]

Dear Karen,

So very profound.  I think I am going to print it out and add it to my collection of articles and writings that I go to when I feel the need to be understood.  I wish everyone got this, but then that would mean that so many people would be experiencing a pain that is beyond description.  I hate being told to not let it possess so much of your life (sadness).  But then there are people who are amazed at how I have made it through.  With less fog in my life as in the beginning, it is now about dealing with the aftermath of change.  When I process what you wrote, and as I sit here writing these words, the tears come.  Do I now prefer to read the sad things or watch the sad shows?  You can't ignore the emotions.  You can put them aside for a bit, but grief is ever present.  Thank you for sharing this, Karen.  It is very beautifully written.

[Margm]

I enlarged it and put it in bold, and printed this out. This really hits home Karen.  Thank you so much.

[Gwenivere]

Karen.......WOW!   Such a spot on post about what this us all about!   I've never lost a child, but have experienced all thevothersc and none compare to this.  Definitely the most life altering in every way for me.  This was the person we chose to live this life with.  That encompassed every decision and plan we made.  To be left standing alone in the midst of an endless desert not knowing what direction without a compass or a clue is life altering.

[Gwenivere]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

The new normal is simply what is in our life now, can't get hung up on semantics.  I suppose one can resent and hate what is in their life now, but it doesn't help us adjust any to do that.

I feel this is more than semantics, Kay.  I also do not see my new normal as simply what my life is now.  I know you are years ahead of me, but for now anger plays a big part and is often expressed in ways not fitting the classic definition.  Adjustment comes with time and passing thru any phase we find ourselves in.  My anger (resentment and hate) often is depression, fear,  impatience...so many things.  And do we ever truly adjust?  Some do some don't.  We learn to keep going, but as some, myself included, has expressed, we don't feel thier loved ones presence making the challenge even harder.  We want to feel it, but there is nothing in this 'normal' that can be forced.

[kayc]

I'm not suggesting you force anything, Gwen.  I feel your anger.

[Gin]

Gwen,. I wonder why we do not feel our loved one's presence.  We were certainly bonded in life. 

[kayc]

My experience is more of a "by faith" than a feeling, if that helps.  When I've read some of the mystics of past centuries, they speak of the differences of some people's walk vs. others.

[mittam99]

3 hours ago, Gin said:

Gwen,. I wonder why we do not feel our loved one's presence.  We were certainly bonded in life. 

Gin, I've posted many times about my feeling that somehow Tammy is with me. The thing is, it's not that I "feel" her presence per se. It's a combination of things. There have been events that have occurred since Tammy died that can't just be explained away. And, it's the fact that I find it impossible to believe that someone with a life force as strong as Tammy's could simply cease to exist. So, for me, it's as much a mindset and a belief as it is "feeling" her presence, if that makes sense.

I can tell you that my belief that Tammy is still here in some fashion has given me a comfort level that has allowed me to advance forward in my grief journey.

[Gin]

Kay and Mitch,. Maybe I will get there eventually.  I read so many books talking about life after death, heaven and probably messed myself up even more.  Some say our loved ones are "asleep"  for now.  I read many authors, including Billy Graham and all different sects.  I have additional issues since this was not our first marriage.  Will I be with Al?  He was married for 40 years to another before we met.  He always told me how wonderful life was with me -better than anything he ever had.  I wish there was a definitive book I could trust.  Maybe I should leave it in God's hands for the "forever" part.

Gin

[scba]

Thank you Karen, I have printed it and I will remind each time I feel I fail that "And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.

 

 

[KATPILOT]

Sometimes Gin we tend to overthink things. This is very easy to do when we can't speak directly to the one we love. My sister got her masters in theology and we have had many a deep discussion about life after death. There are almost as many concepts of the afterlife as there are religions, which is quite a few. I gave up trying to figure it out after my mom died so many years ago. I'm not a very religious man so I tend to let myself be open to anything and everything. I have no doubts however that there does exist an afterlife.  Kathy was not my first wife either and the original ended in divorce so that pretty much makes my preference obvious. I think if you want to be with Al, you will. It sounds like he would be there waiting for you. I see it this way. If Kathy's not there to meet me, I would spend eternity looking for her. She knew this and I'm a very persistent fellow. I think she will however. In her own way, she's told me so.

[Gin]

I think I do over think things.  All these years people would always say that when people die, they are united with their spouses.  I believed it.  Now, when it is my spouse, I have all these complications.  I guess I am looking for confirmation that we will be together again.  Of course I know that no one can give me that.  But I am still searching.  Al was sure that we would be together, so I will try to go with that.  I really did not think Al was dying at the end and we did not discuss death very much.  I guess we should have.

Gin

[mittam99]

I want to make something clear about my beliefs. I had no preconceived notion of whether there was or wasn't an afterlife. I wasn't open minded or close minded... I simply had no idea. When I was traveling 800 miles to go to Tammy's funeral and fell asleep and crashed into a concrete barrier (at 70 mph) and there was no damage whatsoever, how can you explain that? Or the ceiling fan that Tammy loved so much that turned itself on when I was getting visibly upset on the phone (talking about Katie being rough on Tammy). Or the other things that felt like it could only be Tammy looking out for me.

Gin, I know you said you're looking for confirmation you will be with Al again. And like you said, no one can prove that. To me, it's a matter of believing that the love Tammy and I shared is endless and that for sure she is a part of me, heart, mind and soul. It's about faith. And I don't mean that in a religious sense. You need to have faith that the love you shared with your soul mate is a power to be reckoned with... something that will never die. Without that belief and the peace and comfort that brings, this grief journey would be unimaginably hard.

These are just my thoughts and how I feel.

[Margm]

I cannot tell you for sure how I feel.  Sometimes I have a one sided conversation and it hits the ceiling.  Other times, I feel he hears me.  And this is all in my head.  But, I can tell you that this is only MY OWN OPINION and no one elses.  I have had a faith, and if I live long enough, I plan on having it again.  Then, if I get to settle down for a few minutes by myself, God/Jesus and Billy and me will talk about it.  I pray at night that my daddy and God will help Mama and my sister.  It is like God and my dad are strict, unforgiving totally Boss.  Then I talk to Jesus and Billy because both are sweet and forgiving.  NOW, THIS IS MY FEELINGS.  My faith used to be strong and one day, if I live long enough, I hope to have that peace that passes all understanding.  That is the answer and wish for myself.  For all of you, I wish you peace and following your own understanding of this hell we are in.  

I broke loose and cried from the house all the way to Glenwood, (22 miles), stopping three times to make sure the load in the truck was riding okay.  Scott had packed it and I had enough duct tape holding boxes and tops where they have to be cut off.  Billy used to scare me packing things.  

Anyhow, I am here, fixing to go see my mom. 

[KATPILOT]

Mitch I remember well the story about your car but I the ceiling fan blows me away. I have a ceiling fan that Kathy speaks to me through and the light beneath it. Awesome!  I had no concept or particular belief in the afterlife as well but I sure have one today.

My statement at the bottom of each post rings as true as the day my journey began. 'Death cannot stop true love. It can only delay it for a while".

If you want it to be, go and make it so.

[KATPILOT]

I take some quotes I read and mount them with magnets on my fridge. This one I like to read often and for the life of me I can't remember who first posted it but I think it was right here and the author is unknown. It seems appropriate right now.

"I will not fail you, my love. I will continue on the path we shared and I know you will be there to help me, as you always were. And when we meet again at the journey's end, and we laugh together once more, I will have a thousand things to tell you."

This is exactly how I live and no one ever can ever dissuade me from believing I have it right.

[MartyT]

I think the quote you cited comes from the book Leap of Faith: Memoirs of An Unexpected Life by Queen Noor of Jordan, Stephen. She ended her book with those lovely words, as a tribute to her beloved husband King Hussein of Jordan, who died of cancer in 1999.

[KATPILOT]

Thank you Marty. That ads a special touch to the quote indeed!

I looked into this book and now I am compelled to read it. In reading a sample I came upon this quote as well.

"Work for life on this earth as if you are going to live forever       

and work for the life after in heaven as if you are to die tomorrow"

                          Queen Noor

[MartyT]

I read this book just recently, Stephen, and I really liked it. Queen Noor has a unique perspective on the Middle East and its history ~ and with my son living in Amman, I loved reading all about Jordan and its people, through the eyes of this American-born but very Jordanian lady.